THE  LIBRARY 

OF 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

LOS  ANGELES 

GIFT  OF 

William  P.   Wreden 


^ 


^* 

&    (N.*^» 


AUGUSTA  AND  L 


OB 


'S  FOOL  OF  A 


BY 


AUGUST,  BERKELEY, 


(Past  Editor  of  the  old  "THK  FAEMKB'S  GUIDE,") 

AUTHOR  OF  "OUTWITTED  AT  LAST,"  "THE  MISSING  LINK," 
"NBVER  TELL  BOYS,"  etc. 


ILLUSTRATIONS   BY   TRUE   WILLIAMS. 


HARTFORD,  CONN.: 
AMERICAN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 

SAN  FRANCISCO: 

A.  L.  BANCROFT  &  COMPANY. 

1884. 


COPYRIGHT,  1884, 

BY  AMERICAN  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 
HARTFORD,  CONN. 

All  rights  reserved. 


TO      M.Y 

AFFECTIONATE    WIFE, 

WHO      HAS      BUT      ONE      FAULT THAT     OF      BEING      TOO      GOOD     FOR 

HER     HUSBAND THIS     BOOK     IS 

RESPECTFULLY     DEDICATED 

BY     THE     AUTHOR. 


63431.3 


INTRODUCTION  BY  THE  AUTHOR  S  WIFE. 


AFTER  my  husband's  return  from  his  long  stay  in  Massachu 
setts,  it  became  my  one  great  desire  to  keep  him  at  home 
for  the  rest  of  his  life;    and  for  this   purpose    I   suggested  his 
writing  a  book,  his  autobiography. 

In  complying  with  my  request,  he  made  me  promise  that,  if  I 
was  alive  when  his  work  was  completed,  I  would  write  the 
preface.  I  never  should  have  agreed  to  this,  had  I  thought  he 
would  finish  the  task  during  my  natural  life;  but,  after  working 
day  and  night  with  his  usual  energy,  he  has  brought  the  work 
to  a  close  in  an  astonishingly  brief  period. 

If  the  rest  of  the  world  becomes  half  as  enthusiastic  over  the 
reading  as  he  has  been  over  the  writing,  there  will  not  be  enough 
printing-presses  in  existence  to  supply  the  demand.  However, 
since  I  have  reviewed  his  production,  I  am  bound  to  confess  that 
his  enthusiasm  is  not  altogether  misplaced. 

I  am  very,  very  proud  of  him,  notwithstanding  he  has  written 
some  things  which  I  sincerely  wish  had  been  left  out. 

His  pen-and-ink  treatment  of  myself  is  doubtless  sincere — 
would  that  I  could  say  truthful — but  I  fear  his  affectionate  heart 
has,  in  some  instances,  blinded  his  more  critical  judgment  toward 
my  numerous  short-comings.  I  have  felt  it  my  duty  to  erase  a 
few  hundred  of  the  endearing  terms  he  had  generously  applied 
to  me,  realizing  that,  while  I  myself  enjoy  them  so  exceedingly 
in  our  private  life,  the  disinterested  public  might  fail  to  appreciate 
them. 

00 


VI  INTRODUCTION. 

I  feel  that  he  has  not  done  full  justice  to  his  own  character,  for 
he  has  selected  for  publication  many  of  the  most  ridiculous 
episodes,  though  doubtless  they  appear  to  him,  and  perhaps  may 
be  considered  by  the  reader^  to  have  been  exceedingly  trying 
events  in  his  career.  I  am  certain  that  if  I  were  to  publish 
what  might  be  said  concerning  Mr.  Berkeley,  it  would  take  a 
larger  volume  than  his  to  hold  the  words  that  should  depict 
the  other  side  of  his  life.  But,  in  making  the  selection  of  these 
peculiar  experiences,  Mr.  Berkeley  has  had  an  object,  namely:  to 
teach  the  great  lesson  that  impulsiveness  is  a  terrible  foe,  which, 
if  allowed  its  sway,  is  liable  to  lead  one  into  all  manner  of 
excesses  and  difficulties. 

I  will  not  undertake  to  apologize  for  this  very  inadequate 
preface,  for  probably  the  book  which  my  husband  now  offers  to 
his  numerous  friends  will  so  completely  usurp  their  attention  that 
no  person  will  ever  know  whether  this,  my  small  contribution  to 
the  work,  is  good  or  bad.  Nor  do  I  wish,  even  if  it  were  in  my 
power,  to  detract  one  moment's  attention  from  the  worthy  man 
whom  I  greatly  honor  for  his  brilliant  success,  and  whom  I  love 
with  my  whole  heart's  affection,  and  shall  ever  thus  love. 

MRS.  AUGUSTA  BERKELEY. 


CONTENTS. 


CHAPTER  I. 

Page. 
A  WEDDING  EXPERIENCE, 17 

CHAPTER  II. 
A  TRAVELING  EXPERIENCE, 30 

CHAPTER  III. 
A  CELEBRATION  EXPERIENCE, 40 

CHAPTER  IV. 
HOUSEKEEPING, .    53 

CHAPTER  V. 
OUR  FIRST  SUNDAY  AT  HOME, 71 

CHAPTER  VI. 
A  FIRE  ESCAPE,  . 76 

CHAPTER  VII. 
A  LEGACY, 86 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
CHAMPAGNE  IN  THE  WRONG  PLACE, 90 

CHAPTER  IX. 
PATENT  GLAZING  FLUID, .  105 

CHAPTER  X. 
FAMILY  RESPONSIBILITIES, 119 

CHAPTER  XI. 
SUPPLIES  FOR  THE  FAMILY, 126 

CHAPTER  XII. 
MEASLES, 142 

CHAPTER  XIII. 

NEGLECTED  DUTIES, .151 

(vii) 


Vlii  CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER  XIV.                                        PAGE. 
ENTERING  SOCIETY, 159 

CHAPTER  XV. 
MISCHIEVOUS  SNUFF, 165 

CHAPTER  XVI. 
A  SUMMER  EXCURSION, 181 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
THE  FUNNY  COLUMN, 195 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 

OUR  FIRST  AFFLICTION, 201 

CHAPTER  XIX 
A  FIGHT  WITH  A  GHOST, 209 

CHAPTER  XX 
A  FAMILY  JAR, 218 

CHAPTER  XXI. 
A  CASE  OF  MISTAKEN  IDENTITY, 228 

CHAPTER  XXIL 

MY  MOTHER-IN-LAW 244 

CHAPTER  XXIII. 
JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW 246 

CHAPTER  XXIV. 
DISTURBING  A  MEETING 256 

CHAPTER  XXV. 
A  NEW  VARIETY  OF  FOWL, 262 

CHAPTER  XXVI. 
THE  BUREAU  OF  VITAL  STATISTICS 272 

CHAPTER  XXVII. 
POLITICS  AND  REPENTANCE, .  284 

CHAPTER  XXVIII. 
How  AN  ANGEL  WAS  FOOLED 292 

CHAPTER  XXIX. 
LIFE 'INSURANCE  AND  DEATH, 299 

CHAPTER  XXX. 
How  I  LOST  A  GOVERNMENT  APPOINTMENT, 314 

CHAPTER  XXXI. 
THE  VICTORY  OF  THE  WOMEN,  ...  3C6 


CONTENTS.  IX 


PART    II. 

CHAPTER  I.                                         PAGE. 
AN  AMBITION  GRATIFIED, 339 

CHAPTER  H. 
I  Do  SOME  GOOD, 348 

CHAPTER  III 
A  SCHEME, 357 

CHAPTER  IV. 

MICE  IN  THE  PLOT, 366 

CHAPTER  V. 
IN  JAIL, 372 

CHAPTER  VI. 
THE  FURIES, 378 

CHAPTER  VII. 

A  POINT  GAINED, '.        .        .        ,        .387 

CHAPTER  VIII. 
HUNTGILL, 398 

CHAPTER  IX. 
THAT  HORRID  NAME 405 

CHAPTER  X. 
CAUGHT  AT  LAST, 409 

CHAPTER  XI. 
THE  UNGUARDED  HOUR, 418 

CHAPTER  XII. 

Lou  CRA'S  CONUNDRUMS, „  425 

CHAPTER  XIII. 
PUT  YOURSELF  IN  MY  PLACE, 431 

CHAPTER  XIV. 
DOGGIE  DARLING, .  437 

CHAPTER  XV. 
A  LAWYER'S  REMINISCENCES, .        .  442 

CHAPTER  XVI. 
LIFE'S  CHANGES, 449 

CHAPTER  XVII. 
IGNIS  FATUUS  EMOTIONS, .        .        .  452 

CHAPTER  XVIII. 
JUSTICE  AT  LAST, 458 

CHAPTER  XIX. 
A  GRAND  CONCLUSION,  ....  464 


LIST   OF  ILLUSTRATIONS. 


PAGE. 

AUGUSTA  AND  I, (Full  Page)    Frontispiece. 

GETTING  A  LICENSE, 18 

IMPORTUNITY, .19 

IRKITATED, 20 

A  SURPRISE, 21 

HAPPY  THOUGHT, 22 

DISAPPOINTMENT, 22 

IN  THE  VESTIBULE,     .        . 24 

JACK, 25 

A  PRETTY  COAT, 26 

INDIGNATION, 26 

THE  FINAL  SCENE, (Full  Page)        .       .  28 

A  HASTY  TOILET 30 

TAKING  A  HAND, 31 

USELESS  ARGUMENT, .        .        .32 

THE  STATION  AGENT, 33 

SHE  MISSED  SOMETHING, 35 

THE  TELEGRAM, 36 

REUNITED, 37 

THE  GREAT  CELEBRATION, .40 

PART  OF  THE  PROGRAMME, 41 

THE  PROMISE, 43 

AN  UNGRATEFUL  WRETCH,         .        .        .        (Full  Page)        .        .  45 

A  NEW  VENTURE,       .        .        . 47 

THE  RESULT, , 48 

THE  RESCUE 50 

"HOME,  SWEET  HOME," 55 

THE  ELOQUENT  CLERK, 56 

"A  DEPOSIT  PLEASE," 58 

A  SHARP  BARGAIN, (Full  Page)        .        .  60 

FACING  THE  STORM,    .        .        . 62 

A  HEROIC  STRUGGLE, 64 

TRYING  THE  ARTICLE, 66 

A  VENT-HOLE, 68 

A  NICE  Fix, 69 

(xi) 


Xll  LIST   OF   ILLUSTRATIONS. 

Page. 

••WHAT  ABE  THESE?" 73 

A  WATER  VIEW, 77 

ALONE 78 

SMELLING  SMOKE, 79 

AWAKENING  THE  WIDOW, 80 

A  BARRICADE, 81 

ASSAULT  AND  BATTERY,       ...  83 

CHRISTINE, 87 

EXPRESS  CHARGES,      ....  88 

REV.  SHEPARDSKIN,     ....  92 

THE  SEARCH, 94 

How  IT  WAS  DONE 95 

THE  DELIVERY, 96 

A  PASTORAL  CALL,      ....  98 

Too  MUCH  MEDICINE,         .        .        .  .        .        .        .        .100 

THE  TEMPERANCE  COMMITTEE,  .  101 

BEHIND  THE  DOOR,      ....  .....  102 

AFTER  THE  STORM,      ....  104 

"WATCH  ME  Now!"  ....  106 

SATURDAY  NIGHT  BATH 107 

SHE  NEEDED  THE  PEDDLER, 108 

ARTISTIC  WORK, 109 

RED  WITH  WRATH, .       .        .110 

THE  SADDEST  MAN  IN  NEW  YORK Ill 

AROUSING  THE  INMATES, 112 

CAUGHT  IN  THE  ACT, 114 

MRS.  BERKELEY  RELIEVED, 115 

BUSINESS  IN  THE  KITCHEN 117 

"THERE'S  Two  OF  'EM!" 122 

No.  —  BLEEKER  STREET, 123 

GOING  ON  A  MISSION 127 

STRIVING  FOR  NEW  LIFE, 128 

"LooK  HERE!" .        .        .131 

His  OWN  SWEET  WILL, 134 

THE  LATEST  TRICK 135 

AUGUSTA'S  RECEPTION, 137 

COALS  OF  FIRE, 138 

GETTING  RID  OF  A  BURDEN 139 

GOING  TO  His  LONG  HOME, 140 

NIGHT  WORK 142 

EXPERIMENTING, 144 

HAM  HUNTERS 146 

A  RUINED  BONNET, (Full  Page,)     .        .  148 

"THE  DIVIL  IN  TH'  AIGS," 152 

HER  OPPORTUNITY « 155 

DOING  ITS  WORK,  .  157 


LIST   OP   ILLUSTRATIONS.  xiii 

PREPARING  FOR  COLIC, 161 

THERE  I  WAS, 163 

Miss  SLIMPSKITE, .        .  164 

HAPPY  MOMENTS, 165 

EXTREMES  MEET, 166 

"You  HAVE  A  COLD?"       ....        (Full  Page,)     .        .168 

A  PROUD  MAN, 170 

TESTING  THE  ARTICLE, 173 

A  DISTURBED  CONGREGATION, .        .  175 

"AMEN!" 176 

OVER  THE  GARDEN  WALL,         .        . 179 

A  TRAMP  ACT, 180 

SHOWING  THEM  How,          .        .        .        .        (Full  Page,)     .        .  184 

A  CHILD'S  TOY, 186 

CHANGING  PLACES .        .187 

SALT  AND  ALCOHOL, .  188 

DOING  THEIR  LEVEL  BEST, 189 

STRANDED, •  191 

TAKING  AN  INVENTORY, 192 

THE  LOST  FOUND, .  193 

UP  THE  RIVER, 202 

DOMESTIC  DUTIES, 203 

"WAIT  A  MINUTE!" ».    .  ••  204 

A  GOOD  SHOT 205 

AT  THE  CAPTAIN'S  OFFICE, 206 

BEHIND  THE  BARS, 208 

A  PIG  RACKET, 211 

BIG  INJUN, 215 

FRISKY  FROGS, 219 

WITH  CREAM  GRAVY, 220 

BERKELEY'S  CREAMERY, .  222 

A  DISCIPLE  OF  TANNER 224 

SUPPORTING  His  DIGNITY, 225 

ON  A  COLLECTING  TOUR, 227 

A  WARM  RECEPTION, 229 

A  DILEMMA, .'  230 

LUXURIOUS  QUARTERS, ,  233 

A  MIDNIGHT  SHOWER, 235 

A  RANDOM  SHOT, vTull  Page,)     .        .  237 

"Wno  ARE  You?"     . 240 

HER  APPEARANCE, 241 

STEPPING  OUT, 242 

HOME  AGAIN 243 

A  DELICATE  SUBJECT, 245 

BEHIND  TIME, 247 

A  STARTLING  REVELATION,  .  246 


Xiv  LIST   OF   ILLUSTRATIONS. 

JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW,         .        .        .        (Full  Page,)     .        .  250 

TENDER  RECOLLECTIONS, 252 

"WATCH  OUT  THAR!" 253 

'•WHAR  is  IT?" 258 

THE  BRICKSEE  MARCH, 260 

SUSPENDED  PAYMENT, 263 

SETTLING  His  ACCOUNT 264 

Ax  ATTACK  OP  THE  CIMEX  LECTULARIUS, 266 

FANCY  STOCK 267 

IN  THE  INTEREST  OF  SCIENCE, 208 

SOMETHING  WRONG 269 

"LOOKS  KINDER  LIKE  IT!" 270 

How  PA  DID  IT 274 

How  I  DID  IT 275 

IN  DISGUISE 278 

THE  DROWNED  BOY, 280 

THE  OPPOSITION  PAPER, 286    • 

OUR  RECONCILIATION, 290 

A  CELEBRATED  MEDIUMESS, 293 

AN  OLD  SCHOOLMATE 294 

THE  VISIT  OP  THE  ANGELS 295 

THE  HOROSCOPE, 3CO 

HER  MOST  PEACEFUL  DAYS, 301 

CORROBORATING  EVIDENCE, 302 

EXPERIENCE  MEETING 304 

PREPARING  FOR  DEATH,     ....        (Full  Page,)     .        .  306 

WASTING  AWAY •  308 

THE  LAST  FAREWELL 309 

A  LAST  ACT 311 

JUST  MY  LUCK, 312 

BEING  A  HERO, 315 

"ALL  FULL!" 316 

INQUIRE  WITHIN, 317 

TRANSFIXED  WITH  FEAR, 319 

AN  EXCITED  BOY, 320 

THE  HILARIOUS  OFFICER,  .        .        .        (Full  Page,)     .        .  322 

ACROSS  THE  BOG (Full  Page,)     .        .  338 

JOHN  HOTCHKICK  TIED  FAST  TO  A  POST,  .  (Full  Page,)  .  .  360 
Lou  CRA  VISITS  THE  PRISON,  .  .  .  (Full  Page,)  .  .  384 
HUNTGILL  CONFESSES,  .  .  .  .  (Full  Page,)  .  .  415 
MRS.  LESLIE  SEARCHING  FOR  HER  CHILD,  (Full  Page,)  .  .  460 


PART  I 


CHAPTER  I. 

A   WEDDING  EXPERIENCE. 

I  WAS  to  be  married  on  the  first  day  of  May.  The 
place  was  Chicago.  The  clergyman  whom  I  had  engaged 
to  officiate  explained  to  me  that,  by  the  laws  of  the  State,  it 
would  be  necessary  for  me  to  go  before  the  Clerk  of  the 
County  Court,  answer  certain  questions,  and  procure  a  marri 
age  license.  To  impress  this  important  fact  on  my  memory, 
he  was  good  enough  to  tell  me  several  amusing  anecdotes 
concerning  parties  who  had  made  great  preparations  for  a 
grand  wedding,  only  to  discover  at  the  last  moment,  when 
all  the  company  were  on  the  qui  vive,  that  the  license  had 
been  forgotten. 

Many  of  my  friends,  knowing  my  proclivity  to  forget 
everything,  kindly  took  it  upon  themselves  to  jog  my  memory 
repeatedly  about  the  license.  Each  one  had  known  some 
body  who  had  drifted  into  a  ridiculous  dilemma  because 
that  essential  document  had  been  forgotten.  One  bride 
had  been  so  indignant  at  the  groom's  negligence,  that,  when 
told  that  her  marriage  must  be  postponed,  she  backed  down 
and  out  completely,  and  finally  married  somebody  else. 
Another  was  so  chagrined  because  the  whole  congregation 
laughed  in  her  face  when  she  turned  to  leave  the  church — 
still  in  a  condition  of  aged  singleness — that  she  went  home 
and  committed  suicide. 

2  (17) 


18 


MY   WIFE  S    FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


These  sad  and  truthful  accounts  so  impressed  themselves 
upon  my  mind  that  I  hastened  to  the  Court-house  four  weeks 
before  the  marriage  day,  and  became  the  proud  possessor  of 
a  veritable  official  permission  to  have  and  to  hold  forever,  if 
need  be,  Augusta  Brownlow — said  blessed  privilege  to  take 
effect  the  moment  any  proper  authority  should  pronounce 
us  husband  and  wife. 


GETTING  A  LICENSE. 


Without  any  unnecessary  delay,  I  carried  the  license  to 
my  minister  and  requested  him  to  keep  it  for  me  till  it  was 
wanted.  With  this  simple  request  he  refused  to  comply. 
He  was  a  man  of  unyielding  method,  and  his  method  was 
to  have  the  license  handed  to  him  by  the  groom  immediately 
preceding  the  ceremony.  He  wanted  to  flourish  it  before 
the  assembly,  and  to  recite,  in  his  solemn,  pompous  style,  "  I 
hold  in  my  hand  an  instrument  sanctioned  by  the  State  and 
legalized  by  the  great  seal  of  the  court,  by  which  I  am 
authorized,  etc.,  etc." 


A   WEDDING   EXPEEIENCE.  19 

On  his  refusal  to  take  charge  of  the  license — for  which 
I  have  never  forgiven  him — I  hurried  away,  resolved  to 
trust  it  to  Augusta's  care,  for  I  knew  well  enough  I  should 
lose  it  if  I  undertook  to  keep  it  myself.  I  lose  everything. 
From  Augusta  it  received  a  cordial  reception.  So  did  I. 

My  friends  still  continued  to  warn  me  not  to  forget  the 
license.  Toward  the  last,  the  question  "  Have  you  got  your 
license  ? "  became  very  monotonous,  and  I  was  never  so 
tired  of  any  subject  in  my  life.  Those  who  had  never  asked 
it  before  asked  it  now  ;  and  those  who  had  already  asked  it 
a  dozen  times,  asked  it  again. 

The  hour  arrived.  The  carriages 
that  were  to  take  us  to  the  church 
were  in  waiting  at  the  door.  The 
groomsmen  were  ready,  the  brides 
maids  were  ready,  the  bride  herself 
was  ready  and  so  was  I,  with  the 
exception  of  putting  on  my  new  wed- 

IHPORTUNITY. 

ding-boots. 

At  this  point  in  the  proceedings  four  or  five  persons  were 
simultaneously  possessed  of  the  same  inquiry,  namely; 
"  Have  you  got  the  license  ?  " 

"Do  not  be  alarmed,"  answered  my  precious  intended, 
"  There  is  little  danger  of  my  neglecting  that."  So  saying, 
she  came  forward,  and  with  her  own  hands  put  the  docu 
ment  into  the  breast  pocket  of  my  wedding  coat,  where  it 
would  be  easy  of  access  at  the  time  required. 

I  was  then  left  alone  for  a  few  minutes  to  struggle  with 
my  new  boots,  which,  being  a  size  too  small  for  my  feet, 
went  on  vexatiously  hard. 

Before  I  had  fairly  settled  down  to  the  task,  a  servant 
girl  handed  me  a  letter,  which,  as  I  soon  discovered,  con- 


20  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

tained  the  bill  for  a  box  of  cigars.  I  had  bought  them  a 
week  previous  and  had  forgotten  that  they  were  not  paid 
for. 

"What  shall  I  tell  the  messenger?"  inquired  the  girl, 
as  I  resumed  work  on  my  boots.  "  He  is  at  the  door  wait 
ing  for  the  money." 

"  Tell  him  to  go  and  hang  himself  !  "  I  replied  petulantly. 
To  be  dunned  while  putting  on  a  tight  boot  is  enough  to 
irritate  the  ripest  saint  living.  The 
more  I  thought  of  it,  the  more  ex 
cited  I  became.  I  ought  not  to 
^•fr*^^  have  thought  of  it  at  all,  for  as 
will  appear  in  the  sequel,  there 
were  other  matters  to  which  I 
should  have  given  more  careful 
attention. 

IRRITATED.  .  „ 

"  It  is  time  to  go,  said  Augusta, 

speaking  in  the  same  low,  calm$  musical  tone  which  had 
always  made  her  voice  so  charming  to  my  ears. 

"Yes,  my  dear,"  I  replied,  "the  boots  are  on  at  last. 
Don't  they  look  nice  ?  I  rounded  the  toes.  The  man  who 
made  them  told  me  it  would  improve  their  appearance." 

Augusta  had  no  idea  what  I  meant,  nor  did  she  at  that 
moment,  particularly  care. 

When  we  arrived  at  the  church,  it  was  filled  to  overflow 
ing  with  the  elite  of  the  city — or  rather  of  that  part  of  it 
in  which  Augusta  and  I  had  lived,  moved,  and  had  our 
being. 

I  think  I  felt  a  little  touch  of  pride  as  I  marched  up  the 
broad  aisle,  leading  one  to  whom  others  had  vainly  offered 
riches  and  honors — and  who  now  was  the  cynosure  of  a 
thousand  sparkling  eyes. 


A    WEDDING    EXPERIENCE.  21 

However,  if  I  allowed  myself  to  be  too  much  puffed  up, 
my  downfall  was  speedily  approaching. 

"  I  will  now  receive  the  license,"  said  the  minister  in  a 
loud,  clear  voice,  as  we  arranged  ourselves  in  front  of  the 
altars. — "  What  does  this  mean !  "  he  exclaimed,  in  a 
lower  tone  when  he  had  taken  the  paper  from  the  envelope 
which  I  presented  him.  "  It  ap 
pears  to  be  an  unpaid  bill  for  a 
box  of  cigars." 

"  A  thousand  pardons,"  said  I 
suffused  with  blushes  and  shame. 
"  Simply  a  mistake.  I  have  the 
license  right  here."  Thereupon  I 
dove  into  the  pocket  where  I  sup- 
posed  it  was,  only  to  be  disap- 
pointed.  I  tried  the  other  breast 

A  SURPRISE. 

pocket,  then  the  two  other  pockets 

of  my  coat,  then  the  two  side  pockets  of  my  pantaloons, 
then  the  hip  pocket,  and  finally  the  vest  pockets,  even 
to  my  watch  pocket.  Afterwards  I  examined  my  pocket 
book,  and  opened  my  pocket  diary.  This  accomplished, 
I  began  at  the  beginning  and  repeated  the  explorations  in 
detail,  amid  the  suppressed  laughter  of  the  congregation. 
Oh  my,  how  the  perspiration  poured  off  of  me! 

My  prolonged  search,  having  met  with  no  success,  I  gave 
the  minister  a  most  despairing  look  and  said :  "  What 
shall  I  do?" 

He  had  a  heart  of  stone.  "  Nothing  can  be  done,"  said 
he,  "  but  to  adjourn  the  meeting  until  you  either  find  the 
old,  or  obtain  a  new  license." 

"  Look  here,"  said  I,  "  Why  can't  you  go  on  with  your 
ceremony  ?  You  know  I  had  the  license.  I  offered  it  to 
you  long  ago." 


22 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


HAPPY  THOUGHT. 


"  True,  you  did,"  he  replied,  "  but  I  must  have  the  license 
in  order  to  return  it  according  to  law.  Every  thing  must 
be  done  decently  and  in  order." 

So  aggravating  was  his  solemn  manner  of  saying  this, 
that  I  mentally  resolved  to  do  him  some 
bodily  harm  at  the  first  decent  and  or 
derly  opportunity. 

Meanwhile  Augusta  had  quietly  dis 
patched  a  fleet-footed  boy  to  see  if  the 
missing  paper  had  not  dropped  -out  of 
my  pocket  while  I  had  been  laboring 
with  my  new  boots. 

Nothing  could  have  served  better  than 
this  unhappy  affair  to  bring  out  the  beautiful  coloring  of 
Augusta's  disposition.  So  entirely  self-possessed  did  she 
remain  that  the  whole  congregation  were  kept  at  ease. 
Not  a  frown  escaped  her  brow,  nor  the  slightest  reproof 
her  lips. 

A  reporter  who  was  present — one  of  the  kind  who  is  all 
ears,  from  the  top  of  his  head  down  and  out — made  notes 
of  the  whisperings  he  overheard  while  we  were  waiting. 
"  Isn't  the  bride  charming !  "  was  said  by  several.  "  Alto 
gether  too  good  for  him  !  "  was  occasion 
ally  the  reply. 

"  Oh,  he's  a  tip-top  good  fellow," 
remarked  the  more  thoughtful,  "  only 
he  is  such  an  unsophisticated,  impulsive, 
absent-minded,  forgetful  blunder-head, 
that  one  never  knows  what  scrape  he 
will  get  into  next." 

The  boy  who  had  been  sent  for  the     DISAPPOINTMENT. 
lost  license  returned,  with  the  graphic  report  that  "  nobody 
couldn't  find  hide  nor  hair  of  it." 


A   WEDDING    EXPERIENCE.  23 

Just  at  this  moment,  there  came  to  me  one  of  those 
sudden  flashes  of  recollection  which  are  remarkable  for 
nothing  except  that  they  never  come  till  they  get  ready. 
Suddenly  I  turned  to  Augusta  and  said  :  "  I  see  through 
it  all !  That  miserable  license  is  in  the  toe  of  one  of  my 
boots.  The  shoe-maker  told  me  they  would  be  a  little  long 
at  first,  and  advised  me  to  put  a  wad  of  paper,  or  some 
thing,  into  the  toes  of  them.  I  suppose  I  must  have  thought 
I  was  using  that  dunning  letter  for  that  purpose." 

"  Step  right  up  to  the  minister,"  said  Augusta,  "  and  ask 
him  to  excuse  you  while  you  go  into  the  vestibule  and  take 
your  boots  off !  " 

Acting  on  this  wise  counsel,  I  forthwith  made  an  explana 
tion  to  the  clergyman  and  withdrew. 

Imagine  my  feelings  as  I  went  out  alone,  having  to  face 
the  high  tide  of  a  great  sea  of  upturned  faces !  How 
different  it  was  from  my  coming  in,  when  Augusta  was 
upon  my  arm  and  we  were  escorted  by  a  brilliant  retinue 
of  grooms  and  maids  ! 

It  was  a  dreadful  moment,  and  I  got  out  of  the  church 
as  quickly  as  I  could. 

Reaching  the  vestibule,  of  course  there  was  no  chair  to 
be  had,  so  I  sat  down  on  the  floor  and  began  tugging  at  my 
boot.  Do  you  think  I  could  stir  it  a  peg  ?  Indeed,  I  could 
not.  My  feet  had  been  swelling  ever  since  I  put  the  boots 
on.  In  fact,  I  had  been  so  hot  and  excited  that  I  was 
swollen  all  over. 

Pretty  soon  one  of  the  ushers  came  out :  "  What  in  the 
world  are  you  doing  ? "  said  he. 

"Hold  your  tongue,"  said  I,  "or  you  will  have  the  whole 
congregation  out  here.  Lay  hold  of  that  boot  and  pull  for 
dear  life ! " 


24 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


He  did  as  he  was  told,  but  he  might  as  well  have  tried  to 
pull  up  a  liberty  pole  by  the  roots. 

"  You  don't  pull  right,"  said  I.  "  Don't  you  see  you  are 
pulling  me  instead  of  the  boot.  A  few  more  jerks  like  that 
last  one  and  off  comes  my  leg." 

Then  the  wretch  laughed  till  he  could  not  pull  at  all. 
Another  usher  came  out.  I  set  him  at  work  on  the  other 


IN  THE  VESTIBULE. 

boot,  for  I  was  not  quite  certain  which  one  contained  the 
license. 

"  Hold  !  Hold  !  "  cried  I,  when  they  had  both  seized  my 
lower  extremities.  "You'll  spoil  my  wedding  clothes 
dragging  me  all  over  the  dirty  floor." 

Two  other  men  were  sent  for  to  take  me  by  the  shoulders 
and  hold  me  back. 


A   WEDDING    EXPERIENCE. 


25 


Then  the  report  got  started  and  spread  though  the  con 
gregation  like  wild-fire  that  I  had  fainted  dead  away,  and 
many  believed  that  I  had  retired  for  that  purpose.  This 
brought  several  ladies  with  their  fans  and  smelling  salts, 
post-haste  into  the  vestibule. 

Those  who  came  first  spoke  hopefully.  They  said  the 
blood  was  returning  to  my  face  nicely.  They  told  the 
others  to  stand  back  so  that  I  could  get  more  fresh  air ; 
but  they  themselves  never  budged  an  inch,  and  not  a  breath 
of  fresh  air  did  I  get. 

Meanwhile  one  of  the  ushers  had  dispatched  the  fleet- 
footed  boy  to  borrow  a  boot-jack.  Un 
fortunately,  however,  the  usher,  in  his 
haste,  had  abbreviated  the  order  to 
"  Jack."  In  due  time,  the  boy  returned 
with  one  of  those  house-lifting  screws, 
which  goes  by  that  name.  Why  he 
didn't  get  a  four-legged  jack,  and 
done  with  it,  which  would  have  been 
more  to  the  purpose,  is  what  surprises 
me. 

As  the  ladies  became  more  numerous,  more  sociable  and 
sympathetic,  I  grew  smaller  and  smaller — at  least  I  felt  so 
— which  may  explain  how  it  happened  that  one  of  my  boots 
finally  loosened  its  grip  and  suffered  itself  to  be  removed 
from  my  long-suffering  foot. 

Contrary  to  my  usual  run  of  luck  it  proved  to  be  -just  the 
boot  we  wanted.  The  sorry-looking  license  was  brought  to 
light. 

But  my  troubles  were  not  at  an  end.  In  trying  to  get  my 
boot  on  again,  so  great  was  the  strain  upon  my  wedding- 


JACK. 


26 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


coat  that  it  parted  in  the  back  revealing  a  gap  ahout  twelve 

inches  in  length. 

I  begged  the  ladies  to  go 
into  the  church  and  be  seated. 

They  went. 

I  was  so  overcome  with  in 
dignation  that  I  stepped  to  the 
door  and  hurled  the  offending 
boot  into  the  street. 

"Now,"  said  I,  "who  will 
lend  me  one."  Just  here  a 
new  difficulty  arose.  It  was 
the  opinion  of  good  judges 

A  PRETTY  COAT.  tliat    tllere    wag    not     a     boot     jn 

the  congregation  large  enough  to  fit  me. 

It  so  happened  that  just  at  that  moment  a  policeman  was 
passing.  Who  says  the  police  are 
always  absent  when  they  are  wanted  ? 
I  called  him  in  and  briefly  explained 
the  situation.  He  was  very  kind.  He 
said  he  had  never  stood  up  at  a  wed 
ding  himself,  but  he  should  be  proud 
to  have  one  of  his  boots  stand  up  at 
one.  With  a  slight  turn  of  his  ankle 
he  kicked  off  the  leather  which  encom 
passed  his  foot  and  bade  me  climb 
into  it.  I  don't  know  anything  about 
the  numbering  of  boots,  but  if  that 
was  not  a  number  fifteen  there  never 
was  one. 

As  I  marched   into  church  with  it 
on,  it   seemed   to   come  wabbling  in   after  me  as  though 


INDIGNATION. 


THE  FINAL  SCENK. 


A   WEDDING    EXPERIENCE.  29 

uncertain  of  its  surroundings.  It  was  never  in  such  a 
place  before.  True  to  the  instincts  of  its  owner,  however, 
it  arrested  —  nothing  in  particular  except  everybody's 
attention. 

How  it  takes  the  conceit  out  of  a  man  not  to  be  properly 
clothed  !  It  is  so  of  ideas.  That  was  the  trouble  with  our 
officiating  clergyman  in  all  his  preaching.  He  would  dress 
a  tiny  thought  in  such  flowing  robes  of  language — such 
immense  phraseological  boots  that  it  would  require  two 
deacons  to  lead  it. 

However,  we  were  married. 

Thus  endeth  the  first  chapter. 


CHAPTER  II. 

A  TRAVELING  EXPERIENCE. 

A  S  soon  as  the  wedding  was  over  my  wife  and  I  took 
•J--^-  farewell  leave  of  our  Chicago  friends,  for  we  had 
resolved  to  make  our  home  in  New  York  City. 

We  got  away  without  mishap,  and  nothing  occurred  to 
mar  our  pleasure  till  the  train  stopped  at  Zania,  a  good 
sized  station  on  the  Lake  Shore  arid  Michigan  Southern  road. 

Here  I  was  awakened — it  must  have  been  about  two 
o'clock  in  the  morning — by  loud,  excited  voices  crying : 

"  Take  him  away ! " 

"Put  up  that  knife!" 

"Kill  him!" 

"Don't  shoot!" 

I  immediately  recognized  the  fact  that  a  desperate  fight 
was  going  on  just  outside  our  sleeping-car.  Nothing  could 
have  interested  me  more.  For  many  years  I  had  been 
constantly  employed  in  gathering  items  for  a  leading  news 
paper.  It  is  scarcely  to  be  supposed  that  a  professional  and 
experienced  reporter  can  quietly  turn  over  and  go  to  sleep 
again  after  being  roused  by  a  murderous  outcry. 

I  was  determined  to  take  in  as  much  of  that  fight  as 
possible,  so  I  quickly  pulled  on  that  single  outer  garment 
which,  strangely  enough,  we  call  "  a  pair,"  and  without 
disturbing  my  slumbering  beloved,  hurried  out  of  the  car. 

(30) 


A   TRAVELING    EXPERIENCE. 


31 


As  nearly  as  I  could  learn,  some  track-layers  employed  by 
the  railroad  company  had  taken  advantage  of  night-time  to 
lay  down  rails  and  secure  a  new  road  just  where  the  citizens 
did  not  want  it.  These  separate  interests  had  just  met  in 
violent  conflict.  Stones  had  been  thrown;  revolvers  had 
been  used ;  and,  as  a  result,  there  were  a  few  broken  heads 

and  considerable  wasted 
blood  on  the  battle-field. 
The  conflict  as  now  rag 
ing  was  mainly  between 
the  chiefs  of  the  two 
parties,  and  each  was 
bent  on  annihilating  the 
other. 

As  I  stepped  off  the 
platform  of  the  car  an 
insanely  excited  young 
man  brushed  past  me, 
exclaiming,  "Where  is 
he?  Show  him  to  me! 
I'll  fix  him!"  And  I 
knew  he  meant  it,  for 
I  heard  the  click  of  his 
pistol  as  he  cocked  it 
ready  for  use. 

It  was  but  the  work 
of  a  moment  for  me  to  seize  his  arm  and  relieve  him  of  his 
deadly  weapon ;  but  no  sooner  had  I  accomplished  the  deed, 
than  with  the  agility  of  a  cat  he  turned  and  sprang  upon 
me.  Here  was  something  I  had  not  counted  on.  Never 
in  my  life  had  I  been  engaged  in  a  hand-to-hand  knockdown. 
My  voice  was  still  for  peace.  It  may  serve  to  give  one  a 


A  HASTY  TOILET. 


32 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


little  insight  into  my  naturally  pacific  disposition, -when  I 
say  that  I  allowed  that  fellow  to  hit  me  right  and  left  at 
least  seven  times,  although  it  did  not  take  him  long  to  do 
it  before  I  got  real  mad.  .  I  never  like  to  be  thoroughly 
exasperated,  because  somehow  it  seems  to  have  the  effect  to 
make  me  impulsive. 
After  a  while  I  began  to  pay  back  the  liberal  capital  he 


TAKING  A  HAND. 

had  given  me,  and  I  added  interest  with  no  niggardly  hand. 
I  surprised  myself.  For  an  inexperienced  athlete  I  had 
reason  to  be  proud  of  my  prowess.  Of  all  the  blows  I 
aimed  at  my  enemy  only  the  last  one  failed  to  take  effect, 
and  this  was  owing  to  the  interesting  circumstance  that 
just  previously  he  had  landed  so  far  away  that  I  could  not 
reach  him. 


A    TRAVELING    EXPERIENCE. 


33 


But  my  troubles  were  not  ended.  My  vanquished  opponent 
had  friends.  No  sooner  did  they  witness  my  victory  than 
they  pounced  upon  me  from  every  direction.  Now  ensued  a 
struggle  that  I  will  not  undertake  to  describe.  I  fear  I 
came  out  second  best,  but  it  was  so  dark,  and  I  was  so 
.completely  mixed  up  in  the  promiscuous  crowd  that  I  can 
not  positively  swear  just  how  I  did  come  out. 

Suffice  to  say,  when  the  scrimmage  was  over   the  train 
was    gone.      So    was    my 
sweetly  sleeping  wife.    So 
was  my  coat  and  vest,  hat 
and  boots. 

What  to  do  I  did  not 
know,  and  for  a  long  time 
I  kept  on  not  knowing. 
Then  it  occurred  to  me  to 
send  a  telegram  to  some 
station  ahead  of  the  train, 
to  be  delivered  to  my  wife 
on  its  arrival,  telling  her 
to  stop  off  and  wait  for  me. 
Into  the  telegraph  office  I 
rushed  and  wrote  a  mes- 


USELESS  ARGUMENT. 


sage  accordingly.  The  op 
erator  would  not  receive  it  without  having  it  paid  for  in 
advance.  At  this  stage  in  the  proceedings  I  was  brought 
suddenly  to  the  realization  that  I  had  not  a  cent  of  money 
in  my  possession.  All  the  capital  I  had  in  the  world  was 
in  my  purse,  and  that  was  under  the  pillow  in  the  berth 
of  the  sleeping-car. 

Vainly  did  I  plead  with  the  operator  to  show  me  some 
favor  in  view  of  my  misfortune.     Vainly  did  I  explain  to 


34 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL  OF   A    HUSBAND. 


him  how  I  had  just  saved  a  human  being's  life,  and  was 
therefore  fairly  entitled  to  some  consideration.  To  all  that 
I  could  say  he  returned  the  most  surly  answers.  He  even 
went  so  far  as  to  express  the  wish  that  I  would  be  compelled 
to  continue  my  journey  on  foot,  and  that  I  might  never 
succeed  in  overtaking  my  wife.  I  demanded  an  explanation. 
Then  it  came  out  that  I  had  been  fighting  against  the 
railroad  men.  What  favor  could  I  expect  from  the  railroad 

in  return  ?  "Why  had 
not  I  stayed  in  the  car 
and  minded  my  busi 
ness,  instead  of  coming 
outside  to  lend  sympa 
thy  and  support  to  a 
set  of  prejudiced,  hot 
headed  citizens,  who,  if 
they  could  have  their 
way,  would  break  up 
every  railroad  corpora 
tion  in  the  country? 
As  the  tempestuous 
operator  spat  out  these 
interrogatories  I  ob 
served  that  his  left 
eye  was  swelling.  I 
knew  then  what  was  affecting  his  bile.  He  had  been 
engaged  in  the  late  unpleasantness.  I  could  almost  recog 
nize  the  prints  of  my  knuckles  on  his  face. 

I  inquired  for  the  ticket-agent.  He  also  was  wounded. 
Some  of  his  comrades  had  just  taken  him  home  on  a  shutter. 
After  considerable  search  I  succeeded  in  finding  the  station- 
agent,  but  to  my  great  disappointment  he  would  neither  lend 


THE  STATION  AGENT. 


A   TRAVELING   EXPERIENCE.  35 

me  a  dollar  nor  provide  me  a  place  of  shelter.  His  head 
was  freshly  bandaged  and  he  was  on  his  way  to  the  drug 
store.  I  waited  for  him  to  purchase  a  bottle  of  liniment 
and  get  away,  when  I  entered  the  store,  hoping  to  find 
some  one  who  was  not  a  railroad  man.  This  hope  was 
fully  realized,  for  the  night-clerk  of  that  store  turned  out  to 
be  a  perfect  gentleman.  I  can  never  over-estimate  the 
obligations  to  him  under  which  his  kindness  placed  me.  No 
sooner  had  I  told  him  my  sad  story  than  he  enthusiastically 
commended  the  course  I  had  pursued.  The  railroad  com 
pany,  he  said,  was  bent  on  destroying  the  pride  of  Zania  by 
cutting  in  two  its  beautiful  park  on  which  fronted  the  finest 
residences  of  the  city.  His  own  father  had  been  engaged 
that  very  night  in  endeavoring  to  thwart  the  plans  of  the 
unholy  monopoly. 

I  had  no  difficulty  in  borrowing  money  of  my  new  friend. 
He  furnished  me  also  with  coat  and  vest,  and  was  anxious 
to  add  a  pair  of  boots,  but  he  did  not  happen  to  have  any 
that  he  could  spare.  However,  he  brought  me  a  pair  of 
fur-topped  overshoes,  which  1  managed  to  get  on. 

Thus  respectably  garbed  I  returned  to  the  telegraph  office 
and  succeeded  in  getting  a  message  sent  to  my  wife,  which, 
as  I  thought  was  very  nicely  and  clearly  worded,  but  which, 
as  the  sequel  will  show,  proved  to  be  quite  the  reverse. 

Meanwhile  that  lady  awoke.  At  first  she  did  not  miss  me. 
Why  should  she  ?  To  do  her  full  justice,  however,  it  must 
be  confessed  that  she  did  experience  an  undefined  impression, 
as  she  opened  her  eyes  and  looked  around  and  extended  her 
arms  and  felt  about,  that  something — she  could  not  quite 
recall  what — was  actually  missing. 

By  chance  her  gaze  fell  upon  two  immense  objects  at  the 
foot  of  the  berth.  She  was  thoroughly  startled.  At  no 


36 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


previous  time  in  her  life  had  she  been  suddenly  called  from 
dream-land  to  face  such  great,  black,  hideous  things  as  she 
now  beheld.  They  were  my  boots.  No  sooner  had  she 
recognized  this  fact  than  she  began  to  wonder  where  I  was. 
Without  a  moment's  delay  she  thrust  her  head  out  between 
the  curtains  and  examined  the  floor  to  see  whether  I  had 
not  fallen  out  of  bed  in  my  sleep.  Then  she  began  to  worry. 
Her  imagination,  conjured  up  a  thousand  calamities  that  had 


SHE  MISSED  803IETHIKG. 

befallen  me.  For  five  minutes  she  almost  ceased  to  breathe 
in  listening  for  my  returning  footsteps.  This  painful  sus 
pense  could  be  endured  no  longer.  Hastily  dressing  herself, 
she  began  to  search  for  me  through  the  train.  Meeting  the 
conductor,  she  plied  him  with  a  perfect  shower  of  questions. 
All  that  officer  could  say  was  that  there  had  been  a 
general  row  at  Zania,  and  that  he  had  seen  a  half-dressed 
passenger  get  off  and  engage  in  it,  and  had  not  seen  him  since. 
This  was  anything  but  pleasant  news  to  a  young  and 


A   TRAVELING   EXPERIENCE. 


37 


trusting  wife;  but,  bless  her  good  heart,  she  did  not  lose 
faith  in  me  for  a  single  second.  When,  at  the  next  station, 
the  conductor  received  my  message  she  wept  for  joy. 


THE    TELEGRAM. 


Tearing  it  from  the  envelope  she  read  as  follows : 

"  ZANIA,  3  A.  M.,  May  2, 18—. 
"  To  Mrs.  Augusta  Berkeley : 

"MY  DEAR:  Take  the  next  train  without  fail.  Stop  at 
Adrian.  The  money  is  under  the  pillow. 

AUGUST  BERKELEY." 

What  I  had  meant  was  that  /  should  take  the  next  train 
without  delay  and  overtake  her  at  Adrian. 

What  she  understood  was  that  she  should  get  off  at  Adrian 
and  there  take  returning  train  to  Zania.  As  I  now  review 
all  the  circumstances  of  the  case,  I  cannot  see  how  she  could 


38 


MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 


have  come  to  any  other  conclusion.  She  supposed  I  was 
without  money,  hat,  or  boots ;  and  moreover  predicted  that 
I  was  seriously  wounded. 

With  what  I  had  borrowed  from  the  druggist's  clerk  I 
purchased  a  ticket  and  started  for  Adrian,  about  the  time 
that  Mrs.  Berkeley  was  starting  for  Zania.  Of  course  we 


REUNITED. 


met  somewhere  on  the  road,  but  were  entirely  innocent  of 
that  important  circumstance. 

Arriving  at  Adrian,  and  learning  that  my  wife  had  gone 
to  Zania  I  jumped  aboard  a  lightning  express  train  which 
was  just  that  moment  returning,  and  went  back  to  Zania. 
Meantime — indeed,  I  thought  it  was  a  very  mean  time, — Mrs. 
Berkeley  had  left  Zania  and  was  returning  to  Adrian. 


A   TRAVELING   EXPERIENCE.  39 

When  I  arrived  at  my  destination  and  found  I  had  made 
another  blunder  I  resolved  to  wait  where  I  was  for  my  wife 
to  conie.  When  she  arrived  at  her  destination  she  resolved 
to  wait  where  she  was  for  my  coming.  Other  mistakes 
occurred,  but  in  spite  of  them  all  our  blissful  souls  were 
reunited  at  the  end  of  three  days,  and  I  promised  my  wife 
on  my — fur-topped  overshoes  that  I  would  never  leave  her 
again,  fight  or  no  fight,  unless  she  was  awake. 

She  was  very  proud  of  me,  however,  and  gave  me  several 
hundred  kisses  for  having  saved  three  men's  lives.  (I  told 
her  it  was  three,  and  no  doubt  I  was  within  the  limit,  for 
there  was  the  man  who  would  have  been  shot  if  I  had  not 
seized  his  mad  pursuer  and  nearly  annihilated  him,  and  the 
pursuer  himself  who  would  have  been  hung  for  the  murder, 
and  the  poor  judge  who  would  have  presided  at  the  trial  and 
who  undoubtedly  would  have  died  before  it  was  ended.) 


CHAPTER  III. 

A  CELEBRATION  EXPERIENCE. 

ON  resuming  our  journey  to  New  York,  we  chanced  to 
fall  in  with  another  bridal  couple,  also  from  Chicago, 
and  with  whom  I  had  been  slightly  acquainted.  Travelers 
journeying  in  the  same  direction  for  similar  purposes,  natu 
rally  feel  interested  in  one  another,  there  is  a  bond  of 
sympathy  between  them.  Newly  married  people  particu 
larly  are  affected  by  the  presence  of  others  in  the  same 
predicament.  Singled  out  as  they  are  and  subjected  to  the 
curious  gaze  of  the  rest  of  mankind, — notwithstanding  the 
efforts  made  to  escape  detection,  the  poor  unfortunates  are 
only  too  glad  to  receive  the  sympathy  they  get  from  others 
of  their  kind,  and  a  mutual  interest  is  the  result.  So  we 
found  our  friends  exceedingly  pleasant  traveling  compan 
ions,  who,  as  well  as  ourselves,  had  had  their  full  share  of 
novel  adventures,  the  relating  of  which  afforded  us  all 
infinite  amusement;  while  their  mirth  knew  no  bounds 
when  we  told  them  our  experiences  in  getting  married, 
and  getting  along  on  our  trip.  As  the  friendship  thus 
commenced  continued  for  a  number  of  years,  the  parties 
are  justly  entitled  to  a  formal  introduction : 

Ladies  and  Gentlemen,  I  have  the  honor  to  present  to 
you  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell. 

(40) 


A  CELEBRATION  EXPERIENCE. 


41 


I  noticed  that  a  great  many  country  persons  were  board 
ing  our  train,  although  it  was  quite  early  in  the  day ;  so  I 
inquired  of  some  of  them  what  was  the  special  occasion  that 
brought  them  out.  They  told  me  that  Jonesville  was  about 
to  celebrate  its  semi-centennial  anniversary,  and  there  was 
to  be  a  high  old  time  there  that  very  day.  They  were 


THE   GREAT   CELEBRATION. 


to  have  a  tub- 
race  across  a 
pond,  and  a 
sack  race  up  a 
hill.  There 
would  be  three 
greased  pigs 

for  people  to  climb,  and  four  greased  poles  for  them  to — do 
something  or  other  with. 

I  was  interested,  although  not  enthusiastic;  but  when  I 
learned  that  a  part  of  the  celebration  would  consist  of  a 
bicycle  race,  open  to  all  competitors,  and  that  the  winner 
would  receive  five  hundred  dollars,  my  whole  soul  was 
ablaze.  If  there  was  anything  I  could  do  to  perfection, 
riding  a  bicycle  was  that  thing.  I  had  practiced  it  for 
years,  and  no  one  in  Chicago  had  been  able  to  outride  me. 
"  Here  is  my  opportunity,"  I  said  to  my  wife.  u  We  need 


42 


MY  WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


the  money.  Our  three  days'  delay  in  trying  to  find  each 
other  consumed  considerable  capital.  This  five  hundred 
dollars  will  not  only  set  us  right  again,  but  give  us  quite  a 
start  in  the  world." 

My  wife  was  not  favorably  impressed  with  my  proposition. 
She  thought  it  looked  like  playing  a  game  of  chance  for 
gain,  which,  as  she  regarded  it,  was  the  same  as  gambling. 

"No,  my  dear,"  replied  I,  "it  will  not  be  playing,  but 
working;  and  there  is  no  element  of  chance,  where  one  is 


PAKT  OF  THE  PROGRAMME. 


sure  of  winning;  and,  besides,  I  shall  be  helping  to  promote 
a  most  worthy  enterprise." 

My  wife,  out  of  the  goodness  of  her  heart,  rather  than 
from  her  better  judgment,  suffered  herself  to  be  persuaded 
by  my  burning  eloquence. 

In  view  of  my  prospective  fortune,  I  could  not  be  mean ; 
so  I  invited  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell  to  stop  over  at  Jonesville 
to  witness  my  victory,  and  insisted  on  making  them  my 
guests. 


A    CELEBRATION    EXPERIENCE.  43 

There  were  a  few  other  little  expenses  I  had  not  reck 
oned  on.  For  example,  before  I  was  allowed  to  compete  for 
the  bicycle  prize,  I  was  obliged  to  pay  what  was  called  an 
entrance  fee  of  fifty  dollars.  Then  I  must  borrow  a  bicycle, 
for  which  I  was  charged  the  exorbitant  sum  of  twenty-five 
dollars  more. 

The  race  began.  There  was  one  man  in  particular  on 
whom  everybody  was  betting.  His  name  was  Sharpe ;  and 
he  was  lithe  as  an  Indian.  I  saw  at  once  that  the  real  con 
test  was  to  be  between  him  and  me. 

He  started  out  with  utmost  confidence  and  in  a  few 
seconds  had  put  himself  several  turns  of  the  wheel  ahead  of 
everybody  else. 

I  was  not  frightened.  I  knew  the  virtue  that  lay  in  my 
considerable  feet.  I  had  faith  in  them.  I  felt  that  I  had 
only  to  wait  till  they  warmed  to  the  business,  when  I  should 
see  them  effecting  execution  like  that  of  the  piston-rod  of  a 
Corliss  engine. 

At  first  there  was  great  shouting  in  favor  of  Sharpe,  but 
as  I  began  steadily  to  gain  on  him,  the  applause  was  less 
vigorous.  When  at  length  I  placed  myself  by  his  side, 
people  almost  held  their  breath.  He  was  evidently  a  favor- 
ate  whom  nobody  in  Jones ville  wanted  beaten,  especially  by 
a  stranger. 

I  now  apprehended  an  easy  victory.  I  had  made  no  spurt 
nor  expended  any  of  my  reserve  force,  while  it  was  plain 
to  be  seen  that  Sharpe  was  under  a  full  head  of  steam,  and 
vainly  wishing  he  had  more. 

Without  any  great  effort  I  placed  myself  some  distance  in 
the  advance.  Everything  was  going  well  and  I  was  nearly 
home  when  I  heard  a  piercing  cry  of  distress.  Turning 
about,  I  saw  Sharpe  lying  flat  on  the  ground  with  his  bicycle 


44 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


on  top  of  him.  He  had  run  into  a  pile  of  stones,  and,  as  I 
supposed,  was  seriously  hurt.  Only  one  impulse  possessed 
me — to  go  to  his  relief. 

As  soon  as  I  could  get  to  him,  I  lifted  the  weight  from  his 
prostrate  form,  and  tried  to  set  him  on  his  feet,  but  every 
movement  seemed  to  pain  him  exceedingly.  He  declared 
that  his  leg  was  broken,  and  that  he  was  injured  internally. 


* 


THE    PROMISE. 


He  had  cut  his  lip  on  a  fragment  of  stone,  and  as  the  blood 
flowed  freely,  several  ladies  fainted.  He  requested  me  to 
hold  up  his  bicycle  for  him  to  lean  against. 

I  did  so. 

Then  he  wanted  to  see  if  it  were  possible  for  him  to  mount 
it.  I  thought  he  was  crazy.  Anything  but  that.  He  did 
mount;  and  before  I  fully  had  time  to  comprehend  the  situa 
tion,  he  was  making  his  vehicle  fairly  buzz  on  the  home 


AN  UNGRATEFUL  WUKTCH. 


A    CELEBRATION    EXPERIENCE.  47 

stretch,  and  never  did  he  stop  till  he  reached  the  goal  and 
was  declared  winner  of  the  race,  amid  the  deafening  applause 
of  the  multitude. 

If  that  was  not  a  swindle  I  never  saw  one. 

The  next  day  the  Jonesville  G-azette  came  out  with  glaring 
headlines,  saying  that  Mr.  Sharpe  had  won  an  easy  victory 
over  the  gentleman  from  Chicago,  having  had  plenty  of  time 
to  dismount,  while  on  the  track,  for  the  purpose  of  oiling  his 
machine. 

After  my  disgrace,  although  Augusta  met  me  with  a  sweet 
smile,  she  made  me  promise  that  I  would  never  ride  a 
bicycle  again  for  money. 

That  same  evening  I  got  into  another  difficulty  of  a  much 
worse  sort. 

Mr.  Jewell  and  I  left  the  ladies  in  the  hotel  while  we  went 
out  to  see  a  sack-race  by  moonlight.  Strange  to  say,  some 
of  the  most  prominent  citizens  of  Jonesville  had  been  enticed 
into  that  ridiculous  performance.  Even  lawyers  and  doctors 
allowed  themselves  to  be  tied  up  in  a  sack,  while  they  tried 
to  race  down  hill  with  each  other. 

Everything  is  governed  by  mania.  Just  now  this  was  the 
mania.  At  another  time  you  could  no  more  have  induced 
one  of  those  respectable  gentlemen  to  engage  in  this  rude 
sport,  than  you  could  have  persuaded  him  to  eat  raw  oysters 
with  a  knife. 

Unfortunately  I  myself  am  susceptible  to  the  subtle  power 
of  the  ruling  mania,  whatever  it  happens  to  be. 

At  first,  when  I  was  asked  to  participate  in  the  amuse 
ment,  I  refused ;  but  when  fifty  dollars  were  offered  to  the 
one  who  would  go  up  the  hill  in  a  sack,  making  the  fastest 
time,  I  thought  I  saw  my  way  clear  to  recover  the  money  I 
had  paid  out  that  morning  as  an  entrance  fee. 


48  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Mr.  Jewell  favored  the  scheme.  He  argued  that  I  had 
much  to  gain,  and  nothing  to  lose.  He  thought  my  success 
would  please  my  wife. 

Enough  said !  Bring  on  the  sack ! 

I  had  some  difficulty  in  getting  one  large  enough ; 
but  when  once  in  it,  I  realized  that  my  broad  foundations 
would  serve  me  well. 


A    NEW    VENTURE. 

Running  up  hill  in  a  bag  is  simply  a  trial  of  muscle  and 
grit;  and,  as  I  had  plenty  of  both,  I  won.  I  more  than 
won.  In  my  anxiety  to  make  a  record  that  could  never  be 
beaten,  I  tore  down  all  barriers,  and  went  far  beyond  the 
stretched  rope  which  was  designed  as  the  stopping-place. 
Those  miserable  Jonesville  villains  encouraged  my  going  on, 


A    CELEBRATION    EXPERIENCE. 


49 


although  they  very  well  knew — what  I  did  not  know — that 
directly  in  front  of  me 
was  a  deep  railroad  cut, 
whose  banks  of  sand  and 
gravel  were  very  precipi 
tous. 

It  was  only  a  ques 
tion  of  time,  and  the 
time  speedily  came. 
Down  I  went,  heels  over 
head,  carrying  tons  of 
earth  with  me,  and 
bringing  other  tons  after 
me.  Between  the  track 
and  the  embankment 
was  a  ditch  filled  with 
water;  and  into  this  I 
rolled,  while  the  vast 
quantity  of  sand  I  had 
loosened  rolled  on  top 
of  me,  until  I  could  not 
move  a  muscle  of  my 
body,  or  obtain  a  breath 
of  air. 

Death  would  have 
ended  my  career  then 
and  there  had  it  not 
been  for  my  friend,  Mr. 
Jewell.  Learning  from 
others  what  had  befallen 
me,  he  threw  himself 
into  the  treacherous  cut,  TTTR 


50 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


at  the  risk  of  losing  his  own  life,  and  at  once  began  an 
anxious  search  for  my  body.  This,  in  all  probability,  he 
would  not  have  found  till  too  late  had  it  not  been  for  the 
fortunate  circumstance  of  stumbling  across  one  of  my  feet, 
which  had  burst  the  sack,  and  protruded  from  the  sand. 
That  foot  was  my  salvation.  I  followed  it  out  of  my  living 


7N 


THE   RESCUE. 

grave,  a  sadder,  but  a  wiser  man.  Never  had  I  a  more 
narrow  escape  from  a  horrible  death. 

As  soon  as  I  was  sufficiently  restored  to  speak,  I  gave  my 
hand  to  Mr.  Jewell,  and  begged  him  to  regard  me  as  his 
willing  servant  for  the  rest  of  my  life. 

"  Make  me  one  promise,"  said  I.  "  If  ever  it  is  in  my 
power  to  do  you  a  favor,  you  will  not  hesitate  to  let  me 
know." 


A  CELEBRATION  EXPERIENCE.  51 

He  promised. 

"Whatever  you  shall  ever  ask,"  said  I,  "it  shall  be 
granted." 

Little  did  I  realize  then  how  much  those  words  would 
cost  me.  More  than  once  I  have  almost  wished  he  had  left 
me  in  my  grave. 

But  I  must  not  anticipate. 

My  good  wife  was  glad  to  see  me  again,  although  not  pre 
pared  for  the  dirty  and  wretched  appearance  which  I  pre 
sented.  Xot  one  word  of  reproof  passed  her  affectionate 
lips.  She  made  me  promise,  however,  as  she  gave  me  a 
hundred  kisses,  that  I  would  never  again  engage  in  a  sack- 
race.  And  she  used  such  queer  arguments,  even  saying 
that  doing  such  things  for  money  showed  symptoms  of  the 
gambling  mania.  Did  you  ever! 

I  told  her  she  would  come  to  be  so  scrupulous,  yet,  that 
she  would  not  engage  in  a  raffle  at  a  church  fair.  Then  I 
learned,  to  my  great  grief,  that  she  was  opposed  to  that  too. 

I  tried  to  explain  to  her  that  nothing  is  gambling  unless 
those  who  engage  in  it  call  it  gambling,  and  that  the  little 
diversions  which  are  sometimes  practiced  by  churches  and 
Sunday-schools  are  only  a  nice  way  which  people  have 
of  replenishing  the  treasury  of  the  Lord.  "  There  is  a  wide 
difference,"  said  I,  "between  sin  per  se  and  sin  which  is  not 
per  se."  But  even  this  point,  being  a  woman,  she  failed  to 
see,  and  insisted  on  my  giving  the  "right  name"  to  those 
pecuniary  games  of  chance  in  which  even  some  saints  of 
earth  occasionally  indulge. 

Then  I  labored  to  show  to  her  that  what  she  was  denounc 
ing  was  simply  a  way — nothing  in  the  world  but  a  way  of 
raising  money,  sometimes  for  the  purpose  of  increasing 
a  poor  minister's  salary,  or  of  paying  the  interest  on  a 
mortgage. 


52  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"Yes,"  said  she,  "one  way  to  make  Hamburg  cheese  is  to 
place  common  cheese  in  a  Hamburg  box.  One  way  to  make 
ox-marrow  pomade  is  to  take  swine's  fat,  and  put  it  in  a 
pretty  bottle  labeled  with  the  picture  of  an  ox.  One  way 
to  make  a  market  for  ideas  is  to  have  them  placed  over  the 
autograph  of  a  person  who  has  notoriety,  even  though  he 
may  never  have  had  an  idea  of  his  own.  And  one  way  to 
play  Christian  is  to  attach  to  a  man  the  name  of  some 
popular  church,  while  he  indulges  in  worldliness  to  his 
heart's  content.  There  are  other  ways." 

At  this  point  I  dropped  the  argument ;  for  there  is  no  use 
in  trying  to  convince  a  woman  when  she  once  gets  her  head 
set. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

HOUSE-KEEPING. 

~T~~)  BACHING  New  York  somewhat  more  alive  than  dead, 
-I-X  my  first  business  was  to  rent  a  small  printing-office  in 
Newspaper  Row,  and  start  a  weekly  publication,  called 
THE  FARMER'S  GUIDE. 

I  knew  very  little  about  farming ;  but  I  did  not  apprehend 
any  difficulty  on  that  account,  for  my  aim  was  to  make  an 
original  paper,  free  from  that  prejudice  and  dogmatism 
which  many  editors  manifest,  if,  by  chance,  they  happen  to 
be  well-informed  in  regard  to  the  subjects  they  write  about. 

After  investing  enough  capital  to  insure  the  starting  of 
this  business  enterprise,  my  own  means  were  entirely 
exhausted.  Augusta,  however,  had  a  few  hundred  dollars 
that  her  father  had  given  her  as  a  wedding  present,  and  I 
made  the  proposition  to  her  that  we  take  this  and  go  to 
house-keeping.  She  did  not  readily  respond  to  the  idea. 
She  intuitively  felt,  she  said,  that  it  would  be  a  bad  move, 
and  advised  our  putting  the  money  out  at  interest,  and  con 
tenting  ourselves  with  boarding  at  a  moderate  expense. 

My  wife's  instinct  seemed  to  be  continually  coming  in 
conflict  with  my  own  cool,  calm,  reason-wrought  judgment ; 
but,  bless  her  heart!  after  a  brief  struggle  she  generally 
saw  the  folly  of  trying  to  argue  without  arguments,  and 
gracefully  surrendered  to  my  aforesaid  judgment. 
4  (53) 


54  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

I  was  always  right,  logically ;  but,  nevertheless,  by  mere 
chance,  things  would  so  come  to  pass,  that,  in  most  cases, 
we  should  have  been  much  better  off  if  her  instinct  had 
been  followed. 

"Very  well,"  said  she  at  the  conclusion  of  our  quiet  little 
talk  on  the  subject,  "  it  shall  be  as  you  say.  But  first  we 
must  look  for  a  house." 

"  We  cannot  rent  a  whole  house,"  said  I. 

"I  have  heard  about  flats,"  she  replied.  "Are  they  too 
expensive  ?  " 

"Most  certainly  they  are,  my  dear." 

"Then  what  shall  we  do?" 

"  We  must  get  a  suite  of  rooms  in  a  tenement-house." 

I  saw  plainly  enough  that  my  wife  was  not  pleased  with 
this  plan ;  but  I  had  my  heart  set  on  it,  so  I  said,  in  gentle 
accents : 

"  Now,  darling,  do  not  allow  that  shadow  to  rest  on  your 
beautiful  brow,  for  you  have  only  to  remind  yourself  that 
the  deprivations  to  which  circumstances  now  compel  us  to 
submit  will  be  exceedingly  brief.  My  "  Farmer's  Guide " 
must  soon  bring  in  a  rich  return,  and  it  cannot  be  many 
years  before  we  may  own  a  mansion  on  Fifth  Avenue." 

Augusta  smiled  and  kissed  me,  as  she  said : 

"  Of  course,  you  know  best,  and  I  will  willingly  live  with 
you  anywhere." 

It  is  marvelous  what  a  trusting  nature  that  woman  had. 

The  best  we  could  do  with  our  limited  means  was  to  rent 
two  large  rooms  on  the  fifth  floor  of  a  business  house. 

My  wife  was  delighted  with  my  selection,  it  being  so 
much  better  than  she  had  dared  to  hope  for. 

The  secret  of  happiness  is  not  in  what  we  get,  but  in  get 
ting  more  than  we  anticipate. 


HOUSE-KEEPING. 


55 


I  left  Augusta  sitting  on  a  soap-box  in  one  of  the  other 
wise  empty  rooms,  engaged  in  nursing  a  headache,  while  I 
took  her  wedding  present  and  her  bill  of  items,  and  went 
out  to  order  furniture,  cooking  utensils,  groceries,  etc. 

I  doubt  not  that  the  making  of  that  bill  of  items — think 
ing  of  everything  we  needed,  and  remembering  the  small 


HOME,    SWEET  HOME. 

sum  of  money  at  our  command — was  the  cause  of  her  head 
ache.  And  now  that  I  recall  the  aggravating  problem  on 
which  she  was  engaged,  I  am  greatly  surprised  that  she 
escaped  a  fatal  brain  fever. 

One  thing  which  she  had  noted  down  was,  "  Cheap  carpet 
for  the  bedroom." 


56 


MY   WIFE  S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


Seeing  a  carpet-store,  I  thought  I  might  as  well  get  that 
article  first,  and  have  done  with  it. 

The  clerk  who  waited  on  me  had  the  "  gift  of  gab  "  to 
perfection.  Under  the  magic  of  his  insidious  persuasiveness 
I  came  to  believe  that  the  special  thing  which  would  please 


THE  ELOQUENT  CLERK. 

my  wife  more  than  all  else  was  an  elegant  Brussels  carpet. 
The  one  which  he  unrolled  before  my  enraptured  gaze  dis 
played  a  wealth  of  delicate  tints  not  to  be  compared  with 
anything  I  had  ever  seen.  The  more  I  looked  at  it  and  the 
more  I  heard  that  man  talk,  the  more  spell-bound  I  became. 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  57 

"Yes,"  said  I,  "we  do  want  at  least  one  article  really 
nice ; "  and  as  I  thought  of  my  suffering  wife  occupying 
that  cold,  uncovered  floor,  and  then,  in  imagination,  saw  her 
reclining  on  this  carpet  of  richly-woven  flowers,  I  said : 

"  I'll  take  it." 

"  Two  dollars  and  a  half  a  yard  is  very  cheap  for  that 
class  of  goods,"  remarked  the  oily-tongued  clerk.  "  What 
are  the  dimensions  of  your  room?" 

I  looked  at  the  paper  which  my  wife  had  provided  me 
with,  and  read : 

"  Twenty-two  feet  long  by  twenty  feet  wide." 

"  And  a  magnificent  bedroom  it  is ! "  exclaimed  the  man. 
"  You  will  not  find  many  in  this  city  so  fine  and  airy." 

I  was  delighted  with  his  conversation.  I  grew  prouder 
every  moment. 

"  Of  course,"  said  he,  "  you  must  have  something  under 
your  carpet  to  make  it  elastic  to  the  tread ;  and  you 
wouldn't  think  of  adopting  the  vulgar  country  practice  of 
padding  with  straw  or  old  newspapers." 

I  answered  him  warmly,  that  I  would  adopt  nothing 
vulgar. 

"  We  have  a  lining  of  our  own  patent,"  said  he,  "  which  is 
decidedly  the  best  thing  in  the  market.  It  is  made  up 
largely  of  cedar  shavings,  to  keep  away  moths." 

"  Do  you  charge  extra  for  it? "  I  inquired. 

"  Only  seventy-five  cents  a  yard,"  he  replied,  with  an  air 
which  seemed  to  say,  it  is  not  worth  mentioning. 

"  I  must  have  it,"  said  I. 

"You  are  a  man  of  remarkably  good  sense,"  he  replied, 
his  eyes  beaming  with  approbation. 

I  agreed  with  him. 

"  Will  you  have  the  carpet  put  down  for  me  ?  "  I  inquired. 


58 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


"  Certainly.  We  shall  engage  the  very  best  workmen  for 
that  purpose." 

"  Will  you  have  it  done  immediately? " 

"  This  very  day,  if  you  so  order." 

"  Then  I  so  order,"  said  I. 

I  was  just  leaving  the  store,  when  the  clerk  called  me 
back,  and,  after  blushingly  apologizing  for  troubling  me, 
imparted  the  information  that,  in  accordance  with  a  rule 


A  DEPOSIT,    PLEASE. 

which  his  firm  had  adopted,  it  would  be  necessary  for  me  to 
make  a  small  deposit,  in  order  to  insure  the  delivery  of  the 
goods. 

"  Oh,  yes ! "  I  exclaimed,  "  How  much  shall  it  be?  " 

"  Say,  forty  dollars,"  carelessly  remarked  the  clerk. 

I  paid  it. 

My  first  impression  was  that  there  would  not  be  much 
more  to  pay.  I  had  not  considered  that  there  would  be  an 


A  SHAKP  BAROAIX. 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  61 

extra  charge  for  binding  my  carpet,  another  for  making  it 
up,  and  another  for  putting  it  down,  and  that  all  this  was  to 
be  done  in  the  very  best  manner.  Neither  had  I  considered 
that  a  yard  of  Brussels  is  only  twenty-seven  inches  in  width. 

My  next  visit  was  to  a  grocery.  Here  I  made  a  few  pur 
chases,  and  was  doing  well,  when  I  came  to  the  item 
"Molasses."  My  wife  had  neglected  to  say  how  much  I 
should  get. 

I  am  very  fond  of  the  long-tailed  sugar,  and  I  resolved 
that  griddle-cakes  and  molasses  should  be  my  chief  diet  for 
some  time  to  come. 

"If  one  wishes  to  economise,"  said  the  grocer,  "he  should 
buy  all  imperishable  articles  by  the  quantity.  By  the  single 
gallon,  this  molasses  will  cost  you  one  dollar;  but  by  taking 
a  barrel,  which  is  forty  gallons,  at  thirty-six  dollars,  you 
make  a  clean  saving  of  four  dollars,  which,  as  Franklin 
would  say,  is  equal  to  eight  dollars  earned." 

To  my  mind,  this  was  a  very  practical  argument ;  so  I 
closed  the  bargain  in  accordance  with  the  grocer's  advice. 

By  this  time,  I  was  tired  of  marketing,  and,  as  I  looked 
at  the  long  list  of  purchases  yet  to  make,  I  began  to  have  a 
suspicion  that  I  had  not  sufficient  money  to  go  around. 

A  wise  idea  struck  me :  I  would  wait  till  my  wife  was 
relieved  of  her  headache,  and  then  turn  the  unfinished  work 
over  to  her.  I  recollected  that  the  money  was  hers  by 
right,  and  what  could  be  more  proper  than  for  her  to  become 
responsible  for  its  expenditure — especially  as  it  was  liable 
to  fall  short. 

With  this  consoling  conclusion,  I  put  away  the  list  of 
"things  wanted,"  while  I  fell  into  a  political  controversy 
with  one  of  the  grocer's  customers. 

Toward  evening  I  wended  my  way  home. 


62 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


When  about  half  way  up  the  numerous  stairs  leading  to 
our  rooms,  I  heard  voices  which  indicated  an  unpleasant 
difference  of  opinion.  To  my  astonishment,  my  wife's  voice 
could  be  heard  above  all  others. 

I  stopped  to  listen. 

"I  tell  you,"  said  she,  "there  is   some  mistake,  and   I 


FACING  THE  STORM. 


order  you  to  stop  putting  down  that  carpet.  My  husband  is 
not  such  a  monstrous  fool  as  to  buy  anything  of  that  kind 
for  a  place  like  this ! " 

Had  a  bombshell  that  moment  exploded  in  my  face,  I 
could  not  have  felt  more  thoroughly  used  up.  What  to  do 
I  didn't  know.  My  first  thought  was  to  turn  and  fly,  go 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  63 

back  to  Chicago,  consider  my  marriage  a  dream,  and  resume 
the  business  of  newspaper  reporting,  as  though  nothing  had 
happened. 

"  Oh,  how  I  wish  my  husband  would  come !  "  vociferated 
Augusta  from  the  top  floor  of  the  house.  "  You  would  find 
yourselves  dealing  with  a  man  then." 

Was  I  a  man?  I  asked  of  myself.  After  a  reasonable 
doubt,  I  decided  in  the  affirmative. 

Yes,  and  like  a  man  I  would  face  the  storm,  instead  of 
going  back  to  Chicago. 

"  My  dear,"  said  I,  as  soon  as  I  reached  the  room,  "  I 
bought  that  carpet  on  purpose  for  you.  I  thought  you 
would  like  it,  and  out  of  the  love  of  my  heart —  " 

Augusta  interrupted  me;  but  I  shall  not  publish  her 
remarks,  for,  as  I  told  her  at  the  time,  she  would  not  have 
talked  that  way  if  she  had  been  well.  It  was  her  headache, 
which,  as  I  earnestly  assured  her,  made  her  irresponsible 
for  her  impulsive  words. 

I  cannot  say  that  she  was  at  all  soothed  by  my  charitable 
verdict. 

However,  in  due  time,  she  grew  calm,  and  most  respect 
fully  listened  to  my  cool,  quiet,  deliberate  level-headed- 
ness. 

Just  as  I  was  congratulating  myself  on  a  great  word  vic 
tory,  we  heard  a  confusion  of  sounds  proceeding  from  one 
of  the  lower  stairways,  which  apparently  could  neither  have 
been  more  nor  worse  if  Barnum's  entire  circus  had  been 
coming  up  to  call  on  us.  In  a  few  moments,  we  heard  men 
making  use  of  the  most  shocking  oaths,  and  giving  every 
evidence  of  being  as  mad  as  mad  could  be. 

"  Do  go  down  and  see  what  the  trouble  is,"  requested 
Augusta. 


64 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


But  I  knew  too  well  what  was  coming,  as  soon  as  I  heard 
an  angry  man  declare,  with  an  oath,  that  he  would  never 
again  undertake  a  job  of  that  sort  where  there  was  no 
elevator,  and  that  nobody  but  a  consummate  idiot  would 
ever  ask  to  have  such  a  thing  brought  to  such  a  place. 

"  My  dear,"  quietly  remarked  I  to  Augusta,  there  is  no 
cause  for  alarm.  It  is  only  some  men  trying  to  roll  up  a 
barrel  of  molasses." 


A  HEROIC   STRUGGLE. 

"You  don't  mean  to  say,"  began  Augusta,  her  large, 
bright  eyes  so  keenly  penetrating  my  soul  that  I  was  obliged 
to  look  down  to  the  floor,  "  that  you  have  " — 

"  Yes,  my  dear,  I  bought  it  for  griddle  cakes.  It  won't 
last  long." 

Astonishing  as  it  may  seem,  Augusta  answered  not  a 
word.  Let  it  be  recorded,  to  the  shame  of  other  wives,  that 
not  a  word  did  she  utter.  She  just  went  and  sat  down  on 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  65 

the  soap-box,  set  her  teeth  hard  together,  placed  one  hand 
on  top  of  her  head,  the  other  beneath  her  chin,  and  held  on 
so  unflinchingly  that  not  a  syllable  could  escape. 

Oh,  how  I  admired  her  heroic  struggle  against  tempta 
tion  !  Plainly  I  could  see  the  heaving  billows  of  that  tem 
pestuous  sea,  to  which  she  was  inwardly  crying,  "  Peace ! 
peace ! " 

Complete  triumph  was  hers. 

When,  at  last,  she  spoke,  it  was  only  to  say,  with  her 
sweetest  smile : 

"  Isn't  this  romantic  ?  " 

"  How  so  ? "  I  inquired. 

"  Delightfully  romantic  !  "  she  continued ;  "  going  to 
house-keeping  in  the  fifth  story  of  a  business  block,  with 
nothing  but  a  two-hundred-dollar  carpet  and  a  barrel  of 
molasses." 

No  storm  that  she  could  have  raised,  although  it  had  been 
packed  full  of  lightning,  would  have  so  completely  revealed 
my  unmitigated  idiocy  as  did  this  bit  of  quiet  sunshine. 

However,  I  would  not  have  confessed  to  her,  for  the 
world,  how  I  really  felt.  I  was  determined  to  carry  a  bold 
front,  and  make  the  most  of  what  I  had  done. 

"  Our  kitchen  is  much  the  smaller  room,"  suggested 
Augusta,  "  and  it  may  puzzle  us  a  little  to  find  space  in  it 
for  that  molasses." 

"Why,  I  am  sure  I  could  set  a  dozen  barrels  there,"  I 
responded. 

"  But  you  forget  the  stove  and  all  the  groceries  that  the 
kitchen  must  contain.  Besides,  it  must  be  our  dining-room." 

"  Then  we  will  put  the  molasses  in  the  bedroom  ? " 

"  I  dislike  to  see  that  pretty  carpet  injured,"  responded 
Augusta,  in  her  blandest  tones,  as  the  barrel  was  rolled  in. 


66 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


"  Trust  me  to  provide  against  that,"  I  replied.  "  In  the 
first  place,  I  shall  put  down  these  clean  joist  for  the  barrel 
to  stand  on,  and  shall  then  place  some  thick  paper  under 
the  faucet  to  catch  the  drippings." 

"  Do  you  really  think,"  inquired  Augusta,  meekly,  "  that 
the  bedroom  is  the  proper  place  for  that  molasses  ?  " 

"  Certainly  I  do,  under  the  circumstances.     We  have  but 


TRYING  THE  ARTICLE. 

two  places,  and  you  yourself  have  shown  conclusively  that 
there  is  no  room  for  it  in  the  kitchen  ;  therefore  its  going 
into  the  bedroom  becomes  a  necessity ;  and  what  does 
Shakespeare  say  ?  '  There  is  no  virtue  like  necessity.' 
What  does  Jeremy  Taylor  say?  '  Nothing  is  intolerable  that 
is  necessary.'  And  what  does  our  great  and  good  Emerson 
say  ?  *  Necessity  does  everything  well ; '  and  so  say  I." 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  67 

"  And  what  you  four  gentlemen  say  must  be  so,"  remarked 
Augusta.  "  Therefore  the  molasses  remains  in  the  bedroom." 

That  night  we  retired  early.  I  had  failed  to  provide  a 
couch,  but  my  wife  arranged  a  very  nice  place  for  us  on  the 
floor,  and  we  slept,  as  you  might  say,  three  in  a  bed, — 
Augusta  and  I  and  the  barrel  of  molasses. 

Before  lying  down,  I  had  attempted  to  draw  out  a  cup-full 
of  the  sweetening,  so  as  to  have  it  ready  for  breakfast ;  but, 
to  my  surprise,  it  would  not  run.  Although  I  opened  the 
faucet  to  its  fullest  extent,  only  a  few  drops  could  be  coaxed 
from  the  barrel.  I  was  worried.  I  laid  down  and  tried  to 
sleep,  but  nothing  could  I  do  except  to  toss  about  and  won 
der  by  what  process  I  was  to  get  access  to  my  griddle-cake 
dressing. 

It  must  have  been  about  ten  or  eleven  o'clock,  when  my 
wife,  with  a  sort  of  twinkle  in  her  voice,  asked  me  if  I  had 
ever  studied  philosophy. 

"  Of  course  I  have,"  I  replied. 

"  And  did  you  ever  learn  about  the  atmosphere  pressing 
on  everything  it  touches  at  the  rate  of  fifteen  pounds  to  the 
square  inch?" 

"  Certainly." 

"  Then  why  not  bore  a  little  hole  in  the  top  of  the  barrel, 
so  the  air  can  get  in  ?  " 

"  Any  fool  would  know  enough  for  that,"  I  ungraciously 
remarked ;  "  but  the  trouble  is  I  have  no  gimlet." 

"  I  believe  there  is  an  augur  among  the  tools  in  that  box 
by  the  door,"  said  Augusta.  "They  were  left  here  this 
afternoon  by  a  man  whom  the  landlord  sent  to  fix  the  win 
dows.  Don't  get  up  now !  Can't  you  just  as  well  wait  till 
morning?  " 
,  "  No,"  said  I,  "  this  hole  must  be  bored  before  I  can  sleep 


68 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


a   wink.     It   is   my  nature   to   get   everything   off   of   my 

mind." 

"I  should  think  you  might  accomplish  that  feat  very 

early  in  the  day,  as  a  gen 
eral  rule,"  suggested  my 
better-half,  while  I,  with 
three  or  four  vigorous 
turns,  sent  the  augur 
through  the  top ,  of  the 
barrel. 

"  I  am  satisfied  now," 
said  I,  regaining  my 
proper  position  in  our 
lowly  bed.  "  If  I  should 
happen  to  oversleep  in 
the  morning,  there  will 
be  nothing  to  hinder  you 
from  getting  breakfast." 

Pretty  soon  we  both 
lost  ourselves  in  that 
sweet  slumber  which  be- 
belongs  only  to  the  inno 
cent. 

A  VENT  HOLE.  How  long  we  had   bCCll 

in  that  blessed  condition  is  uncertain,  when  I  was  awakened 
by  a  most  frightful  cry,  proceeding  from  my  wife. 

"  Take  them  off !  Oh,  take  them  off  ! "  she  continued  to 
scream. 

"What  is  it?"  I  inquired. 

"  Snakes ! "  came  the  reply. 

Just  at  that  moment,  I  felt  something  cold  and  clammy 
crawling  up  my  back,  and  I  jumped  to  my  feet  only  to  find 


HOUSE-KEEPING.  69 

myself  wading  deep  in  molasses.  I  had  left  the  faucet 
wide  open  after  boring  the  hole  in  the  barrel. 

I  shut  it  off  as  soon  as  I  could,  which,  however,  was 
quite  a  useless  proceeding,  inasmuch  as  the  contents  of 
the  barrel  were  already  at  large  on  our  beautiful  carpet. 

My  wife  began  to  cry,  and,  as  for  myself,  I  was  ready  to 
howl  with  grief  and  chagrin. 


A  NICE  FIX. 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  with  what  coolness  I  could  command, 
"  I  told  you  so." 

This  was  the  first  opportunity  I  had  ever  had  to  quote 
that  comforting  remark  to  the  woman  of  my  choice,  so  I 
made  the  most  of  it. 

"  I  told  you  so !  and  you  know  well  enough  that  I  told 
you  so !  "  I  reiterated. 


70  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  In  the  name  of  all  that  is  out,  what  did  you  tell  me? " 
sobbed  Augusta. 

"  I  told  you  that  that  barrel  of  molasses  wouldn't  last 
long." 

My  sweet  wife  continued  to  cry.  I  knew  then,  as  well  as 
words  could  tell  me,  that  she  mourned  the  loss  of  the 
molasses.  It  was  her  way  of  approving  my  purchase.  Then 
I  loved  her  more  than  ever,  and  set  to  work  in  earnest  to 
pour  comfort  into  her  heart. 

"  Never  mind  your  loss,"  said  I.  "  True,  it  is  very  great, 
but  you  have  me  left.  Molasses  may  come,  and  molasses 
may  go,  but  I  shall  be  with  you  always.  Why,  then,  should 
you  be  discouraged?  I  will  not  withdraw  from  you  although 
everything  else  should  be  gone." 

This  was  so  consoling  to  her  that  she  laughed  a  little. 

"I  am  reminded,"  said  she,  "of  Elder  Perkins'  prayer." 

"  What  was  that?  " 

"  0  Lord,  even  though  thy  church  should  be  broken  up, 
and  thy  cause  on  earth  be  forever  lost,  suffer  not  thyself  to 
r'epent  having  made  the  world,  for  I  will  stand  by  thee 
without  ceasing,  even  though  all  others  forsake  thy  counte 
nance." 

Even  to  this  day,  I  have  not  found  out  what  Augusta 
meant  by  quoting  that  singular  prayer.  Perhaps  the  loss  of 
the  griddle-cake  dressing  had  so  overwhelmed  her  that  she 
was  not  in  her  right  mind. 


CHAPTER  V. 

OUR  FIRST  SUNDAY  AT  HOME. 

IN  a  modest,  very  modest  way,  we  had  set  up  our  house 
hold  gods,  and  they  reminded  us  of  our  glorious  inde 
pendence — and  our  debts. 

"  Xow,  let  us  hegin  right,"  said  Augusta.  "  This  is  the 
first  Sabbath  that  has  smiled  on  our  new  home,  and  we 
must  go  to  church." 

"  That  proposition  does  not  strike  me  favorably,"  I 
replied.  "  Sermons,  for  the  most  part,  are  exceedingly 
dull.  You  might  listen  to  a  dozen  of  them  without  getting 
a  single  joke  worth  remembering." 

If  at  that  time  I  had  ever  attended  any  of  the  Brooklyn 
churches  my  criticism  would  not  have  been  so  harsh. 

"  But  it  is  our  duty  to  go  to  church,"  pleaded  Augusta. 
"  It  is  not  only  the  avenue  to  heaven,  but  the  avenue  to 
society.  Besides,  our  wedding-clothes  will  never  be  in  bet 
ter  condition  than  they  are  now,  and  I  think  that  even  in 
this  great  city  we  can  attract  some  attention,  and  that,  too, 
from  the  very  best  people." 

"  You  are  right,  my  dear,"  I  answered,  enthusiastically. 
"  It  is  our  duty  to  go  to  church,  and  we  shall  be  the  finest 
looking  couple  there.  Let  us  get  ready  at  once.  My  wed 
ding  suit  is  in  the  valise." 

5  (71) 


72  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"Yes,"  said  Augusta,  "and  I  am  sorry  you  have  not 
taken  better  care  of  your  clothes.  They  should  have  been 
removed,  unfolded,  and  hung  up,  so  that  the  creases  would 
be  smoothed  out." 

"  I  know  that,"  I  replied  ;  "  but,  for  some  reason  or  other, 
I  have  not  been  able  to  unlock  that  valise  since  leaving 
Chicago.  The  key  appears  twice  too  large,  although  when 
I  bought  the  valise,  the  day  before  the  wedding,  it  fitted 
exactly." 

"  Let  me  try  it,"  said  Augusta.  "  Why,  this  key  was 
never  made  for  this  lock,"  she  continued.  "  Where  is  the 
right  key  ?  " 

"Ask  me  some  easy  question,"  said  I. 

Our  trunk  keys  and  all  the  keys  we  possessed  were  tried 
in  succession,  but  that  valise  remained  obstinate. 

"  We  have  not  a  moment  to  lose,"  urged  my  wife. 

"And  not  a  moment  shall  be  lost,"  I  responded.  "  So, 
here  goes ! " 

The  lock  was  soon  broken. 

"  What  is  this  ?  "  I  exclaimed,  taking  out  a  diminutive 
white  garment,  heavily  embroidered. 

"  That,"  said  my  astonished  companion,  "  is  an  infant's 
long  dress  !  —  and  here  is  another,  and  another !  There 
are  four  of  them ! " 

"And  what  are  these?" 

"  Baby  clothes — more  baby  clothes !  Nothing  but  baby 
clothes ! " 

"And  what  is  the  meaning  of  all  this  ?  Surely,  I  did 
not  wear  these  things  at  our  wedding?" 

"  The  meaning  is,"  replied  Augusta,  her  voice  beginning 
to  tremble  with  the  mingled  emotions  of  anger  and  grief, 
"  you  have  committed  an  act  of  inexcusable  carelessness. 


OUR   FIRST   SUNDAY   AT   HOME. 


73 


Somewhere  between  Chicago  and  New  York  you  picked  up 
another  person's  valise  and  left  your  own." 

"  Now,  don't  be  too  hard  on  a  poor  fellow,"  I  pleaded. 
"  Is  it  not  barely  possible  that  it  was  the  other  person  who 
picked  up  my  valise  and  left  his?  Both  of  them  being 
new,  and  of  the  same  size  and  pattern,  the  mistake  might 
easily  occur ;  and  I,  for  one,  think  it  quite  proper  to  exer 
cise  charity  toward  him." 


"WHAT  ARE  THESE?" 


"JJow  we  cannnot  go  to  church,"  sadly  spoke  Augusta, 
"for  you  have  nothing  to  wear." 

"  True,"  I  replied ;  "  but  would  it  not  be  proper  to 
expend  a  part  of  our  sorrow  over  the  little  darling  for 
whom  these  new  white  robes  were  designed  ?  Who  shall 
say  that  he  or  she  may  not  find  himself  or  herself  in  this 
cold  world  with  nothing  to  wear — nothing  to  wear." 


74  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Nothing,  except  the  finest  suit  of  broadcloth  ever  made 
in  Chicago,"  ejaculated  my  companion,  showing  slight 
symptoms  of  exasperation. 

"  Never  mind,"  said  I.  "  It  is  some  comfort  to  know 
that  the  little  darling  will  not  go  into  a  fit  the  first  thing." 

"Promise  me  one  thing,"  urged  Augusta,  solemnly. 

"What  is  it,  my  dear?" 

"  That  hereafter,  for  my  sake  as  well  as  your  own,  you 
will  be  more  careful,  thoughtful,  and  systematic  in  every 
thing  you  do." 

"  Augusta,  dear,  you  know  not  what  you  ask.  My  whole 
nature  rebels  against  system.  In  everything  I  am  origi 
nal.  Take  music ;  when  I  utter  one  note  nobody  can  pos 
sibly  predict  what  note  will  follow.  My  life  is  interesting 
simply  because  it  is  rich  in  surprises.  It  is  a  river  which, 
having  left  its  muddy  channel,  is  on  its  way  to  glory  by 
cuts  of  its  own  making." 

"  Such  a  river,  as  a  river,  would  do  little  good  and  much 
harm,"  cruelly  remarked  my  wife. 

Then  we  discussed  that  point. 

Instead  of  going  to  church,  we  had  our  little  conference 
at  home.  In  justice  to  myself  I  feel  impelled  to  say,  that 
I  beat  my  good  wife  at  every  turn  in  the  argument.  Still, 
she  would  not  give  up.  It  was  not  natural  for  her  to  give 
up.  In  this  respect,  she  was  a  very  peculiar  woman. 

"  What  is  to  be  done  with  these  baby  garments  ? "  I 
inquired,  just  as  she  had  asked  me  for  the  seventh  time  if 
I  would  not  try  to  be  more  thoughtful  hereafter. 

She  suggested  that  we  present  them  to  the  orphan  asylum. 

"  No,"  I  answered ;  "  they  are  too  nice  for  a  charitable 
institution.  They  would  make  everything  else  in  the  house 
look  cheap  and  ugly  by  comparison." 


OUR   FIRST   SUNDAY   AT   HOME.  75 

"  Suppose,  then,  we  give  them  to  some  of  our  neighbors." 

"That  would  be  better,"  I  replied;  "only  they  might 
think  we  had  stolen  them." 

"  Then  why  not  sell  them  ?  Surely  we  need  the  money," 
urged  my  thrifty  companion. 

"  No,"  said  I.  "Those  goods  are  too  fine  to  be  sacrificed 
at  the  low  figure  to  be  obtained  from  an  old-clothes  specu 
lator.  Listen  to  me.  I  have  a  cool-headed  proposition  to 
make." 

"What  is  it?" 

"  We  will  keep  them." 

"  Nonsense !  "  said  Augusta. 

We  dropped  the  subject. 

Oh,  how  many  quarrels  might  be  avoided  if  husbands 
and  wives — especially  wives — would  learn  when  to  drop  the 
subject.  Social  intercourse  is  no  ground  on  which  to  fight 
for  victories.  No  sieges  should  be  laid  there.  He  is  the 
true  victor  who  first  gives  up.  To  surrender  gracefully  is 
the  height  of  courtesy  and  good  manners.  I  have  never 
seen  a  fly  that  I  could  not  rid  myself  of  by  a  day  or  two  of 
vigorous  warfare  against  him.  The  question  is,  does  it 
pay  to  do  so  much  for  such  a  small  result?  I  think  of 
this  when  I  am  tempted  to  talk  a  great  deal  for  the  purpose 
of  carrying  a  point. 

As  I  said,  Augusta  and  I  dropped  the  subject. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

A  FIRE  ESCAPE. 

WE  had  been  iii  New  York  three  months,  and  our 
affairs  were  in  pretty  good  shape.  The  Farmer's 
Guide  was  meeting  with  considerable  success,  although 
many  of  its  subscribers  regarded  my  most  laborious  edito 
rials  as  jokes,  and  my  best  jokes  as  conscientious  efforts  to 
be  solemn.  This  gave  me  little  trouble,  however,  so  long 
as  sufficient  money  came  in  to  keep  me  out  of  debt. 

At  this  time  we  received  a  letter  from  our  bridal  friends, 
Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell.  They  were  spending  the  summer  at 
Long  Branch,  and  sent  us  a  most  cordial  invitation  to  come 
to  their  hotel,  for  a  week's  visit,  as  their  guests. 

I  decided  at  once  that,  on  account  of  the  pressure  of  busi 
ness,  we  could  not  accept  the  invitation.  Augusta  decided 
—on  instinct,  of  course — that  we  could  accept  it.  This 
difference  of  decision  lead  to  a  quiet  little  talk,  in  which  the 
astonishing  fact  was  brought  out  that  my  wife  was  a  little 
lonesome,  with  threatening  indications  of  homesickness. 

Astonishing,  I  say ;  for  here  we  were  in  a  city  containing 
more  than  twelve  hundred  thousand  souls,  besides  having  a 
home  of  our  own.  Three  times  a  day  she  could  fondly  gaze 
on  me,  and,  moreover,  I  was  frequently  home  from  my  office 
as  early  as  eleven  o'clock  at  night. 

(76) 


A    FIRE   ESCAPE. 


77 


True,  the  rich  and  idle  were  accustomed  to  remain  at  the 
seashore,  or  on  a  mountain,  during  hot  weather ;  but  I  had 
provided  better  things  for  my  beloved,  inasmuch  as  she 
could  look  daily  on  the  ebb  and  flow  of  the  East  River, 
while  occupying  a  mountainous  elevation  on  the  fifth  story 
of  a  costly  pile. 

Still,  although  centered  in  these  mani 
fold  advan 
tages,  she 
had  allowed 
herself  to 
pine  just  a 
little.  She 
was  tired  of 
the  walls, 
she  said. 
This  deplor 
able  mani 
festation  of 
womanly 
infirmity 
surprised 
and  grieved 
me.  I  have 
no  patience 
with  imag 
inary  evils. 

So  we  continued  our  quiet  little 
talk,  and  the  upshot  of  it  was  that 
we  both  remained  bent  on  having 
our  own  way,  until,  at  last,  we  effected  a  compromise. 
She  would  go.     I  wouldn't.     She  went.     I  stayed. 


•s>  ice 

A  WATER  VIEW. 


78 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


That  night  I  walked  home  at  the  usual  hour,  intending  to 
lose  myself  in  my  accustomed  sound  sleep  and  pleasant 
dreams.  Will  you  believe  it,  everything  seemed  different  to 
me  the  moment  I  opened  the  door  of  our  lodgings.  The 
stillness  was  painful.  I  lighted  the  lamp,  sat  down  on  the 
edge  of  the  bed,  and  soon  found  myself  looking  abstractedly 
at  the  pictureless  walls  of  the  room.  In  less  than  two  min- 


ALONE. 


utes  I  was  heartily  tired  of  those  walls.  In  five  minutes  I 
hated  them.  What  my  wife  had  said  in  the  morning  now 
came  back  to  me  in  such  touching  plaintiveness  that  my 
heart  was  melted.  It  seemed  to  me  that  the  words  I  had 
spoken  to  her  must  have  been  quarried  from  an  iceberg ;  I 
began  to  fear  she  would  never  come  back.  In  that  case,  I 
soliloquized,  I  will  not  live  another  day. 


A    FIRE    ESCAPE. 


79 


I  got  into  bed,  but  not  to  sleep.  I  do  not  know  whether 
I  was  a  baby  or  a  fool ;  but  I  was  actually  afraid  of  the 
dark.  Almost  everything  I  looked  at  or  thought  of  made 
me  nervous. 

For  the  first  time  since  occupying  those  lofty  apartments 
I  got  to  worrying  about  the  possibility  of  a  fire  breaking  out 
in  some  of  the  lower 
stories,  and  cutting  off 
all  ways  of  escape.  Why 
such  a  thing  had  never 
occurred  to  me  in  the 
presence  of  my  wife  is  a 
psychological  problem 
which  I  don't  pretend  to 
be  able  to  solve. 

After  tossing  restlessly 
about  for  an  hour,  I  ac 
tually    thought    I    smelt 
smoke.     In  another  min 
ute   it   seemed  to  me  I 
heard  the  roar  of  flames 
on  one  of  the  lower  stair 
ways.    Then  came  sounds     ^^.^^sy^^^^^^^^^^^^ 
like  the  crackling  of  dry     '{^^^^^^-t^i^'^^S*"^'^      * 
wood  on  fire.  SMELLING  SMOKE. 

Perhaps  I  was  half  asleep  and  partially  dreaming.  No 
matter.  The  danger  was  sufficiently  real  to  bring  me  out 
of  bed  rather  quicker  than  I  had  ever  gotten  out  before. 
Rushing  to  the  door,  I  opened  it  and  stepped  into  the 
hall.  No  glaring  flames  or  clouds  of  smoke  greeting  me 
there,  I  hastened  down  all  the  stairs.  Having  satisfied 
myself  that  fancy  had  deluded  my  senses  I  retraced  my 


80 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


steps  till  I  reached  my  apartments,  when  I  discovered  that 
a  current  of  air  had  closed  the  door,  and  that  it  was  fast 
ened  by  the  spring  lock.  I  felt  for  my  latch  key,  which  I 
always  carried  in  my  pocket.  Unfortunately,  my  pocket 
was  in  my  pantaloons,  on  the  other  side  of  the  door. 

If  I  had  had  my  boots  on,  I  could  have  done  some  pretty 

effective  kicking,  and 
perhaps  broken  the  lock ; 
but  I  was  barefoot. 

It  occurred  to  me  that 
the  janitress  might  have 
a  duplicate  to  my  key. 
She  was  a  widow,  and 
occupied  a  little  bedroom 
at  the  end  of  the  hall. 
I  asked  myself  if  I  dared 
to  wake  her  up,  and  de 
cided  in  the  negative; 
but  after  walking  back 
an  forth  in  the  hall  for 
an  hour,  I  decided  in 
the  affirmative. 

"  Who  is  there  ? " 
cried  Widow  Tootle,  in 
response  to  my  knock, 
her  voice  indicating  that  she  was  frightened  half  to  death. 
I  never  had  the  happy  faculty  of  saying  just  the  right 
thing  at  the  right  moment,  especially  in  a  time  of  pressing 
emergency ;  so  I  answered — I  didn't  answer  anything ;  for 
just  then  I  heard  an  ominous  sound,  like  the  click  of  a 
pistol,  while  the  irate  janitress  hoarsely  screamed,  "  Leave 
that  door  this  instant,  or  I  will  shoot  you ! " 


AWAKING  THE   WIDOW. 


A    FIRE   ESCAPE. 


81 


I  went  away  disgusted. 

How  I  regretted  not  having  gone  to  Long  Branch.  I 
thought  of  starting  for  it  immediately,  but  there  were  two 
reasons  which  had  some  weight  in  preventing :  First,  there 
was  no  boat  or  train  going  out  at  that  time  of  night. 
Second,  I  had  nothing  to  wear. 

I  experienced  a  most  wretched  time,  waiting  for  daylight. 


A  BARRICADE. 


When,  at  last,  it  did  come,  I  began  to  realize  that  it  was 
not  what  I  wanted.  I  was  afraid  of  the  janitress. 

I  heard  footsteps  approaching.  A  happy  idea  struck  me. 
The  next  instant,  I  had  crept  into  a  corner  and  barricaded 
more  than  half  of  myself  behind  a  rubber  door-mat. 

The  intruder  was  not  the  janitress,  but  the  boy  who 
brought  the  morning  papers.  To  him  I  explained  the 


82  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

situation.  He  was  interested.  In  consideration  of  the 
promise  of  half  a  dollar,  he  agreed  to  neglect  his  important 
duties,  to  the  extent  of  interceding  with  Widow  Tootle  in 
my  behalf,  and  of  procuring  her  duplicate  key  to  niy  room. 

This  scheme  worked  satisfactorily. 

The  first  business  to  which  I  attended  that  day,  after 
eating  my  breakfast,  was  the  purchase  of  a  large  coil  of 
rope,  which  I  ordered  to  be  placed  under  the  head  of  my 
bed,  to  be  used,  in  connection  with  the  window,  for  a  fire- 
escape,  in  case  of  need. 

It  might  be  said  that  this  foresight  was  providential, 
for  that  very  night  I  was  aroused  from  sleep  by  an  alarm 
of  fire  which  left  no  room  for  the  play  of  imagination. 
The  very  building  which  I  occupied  was  actually  on  fire. 

As  I  looked  out  of  the  window  and  saw  bright  sparks 
madly  whirling  in  the  air,  and  a  great  volume  of  smoke 
curling  above  my  head,  my  heart  almost  ceased  to  beat. 

Only  one  thought  possessed  me.  The  rope.  In  less  than 
a  minute  I  had  tied  one  end  of  it  around  the  radiator,  and 
thrown  the  other  end  out  the  window.  Then  I  began  to  go 
down,  hand  over  hand.  Before  I  was  half  way  to  the 
ground  my  strength  was  so  much  exhausted  that  I  could 
do  nothing  but  grasp  the  rope  as  firmly  as  possible  and  let 
myself  slide. 

The  objection  to  this  process  was  that  it  left  scarcely  a 
vestige  of  skin  on  the  inside  of  my  hands.  It  seemed  as 
though  my  arms  would  be  pulled  from  their  sockets.  At 
last  I  fell.  Happily,  however,  the  distance  was  not  great, 
and  happily,  too,  I  had  the  good  fortune  to  break  my  fall  by 
landing  on  the  head  of  a  policeman.  He  was  indignant 
beyond  all  reason,  and  threatened  to  arrest  me  for  assault 
and  battery. 


A   FIRE  ESCAPE. 


83 


"Why  didn't  you  come  down  the  stairs?  "he  muttered, 
feeling  of  a  bump  behind 
his  ear  about  the  size  of 
a  goose  egg. 

I  maintained  a  digni 
fied  silence. 

The  fact  is,  I  had  not 
thought  of  the  possibil 
ity  of  getting  down  stairs. 
"The  fire  is  all  out, 
now,"  said  one  of  the 
men.  "  No  harm  is  done, 
except  to  a  few  boards 
on  the  roof,  and  the  loss 
of  the  tar  which  covered 
the  tin." 

The  next  day,  with 
both  hands  heavily  ban 
daged,  I  started  for  Long 
Branch.  Started — that  is 
all — for  at  the  street  door 
whom  did  I  meet  but  my 
dearly  beloved  wife. 

"Why  did  you  come 
home  so  soon?"  I  in 
quired. 

"  I  was  lonesome  with 
out    you,"    she    replied. 
"But,  dear  me,  what  is 
the    matter    with     your 
hands?" 
I  explained. 
My    dear    wife    could  ASSAULT  AND  BATTERY. 


84 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL    OF    A    HUSBAND. 


not  half  laugh  for  crying,  and  could  not  half  cry  for 
laughing. 

We  mutually  declared  we  had  never  before  loved  each 
other  so  devotedly  as  we  did  then. 

"  Next  time  we  will  both  go,"  said  I. 


STARTING  FOR  LONG  BRANCH. 

"  Or  both  stay,"  said  she. 

Sometimes  we  do  not  know  how  much  we  love  our  dear 
ones  until  we  are  parted  from  them.  The  heart  needs  its 
seasons  of  fasting  as  well  as  the  stomach.  By  being  with 
each  other  continually,  our  affection  has  no  time  to  settle 
down  into  a  mold  and  take  permanent  shape.  Let  a  body 


A    FIRE    ESCAPE.  85 

of  water  once  clarify,  we  can  see  all  that  there  is  in  it. 
The  soul  must  not  be  too  constantly  agitated,  even  with  the 
sacred  humor  of  love.  Give  it  Lent  and  the  Good  Fridays. 
Let  it  rest  betimes,  feeling  nothing  and  cherishing  no  one, 
until  it  is  half  starved.  Then  it  is  that  the  soul  can  be 
looked  into  so  clearly,  that  its  infinite  wealth  of  affection  is 
revealed. 

Now  is  it  not  singular  that  Augusta  does  not  agree  with 
me  even  in  this  ?  I  verily  believe  she  wants  to  be  loved  all 
the  time — every  day  of  every  season — and  then  she  would 
not  care  if  each  day  was  as  a  thousand  years. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

A  LEGACY. 

ABOUT  the  first  of  December  I  received  a  telegraphic 
message  from  Chicago  containing  glorious  news ;  my 
wife's  uncle,  reputed  to  have  been  worth  two  million  of 
dollars,  had  just  died.  I  use  the  word  "  glorious  "  advisedly, 
because  the  message  itself  asserted  that  he  had  "gone  to 
glory." 

We  had  expected  a  considerable  present  from  him  on  the 
day  of  our*wedding,  but  our  expectations  were  not  realized, 
though  he  assured  us  at  the  time  that  he  had  already 
remembered  us  very  generously  in  his  will.  And  very 
generously  we  remembered  these  words  when  the  news  came 
of  his  death. 

"  Now  Augusta,"  I  said,  "  we  will  start  life  anew.  Your 
health  is  delicate,  and  therefore  you  need  the  most  favor 
able  surroundings  that  can  be  afforded." 

"  What  do  you  propose  ?  "  she  inquired. 

"That  we  leave  these  miserable  rooms  on  high  and  go 
down  to  earth  to  live." 

"  Can  we  do  any  better,  in  our  circumstances  ? "  asked 
Augusta. 

"This  telegram  guarantees  a  great  improvement  in  our 
circumstances,"  I  replied. 

(86) 


A   LEGACY. 


87 


"  I  think  we  had  better  wait  until  we  ascertain  fully  what 
disposition  my  dear  uncle  has  made  of  his  property," 
remarked  Augusta. 

But  I  could  not  wait.  It  is  not  my  nature  to  wait. 
Before  that  day's  sun  went  down  I  had  rented  a  good  two- 
story  house  on  Bleecker  Street.  From  the  proceeds  of  The 
Farmer's  Guide,  I  was  able  to  pay  a  month's  rent  in 


CHRISTINE. 


advance,  and  buy  an  oil  painting,  which  I  got  cheap  for 
fifty  dollars. 

What  astonished  Augusta  more  than  anything  else  was 
that  I  hired  a  girl  to  do  the  housework.  She  was  a  young 
and  pretty  Swede.  Her  name  was  Christine. 

My  wife  did  not  say  much,  but  rather  intimated  that  she 
should  have  preferred  making  the  selection  of  housemaid 
herself.  Women  are  queer  about  some  things.  I  really  did 
6 


88 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


the  best  I  could,  and  picked  out  the  very  handsomest  girl 
there  was  at  the  headquarters  of  the  Labor  Bureau,  and  still 
my  wife  was  not  wholly  satisfied. 

We  had  just  got  settled  in  our  new  home,  when  a  letter 
came  from  the  executor  of  Uncle  Jake's  will.     He  said  that 


EXPRESS  CHARGES. 

the  deceased  had  left  to  us  his  entire  library,  consisting  of 
over  two  hundred  volumes.  , 

Now  I  happened  to  know  something  about  that  library. 
Uncle  Jake  had  inherited  it  from  his  father,  who  was  a 
clergyman ;  and  a  drier  lot  of  theological  literature  never 
encumbered  shelves  than  were  those  wretched  old  books. 

I  advised  Augusta  not  to  accept  her  valuable  legacy,  but 


A   LEGACY.  ,        89 

to  give  instructions  to  have  the  books  burned,  in  order  that 
they  might  furnish  the  only  light  of  which  they  were  capable, 
and  by  whose  rays  the  testator  might  succeed  in  reaching 
the  far  off  glory,  to  which,  by  way  of  courtesy,  he  had  been 
consigned  by  telegraph,  at  three  cents  a  word. 

Augusta  reproved  me  for  making  light  of  so  serious  a 
matter.  But  I  was  not  reconciled.  I  called  to  mind  the 
many  goods  I  had  ordered,  on  the  strength  of  money,  which, 
as  I  told  the  merchants,  was  coming  from  Chicago. 

My  wife  insisted  on  receiving  the  books,  so  I  telegraphed 
at  night  rates,  "  send  them  on." 

They  were  sent  by  express  at  my  expense,  and  the  bill 
amounted  to  thirty-six  dollars  and  eighteen  cents. 

I  tried  to  leave  the  books  on  the  hands  of  the  Express 
Company  to  cover  their  charges,  but  my  proposal  was 
scorned — as  it  ought  to  have  been.  The  express  agent 
finally  consented,  out  of  the  goodness  of  his  heart,  to  give 
me  time  to  turn  around  before  compelling  me  to  pay  the 
money  and  take  the  goods. 

All  this  tribulation,  however,  was  as  nothing  compared 
with  the  trouble  that  some  of  those  books  afterwards 
brought  upon  us. 

The  troubles  growing  out  of  the  possession  of  property, 
compared  with  the  blessings,  are  as  the  weeds  which  grow 
out  of  the  ground  compared  with  the  corn.  To  become 
miserly  is  to  feel  poor  to  the  extent  of  everything  we  have 
not  yet  acquired. 

Augusta  herself  unconsciously  condemned  her  departed 
uncle  by  quoting  approvingly  from  the  Koran:  "When  a 
man  dies,  they  who  survive  him  ask  what  property  he  has 
left  behind.  The  angel  who  bends  over  the  dying  man, 
asks  what  good  deeds  he  has  sent  before  him." 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

CHAMPAGNE  IN  THE  WRONG  PLACE. 

A  WEEK  before  the  holidays,  a  letter  came  from  our 
dear  friends,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell,  saying  that  they 
were  coming  to  the  city  to  spend  the  winter,  and  that,  if 
convenient  to  us,   they  would   pay   us  a  visit   Christmas 
evening. 

This  put  us — me,  at  least — in  something  of  a  flurry.  I 
knew  I  was  poor,  but  I  was  anxious  to  keep  up  appearances, 
especially  before  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell.  I  answered  their 
letter  immediately,  telling  them  we  should  be  more  than 
pleased  to  see  them  at  the  appointed  time. 

Mrs.  Berkeley  suggested  that  we  should  provide  a  few 
simple  refreshments  for  the  occasion. 

"  What  shall  we  get  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Oh,  something  inexpensive." 

"Cake?"  I  said. 

"  Cake  and  lemonade,"  said  she. 

That  day  I  bought  the  lemons ;  but  they  were  so  cheap, 
that  it  seemed  as  though  I  wa$  doing  a  very  small  thing  in 
not  exhibiting  more  liberality  toward  one  who  had  extri 
cated  me  from  a  sand-bank. 

The  idea  struck  me  that  I  might  as  well  get  something 
that  would  surprise  my  wife,  and,  at  the  same  time,  do 
justice  to  my  own  grateful  feelings. 

(90) 


CHAMPAGNE   IN   THE  WRONG   PLACE.  91 

The  idea  grew  on  me.  There  is  a  particular  class  of 
ideas  that  always  do  grow  on  me  with  astounding  rapidity, 
whenever  they  happen  to  get  once  started  in  my  fertile 
brain.  This  was  one  of  that  class.  At  first,  it  presented 
itself  as  a  bottle  of  cheap  wine ;  then  a  bottle  of  medium- 
priced  wine ;  then  a  bottle  of  high-priced  wine ;  then  two 
bottles  ;  then  three  ;  and  the  end  of  it  was  that  I  bought  a 
whole  case  of  the  best  champagne  there  was  in  the  store. 
In  order  to  pay  twenty-eight  dollars  for  it,  I  had  to  pawn 
my  gold  watch. 

My  wife  was  surprised.  In  her  impulsiveness,  she  talked 
•to  me  much  as  though  I  was  a  born  fool,  instead  of  being 
her  legal  lord,  and  the  editor-in-chief  of  The  Farmers' 
Guide. 

I  assured  her  that  her  head  was  aching,  and  that  there 
fore  I  could  generously  overlook  the  somewhat  unfavorable 
conclusions  to  which  her  invalid  condition  had  unfortu 
nately  given  rise  in  her  perturbed  mind. 

Then  her  mind  was  perturbed. 

The  more  I  said,  the  more  impulsive  she  became. 

What  made  the  matter  worse,  in  her  estimation,  was  that, 
on  the  Sunday  previous,  we  had  rented  a  pew  in  one  of  the 
"  down- town  "  churches.  (It  was  about  the  only  thing  we 
could  get  "  on  time.")  And  the  minister,  the  Rev.  Saul 
Shepherdskin,  who  had  called  at  our  house  the  very  next 
day,  in  conversation  with  Mrs.  Berkeley,  had  expressed 
himself  in  most  emphatic  terms  against  the  use  of  intoxi 
cating  beverages.  The  proud  woman  had  assured  the  man 
of  total  abstinence  principles  that  her  husband  never  drank 
anything  stronger  than  tea,  and  would  not,  on  any  consid 
eration,  lend  encouragement  to  the  terrible  vice  of  intem 
perance. 


92 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A    HUSBAND. 


To  which  the  minister  had  solemnly  replied : 
"  Amen." 

"  Now,  Augusta,"  said  I, "  you  have  no  right  to  allow  the 
parson's  conscientious  scruples  to  worry  you.  He  shall 
never  know  that  we  have  had  champagne  in  the  house ;  for 
I  ordered  the  wine-merchant  not  to  send  it  here  till  he  had 
taken  the  twelve  bottles  out  of  the  case,  and  wrapped  them 

up  in  such  shape  that 
no  one  would  have  a 
suspicion  of  the  con 
tents." 

To  this  my  wife  an 
swered  energetically, 
that  she  could  have  but 
little  respect  for  one 
who  would  sneak  be 
hind  a  petty  deception 
to  hide  his  shamefaced 
conduct  from  the 
world. 

I  did  not  exactly  like 
that  way  of  arguing; 
so  I  told  her  again  that 
she  had  a  dangerous 
headache. 

From  this,  we  fell  into  a  quiet  little  talk  of  one  or  two 
hours'  duration.  Finally,  my  wife  yielded  to  my  cool,  calm 
level-headedness,  as  she  always  yields  to  the  inevitable. 
Her  heart  is  too  full  of  love  to  hold  out  forever  against  any 
thing.  But  as  to  her  opinions,  I  don't  think  she  ever 
changes  them.  In  that  respect  she  is  a  very  peculiar 
woman. 


IUiV.    SIIEP1LEKDSKIN. 


CHAMPAGNE   IN   THE   WRONG   PLACE.  93 

As  Christmas  drew  near,  my  excellent  wife  was  fully  her 
self  again,  filling  the  house  with  an  air  of  joy.  She  even 
went  so  far  as  to  purchase,  with  a  little  money  of  her  own, 
a  very  pretty  set  of  champagne  glasses ;  "  for,"  said  she,  "  it 
will  not  be  quite  proper  for  our  company  to  drink  out  of  the 
bottles." 

The  evening  came. 

So  did  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell. 

We  had  a  jolly  time. 

I  requested  Mrs.  Berkeley  to  bring  on  the  cake  and  wine. 

The  cake  she  brought,  but  reported  that  the  wine  could 
not  be  found. 

"  It  is  in  that  square  bundle  under  the  library  table,"  I 
whispered  in  her  ear. 

She  went  to  the  library,  but  returned  in  a  minute,  saying: 

"  It  is  not  there." 

Asking  my  guests  to  excuse  me,  I  went  on  a  hunting 
expedition  for  the  missing  property.  It  continued  to  be 
missing.  I  looked  high  and  low,  through  every  room  in  the 
house ;  but  in  vain.  I  summoned  Christine,  and  demanded 
of  her  where  she  had  put  the  square  bundle  that  had  been 
in  the  library.  She  declared  she  had  not  entered  the  library 
for  a  week,  and  had  never  seen  any  bundle  there,  and  knew 
nothing  about  it.  I  believed  her.  She  was  my  own  selec 
tion.  My  wife  gave  her  a  penetrating  look,  but  allowed  no 
penetrating  word  to  escape  her  lips.  My  wife  was  a  jewel 
of  inconsistency.  Although  she  had  been  so  strongly 
opposed  to  that  champagne  in  the  first  place,  yet  now  that 
it  was  gone,  and  her  beautiful  glasses  must  remain  unfilled, 
she  was  as  bitterly  disappointed  as  myself. 

Who  can  understand  woman ! 

During  the  remainder  of  the  evening  our  spirits  didn't 
freely  flow.  We  had  rather  a  dry  time. 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


At  the  proper  hour,  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jewell  took  their 
departure. 

Mrs.  Berkeley  and  I  again  thoroughly  ransacked  the 
house  for  the  lost  treasure,  and  then  sat  down,  fully  deter 
mined  to  solve  the  mystery  of  its  disappearance. 

"  This  is  a  joke  on 
us,"  I  began,  making 
an  effort  to  smile. 


THE   SEARCH. 


"  It  is  a  joke  which  I  hope  the  Reverend  Shepherdskin 
will  never  hear  of,"  answered  Augusta. 

"  I  think  we  have  nothing  to  fear  from  him,"  said  I,  "for 
I  carried  him  a  fine  lot  of  books  last  evening  for  a  Christ 
mas  present." 

"What  books?" 

"  Oh,  Clarke's  Commentary,  Barnes'  Notes,  Scott's  Bible, 
Campbell's  Gospels,  Macknight  on  the  Epistles,  and  several 
others,  I  don't  know  what  all." 


CHAMPAGNE   IN    THE   WRONG   PLACE. 


95 


"Did  you  say  you  carried  them  to  him?"  asked  Augusta. 

"  Yes  ;  I  did  them  up  in  a  bundle,  and  then  waited  till 
after  dark,  so  that  people  would  not  know  I  was  my  own 
carrier,  and  then  took  the  package  to  him  myself." 

"It  is  very  strange,"  said  Augusta,  "but  just  before  dark, 
last  evening,  I  found  a  package  in  the  library  containing 
just  such  books  as  you 
mention ;  and,  thinking 
the  package  had  not 
been  undone  since  it 
came  from  Chicago,  I 
took  out  the  books,  and 
put  them  on  the 
shelves,  where  they  still 
remain." 

"Then  what  did  I 
take  to  the  minister?" 
I  inquired ;  but  the  next 
instant  we  both  sprang 
to  our  feet,  and  ex 
claimed  : 

"THE  WINE!" 

"What  did  you  say 
to  him  ?  "  inquired  my 
wife,  the  moment  her 
subsiding  emotion  al 
lowed  her  to  speak  audibly. 

"  I  said,  '  Rev.  Mr.  Shepherdskin,  my  wife  sends  her  com 
pliments,  and  begs  you  to  accept  this  little  token  of  her 
regard,  not  for  its  intrinsic  worth,  but  for  its  spirit.  She 
has  often  spoken  of  your  eloquent  sermons,  and  has  given  it 
as  her  opinion  that  they  could  not  have  been  prepared  with- 


HOW  IT  WAS  DONE. 


96 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


out  the  aid  of  just  such  inspiration  as  you  will  find  in  this 
Christmas  present.  Good  night.' " 

"  How  could  you  have  said  that  ? "  groaned  my  wife. 

"  Easily  enough,  my  dear.  I  spent  a  whole  hour  compos 
ing  it  and  committing  it  to  memory." 

Augusta  was  too  full  for  utterance. 

There  was  silence  in  our  house  for  the  space  of  a  minute ; 


THE   DELIVERY. 


when  I  made  bold  to  remark,  that  "  if  I  had  been  consulted, 
as  I  ought  to  have  been,  before  the  package  in  the  library 
was  undone,  and  the  books  it  contained  replaced  on  the 
shelves,  the  disgraceful  mistake  would  not  have  occurred." 

At  this,  my  wife's  power  of  speech  returned. 

"  If  /had  been  consulted,"  said  she, "  as  any  man  of  sense 


CHAMPAGNE   IN   THE   WRONG    PLACE.  97 

• 

would  know  I  should  have  been,  concerning  the  disposition 
of  my  own  books,  you  would  not  have  had  the  opportunity 
to  disgrace  both  of  us  before  the  world.  I  can  never  again 
look  the  Reverend  Shepherdskin  in  the  face,  and  it  is  all 
your  fault." 

I  do  not  think  that  anything  I  could  have  said  would  have 
made  Augusta  acknowledge  that  the  blame  lay  at  her  door. 
She  was  in  no  condition  to  listen  patiently  to  anything  I 
might  say  in  that  direction;  so  I  simply  inquired,  in  a 
kindly  and  solicitous  manner,  after  her  health,  and  sug 
gested  that  she  possibly  might  need  the  doctor. 

She  was  so  discourteous  as  to  make  no  reply,  and  I  am 
sorry  to  state  that  on  other  and  similar  occasions  she  had 
been  guilty  of  this  same  incivility. 

We  did  not  attend  church  the  next  Sunday,  and  our 
absence  must  have  been  noted  by  the  minister,  for  early 
Monday  afternoon  he  called  on  my  wife. 

She  received  him  with  downcast  countenance,  and  began 
at  once  to  stammer  an  apology,  which  must  have  been  very 
chaotic,  for  she  had  no  intention  of  telling  the  whole  truth 
concerning  our  wine  transaction. 

"  My  dear  Mrs.  Berkeley,"  broke  in  the  clergyman,  "  you 
couldn't  have  sent  me  a  Christmas  present  that  would  have 
been  more  acceptable  than  that  delicious  medicine.  It  is 
just  what  I  needed.  At  first,  I  was  slightly  shocked, 
remembering  that  I  have  a  reputation  to  sustain,  which  is 
dearer  to  me  than  the  apple  of  mine  eye ;  but,  on  reflection, 
I  saw  that  you  were  a  remarkably  discreet  woman,  and  had 
made  careful  provision  for  my  protection.  The  manner  in 
which  the  medicine  was  done  up  was  well  calculated  to 
deceive  the  wicked  eyes  of  a  scandal-loving  world,  while  the 
•caution  which  prompted  you  to  place  the  package  in  no 


98 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


other  hands  than  those  of  your  faithful  husband,  and  not 
even  in  his  until  after  dark,  proved  to  me  conclusively  that 
you  are  an  adept  in  cunning  expediency.  My  dear  Mrs. 
Berkeley,"  he  continued,  "  still  holding  her  hand  with  firm 
grasp,  "  in  what  way  can  I  ever  sufficiently  show  my  grati- 


A  PASTORAL   CALL. 


tude  for  your  generous  and  ingenious  conduct  ?  Besides 
being  a  Christian,  you  are  evidently  a  clever  woman  of  the 
world,  which  is  a  most  happy  combination,  at  least,  in  the 
opinion  of  every  wise  and  politic  man.  Now,  my  dear,  good 
woman,  since  we  so  happily  understand  each  other,  we  can 


CHAMPAGNE   IN   THE   WKONG   PLACE.  99 

henceforth  laugh  at  society,  which  must  be  content  to 
remain  in  ignorance  of  our  mutual  secret." 

" I  think  I  understand  you"  replied  Augusta,  her  face  all 
aglow  with  indignation. 

It  was  the  minister's  turn  to  be  confused. 

"  What  do  you  mean  ?  "  said  he. 

"  I  mean  that  you  have  so  far  fallen  in  my  estimation 
that  I  shall  never  have  any  respect  for  you  again,  and  I 
want  you  to  take  your  departure  as  quickly  as  convenient." 

The  crestfallen  Shepherdskin  went  away,  wondering  more 
than  ever  how  he  happened  to  get  the  present  of  that  wine  ; 
and  especially  wondering  how  it  happened  to  come  from 
Mrs.  Berkeley,  who  had  turned  out  to  be  quite  a  different 
woman  from  what  he  had  been  led  to  suppose. 

A  week  later  there  was  a  wedding  in  Mr.  Shepherdskin's 
church,  and  Mr.  Shepherdskin  was  expected  to  officiate. 
To  what  extent  that  expectation  was  realized,  may  be  best 
ascertained  by  reference  to  the  city  newspapers  of  next 
day's  issue,  where  the  head-lines  were  as  follows : 

CLERICAL  DRUNKENNESS! 

A  WEDDING  IN  HIGH  LIFE  BROUGHT  Low  BY  THE  MAUD 
LIN  TALK  OF  THE  REV.  SAUL  SHEPHERDSKIN  WHILE 
IN  A  STATE  OF  INTOXICATION. 

Then  followed  two  or  three  solid  columns  of  what  New 
Yorkers  called  "  mighty  interesting  reading." 

My  wife  was  in  mental  agony,  predicting  that  Shepherd- 
skin  would  be  tried  by  a  church  council,  and  then  it  would 
come  out  where  he  had  obtained  his  wine. 

She  was  right  about  it. 

But  Shepherdskin  was  acquitted  of  any  guilt  in  the 
matter. 


100 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


The  members  of  his  church,  with  the  exception  of  the 
immediate  friends  of  the  bride  and  groom  whom  he  had 
attempted  to  marry,  stood  by  him  to  the  last.  The  acquittal, 
however,  was  not  secured  until  the  church  over  which  he 
had  ministered  was  so  torn  and  dismembered  that  no  twelve 


TOO  MUCH  MEDICINE. 

baskets  which  were  ever  made  could  have  begun  to  hold  the 
fragments.  The  verdict  of  "innocent"  seems  to  have  been 
rendered  on  the  ground  of  mistaken  identity.  That  is  to 
say,  the  parson  had  innocently  swallowed  the  champagne, 
thinking  it  was  harmless  medicine.  His  friends  concluded 


CHAMPAGNE   IN    THE    WRONG    PLACE. 


101 


unanimously  that  no  one  was  in  the  least  to  blame  in  the 
matter  except  "  that  unchristian  woman 
who  had  most  shamefully  and  wickedly 
taken  advantage  of  the  holy  man,  by  send 
ing  him,  on  pretence  of  friendship,  a  most 
vile  and  poisonous  decoction." 

One  day,  a  delegation  of  six  of  the 
est-looking  women  I  ever  set  eyes  on 
on     Augusta,    and,    after     unroll- 
lengthy  paper,  stated  that  they  had 
to  urge  her,  in  view  of  the  late  un- 
antness  which  her  loose 
habits  had  caused,  to  sign 
nence  pledge, 
rich,  considering  that  my 
know  the  taste  of  one  kind 
another. 

patiently    to    all 
they     began     to 


principles  and 
a  total  absti- 

This  was 
wife  did  not 
of  liquor  from 

She  listened 


they  had  to  say,  until 
shower  their  praises  on 
man,  whose  sufferings, 
wrong    that    had  been 
put    upon    him,  would 
ry  him  to   the  grave."      I  was 
kitchen,   where    I    could    hear 
word,  and  I  should  have  rushed 
sitting-room  and  confronted  the 
visitors,  for  the  purpose  of  de 
fending  my  wife,  had  it  not  been  that  I 
felt  largely  confident  that  she  could  de 
fend  herself.     This  is  the  way  she  did  it : 
"Ladies,"  said  she,  "  I  thank  you  for 


"  that  dear,  good 
on  account  of  the 
cruelly 
yet  ear- 
in  the 
every 


102 


MY   WIFE  S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


your  solicitation  on  my  behalf ;  but,  really,  I  do  not  feel  tbe 
need  of  the  reformation  which  you  urge.  As  to  the  irre 
parable  mischief  of  which  you  seem  to  think  I  have  been 
guilty,  I  feel  that  I  have  done  nothing  worse  than  to  expose 
to  the  unprejudiced  world  a  canting  hypocrite.  Those  do 


BEHIND  THE  DOOR. 

the  greatest  wrong  who  are  determined  to  see  no  wrong  in 
one  whose  questionable  compliments  they  have  freely  allowed 
themselves  to  receive." 

The  delegation  blushed. 

"  I  do  not  know  what  you  are  hinting  at,"  returned  one  of 
them. 


CHAMPAGNE  IN  THE  WRONG  PLACE. 

"  "We  have  heard,"  said  another,  "  that  you  yourself  are 
not  responsible  for  the  sending  of  that  horrid  champagne  to 
our  dear  minister,  but  that  it  was  wholly  the  fault  of  your 
husband.  We  hope,  for  your  sake,  that  the  report  is  true, 
and,  in  that  case,  we  wish  to  see  Mr.  Berkeley,  and  labor 
with  him,  that  he  may  be  saved  ere  it  is  too  late." 

"You  cannot  improve  my  worthy  husband  one  iota," 
answered  Augusta,  with  considerable  spirit.  "If  August 
could  have  had  his  way,  and  if  I  had  not  interfered  with  his 
arrangements,  your  minister  would  not  have  received  the 
expensive  gift,  which  he  was  glad  enough  to  retain,  when  it 
was  his  duty,  as  a  man  of  honor,  either  to  return  it,  or  to 
demand  an  explanation." 

"  Oh,  how  I  loved  my  wife,  and  how  astonished  I  was  to 
hear  her  taking  all  the  blame  to  herself,  and  making  me  out 
an  unblemished  angel.  I  remembered  the  night  when  I 
tried  to  prove  that  very  position  to  her,  and  how  unkindly 
she  took  it.  Would  she  admit  to  my  face  that  I  was  blame 
less  ?  Not  at  all.  She  would  see  me  blamed  first.  In  this 
respect  she  was  a  very  peculiar  woman. 

Still,  when  I  heard  her  laying  claim  to  all  the  wrong  that 
had  been  committed,  I  felt  ashamed  of  myself.  I  did  not 
want  it  to  go  that  way.  I  wonder  if  man.  mighty  man,  is 
ever  inconsistent. 

Here  I  was  in  possession  of  the  very  thing  I  had  contended 
for,  and  a  more  unsatisfactory  thing  could  not  be  con 
ceived  of. 

I  waited  impatiently  for  those  women  to  go  away,  and  then 
I  went  into  the  sitting-room,  apparently  from  out-doors,  and, 
without  unnecessary  delay,  took  my  wife  in  my  arms,  and 
kissed  her  more  than  twenty  times,  assuring  her  between 


104 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


times,  right  out  of  my  heart  of  hearts,  that  she  never  did  a 
wrong  thing  in  her  life. 

She  was  astonished. 

Sometimes  I  think  love  is  folly ;  but  when  I  get  right  into 
the  heart  of  my  wife,  and  she  into  mine,  there  is  no  heaven 
I  desire  beside.  Perhaps  the  little  playful  roots  of  an  apple 


AFTER  THE   STORM. 


tree  think  they  are  self-sufficient.  But  what  would  they  be 
if  the  sun  were  to  refuse  to  shine?  Although  unseen  by 
them,  it  is  still  a  constant  necessity  of  their  existence. 
What  sunlight  is  to  subterranean  life,  woman's  love  is  to 
the  dark  and  groveling  soul  of  man. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

PATENT  GLAZING  FLUID. 

AS  I  came  out  of  my  office  one  day,  I  found  a  man  on 
the  sidewalk  whose  glib  tongue  was  attracting  a  large 
number  of  people.     He   had   something  to  sell    which   he 
claimed  was  the  most  useful  article  and  the  most  important 
discovery  that  had  ever  been  made. 

I  am  always  interested  in  every  new  manifestation  of 
genius,  art,  or  progress ;  so  I  stopped  to  ascertain  what  the 
wonder  might  be.  "  Prof.  Edam's  Glazing  Fluid,"  was 
what  the  peddler  called  it,  and  he  was  giving  exhibitions  of 
the  marvels  which  could  be  wrought  with  it. 

"  The  peculiarity  of  this  remarkable  article,"  said  he, 
"  consists  in  its  being  able  to  give  the  appearance  of  new 
ness  to  everything  which  is  covered  with  it.  While  it  is 
itself  colorless,  it  never  fails  to  bring  out  the  coloring  of 
other  objects  to  the  best  advantage.  But,  ladies  and  gentle 
men,  this  is  its  least  merit.  It  makes  everything  absolutely 
water-proof  to  which  it  is  applied.  Here,  for  instance,  is 
my  coat,  you  notice  what  a  beautiful  gloss  it  has.  That  is 
given  wholly  by  the  Glazing  Fluid.  Before  the  fluid  was 
put  on,  my  coat  was  so  faded  and  shabby  in  appearance  that 
I  was  ashamed  of  it ;  but  afterwards  I  proudly  wore  it  to 
the  President's  reception,  and  it  was  the  best  looking  piece 
of  goods  in  the  capitol  of  our  nation. 

(105) 


106 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


"  Observe  now  what  I  do  with  this  coat.  I  dip  it  into  a 
bucket  of  dirty  water.  Here  it  goes.  Watch  me  now,  I 
take  it  out  of  the  water  and  give  it  a  few  vigorous  shakes. 
Very  good.  The  coat  is  as  dry  and  clean  as  it  was  before 
the  experiment  was  tried.  Examine  it  for  yourselves,  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  in  order  that  you  may  be  convinced  that 

there  is  no  deception. 

It  is  the  best  protection  for 
paint  that  ever 
was  invented. 
Put  a  coat  of  it 
on  your  furni 
ture  and  it  will 
never  need  re- 


WATCH  ME  NOW!" 


painting.  In  the  western  part  of  this  State,  it  is  being 
applied  to  houses  and  barns  as  soon  as  they  are  built,  before 
they  are  painted  at  all.  What  is  the  result  ?  The  build 
ings  thus  treated  never  look  old.  The  boards  and  shingles 
never  change  color.  The  nails  in  them  never  rust.  The 
roofs  never  leak. 

"  Still,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  have  not  yet  begun  to  tell 
all  the  marvels  of  which  this  invaluable  fluid  is  capable. 
The  tedious  and  old-fashioned  process  of  washing  clothes 


PATENT   GLAZING    FLUID. 


107 


is  made  entirely  unnecessary  by  the  use  of  this  Glazing 
Fluid.  A  man  may  work  on  a  farm  all  the  week,  and  on 
Saturday  night  while  on  his  way  to  his  happy  family,  stop 
at  the  brook  and  renovate  his  own  garments  in  two  or  three 
minutes  so  they  will  be  ready  for  Sunday. 

"  Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  you  will  naturally  conclude 
that  we  do  not  sell  this  transcendent  article  for  less  than  one 


SATURDAY  NIGHT  BATH. 


hundred  dollars  a  bottle.  It  would  be  equivalent  to  giving 
it  away,  even  if  that  were  the  price.  In  every  bottle  there 
is  the  saving  of  a  fortune ;  yet  for  the  sake  of  introducing 
this  undisguised  blessing  to  the  citizens  of  New  York,  I 
shall  sell  it  for  a  short  time  only,  at  the  insignificant  rate  of 
two  dollars  and  fifty  cents  a  bottle." 


108 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF  A   HUSBAND. 


The  idea  struck  me  that  I  would  get  a  bottle.  The  idea 
grew  on  me.  I  might  never  have  another  opportunity  to 
purchase  it  for  a  price  so  near  to  nothing.  I  would  get  two 
bottles,  three  bottles.  Come  to  think  of  it,  I  had  just 
received  ten  dollars  on  account  of  The  Farmer's  Guide,  and 
although  I  had  intended  to  give  it  to  Augusta  to  buy  what 
she  called  "  necessities  "  with, 
I  might  just  as  well  spend  it 
for  four  bottles  of  this  rare 
and  inestimable  compound, 
and  astonish  my  dear  wife. 


8KB  NEEDED  THE  PEDDLER. 

So  I  emptied  my  purse  and  closed  the  bargain. 

The  effect  on  Augusta  was  considerable,  although  not 
exactly  in  accordance  with  what  I  had  fondly  anticipated. 
I  utterly  failed  to  inspire  her  breast  with  the  needful  enthu 
siasm  concerning  the  unsurpassed  merits  of  my  new  invest 
ment.  She  needed  the  peddler  himself  to  talk  to  her.  I 


PATENT  GLAZING   FLUID. 


109 


believe  he  could  have  moved  and  melted  the  snow-bank  in 
her  soul. 

However,  I  succeeded  at  last  in  interesting  her.  I  showed 
her  how  cloth  could  be  glazed  and  made  perfectly  water 
proof  by  a  single  application  of  the  fluid. 

"  That  is  very  well,"  said  she', "  as 
far  as  it  goes, 
but  you  will 
find  that  there 
is  something 
wrong  with  the  stuff." 

"  You  are  blindly  pre 
judiced,"  I  replied. 

"  I    am    prejudiced," 
said  she, "  against  spend 
ing  money  foolishly  when 
we   must  be   constantly 
deprived  of  what  is  re 
ally  needful  to  a  decent 
home."     "You   are   not 
feeling  very  well  to-day," 
I    answered    in    sympa 
thetic   tones,  as   I   con 
tinued  plying  the  brush 
while  I  glazed  the  hair-cloth  sofa  so  that  it  might  be  washed. 
Augusta  had  a  spell  of  golden  silence,  which  gave  me 
plenty  of  time  to  bring  out  my  new  silk  hat  and  smear  it 
all  over,  inside  and  out,  with  the  peerless  fluid. 

I  repented  directly  after  it  was  done,  for  it  looked  like  a 
veritable  Russia-iron  stove-pipe.  But  I  consoled  myself 
with  the  thought  that  it  would  shed  water  and  would  never 
have  to  be  pressed  or  cleaned. 


ARTISTIC   WORK. 


110 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF  A   HUSBAND. 


That  evening  I  put  on  the  hat  and  went  to  Cooper  Institute 
where  I  was  engaged  to  deliver  a  lecture  on  Cucumbers 
before  the  Farmers'  Club.  Arriving  at  the  audience-room  a 
little  late,  I  hurried  in,  and  did  not  attempt  to  remove  my 
hat  until  I  had  reached  the  rostrum.  The  word  "  attempt " 

is  very  appropriate,  for 
that  hat  stuck  fast  to  the 
hairs  of  my  head.  I 
pulled  at  it  until  the  rim 
was  broken,  and  large 
bunches  of  hair  were 
loosened  at  the  roots,  and 
my  face  was  red  with 
wrath,  but  all  in  vain. 
!xvz.  Then  I  began  to  lecture 

£•% 

-2Lr7  on  the  cool  and  refresh- 
j\r? >,  ing  subject  of  Cucumbers, 
with  my  hat  on ;  but 
somehow  the  audience 
was  perverse  and  gave 
far  more  attention  to  my 
head-covering  than  to  my 
soul-stirring  utterances. 

At  last,  the  presiding 
officer  was  so  discourte 
ous  as  to  interrupt  me, 
and  to  ask  aloud  if  I  had  not  forgotten  the  usual  respect 
which  a  lecturer  is  in  bounden  duty  to  manifest  toward  his 
hearers. 

My  first  impulse  was  to  explain  the  matter ;  but  I  dreaded 
more  than  all  things  else,  the  uproarious  laughter  which  those 
lusty  farmers  would  pour  forth ;  and,  besides,  I  was  afraid 


RED  "WITH  WBATH. 


PATENT   GLAZING   FLUID. 


Ill 


that  the  explanation  might  lower  me  in  their  favorable  opin 
ions,  and  thereby  seriously  affect  the  subscription  list  of  the 
Farmer's  Guide. 

So  I  begged  the  president  to  allow  me  to  present  my 
apologies  to  the  intelligent  audience,  which  I  did  in  these 
truthful  words : 


THE  SADDEST  MAN  IN  NEW  YORK. 


"  Gentlemen,  I  am  fully  aware  that  it  is  a  great  breach  of 
etiquette  for  me  to  appear  before  so  refined  an  audience  as 
this  with  my  head  covered.  No  one  feels  more  keenly  the 
deep  humiliation  of  that  breach  than  I,  myself.  Nothing 
but  stern  necessity  compels  me  to  submit  to  it.  But  you 
must  believe  me,  gentlemen,  when  I  assure  you  positively 
that  so  long  as  I  remain  under  the  orders  of  my  present 


112 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


physician  it  will  be  absolutely  impossible  for  me  to  remove 
my  hat.  And  I  don't  want  to  be  slandered,"  I  added 
hotly,  as  I  heard  one  man  tell  another,  that  probably  I  had 
contracted  a  humor  in  my  scalp. 

"  Did  n't  you  notice  how  excited  he  got  trying  to  scratch 
his  head  when  he  came  in  ? "  inquired  another  in  a  hoarse 

whisper,  which  sound 
ed  to  me  almost  as 
loud  as  a  steam- 
whistle. 

Then  there  was 
whispering  and  snick 
ering  all  through  the 
audience.  How  could 
I  do  justice  to  cucum 
bers  under  such  cir 
cumstances  ?  I  was 
cast-down.  I  closed 
my  lecture  abruptly 
and  started  for  home, 
the  saddest  man  in 
New  York. 

This,.I  soliloquized, 
"  is  nothing  more  nor 
less  than  my  unhappy 
fate,  my  miserable 
luck  ;  for  how  could  I  have  foreseen  that  the  Glazing  Fluid 
would,  under  the  influence  of  heat,  act  as  a  strong  glue. 
The  peddler  never  said  a  word  about  its  getting  terribly 
adhesive  when  warmed." 

Reaching  home,  I  was  compelled  to  make  use  of  the  door 
bell,  for  Mrs.  Berkeley  had  somehow  become  possessed  of 


AKOUSLNG  THE  ENMATES. 


PATENT   GLAZING    FLUID.  113 

the  absurd  notion  that  it  would  be  better  for  her  to  retain 
my  night-key  and  admit  me  herself. 

This  arrangement  was  very  unsatisfactory  to  me,  especially 
as  she  was  accustomed  to  fall  asleep  in  her  chair,  or  on 
the  sofa,  and  it  was  no  easy  task  to  awaken  her. 

On  this  particular  occasion,  she  must  have  been  sleeping 
pretty  soundly,  for  it  was  not  until  I  had  pulled  the  door-bell 
knob  half-way  down  the  door-steps  that  I  received  any 
response  from  within.  "When  it  did  come,  however,  it  was 
something  terrible.  Augusta  was  evidently  in  trouble.  I 
heard  her  calling  for  help,  which  agonized  me  because  I 
could  not  fly  to  her  rescue.  Perhaps  she  is  dreaming,  I 
thought.  I  called  to  her  at  the  top  of  my  voice  to  tell  me 
what  was  the  matter. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  she,  "  something  is  holding  me  down 
to  the  sofa." 

In  an  instant  the  truth  flashed  across  my  mind.  She  had 
been  lying  on  the  sofa,  and  that  diabolical  Glazing  Fluid 
was  holding  her  down  with  a  grip  that  could  not  be  loosened. 

"  Come  and  let  me  in,"  I  said,  simply  because  I  could  not 
think  of  anything  else  to  say. 

"  I  am  held  fast  from  head  to  foot,"  she  responded,  and 
then  continued  to  talk,  but  I  could  not  make  out  a  word  she 
said. 

Perhaps  it  is  just  as  well  that  I  could  not,  for  she  had 
thought  about  the  Glazing  Fluid,  and  was  expressing  her 
opinion  about  it,  and  about  me. 

"  Can't  you  bring  the  sofa  on  your  back  and  let  me  in  ?" 
I  demanded. 

The  silence  which  followed  became  painful.  So  was  the 
cold,  night  air.  Finally  I  could  endure  the  situation  no 
longer.  I  broke  through  a  window  and  entered  the  house. 


114 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


The  falling  glass  woke  up  a  policeman,  and  lie  came  in  great 
haste  to  arrest  me  for  house-breaking.  I  had  no  great  diffi 
culty,  though,  in  explaining  things  to  his  entire  satisfaction. 
The  real  difficulty  began  when  I  turned  my  attention  to  my 
wife.  She  was  in  straightened  circumstances,  and  much 
cast  down.  Nothing  but  a  pair  of  shears  could  bring  her 


CAUGHT  IN  THE   ACT. 

relief.  When  I  had  finished  using  the  instrument  her  dress 
was  hopelessly  ruined. 

To  Augusta's  unspeakable  disgust,  I  went  to  bed  that 
night  with  my  Sunday  hat  on. 

The  last  thing  I  heard  her  say  was : 

" 1  told  you  so !  " 

The  end  was  not  yet,  however.     One  day  my  wife  took  it 


PATENT   GLAZING    FLUID. 


115 


into  her  head  to  see  what  she  could  do  with  that  Glazing 
Fluid. 

She  suspected  Christine  of  entertaining  a  beau  in  the 
kitchen  at  unseasonable  hours  of  the  night,  and  of  using  up 
more  oil  than  our  circumstances  would  justify. 

Christine  made  three  denials  :  First,  she  hadn't  any  beau. 
Second,  he  never  stayed  late.  Third,  the  light  was  always 
turned  down  so  low  that  no  oil  was  consumed. 


Mrs.  Berkeley  had  put  her 
foot  down  against  kitchen 
courtship,  and  she  was  determined  now  that  her  foot  should 
be  respected. 

Without  consulting  me,  or  letting  me  into  the  secret,  as  a 
faithful  wife  should  have  done,  she  took  the  skirt  of  Chris 
tine's  evening  dress  and  carefully  prepared  it  with  Prof. 
Edom's  mixture. 


116  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

That  very  evening  after  tea,  and  while  Christine  was  put 
ting  away  the  dishes,  I  happened  to  stroll  into  the  kitchen, 
as  I  often  did,  it  being  a  comfortable  place  in  cold  weather, 
and  politely  asked  the  comely  girl  if  anything  was  needed 
in  the  culinary  department. 

"  Nothing  special,"  she  replied,  "  only  I  would  like  to 
have  the  curtain  roller  fixed  so  I  can  pull  down  the  cur_ 
tain,  because  the  family  across  the  area  are  always  looking 
in  here  to  see  what  they  can  discover." 

I  recognized  the  wisdom  of  this  suggestion,  and  at  once 
got  the  step-ladder,  and  held  it  while  Christine  mounted  it 
in  order  to  repair  the  roller. 

Just  as  she  had  reached  the  top,  one  of  the  hinges  broke, 
and  the  ladder  suddenly  collapsed,  causing  the  girl  to  come 
down  with  sweeping  effect.  Somehow,  I  was  knocked  over, 
and,  in  trying  to  get  up,  I  discovered  that  the  terrified  and 
fainting  girl  was  leaning  against  me  for  support. 

I  felt  that  I  was  in  some  measure  responsible  for  her  fall, 
and  it  was  clearly  my  duty  not  to  drop  her  on  the  floor. 

Her  fainting  spell  was  of  somewhat  longer  duration  than 
I  had  expected,  and,  meanwhile,  all  unknown  to  me,  that 
Glazing  Fluid  on  the  woman's  dress  was  doing  its  work. 

After  awhile,  just  as  the  fainting  spell  was  over,  we  heard 
Augusta  approaching.  Christine  and  I  undertook  to  move 
apart  only  to  discover  that  we  were  bound  fast  to  each  other 
by  the  skirt  of  her  dress  and  the  tail  of  my  coat.  Mrs. 
Berkeley  entered  the  room  just  at  the  moment  when  we 
were  making  the  most  desperate  efforts  to  free  ourselves. 

I  knew  that  I  should  be  obliged  to  say  a  great  deal  in 
order  to  explain  the  situation  satisfactorily  to  my  wife,  but 
for  the  life  of  me,  I  could  not  decide  what  to  say  first ;  so  I 
simply  stammered  and  blushed. 


PATENT   GLAZING    FLUID. 


117 


Christine  also  stammered  and  blushed,  which  conduct 
made  matters  no  better. 

"Leave  this  house  instantly!"  demanded  Augusta,  in 
stern  accents,  addressing  herself  to  the  trembling  girl. 

How  she  could  leave,  right  off,  without  taking  me  with 


BUSINESS  IN  THE   KITCHEN. 


her,  is  a  problem  that  Augusta  had  not  stopped  to  solve ; 
but  after  much  trouble,  and  the  final  cutting  of  one  of  the 
garments,  we  were  separated — Christine  and  I — and  then 
my  wife  and  I  had  a  quiet  little  talk  of  four  or  five  hours 
in  length. 


118  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

The  case  was  not  nearly  so  hard  to  manage  as  I  had 
feared.  I  told  the  truth,  the  whole  truth,  and  nothing  but 
the  truth ;  and  the  result  was  that  Augusta  confessed  that 
she  believed  every  word  I  said,  and  had  not  for  an  instant 
lost  any  confidence  in  me.  The  inexplicable  thing  is,  though, 
she  could  not  forgive  Christine.  From  that  day  forth  sho 
never  had  a  kind  word  or  look  for  the  poor  girl,  who  became 
a  victim  to  circumstances. 

So  are  we  all,  victims.  When  two  men  can  meet  and 
exchange  characters,  as  they  would  swap  hats,  I  will  believe 
in  the  wonderful  potency  of  free  will.  Some  one  says, 
"  Character  is  very  much  a  matter  of  health."  It  is  very 
much  a  matter  of  ten  thousand  surroundings, — including 
step-mothers,  step-ladders,  and  patent  glue. 

It  is  objected  that  all  punishment  is  unjust  unless  man  is 
complete  master  of  himself.  Why  then  is  not  all  suffering 
unjust  when  it  is  inflicted  on  innocent  children  and  born 
blunderheads  ?  If  punishment  is  simply  vindictive,  having 
sole  reference  to  what  one  has  committed,  it  is  unjust ;  but 
if  it  is  Heaven's  means  of  fitting  the  soul  for  a  higher  life, 
and  if  it  looks  only  to  the  future,  we  have  no  right  to  com 
plain.  Neither  has  Christine,  poor  girl ! 


CHAPTER  X. 

FAMILY  RESPONSIBILITIES. 

HRISTINE  went  away  from  us  before  a  great  while. 

A  day  or  two  afterward,  we  received  a  note  from 
Mr.  Jewell,  informing  us  that  his  brother's  wife  had  just 
died,  leaving  an  infant  which  needed  immediate  care,  and 
asking  us  if  we  would  take  charge  of  it  until  such  time  as 
its  father  could  make  other  arrangements. 

"  Certainly  we  will,"  I  said  to  Augusta. 

"  For  certain  reasons,  I  think  we  had  better  not,"  replied 
Augusta.  "We  are  in  no  proper  condition  to  take  extra 
burdens  upon  ourselves,  and  we  could  not  do  justice  to  the 
child's  bringing  up." 

"  Nobody  could  bring  it  up  better,"  I  insisted. 

But  Augusta  remained  firm,  although  we  had  a  long, 
quiet  talk  on  the  subject.  At  last,  I  told  her  that  I  would 
take  it,  even  without  her  consent,  and  that  it  should  be  my 
baby. 

"  In  that  case,"  said  she,  "  you  will  have  sole  care  of  it, 
night  and  day.  You  will  feed,  wash,  and  dress  it,  stop  its 
crying,  rock  it  to  sleep,  give  it  medicine  when  sick,  keep  it 
tidy,  attend  to  its  clothing,  and  do  the  one  thousand  other 
things  which  its  comfort  and  safety  will  constantly  require." 

I  quailed.    • 

8  (119) 


120  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"I  suppose  you  think  you  would  be  doing  your  duty  as  a 
faithful  wife,  in  putting  all  that  responsibility  on  your  hus 
band?" 

"  I  think,"  she  replied,  "  that  any  husband  who  would 
bring  a  baby  into  the  house  against  all  reasonable  protests 
would  not  deserve  a  faithful  wife." 

I  quailed  again.  But  fortune  came  to  my  relief.  An 
event  occurred  which  accomplished  more  than  argument. 
The  next  mail  brought  a  letter  from  Chicago,  saying  that 
my  wife's  sister  had  just  died,  leaving  a  little  girl  two  years 
old,  not  only  motherless,  but  fatherless. 

Augusta  had  a  long  spell  of  crying,  during  which  I  made 
every  effort  to  soothe  her. 

"  Your  dear  sister  is  better  off,"  I  said.  "  She  will  not 
be  sick  any  more,  nor  have  any  more  pain ;  for,  as  the  Good 
Book  says,  *  the  old  thing  has  passed  away,  and  everything 
has  become  new.' " 

Then  I  kissed  her;  but  she  neglected  to  show  that  little 
favor  to  me  in  return. 

The  first  thing  she  said  was,  "  August,  it  is  my  duty  to 
send  for  that  little  orphan  girl;  for  there  is  no  one  else 
whose  plainer  duty  it  is  to  stand  in  the  place  of  her  own 
devoted  mother." 

"  What  definite  action  do  you  propose  to  take  in  that 
quarter  ?  "  I  asked,  with  some  austerity  of  manner. 

"  I  shall  telegraph  "at  once,"  she  answered,  "  that  I  will 
take  the  child." 

"  Umph ! "  exclaimed  I,  pretending  to  be  never  so  good- 
natured.  "When  did  the  unfortunate  husbands  who  inhabit 
this  glorious  land  of  liberty  lose  the  poor  right  of  being 
consulted  in  the  important  business  of  adopting  a  girl 
baby?" 


FAMILY   RESPONSIBILITIES.  121 

"  Oh,  I  knew  you  would  not  object,"  said  she,  "  and  I 
intended  to  consult  you,  all  the  time." 

"  I  don't  want  to  be  consulted  all  the  time,  and  therefore 
I  will  say,  most  emphatically  and  at  once,  that  I  do  object." 

Augusta  was  astonished. 

"  Object  to  taking  my  dear  departed  sister's  sweet  little 
orphan  ?  "  she  exclaimed. 

"  Most  decidedly,"  I  replied. 

"  Why,  August,  I  never  knew  you  to  act  so  contrary 
before." 

"  I  learned  it  from  you." 

"  What  have  I  done  to  offend  you  ?  "  she  inquired,  with  a 
pained  expression. 

"  You  would  not  let  me  have  the  little  Jewell  baby." 

"  August,  do  you  really  want  that  child  ? " 

"  Certainly  I  do.  '  Did  not  Mr.  Jewell  rescue  me  from  a 
terrible  death,  and  restore  me  to  your  waiting  arms  ?  Have 
you  lost  all  sense  of  gratitude,  that  now  you  refuse  to  com 
ply  with  his  most  simple  request  ?  " 

"You  are  right,  August.  I  was  too  thoughtless.  We 
will  take  the  helpless  infant,  and  do  the  very  best  we  can 
by  it." 

"  And  your  sister's  sweet  little  babe  shall  come  and  keep 
it  company,"  I  responded  joyfully. 

Thus  did  we  compromise  our  differences ;  and  my  wife 
paid  up  all  the  kisses  she  owed  me,  and  more  too. 

Both  babies  came. 

Weeks  passed. 

Just  here  I  ought  to  begin  a  new  chapter,  but  I  can't 
wait.  I  must  tell  it  now. 

Twins ! 

A  fact. 


122 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


Ours! 

Will  wonders  never  cease  ? 

"I  suppose,"  said  the  doctor,  as  he  broke  the  news  to  me 
as  gently  as  possible,  "  that,  in  view  of  the  responsibilities 


" THERE'S  TWO  OP  'EM!" 

you  had  already  assumed,  one  additional  child  would  have 
been  regarded  as  quite  sufficient." 

"  Yes,"  said  I,  "  but  I  assure  you,  doctor,  I  am  happily 
disappointed,  rather  than  otherwise.  I  am  exceedingly 
fond  of  children." 


FAMILY   RESPONSIBILITIES. 


123 


Shortly  after  this,  a  paragraph  appeared  in  a  rival  news 
paper,  saying  that  the  editor  of  The  Farmer's  Guide  had 
founded  an  infant  asylum  at  No.  —  Bleeker  street,  where 
he  would  gladly  receive  any  baby  that  might  be  sent  to  him. 

Little  did  I  realize  at  the 
time  of  it  what  effect  those 
odious  lines  would  produce. 
In  less  than  a  fortnight, 
seven  unclaimed  babies  ar 
rived  at  our  house  by  mid- 


NO.    —  BLEEKER  STREET. 


night  carriers,  who  left  no  bill  of  express  charges.  Five  of 
these  we  sent  to  a  Home  for  Infants,  but  the  other  two 
were  retained,  because  small  sums  of  money  had  been  left 
with  them  for  their  support. 


124  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  We  are  in  great  need  of  this  money,"  said  I  to  Augusta, 
"  and  as  the  two  babies  who  brought  it  are  both  very  bright 
and  healthy  in  appearance,  I  advise  keeping  them,  by  all 
means." 

At  first,  Augusta  impulsively  objected,  saying  that  we 
already  had  more  family  than  we  could  support. 

"  But,"  argued  I,  "  many  a  time  I  have  heard  a  boarding- 
house  keeper  say  that  if  she  had  to  keep  boarders  at  all,  she 
would  just  as  soon  have  two  or  three  more  as  two  or  three 
less.  And  any  cook  will  tell  you  that  one  or  two  extra 
mouths  at  the  table  make  no  perceptible  difference  in  the 
meal-barrel.  Moreover,  didn't  we  hear  Robert  Collyer  say, 
in  his  lecture  on  Clear  Grrit,  that  *  nobody  should  be  afraid 
of  having  too  many  children  to  provide  for,  because  the 
good  Lord  never  sends  mouths  without  sending  something 
nice  to  put  into  them  ? ' ' 

Augusta  did  not  seem  to  be  convinced ;  but  as  she  was 
not  strong  enough  to  argue  with  me,  it  was  not  long  before 
she  felt  resigned  to  the  logic  of  my  cool,  calm  level-head- 
edness,  and  the  question  was  settled. 

That  afternoon,  I  met  my  friend  Jewell  on  the  street,  and 
he  inquired  anxiously  after  his  brother's  motherless  child. 

«  Oh,"  said  I,  "  we  have  six." 

"  Six  what  ?  "  he  inquired. 

"  Six  children,  all  babies, — four  boys  and  two  girls,  or 
else  four  girls  and  two  boys.  I  am  not  sure  which." 

Jewell  was  astonished. 

I  love  children  dearly,  and  imagine  I  know  just  how  to 
train  them  so  that  when  they  grow  up  they  will  not  depart 
from  it.  I  realize  that  pretty  much  everything  which  is  to 
be  done  in  behalf  of  the  man  must  be  executed  while  he  is 
a  boy. 


FAMILY   RESPONSIBILITIES.  125 

The  Andes  have  been  raised  up  from  an  ocean-bed,  for 
sea-shells  are  found  on  them  at  an  elevation  of  fourteen 
thousand  feet.  So  it  is  with  the  human  being.  He  may 
rise  to  Alpine  heights,  but  he  must  take  with  him  the  shells, 
beautiful  or  otherwise,  of  his  early  existence.  The  geolo 
gist  reads  earth's  childhood  in  fossil  rocks.  In  the  brain  of 
every  adult  are  the  fossil  influences  of  babyhood. 


CHAPTER    XL 

SUPPLIES  FOR  THE  FAMILY. 

AS  soon  as  Augusta  was  well  enough  to  sit  up,  she  and 
the  nurse  put  their  heads  together  and  made  out  a 
list  of  articles  that  were  immediately  needed  in  the  house. 
Never  had  I  so  fully  realized  that  I  was  a  man  of  family  as 
when  I  looked  at  that  list.  It  was  as  long  as  the  moral 
code. 

"  I  beg  of  you,"  pleaded  Augusta,  as  I  left  the  door,  "  that 
you  will  not  make  any  foolish  bargains,  for  it  will  require 
the  closest  figuring  to  make  the  money  hold  out  until  the 
necessary  purchases  are  made." 

"  I  hope,"  said  I,  impetuously,  "  that  you  do  not  regard 
me  as  one  of  the  six  babies,  that  you  deem  it  needful  to  give 
me  this  advice.  I  may  be  a  little  backward  in  some  things, 
such  as  far-fetched  theories  concerning  the  origin  of  man 
and  justification  through  faith ;  but  when  it  comes  to  the 
practical  business  of  doing  a  little  trading,  I  do  not  thank 
any  one  for  intimating  that  I  am  a  horse-block." 

Augusta  said  no  more.     She  saw  the  force  of  my  remarks. 

Little  did  I  think  as  I  shut  the  door  and  went  proudly 
forth  on  my  mission,  that  unfortuitous  circumstances  would 
so  conspire  against  all  my  preconceived  purposes  that  I 
should  come  home  a  few  hours  later  with  a  speckled  dog, 

a  pair  of  "  diamond  "  ear-rings,  and  little  else. 

(126) 


SUPPLIES   FOR   THE    FAMILY. 


127 


I  was  persuaded  to  buy  the  dog  because  I  came  to  believe 
I  needed  him  for  protection  against  other  people's  blessings, 
of  whom  such  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven.  I  was  determined 
that  the  tide  of  immigration  which  had  undertaken  to  flood 
me  with  a  mixed  multitude  of  infants  should  be  stayed, 


GOING  ON   A   MISSION. 


even  if  it  took  a  speckled  dog 
,s.  to  stay  it. 

Then  I  thought  he  would 
be  company  for  Augusta  dur 
ing  long,  lonesome  evenings, 
when  I  should  be  detained  by 
business  at  the  office.  I  expected  nothing  but  that  she 
would  go  into  ecstasies  over  him,  and  shower  us  both  with 
caresses,  the  minute  she  should  set  eyes  on  him. 

He  looked  lank  and  hungry,  so  the  first  thing  I  did  when 
I  had  paid  the  seven  dollars  and  a  half  purchase-money  for 
which  he  was  sacrificed,  was  to  stop  at  a  meat  market  and 


128 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


get  him  twenty-five  cents  worth  of  porter-house  steak.  He 
seemed  very  grateful  for  this,  and  it  put  new  life  into  his 
wagging  fixture. 

My  next  thought  was  to  regain  my  watch,  which  I  had 
been  obliged  to  leave  at  a  pawn-shop.     The  time  in  which  it 
could  be  redeemed  was  near 
ly  out,  and  I  knew  the  babies 
would  need  it,  for  the  doctor 
had  already  left  orders  for 
some  of  them  to  take  medi 
cine     every     half-hour,    not 


knowing  that  we  were  out  of 
half-hours,  having  no  time 
piece  to  make  them  with. 

The  hooked-nosed  pawn 
broker  turned  out  to  be  a 
first-class  fraud.  He  had  taken 
the  new  and  excellent  works 

from  my  watch-case  and  put  old  and  worthless  ones  in  their 
place.  Although  I  knew  this  to  be  so  I  had  no  legal  way 
of  proving  it,  and  therefore  he  had  me  in  his  power. 

I  threatened  to  prosecute  him,  but  he  only  laughed  me  in 
the  face.     I  made  up  my  mind  then  and  there,  that  I  would 


STRIVING  FOR  NEW   LIFE. 


SUPPLIES   FOB   THE   FAMILY.  129 

get  even  with  him  by  any  means,  fair  or  unfair,  that  human 
ingenuity  could  devise. 

While  I  stood  parleying  with  him,  a  gentleman  entered 
the  shop  and  became  interested  in  our  conversation. 

After  a  while  he  drew  me  aside  and  whispered  in  my  ear : 
"  Sir,  I  am  a  stranger  to  you,  but,  begging  your  pardon,  I 
will  venture  to  give  you  a  little  advice.  Let  that  sharper 
alone.  I  know  him  of  old.  He  will  cheat  any  man  blind 
who  deals  with  him." 

"  But  he  has  stolen  my  watch,"  said  I. 

"  Is  it  entirely  gone  ?  "  inquired  the  stranger. 

"  No,  I  have  the  same  cases  back  again." 

"Then,"  said  he,  "  you  are  extremely  lucky,  and  ought  to 
thank  your  stars  you  have  saved  so  much." 

"  I  am  bound  to  get  even  with  him,"  I  replied,  my  voice 
tremulous  with  indignation. 

"  You  will  do  better  to  let  that  job  out,"  remarked  the 
stranger.  "Never  a  victim  yet  has  succeeded  in  getting 
even  with  him.  The  more  one  attempts  it  the  nearer  the 
poor-house  one  gets.  Of  course  you  can  do  as  you  think 
best,"  he  added,  after  a  pause,  "  but  if  you  should  make  the 
attempt  and  fail,  you  will  not  think  the  less  of  me  for 
having  intruded  on  your  good-nature  to  the  extent  of  warn 
ing  you  of  your  danger." 

"  Certainly  not,"  I  replied.  "  You  have  acted  the  perfect 
gentleman.  You  must  excuse  me,  however,  if  I  suggest 
that  there  is  a  certain  quality  in  my  nature  of  which  you 
are  pardonably  ignorant.  I  will  not  be  imposed  on  by  any 
one.  I  am  not  a  marine,  that  I  should  be  made  a  dupe  of 
by  land-sharks.  No,  no  ;  mark  my  words !  I  will  get  even 
with  this  miscreant." 

He  looked  at  me  sorrowfully,  and  we  both  turned  to  leave 


130  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

the  shop.  On  the  way  to  the  door  he  stopped  before  a  glass 
show-case,  and  called  my  attention  to  some  precious  stones 
exposed  for  sale. 

"Now  look  here,"  said  he.  "As  an  example  of  the 
manner  in  which  this  man  swindles  the  public,  here  are 
these  so-called  diamonds.  I  happen  to  be  a  connossieur 
in  this  class  of  goods.  I  have  been  an  importer  of  diamonds 
for  fifteen  years,  and  know  the  genuine  from  the  spurious 
at  a  glance.  Those  ear-rings  that  are  marked  thirty-five 
dollars,  are  nothing  but  composition,  and  worth  just  three 
dollars.  That  pair  marked  fifty-four  dollars  are  Scotch 
pebbles,  and  could  be  bought  of  any  respectable  dealer  for 
seven  dollars." 

"  What  about  those  ? "  I  inquired,  pointing  to  a  pair  of 
brilliants  marked  four  hundred  dollars. 

"Those,"  answered  my  informer,  "  are  real  diamonds,  and 
would  be  worth  all  that  is  asked  for  them  if  it  were  not  that 
they  have  some  little  flaws,  which,  however,  might  never 
be  detected  except  with  a  magnifying  glass.  As  it  is,  they 
are  not  worth  over  a  hundred  and  fifty  dollars.  At  Tiffany's 
they  would  be  put  on  the  market  at  a  hundred  and  seventy- 
five.  Marking  them  at  four  hundred  is  decidedly  cheeky, 
and  requires  a  cast-iron  conscience.  But  some  day  a  con 
ceited  fellow,  who  thinks  he  knows  all  about  Jewing,  and 
that  nobody  can  get  up  early  enough  in  the  morning  to  get 
ahead  of  him,  will  come  in  and  offer  two  hundred  dollars 
for  those  stones.  After  the  broker  has  pooh-poohed  and 
whined  and  cried  and  lied  for  about  half  an  hour,  he  will 
put  on  a  most  dejected  look,  and  tell  the  conceited  fellow 
that,  although  two  hundred  dollars  is  far  below  their  cost, 
as  can  be  seen  by  examining  the  bill  of  lading,  yet,  consid 
ering  that  the  broker's  wife  is  sick,  and  the  doctor  has 


SUPPLIES    FOR    THE    FAMILY. 


131 


ordered  her  to  be  sent  to  the  Springs,  the  brilliants 
must  go. 

"  Then  the  conceited  fellow  will  laugh  in  his  sleeve,  pat 
himself  on  the  back,  and  say,  '  What  a  smart  boy  am  I ! ' 

"  Don't  trade  at  this  shop,"  concluded  the  stranger ;  "  that 
is  my  advice.  Good  morning."  He  turned  to  go,  when 


Ite 


LOOK  HERE?' 


his  eye  fell  on  a  little  hole  in  the  show-case,  caused  by  one 
of  the  settings  of  glass  having  had  its  corner  broken  off. 

"  Do  you  know,"  said  he,  "  that  a  dishonest  person  might 
take  advantage  of  that  defect  to  defraud  this  broker  ?  " 

"  How   so  ? "  I   inquired.     "  The  hole   is  neither  large 


132  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

enough  for  a  person's  hand  to  be  thrust  in,  nor  for  any  of 
the  jewelry  to  be  taken  out." 

"  True,"  said  he,  "  but  look  here." 

So  saying,  he  picked  up  a  piece  of  wire  which  chanced 
to  be  lying  on  the  counter,  and  running  it  through  the  hole 
in  the  show-case,  dexterously  exchanged  the  tags  marked 
respectively  thirty-five  dollars  and  four  hundred  dollars,  so 
that  the  genuine  diamonds  were  now  offered  at  the  figures 
which  had  stood  for  the  artificial.  He  then  laughed  in  a 
merry  way  at  the  joke  he  had  executed,  and  after  politely 
bidding  me  good-day  again,  left  the  store. 

Suddenly  a  great  temptation  seized  me.  It  grew  on  me. 
I  had  vowed  vengeance  on  the  man  who  had  stolen  my 
watch.  Now  was  my  opportunity.  I  would  tell  no  false 
hood,  I  would  not  purloin,  I  would  not  violate  any  statutory 
law,  or  break  any  commandment  of  Scripture.  I  would 
simply  make  a  purchase,  and  pay  the  price  demanded. 

The  broker,  who,  all  this  while  had  been  very  busy  at  his 
desk  in  the  other  end  of  the  store,  now  came  forward,  and 
in  a  most  obsequious  manner  inquired  if  there  was  anything 
he  could  do  for  me. 

"  Do  you  sell  everything  at  the  price  marked  on  its  tag  ?  " 
I  asked,  trying  to  look  innocent,  while  my  heart  was  beating 
like  a  blacksmith's  sledge.  Perhaps  it  was  ashamed  of  me 
and  was  trying  to  make  its  escape. 

"  Yes,  sir ;  we  have  but  one  price,  and  that  is  plainly  put 
down,"  answered  the  pawn-broker. 

"  Will  you  let  me  look  at  those  diamonds  marked  thirty- 
five  dollars  ?  "  said  I,  my  voice  acting  as  though  it  had  not 
been  moistened  for  a  week. 

"  Elegant  gems,  and  worth  a  good  deal  more  money ! " 
exclaimed  he,  taking  out  the  ear-rings  which  had  formerly 
been  marked  four  hundred  dollars. 


SUPPLIES   FOR   THE   FAMILY.  133 

u  What  is  the  lowest  I  can  have  them  for,  and  close  the 
bargain  instantly  ?"  I  demanded,  beginning  to  feel  as  hot  as 
though  the  fires  prepared  for  my  lost  soul  had  just  been 
replenished  with  an  extra  barrel  of  pitch. 

"Do  you  see  those  figures?"  curtly  replied  the  broker. 
"  Do  you  think  I  placed  them  there  for  amusement  ?  They 
mean  that  I  will  sell  those  valuable  diamond  ear-rings  for 
just  thirty-five  dollars ;  not  one  cent  more,  and  not  one  cent 
less.  Take  them  if  you  want  them ;  if  you  don't,  leave 
them  ;  it  is  all  the  same  to  me."  And  he  was  just  replacing 
them  in  the  case  when  I  cried  out : 

"  I  '11  take  them !     Here  is  your  money." 

I  hurried  out  of  the  store  as  though  pursued  by  a  flaming 
sword. 

If  any  one  thinks  I  was  happy  he  has  made  a  miscalcula 
tion.  I  did  n't  even  dare  to  look  my  speckled  dog  in  the 
face.  I  was  afraid  of  his  honest  bark. 

In  analyzing  my  conflicting  emotions  I  discovered  that  I 
was  very  proud  of  what  I  had  accomplished,  and  that  out 
of  that  pride  came  a  kind  of  satisfaction.  I  had  done  what 
my  adviser,  the  stranger,  assured  me  could  not  be  done,  and 
that  was  worth  something.  It  tickled  my  vanity. 

Still,  there  was  something  wrong  lying  around  loose  in 
my  better  self,  and  as  near  as  I  could  judge,  it  was  about 
the  size  of  a  millstone,  and  about  as  rampant  as  a  mad 
bull. 

My  dog  began  to  pull  furiously  on  the  cord  by  which  I 
was  leading  him.  At  first  I  thought  he  was  anxious  to  go 
back  to  his  former  master ;  but  then  I  knew  this  could  not 
be  his  purpose  for  he  was  pointing  in  an  opposite  direction. 
I  had  often  read  of  dogs  being  possessed  of  wonderful  instinct 
or  reason,  even  to  the  extent  of  leading  their  owners  to  the 


134 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF    A    HUSBAND. 


discovery  of  lost  treasure ;  so,  to  satisfy  my  curiosity,  I  let 
him  take  me  according  to  his  own  sweet  will. 

The  place  to  which  he  brought  me,  with  no  unnecessary 
delay,  was  the  meat  market,  where  I  had  purchased  the 
steak  for  him  but  a  short  time  previous.  I  admired  his 
sagaciousness  so  much  that  I  ordered  a  half  dozen  pork 


HIS  OWN  SWEET  WILL. 


chops,  which  he  gulped  down  before  I  could  get  them  paid 
for.  I  began  to  surmise  that  my  speckled  cur  was  blessed 
with  a  good  appetite.  This,  I  consoled  myself,  would  save 
the  expense  of  spring  bitters. 

Passing  by  Tiffany's,  it  occurred  to  me  that  I  would  just 
run  in  and  get  an  official  statement  of  the  value  of  my  ear 
rings. 


SUPPLIES   FOR   THE   FAMILY. 


135 


The  clerk  to  whom  I  handed  them  for  inspection,  put  a 
magnifying  glass  to  his  eye,  looked  at  them  for  an  instant, 
and  remarked : 

"  I  hope,  sir,  you  are  not  one  of  the  innocents ! " 
"  I  do  not  feel  particularly  innocent,"  said  I. 


THE   LATEST  TRICK. 

"  Have  you  heard  of  the  latest  trick  which  the  confidence 
men  are  playing  ? " 

"  No,"  I  replied,  "  but  I  have  not  lived  in  large  cities  all 
my  life  not  to  know  a  confidence  man  when  I  see  him,  no 
matter  what  his  trick  is." 

"  Oh,  of   course  it  catches  nobody  but  greenhorns  from 
9 


136  MY  WIFE'S  POOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

the  country,  but  you  would  be  surprised  to  know  how  many 
victims  there  are.  They  come  in  here  every  day  with  just 
this  kind  of  jewelry  and  ask  me  to  examine  it.  Sometimes 
they  go  away  swearing  mad  when  I  tell  them  it  is  bogus  and 
not  worth  taking  home." 

"  How  is  the  trick  managed  ? "  I  inquired,  trying  to  con 
ceal  my  emotions. 

"  Very  cleverly,"  answered  the  clerk.  "  The  shop-keeper 
has  a  confederate,  who  comes  in  at  the  opportune  moment 
and  pretends  to  hold  the  shop-keeper  in  supreme  contempt. 
In  a  disinterested  sort  of  way  he  urges  you  not  to  trade 
in  that  store.  He  secures  your  confidence.  I  mean  the 
confidence  of  the  verdant  countryman  whom  he  intends  to 
victimize,  and  then " 

"  Give  me  those  ear-rings ! "  I  demanded  angrily.  "  I  am 
going  home." 

As  the  clerk  handed  them  to  me,  I  observed  a  knowing 
look  lighting  up  his  countenance  and  a  diabolical  smile  play 
ing  about  his  open  mouth. 

I  knew  he  saw  through  me,  and  I  felt  cheap — cheaper  than 
the  ear-rings. 

On  the  way  home  my  speckled  dog  took  it  into  his  head 
to  haul  off  again  toward  the  meat-shop.  It  cost  me  a  pang 
or  two  to  deny  him.  If  I  had  had  any  money  left,  nothing 
would  have  given  me  greater  satisfaction  than  to  have 
bought  him  a  fresh  ham,  a  shoulder  of  mutton,  a  leg  of  veal, 
or  a  nice  string  of  sausages.  I  liked  my  dog,  and  I  have 
every  reason  to  think  he  liked  me,  even  to  the  extent  of 
over-estimating  me.  The  value  at  which  I  held  myself  grew 
less  and  less  as  I  approached  home. 

Meeting  my  wife  was  a  painful  ordeal. 

As  I  entered  the  sick  chamber,  dragging  my  speckled  cur 


SUPPLIES   FOR   THE    FAMILY. 


137 


after  me,  Augusta  turned  toward  me  with  a  wearied  look, 
but  with  eyes  full  of  love,  and  said  : 

"  0 !  August,  I  am  so  glad  you  have  come.  Ask  the 
nurse  if  she  will  be  kind  enough  to  put  the  things  you  have 
bought  into  the  pantry  and  then  set  the  table  for  dinner. 
You  must  be  hungry.  Come  and  stay  by  me  a  little  while. 


AUGUSTA'S  RECEPTION. 

I  don't  feel  so  well  to-day.  The  doctor  says  I  have  taken  a 
little  cold,  and  he  is  alarmed  about  my  fever.  Your  hand 
feels  so  cool  and  nice  on  my  forehead.  You  are  a  dear  good 
man.  Who  lent  you  that  big  hungry-looking  dog  ?  Please 
don't  take  him  home  yet.  I  want  you  to  stay  with  me.  I 
have  felt  so  lonesome  to-day,  and  I  love  you  so  much.  Let 
your  face  nestle  right  against  mine  now  while  you  tell  me  all 


138 


MY  WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


about  your  shopping  and  how  you  managed  to  make  the 
money  hold  out.  You  don't  know  how  sorry  I  feel  for  you 
when  I  think  of  you  having  to  be  deprived  of  so  many  things 
you  want.  I  must  have  been  very  weak  and  nervous  to-day, 
for  I  cried  real  hard  remembering  all  your  struggles  and 
disappointments  ;  and  then  I  prayed  for  you,  and  I  thanked 

the  dear  Father  in  Heaven 
that  you  are  such  a  good 
man,  so  upright  and  hon 
orable  and  conscientious, 
and  I  asked  him  to  make 
me  more  deserving — " 

"  Augusta,"  I  exclaim 
ed,  jumping  up  and  turn 
ing  my  face  away  to  hide 
the  tears  which  I  could 
no  longer  force  back.  "  I 
can't  endure  this  another 
minute !  I  rather  you 
would  curse  me  as  I  de 
serve  than  to  talk  this 
way ! " 

"  Have  I  offended  you  ?" 
she  asked  in  a  tone  of 
genuine  alarm  ?  "  You 
must  forgive  me  August.  I  did  not  mean  to  hurt  your 
feelings — truly  I  did  not,  but  I  am  so  careless ;  I  am  always 
saying  something  I  ought  not  to." 

"  Augusta !  "    I  cried,  and  then  my  voice  became  choked 
and  I  could  not  give  utterance  to  another  word. 

She  saw  that  I  was  overcome  with  grief,  and  so,  making  a 
great  effort  to  be  cheerful,  she  said : 


COALS  OF   FIRE. 


SUPPLIES    FOB   THE   FAMILY. 


139 


"August,  you  must  not  think  I  am  going  to  die.  As 
soon  as  this  fever  passes  I  shall  be  a  great  deal  better. 
You  know  what  a  strong  will  I  have,  and  I  am  going  to  will 
myself  to  get  well, — even  for  your  sake." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  I,  "  and  for  your  sake,  I  am  going  to 
try  to  be  more  worthy  of  the  best  woman  in  the  world." 


GETTING  RID  OF   A  BURDEN. 

I  didn't  give  her  any  description  of  my  latest  commer 
cial  transactions,  for  I  feared  the  doctor  might  not  approve 
of  it.  But  I  did  the  best  I  could  toward  repairing  the  mis 
chief  of  the  day.  Going  into  the  kitchen  I  cornered  the 
nurse  and  begged  of  her,  for  dear  pity's  sake,  to  lend  me 


140 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


some  money  for  a  few  days  till  I  could  get  straightened  out. 
She  emptied  her  purse  into  my  hands  !  "  You  have  been 
extremely  faithful  to  my  wife  and  the  babies,"  said  I  to  her, 
"  and  you  must  now  permit  me  to  make  you  a  little  present 
as  a  token  of  my  appreciation  of  your  services." 

I  then  gave  her  the  diamond  ear-rings  which  were  weigh 
ing  so  heavily  on  my  conscience,  but  more  especially  on  my 
pride. 

She  was  astonished. 

"  0,  no,"  said  I,  "  they  are  not  so  valuable  as  you  seem  to 
suppose ;  they  are  made  of  paste  and  set  in  rolled  gold. 
However,  if  you  are  very  careful  and  don't  wear  them,  they 
will  keep  their  lustre  for  many  years." 

I  went  back  to  my  wife  feeling  a  sense  of  relief. 


GOING  TO  HIS  LONG  HOME. 

"Augusta,"  said  I, "  this  speckled  dog  appears  to  be  getting 
hungry.  If  you  will  excuse  me  for  a  few  minutes  I  guess  I 
will  take  him  home." 

I  did  take  him — to  his  long  home,  and  when  I  returned 
1  had  ordered  all  the  groceries  and  things  that  the  nurse's 
money  could  pay  for. 


SUPPLIES   FOR   THE   FAMILY.  141 

I  wished  that  I  was  a  better  Christian!  It  actually 
worried  ine  to  think  that  I  could  not  love  that  pawnbroker. 
Willingly  would  I  have  gone  to  heaven  with  the  speckled 
dog — but  not  with  him. 

Is  it  any  wonder  that  religion  is  hard  to  practice  ?  We 
are  required  to  love  our  enemies  and  abhor  their  sins.  This 
is  contrary  to  all  human  experience.  The  law  of  association 
is  very  strong.  In  our  thought,  things  in  relationship  possess 
each  other's  quality.  Who  can  dissociate  coffin  and  corpse  ? 
Who  can  forget  the  base  uses  to  which  a  cooking  utensil 
may  have  been  put,  even  though  it  has  been  thoroughly 
cleaned  ? 

Who  cares  to  sleep  in  the  bed  of  a  felo-de-se  ?  Who  could 
use  a  hangman's  rope  for  a  plaything  ?  Yet,  in  spite  of  this 
overwhelming  instinct  of  human  nature,  Christianity  would 
have  us  love  a  man  while  hating  all  the  uses  to  which  he 
puts  himself.  Augusta  says  this  is  right.  Yet  she  cannot 
even  love  Christine.  In  that  regard  I  am  nearer  the  king 
dom  of  righteousness  than  she. 

After  all,  this  law  of  association  is  just  what  we  need. 
If  it  gets  us  into  the  difficulty  it  can  also  get  us  out.  We 
have  only  to  associate  the  man  with  his  divine  origin  and 
everlasting  destiny,  and  we  shall  then  love  him  in  accordance 
with  the  requirements. 


CHAPTER  XIL 

MEASLES. 

struck  the  family  just  as  the  hot  weather  came 
JL    on.     The  six  babies  all  had  them  night  and  day,  but 
principally  at  night.     During  the  day  I  stayed  at  .the  office. 
^  For  seven  long,  weari 

some,  painful,  never- 
to-be-forgotten  weeks, 
my  regular  sleep  was 
constantly  broken  in 
upon  by  the  children's 
complai  nts.  There 
was  scarcely  a  night 
that  I  could  get  over 
eight  hours  of  unbrok 
en  rest.  I  have  a 
faint  impression  that 
Augusta  was  worse 
off  than  I,  but  I  never 
have  told  her  so.  Why 
it  is  that  I  am  apt 
to  neglect  such  little 
courtesies  is  more 
than  I  can  possibly 
comprehend. 

(142) 


NIGHT   WORK. 


MEASLES.  143 

Just  as  our  herculean  efforts  and  anxieties  had  been 
rewarded  by  the  verdict  of  the  physician  that  the  babies 
were  out  of  danger,  I  myself  was  struck  down  with  all  the 
measles  that  were  left  in  the  neighborhood. 

It  would  have  been  just  my  luck  to  have  taken  the  dis 
ease  the  next  day  after  I  was  born,  and  to  have  died  in  my 
sins  at  that  time  ;  but,  through  some  oversight,  I  had  been 
reserved  for  a  later  day. 

I  was  sick. 

The  reader  must  inflate  these  little  words  with  all  the 
meaning  that  his  own  most  dreadful  experience  can  furnish. 

For  two  weeks  I  hung  suspended  by  a  single  hair  over  the 
yawning  gulf  of — but  I  must  not  get  theological — during 
which  time,  Augusta  gave  me  the  divine  ministry  of  her 
sweet  affection  and  indefatigable  devotion. 

Would  you  believe  that  such  a  woman  would  grow  hard 
hearted  at  last  ? 

She  did. 

It  was  when  I  had  become  convalescent.  I  had  lost  my 
appetite,  but  I  had  found  another.  It  must  have  been 
Jumbo's,  or  the  speckled  dog's.  There  was  nothing  that  I 
did  not  want  to  eat,  and  there  was  nothing  except  porridge, 
and  soup,  and  toast,  and  eggs,  and  ripe  fruit,  that  my  wife 
would  permit  me  to  have. 

She  had  a  ridiculous  superstition,  inherited  from  her 
mother,  that  hearty  eating  would  bring  on  a  relapse. 

An  opportunity  offered  for  me  to  make  the  attempt  to 
disabuse  her  usually  good  judgment  of  that  ancient  delusion. 

A  neighbor  had  dropped  in  to  see  how  I  was  getting  on, 
and  Augusta  had  invited  her  to  stay  to  dinner.  They  were 
both  in  the  kitchen  waiting  for  the  tea  to  steep.  The  table 
was  set.  Noiselessly  I  glided  from  my  couch,  and  took  an 


144 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


inventory  of  the  fare.  What  struck  me  as  the  most  savory 
dish  of  all  was  the  meat.  There  were  two  or  three  pounds 
of  cold  boiled  ham  just  waiting  to  be  consumed.  How  my 
stomach  yearned  for  it!  I  laid  hold  of  it  eagerly.  In 
another  instant  I  should  have  proceeded  to  gratify  my  inner 
cravings  ;  but,  for  some  reason,  I  hesitated.  The  man  that 
hesitates  is — saved.  Therein  he  differs  from  woman. 


EXPERIMENTING. 

I  will  be  a  man,  thought  I.  Perhaps,  after  all,  Augusta 
is  right,  but,  nevertheless,  it  would  furnish  me  with  a 
month's  comfort  to  convince  her  otherwise. 

A  feasible  scheme  suggested  itself.  The  next  minute  I 
had  opened  a  bandbox,  and  concealed  the  cold  ham  under 
my  wife's  Sunday  bonnet,  after  which  I  returned  to  my 
couch  to  await  developments. 


MEASLES.  145 

The  women  came  in,  my  wife  smiling  benignantly  as  she 
bore  the  steaming  teapot. 

"  You  must  excuse  me,"  said  she  to  Mrs.  Losson,  "  for  not 
having  a  more  presentable  dinner.  We  have  been  so  upset 
with  sickness  that  my  housework  has  been  sadly  neglected." 

"  How  are  you  feeling  to-day  ? "  inquired  Mrs.  Losson, 
coming  to  the  lounge  whereon  I  was  stretched. 

"  Thank  you,  Mrs.  Losson,"  I  replied,  "  I  am  at  least  a 
thousand  per  cent,  better  than  I  was  half  an  hour  ago." 

"  Victuals,  marm !  I  was  on  the  ragged  edge  of  starva 
tion,  and  should  speedily  have  gasped  my  last  gasp  had  I 
not  dragged  my  exhausted  frame  to  the  dinner-table,  and 
supplied  my  wasted  powers  with  their  proper  nourishment." 

"  Where  in  the  world  is  that  ham  ?  "  exclaimed  my  wife, 
trying  to  look  in  twelve  different  directions  at  once. 

"  This  is  all  I  have  left  of  it,"  I  replied,  holding  up  a 
jagged  little  piece,  which  I  had  reserved  especially  for  the 
occasion. 

Augusta  turned  pale. 

"  Don't  be  alarmed,"  said  I,  "  for  I  am  feeling  ever  so 
much  better  than  I  felt  a  while  ago.  Have  n't  I  told  you  all 
along  that  I  needed  substantial  food  ?  You  must  admit 
now  that  your  theory  was  wrong.  There  was  a  time  when 
all  the  old  ladies  in  the  land  believed  that  every  sick  person 
should  be  blistered,  and  bled,  and  tortured,  while  every  con 
valescent  patient  should  be  kept  on  a  light  diet  till  he  was 
hungry  enough  to  eat  a  barn  door.  But,  Augusta,  science 
has  advanced,  and  it  pains  me  to  think  that  a  woman  of 
your  native  sense  should  still  cling  to  any  of  the  mouldy 
conceits  of  the  dark  ages.  That  was  very  nice  ham,  my 
dear,  very  nice  indeed.  Won't  you  give  me  a  plate  of  plum- 
pudding  for  dossert  ? " 


146 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


Augusta  was  too  much  agitated  to  reply. 

She  and  Mrs.  Losson  put  their  heads  together,  and  held  a 
few  minutes  excited  conversation,  during  which  I  was 
serenely  smiling  in  the  sleeve  of  my  dressing-gown. 

Mrs.  Losson  went  away,  but  soon  returned. 

Augusta  came  to  my  side,  and  in  pleading  tones,  said, 
"  August,  will  you  do  one  thing  to  please  me  ? " 


HAM    HUNTERS. 


"Most  assuredly,"  I  replied,  my  conscience  giving  a 
twitch  or  two. 

"  Then  take  this  powder  in  a  glass  of  water." 

I  took  it. 

Oh,  horrors !     It  was  a  most  powerful  emetic. 

I  had  nothing  particular  to  throw  up  except  my  legs ;  hut 
the  emetic  was  determined  to  do  its  mission  all  the  same. 
My  stomach,  being  a  little  weak  from  long  abstinence,  had 


•  -    •  :  - 


A  WINED  ISONNKT. 


MEASLES.  149 

not  a  very  firm  grip  on  its  surroundings,  and  it  seemed 
every  minute  as  though  its  tackling  would  break,  and  that  I 
should  lose  it. 

At  this  crisis  the  doctor  arrived,  having  been  notified  by 
Mrs.  Losson  when  she  went  for  the  emetic. 

"  He  is  a  very  sick  man,"  solemnly  spoke  the  physician, 
feeling  of  my  pulse.  "  Has  the  ham  come  yet  ?  " 

"  No,"  replied  both  women  with  bated  breath. 

"  I  fear  it  is  too  heavy  to  be  moved,"  mournfully  spoke 
the  doctor. 

I  was  busy  with  my  sea-sickness,  and  could  not,  therefore, 
observe  my  wife,  or  I  should  have  seen  the  most  despairing 
look  on  her  face  which  human  countenance  can  endure. 

"I  shall  have  to  try  another  dose  of  tartara  medicus" 
continued  the  doctor. 

"  No,  you  don't !  "  I  groaned,  making  another  effort  to 
turn  myself  inside  out.  '  "  If  it 's  the  ham  you  are  after,  just 
drop  your  vile  emetic  into  that  bandbox,  and  the  ham  will 
appear." 

Augusta  tore  off  the  cover,  and  the  first  thing  I  heard  her 
say  \?as : 

"  Mercy  on  us  !     My  best  bonnet  is  ruined ! " 

Thus  easily  could  she  forget  my  troubles,  and  pay  atten 
tion  to  a  mere  matter  of  personal  adornment. 

How  often  have  I  observed  the  inconsistency  of  woman ! 

My  recovery  was  not  speedy,  for  there  were  many  violated 
laws  lying  around  loose  in  my  physical  constitution. 

Through  all  my  sickness,  I  never  once  prayed  to  get  well. 
I  am  too  much  of  a  philosopher.  Reason  teaches  me  that 
Nature  finds  it  necessary  to  adopt  the  same  means  in  repair 
ing  a  man  that  we  adopt  in  repairing  a  dilapidated  house. 
She  tears  him  all  to  pieces,  and  then  puts  him  together  as 


150  MY  WIFE'S  POOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

best  she  can.  Instead  of  being  thankful  for  this  important 
service,  we  cry  out  because  of  our  suffering  It  is  thus  of 
all  chastening.  Chasten  is  from  castus,  meaning  chaste. 
Who  would  not  be  made  chaste  ?  Many  a  man  has  to  be 
chased  from  sin  with  the  chastening  rod  of  love  before  he 
can  become  chaste. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

NEGLECTED  DUTIES. 

I  AROSE  early  one  morning,  and  ordered  Bridget  to  get 
me  a  good  breakfast,  as  I  had  an  editorial  brewing  in 
my  brain,  and  was  anxious  to  go  to  my  office. 

"Fath,"  said  she,  "  an'  thar  haint  nottin  in  th'  house  that 
er  blissid  man  ken  ate !  " 

"  How  is  that  ?  "  said  I.  "  Have  n't  1  been  bringing  stuff 
home  all  summer  ?  What 's  become  of  it  ? " 

"  Phativer  has  coom  ter  this  place  is  cooked  an'  aten,  as 
I'm  an  honest  woman.  Sure,  an'  it's  not  th'  loikes  of  er 
gintleman  of  your  sthripe  to  entimate  that  1  wud  sthale." 

"  But  there  must  be  enough  in  the  house  for  breakfast — 
anything,  get  anything.  I  am  in  a  great  hurry." 

"  'Pon  me  soul,  thar  haint  nottin  in  th'  hul  mansion  but 
er  bit  er  salt  an'  er  doozen  aigs." 

"  A  dozen  eggs !  Why,  that 's  a  breakfast  for  a  king. 
There  is  nothing  in  the  world  I  like  better.  Cook  them  at 
once ;  and  mind,"  I  added,  "  as  she  was  shuffling  toward  the 
kitchen,  "that  you  boil  them  soft." 

This  order  given,  I  settled  back  in  an  easy  chair,  and  was 
soon  absorbed  on  my  forthcoming  editorial,  namely :  "  Why 
is  horse-radish  called  7w>rse-radish,  when  it  neither  looks  like 
a  horse  nor  tastes  like  one  ? "  My  intention  was  to  make 
something  of  a  national  reputation,  and  largely  increase  the 

(151) 


152 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


circulation  of  my  paper  by  a  learned  and  elaborate  treat 
ment  of  that  important  subject. 

I  had  been  cudgeling  my  brain  over  it  about  half  an  hour, 
when  I  received  a  telegram  from  my  stomach,  suggesting 
that  I  had  not  yet  had  my  breakfast. 

"  Bridget,"  I  cried,  "  what  is  the  matter  ?  " 


"THE  DIVIL  is  IN  TH'  AIGS." 

"The  divil  is  in  th'  aigs!"  answered  that  innocent. 
"I've  biled  'em  till  th'  shtove  is  red-hot,  an'  they  liaint 
soft  yit." 

"  Bring  them  on,  this  minute !  "  I  roared. 

She  brought  them  on,  and  I  began  on  them. 

"  I  should  judge  they  are  not  soft  yet,"  said  I,  trying 
vainly  to  hammer  one  into  fragments.  You  have  boiled 


NEGLECTED   DUTIES.  153 

them  till  they  are  petrified.  Why,  they  are  actually  a  curi 
osity.  I  shall  write  an  editorial  on  them.  I  never  knew 
before  that  protracted  and  intense  heat  would  produce  such 
a  marvelous  change  in  an  egg.  It 's  a  new  discovery." 

While  thus  soliloquizing,  my  wife  appeared  on  the  scene. 

"  What  are  you  doing  with  those  eggs  ?"  she  inquired. 

"  Trying  to  eat  them,  my  dear.  There  is  nothing  else  for 
breakfast,  and  I  am  as  hungry  as  a  bear." 

"Did  I  ever? "she  exclaimed.  "Those  are  nothing  but 
artificial  nest  eggs.  They  are  some  you  got  for  advertising 
a  china  store." 

"Augusta,"  said  I,  peevishly,  "you  see  to  what  straits  I 
am  driven  in  order  to  hint  to  you  that  you  are  not  the  most 
careful  housewife  that  could  be  desired.  It  was  your  place 
to  have  looked  after  the  larder,  and  to  have  known  that 
there  was  nothing  in  the  house  that  a  starving  man  could 
digest." 

"  I  did  look  after  the  larder,"  she  replied,  "  and  I  was  not 
ignorant  of  its  condition." 

"  So  much  the  worse,  since  you  did  not  allow  your  knowl 
edge  to  have  any  effect." 

"  Did  you  expect  me  to  take  the  six  babies  in  my  arms, 
and  go  myself  to  obtain  provisions  ?  Have  you  not  warned 
me  repeatedly  not  to  trust  the  darlings  with  nurses  ?  " 

"  Now  you  are  trying  to  aggravate  me.  It  was  your  place 
to  have  told  me  what  condition  things  were  in." 

"  August,  I  told  you  at  least  eight  times  yesterday  that 
we  were  out  of  everything.  The  last  thing  I  said  when  you 
left  the  house  was,  '  Please,  do  not  forget  the  groceries  nor 
the  meat.' " 

"  Perhaps  it  was  the  last  thing  you  said ;  but  why  do  you 

always  give  your  instructions  when  I  am  in  a  perfect  fever 
10 


154  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

of  cogitation  over  an  editorial  ?  Why  don't  you  speak  of  such 
things  at  some  other  time  than  when  I  am  just  going  away 
in  a  hurry  ?  If  ever  I  marry  again,  I  will  have  a  woman 
who  has  been  in  the  newspaper  business.  Then  she  can 
sympathize  with  me.  She  will  know  that  a  person  can't 
think  of  everything  at  once,  and  work  out  four  columns  of 
reading  matter  at  the  same  time.  Business  before  pleasure 
is  a  rule  which  you  don't  seem  to  grasp.  Try  for  a  minute 
to  put  yourself  in  my  place.  Twenty  or  thirty  pages  of 
manuscript  must  be  prepared  for  the  next  issue.  I  select  a 
subject,  and  put  it  into  my  brain,  where  it  is  surrounded  by 
phosphorus,  and  pretty  soon  it  takes  fire  and  begins  to 
burn.  In  course  of  an  hour  or  two,  the  flames  are  raging. 
All  the  boys-  of  the  fire  department  in  New  York  City  would 
fail  to  control  them.  Just  as  the  mighty  conflagration  of 
thought  has  reached  its  highest  development,  a  little  woman 
approaches,  and  carelessly  says,  '  August,  won't  you  order  a 
pound  of  dried  apples  ? '  I  forget  the  dried  apples,  of 
course.  It  would  be  beneath  the  dignity  of  any  purely  lit 
erary  man  not  to  forget  them.  I  should  be  doing  injustice 
to  The  Farmer's  Guide  by  remembering  them.  Then  comes 
that  same  woman,  and  says,  '  August,  my  dear,  you  are  so 
absent-minded !  I  do  wish  you  would  be  more  thoughtful ! ' ' 

Augusta  was  pained.  She  began  to  accuse  herself  of 
being  a  hindrance  to  me  in  my  profession. 

I  saw  then  that  I  was  a  wretch.  I  was  always  trying  to 
convince  my  wife  that  she  was  in  the  wrong ;  yet,  whenever 
I  succeeded,  and  she  broke  down  and  confessed,  I  felt 
meaner  than  dirt.  Such  a  victory  is  not  worth  what  it 
costs. 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  "  you  are  all  the  world  to  me,  my  first, 
last,  and  only  love." 


NEGLECTED    DUTIES. 


155 


Then  we  had  a  kiss  or  two  for  breakfast. 

Still,  I  was  hungry. 

"I  will  get  my  breakfast  down  town  this  morning,"  said 
I,  putting  on  my  hat. 

Where  Augusta  was  to  get  hers  never  entered  my  addled 

brain.  She  acted 
strangely,  as  I  was 
taking  my  leave,  as 
though  she  could  not 
let  me  go  without 
telling  me  something. 
Twice  she  called  me 
back,  each  time  apol- 


HER  OPPORTUNITY. 


ogizing,   with  the  remark,  "  Oh,  it  is  of  no  consequence." 
"You  are  troubled,"  I  said,  "  and  I  must  know  the  cause, 

or  I  shall  not  be  able  to  do  a  stroke  of  work  to-day." 
Still  she  hesitated. 
"  Tell  me,  darling,  what  it  is,"  I  said,  pleadingly. 


156  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  August,  are  you  laboring  now  with  an  editorial  ?  " 

"  No,  dear,  my  mind  has  fallen  into  a  great  vacant  pit — 
the  pit  of  my  stomach." 

"Then  may  I  ask  you  to  order  something  for  dinner?" 

"  Certainly ;  and  I  will  order  something  for  dinner  just  as 
soon  as  I  have  been  to  the  restaurant  and  ordered  some 
thing  for  breakfast." 

"  But  is  there  not  danger  of  your  becoming  absorbed  in 
your  newspaper  work  as  soon  as  your  hunger  is  appeased  ? " 

"  Yes,  dear,  there  is  some  danger  to-day,  because  I  have 
got  to  take  hold  of  the  great  question,  <  Why  is  horse-radish 
called  horse-radish,  when  it  does  not  look  like  a  horse,  or 
taste  like  one?'" 

"  Will  you  let  me  tie  a  string  around  your  finger,  so  that 
it  will  remind  you  that  we  must  have  something  for  dinner  ? " 
she  inquired. 

"  Certainly." 

She  tied  the  string  pretty  tight. 

I  got  my  breakfast  at  the  first  chop-house ;  and  because 
it  cost  me  over  two  dollars,  I  resolved  to  be  economical  for 
a  time,  and  therefore  I  walked  all  the  way  to  my  office 
rather  than  pay  five  cents  horse-car  fare.  During  the  jaunt, 
1  got  mightily  wrought  up  over  the  radish  question.  I  had 
got  as  far  as  showing  that,  in  reality,  the  horse-radish  does 
not  shed  its  coat  like  a  horse,  when  I  felt  my  finger  pain 
ing  me. 

"Oh,  yes!"  I  soliloquized,  observing  the  string,  which 
was  doing  its  work,  "  I  believe  wife  said  something  about 
dinner,"  and,  in  an  absent-minded  sort  of  way,  for  I  did  not 
want  to  break  the  thread  of  my  radish  argument,  I  stepped 
into  a  shop  and  ordered  three  dozen  dressed  chickens. 

After  a  while,  I  forgot  the  transaction,  even  if  I  had 


NEGLECTED   DUTIES. 


157 


really  known  anything  about  it ;  and  when  again  the  finger 
hurt  me,  I  had  just  sense  enough  to  order  a  leg  of  lamb. 
At  least,  I  probably  intended  to  say  "  lamb,"  for  I  am  very 
fond  of  it ;  but  it  turned  out,  on  delivery,  to  be  a  leg  of 
beef. 

By  the  time  I  arrived  at  Newspaper  Row,  I  had  fully 
solved  the  minor  problem,  to  wit,  why  the  horse  likes  water, 


DOING  ITS  WORK. 

and  the  horse-radish  vinegar ;  but  what  other  work  I  had 
done  the  while,  I  had  no  very  clear  conception.  I  don't 
possess  the  happy  faculty  of  thinking  of  two  things  at  once, 
and  applying  judgment  to  both. 

I  came  to  my  senses  later  in  the  day,  when  I  reached 
home. 

"  Have  you  invited  a  regiment  to  dinner  ? "  inquired  my 
wife,  exhibiting  symptoms  of  alarm. 


158  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Invited  noljody,"  I  answered. 

"What  does  this  mean?  "she  asked,  as  my  astonished 
gaze  rested  on  a  prodigious  amount  of  fish  and  meat,  poul 
try  and  clams. 

"  I  believe  you  tied  a  string  around  my  finger,  did  n't  you, 
for  the  purpose  of  jogging  my  memory  ?" 

"Yes,  August." 

"  And  it  strikes  me,  Augusta,  that  the  string  did  its  work 
pretty  effectually.  How  does  it  strike  you,  my  dear  ? " 

My  dear  was  silent. 

She  has  since  told  me  that,  while  she  is  forced  to  admire 
the  great  things  which  I  am  always  performing,  she  should 
prize  me  more  highly  if  I  would  not  be  so  negligent  of  little 
things. 

She  says  that  the  great  roots  of  a  tree  absorb  no  nourish 
ment,  and  that  the  plant  would  soon  die  were  it  not  for  the 
numberless  and  almost  invisible  rootlets  which  permeate 
the  soil.  She  means  by  this,  that  I  ought  to  be  more  heed 
ful  of  the  little  delicate  fibers  through  which  domestic  hap 
piness  flows  into  our  matrimonial  tree. 

Perhaps  she  is  right.  After  all,  little  things  are  our  only 
real  enemies.  There  are  men  who  could  face  a  tempest  all 
day  who  would  die  if  a  little  draft  should  squeeze  through  a 
window  crack,  and  strike  them  on  the  head.  Great  issues 
on  which  national  existence  depends,  questions  which  affect 
the  destiny  of  millions,  scarcely  give  us  an  additional  heart 
beat,  while  the  trifling  breezes  of  our  home,  church,  or 
neighborhood  almost  cause  us  to  give  up  the  ghost. 


CHAPTER   XIV. 

ENTERING  SOCIETY. 

A  NOTHER  harvest  had  been  gathered,  and  the  crops 
~L\-  were  exceedingly  fine,  owing  partly  to  sun-spots,  but 
mostly  to  The  Farmer's  Guide. 

As  a  result,  my  subscription-list  grew  larger  anfl.  larger, 
so  much  money  coming  in  that  I  began  to  feel  like  an 
Indian  agent,  or  an  absconding  cashier.  Allow  me  to  men 
tion,  for  it  is  a  remarkable  coincidence,  that  it  was  about 
this  time  when  "  good  society  "  discovered  that  Augusta  and 
I  were  in  New  York. 

One  chilly  evening  in  September,  I  came  home  from  my 
office  to  find  my  wife  a  little  flurried.  We  had  actually 
received  a  gilt-edged  invitation  to  a  grand  dinner  party,  to 
be  given  that  very  evening  by  General  Cradle  and  wife  at 
their  palatial  residence  on  Fifth  Avenue. 

"  I  '11  not  go  a  step,"  said  I,  "  for  the  invitation  comes  so 
late  that  it  is  not  entitled  to  any  respect,  and  there  is  no 
time  to  get  ready," 

"  So  I  fear,"  answered  Augusta,  "  but  it  is  all  your  fault. 
The  invitation  is  a  week  old,  and  it  was  only  by  accident 
that  I  discovered  it,  still  unopened,  among  a  lot  of  old  let 
ters  with  which  you  have  been  trying  to  stop  up  a  rat-hole 
in  the  bath-room.  Such  carelessness  will  be  the  ruin  of  us 

(159) 


160  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HIISBAND. 

yet.  It  might  have  been  a  check,  or  a  post-office  order. 
As  it  is,  the  case  is  quite  bad  enough.  This  invitation  is 
fraught  with  great  consequences.  It  was  to  be  our  intro 
duction  to  society.  Other  invitations  would  have  followed. 
Your  reputation,  influence,  and  perhaps  fortune,  would 
have  come  in  quick  succession.  Now  all  these  things — 

"Were  employed  to  stop  up  a  rat-hole,"  said  I.  "But, 
Augusta,  you  have  shown  so  clearly  what  we  are  to  lose  by 
staying  away  from  this  party,  that  I  am  determined  to  go. 
Hurry  up,  now !  Let  us  get  ready,  and  be  off." 

«  But  we  shall  be  late." 

"  So  much  the  more  fashionable." 

"  We  "shall  be  unreasonably  late  ! " 

"  That  will  be  your  fault,  Augusta,  for  I  can  attend  wholly 
to  myself,  and  be  ready  in  a  very  few  minutes." 

"  August,  you  never  did  such  a  thing  since  we  were  mar 
ried.  You  never  can  dress  even  for  church  without  calling 
on  me  at  least  half  a  dozen  times  to  assist  you,  and  I  must 
always  look  after  you,  wherever  you  go." 

"  I  wish  you  would  n't  make  such  wild  statements.  Now 
let  us  both  do  our  best,  and  get  ready.  I  warn  you  not  to 
interfere  with  me.  I  am  not  one  of  the  babies,  that  I  must 
have  somebody  put  on  my  bib  and  tucker." 

"  Very  well,  August,  you  shall  not  be  molested,  and  we 
will  each  arrange  our  own  toilet  as  speedily  as  possible." 

We  went  to  work.  Repeatedly  I  had  to  check  myself  in 
the  act  of  asking  Augusta  to  bring  me  this  or  that  article  ; 
but  I  finally  succeeded  in  piling  everything  that  I  thought  I 
should  need  for  making  a  complete  change  of  clothing,  into 
four  or  five  heaps,  occupying  as  many  chairs,  and  nearly  as 
many  rooms.  My  purpose  was  very  strong  to  get  ready 
long  before  Augusta,  and  then  to  amuse  myself  by  asking 


ENTERING   SOCIETY. 


161 


her  fifteen  or  twenty  times  in  succession  if  she  knew  how 
late  it  was  getting,  and  if  she  was  not  afraid  that  the  General 
and  his  wife  would  be  gone  to  bed  when  we  got  there. 

What  encouraged  me  was  that  all  the  babies  were  cross, 
and  every  little  while  Augusta  had  to  stop  and  quiet  one  or 
more  of  them, — generally  more.  Then  she  had  to  do  some 


PREPARING  FOR  COLIC. 


sewing  on  a  flounce,  arrange  a  bouquet  of  artificial  flowers, 
heat  a  curling-iron,  friz  her  hair,  change  the  buttons  on  a 
pair  of  new  shoes,  mend  two  or  three  rips  in  a  pair  of  kid 
gloves,  and  explain  to  the  nurse  what  must  be  done  in  case 
any  of  the  babies  should  get  the  croup,  and  what  other  thing 
must  be  done  if  they  should  be  attacked  with  colic. 


162  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

I  should  have  got  on  finely  had  it  not  been  for  an  idea 
that  attacked  me.  The  idea  was  that  the  next  issue  of 
Ttie  Farmer's.  Guide  should  contain  a  full  description  of 
General  Cradle's  magnificent  hospitality,  groaning  tables, 
honored  guests,  etc.,  etc. 

As  usual,  the  idea  grew  on  me.  I  soon  had  a  great 
chaos  of  literary  lumber  in  my  head,  which  I  was  fated  to 
sort  over  and  arrange,  then  and  there,  whether  I  wanted 
to  or  not.  From  that  moment,  my  hands  dressed  me  with 
out  any  conscious  assistance  of  the  mind.  Nevertheless, 
I  hurried,  because,  having  got  well  started,  the  mere 
momentum  carried  me  on,  and  my  haste  resulted  in  success. 

I  was  ready  a  few  seconds  before  Augusta.  I  had  even 
put  on  my  new  fall  overcoat,  and  buttoned  it  up  to  the  chin ; 
which  I  was  in  the  habit  of  doing  when  going  out  in  the 
evening,  on  account  of  a  sensitive  throat,  which  1  dreaded  to 
expose  to  night  air. 

"  Come,  Augusta,"  exclaimed  I,  "  are  n't  you  ready  yet  ? 
I  have  waited  for  you  until  my  patience  is  entirely 
exhausted.  Do  try  and  hurry  a  little,  or  Mrs.  Cradle  will 
have  her  finery  all  put  away  for  the  night  before  you  get 
yours  on." 

We  ordered  a  carriage,  and  were  off. 

The  guests  were  just  sitting  down  to  dinner  when  we 
arrived. 

Mrs.  Berkeley  was  precipitated  into  one  room,  and  I  into 
another,  that  we  might  get  off  our  wraps  and  join  the  com 
pany  as  soon  as  possible. 

Servants  took  us  down  to  the  dining-room. 

General  Cradle  received  my  wife,  and  Mrs.  Cradle  re 
ceived  me. 

As  we  approached  the  table  in  a  blaze  of  light,  I  observed 


ENTERING   SOCIETY. 


163 


that  my  hostess  looked 
at  me,  and  immediately 
became  very  much  em 
barrassed.  I  knew 
something  was  wrong. 
I  felt  as  uncomfortable 
as  a  fish  out  of  water. 

My  wife  being  direct 
ly  behind  me,  I  turned 
and  whispered  in  her 
ear,  "  Say,  Augusta,  am 
I  all  right?" 

She  gave  me  one  lit 
tle  look,  and  I  thought 
she  would  sink  to  the 
floor. 

"You  have  left  off 
your  collar  and  your 
necktie,  and  your  shirt- 
bosom  is  not  buttoned," 
she  gasped. 

There  I  was. 

The  whole  company 
were  glaring  at  me,  as 
though  I  was  an  es 
caped  lunatic.  The 
ladies  were  suffused 
with  blushes.  Some  of 
them  appeared  insult 
ed  ;  and  yet,  as  I  said 
to  my  wife  when  she  THERE  i  WAS. 

was  leading  me  out  of  the  dining-room,  those  very  ladies 


164 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


had    on  lower-necked  dresses   than   I.     It  was   something 
like  their  own  style  which  I  had  innocently  adopted,  and 

they  thought  it  was  horrid. 
Since  they  could  blush  so 
easily  at  my  appearance,  is 
it  not  strange  that  they  could 
look  unblushingly  in  a  mirror  ? 
There  was  old  Miss  Slimp- 
skite,  for  example,  a  spinster 
not  less  than  six  feet  perpen 
dicular,  and  scarcely  anything 
horizontal.  She  actually  had 
the  impudence  to  utter  a  little 
screech  when  she  caught 
sight  of  my  somewhat  ex 
tended  throat,  and  yet  her 
own  scrawny  neck  of  skin  and 


MISS    SLIMPSKITE. 


bones  was  bare  to  all  eyes. 

What  slaves  we  are  to  fashion ! 

When  Augusta  says  of  a  certain  fit,  or  misfit,  that  "  it  is 
all  the  style,"  no  amount  of  denunciation  or  ridicule  can  kill 
it  until  it  has  had  its  day,  after  which  nothing  can  keep  it 
alive. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

MISCHIEVOUS  SNUFF. 

IN  some  unaccountable  way,  on  the  evening  of  General 
Cradle's  dinner-party,  I  took  a  severe  cold.     Nothing 
would  check  it.     Some  one  advised  Turkish  baths ;   I  tried 
ten   or   twelve,  but  grew  rapidly  worse.     Another  recom 
mended   staying    in    bed 
and  drinking  hot  ginger- 
tea  ;  I  experimented  with 
that.     After  drinking  all 
4_    the  tea  I  could  force  down, 
I  got  under  three  double 


HAPPY   MOMENTS. 


blankets,  to  which  Mrs.  Berkeley  would  occasionally  add 

five  or  six  of  the  babies ;  there  I  stayed  for  three  days  and 

(165) 


166 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF    A    HUSBAND. 


three  nights  —  envying  Jonah   for   having   been  so   much 
more  comfortable  than  myself. 

The  hotter  I  became,  the  more  of  a  cold  I  seemed  to  have. 
I  felt  that  whatever  was  done  must  be  done  quickly,  or 
Father  Time  would  mow  me  down  and  rake  me  up.  So  I 
arose,  dressed  myself,  took  a  little  nourishment  —  nothing 
but  a  can  of  cold  lobster  and  a  piece  of  mince  pie  —  then 
put  on  my  buffalo-skin  overcoat,  and  boldly  sallied  forth  to 
face  the  bleak  noon-day  blasts  of  September.  Indeed,  the 
temperature  was  such  a  contrast  to  what  I  had  just  come 


EXTREMES   MEET. 


out  of,  that  I  felt  chilly,  although  every  lew  minutes  I  met 
somebody  who  told  me  he  had  just  lost  a  friend  by  sun 
stroke,  and  that  he  himself  expected  to  go  next. 

At  last  I  met  a  person  who  changed  the  whole  tenor  of 
my  life.  He  was  a  patent-medicine  man. 

"  You  have  a  cold,"  said  he. 


YOU  HAVE  A  COLD  ' 


MISCHIEVOUS   SNUFF.  169 

"  Much  obliged  to  you  for  the  information,"  said  I. 
"  When  I  go  home  I  will  speak  to  my  wife  about  it." 

"  I  have  got  something  right  here,"  he  observed,  "  that 
will  take  that  cold  entirely  away  before  you  can  get  home." 

"  Do  I  appear  like  a  gull  ? "  I  inquired,  casting  on  him  a 
contemptuous  look. 

"  Hardly." 

"  You  had  better  say  '  hardly.'  No,  sir ;  the  editor  and 
publisher  of  The  Farmer's  Guide  —  two  dollars  and  fifty 
cents  a  year,  in  advance  —  can't  be  duped.  When  I  buy  a 
thing,  I  know  precisely  what  I  am  getting,  or  I  let  it  alone." 

"You  are  just  the  sort  of  man  I  like  to  deal  with," 
exclaimed  he.  "  You  shall  know  what  you  are  purchasing 
and  what  it  can  do,  before  you  pay  me  a  dollar.  This  is  the 
celebrated  Bethsaida  Snuff,  of  which  there  are  only  six 
boxes  in  the  United  States,  and  four  of  them  are  in  my 
possession.  Now  open  your  nostrils  wide,  and  inhale  a 
pinch  of  this  invaluable  remedy.  It  will  cost  you  nothing, 
and  rid  you  immediately  of  what  otherwise  may  prove  fatal." 

I  took  the  snuff  as  directed. 

Charming ! 

But  how  I  did  sneeze ! 

How  sneeze  after  sneeze  followed  each  other  in  quick 
succession,  like  an  immense  drove  of  sheep  going  through 
a  small  gate.  How  I  was  racked,  and  torn,  and  tattered. 
Verily,  I  thought  I  should  sneeze  my  head  off. 

A  crowd  began  to  gather  about  me  to  see  what  was  the 
matter.  Other  crowds  came  to  see  what  that  crowd  was 
doing,  and  long  before  I  was  done  sneezing  I  was  sur 
rounded  by  a  howling  mob.  I  reeked  with  perspiration. 
I  did  not  use  a  word  of  profanity  ;  I  could  n't.  The  sneeze- 
train  had  the  right  of  way,  and  everything  else  had  to  wait. 


170 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


All  things  have  an  end. 

"  How  do  you  feel  ? "  asked  the  patent-medicine  man,  as 
soon  as  there  was  a  prospect  of  making  me  hear  anything. 
"  Mad,"  I  muttered. 
"  How  is  your  head  ?  " 
"  Clear  as  a  bell,  sure  as  I'm  alive  ! " 


"You  acknowledge  then, 
that  the  cold  is  cured  ?  " 

"  Yes  ;  that  trip-hammer 
sneezing  has  pulverized  it 
beyond  recognition." 

"Which  'is    better    than 
taking   poisonous   nostrums 
into  the  stomach,  and  being 
sick  a-bed  for  months,  is  n't  it  ?  " 

"  Sir,"  replied  I,  "  You  are  indeed  a  benefactor  of  your 
race.  How  much  of  this  Bethsaida  snuff  did  you  say  you 
have  on  hand  ?  " 

Only  four  boxes,  one  ounce  to  the  box ;  and  as  you 
are  the  universally  honored  proprietor  of  The  Farmer's 


A  PROTJD  MAN. 


MISCHIEVOUS   SNUFF.  171 

Guide,  and  a  man  of  extraordinary  influence,  I  shall  be 
most  happy  to  let  you  have  the  entire  lot  for  ten  dollars." 

I  relieved  him  of  the  entire  lot. 

Being  a  man  of  good  business  instincts,  he  proceeded 
immediately  to  take  advantage  of  the  crowd  I  had  drawn, 
by  exhibiting  some  patent  soap,  of  which  he  sold  forty  or 
fifty  dollars  worth  before  I  was  out  of  sight.  Undoubtedly 
his  audience  needed  it. 

Proudly  I  went  home.  Augusta  disappointed  me ;  not  a 
bit  enthusiastic  did  she  become  over  my  improved  condition. 

"  The  cold  will  come  on  again,"  said  she. 

"  Suppose  it  does !  Can't  I  level  it  to  the  ground  with 
this  snuff  battery  ?  " 

"  You  will  find  that  there  is  something  wrong  with  that 
snuff,  and  that  you  have  squandered  the  ten  dollars." 

"  Augusta,  I  wish  you  would  n't  always  try  to  depreciate 
my  judgment.  When  I  do  a  good  thing,  why  can't  you  give 
me  credit  for  it  ?  " 

"  We  will  wait,"  said  she. 

In  the  middle  of  the  night,  I  awoke,  feeling  as  though  I 
had  taken  a  new  cold.  However,  I  had  faith  in  the  snuff, 
and  proceeded  immediately  to  utilize  as  large  a  dose  as  I 
could  furnish  lodgings  for. 

Charming,  again. 

Pretty  soon  I  had  my  wife,  the  nurse,  the  house-maid,  and 
the  six  babies  wide  awake.  The  latter  were  frightened,  and 
began  screaming,  with  one  accord.  Bedlam  reigned  su 
preme  ;  even  to  the  disturbance  of  a  number  of  our  neigh 
bors.  But  this  cold  was  finally  mastered  the  same  as  the 
previous  one. 

"  I  told  you  so,"  said  I  to  Augusta,  and  then  fell  into  a 
sweet  sleep  from  which  I  had  no  waking  till  breakfast  time. 
11 


172  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

It  required  about  ten  days  to  get  rid  of  all  the  new  colds 
that  came,  but  complete  victory  finally  perched  on  my 
banner ;  and  I  had  a  whole  box  of  Bethsaida  snuff  left. 

"The  rats  are  destroying  everything  in  the  house,"  said 
my  wife,  as  I  was  starting  out  one  evening  to  do  a  little 
marketing.  "I  wish  you  would  bring  home  some  strong- 
smelling  cheese,  and  I  will  set  a  trap  for  them." 

"Very  well,"  said  I. 

I  visited  several  grocery  stores,  but  could  not  find  any 
cheese  that  had  the  requisite  odor.  The  grocers  brought  on 
the  strongest  they  had,  and  seemed  greatly  surprised  when 
I  told  them  it  had  no  more  smell  than  bass-wood. 

The  trouble  was  this,  although  I  was  entirely  ignorant  of 
the  fact,  that  the  Bethsaida  snuff  had  totally  destroyed  my 
nerves  of  smelling.  So,  like  many  another  grumbler,  I  kept 
finding  fault  with  the  cheese,  when  the  wrong  belonged 
wholly  to  myself. 

"  You  had  better  go  to  Schmidt's,  on  Baxter  street," 
advised  a  merchant,  whose  cheese  I  had  just  refused.  "  He 
keeps  the  strongest  article  in  the  market." 

To  Schmidt's  I  went.  He  owned  a  liquor  saloon,  and 
furnished  a  free-lunch  counter. 

"  I  heard  you  had  some  strong  cheese,"  said  I. 

"Ya,  de  pest  sheeze  in  de  world.  Zoost  you  dry  dat 
Tonce." 

"  This  is  no  better  than  any,"  replied  I,  sniffing  at  the 
sample  he  handed  me. 

"Dat  es  goot  old  Limburger  sheeze." 

"But  there  is  no  smell  to  it." 

"Tunder  and  blixen!  How  much  schmel  does  you 
takes?" 

"  I  want  something  to  catch  rats." 


MISCHIEVOUS   SNUFF. 


173 


"  Oh !  dat's  him,  is  she  ?  Zoost  you  vait  here  teel  I  go 
fotch  soom  sheeze  vat  vill  bleeze  you  werry  goot." 

Thus  saying,  he  went  out  into  the  back  yard,  and  got 
about  a  pound  of  Limburger  cheese  which  had  been  thrown 
away  on  account  of  its  having  driven  off  so  many  customers. 
It  had  been  made  for  a  German  fair,  and  had  taken  the  first 
premium,  on  account  of  its  unprecedented  strength.  It  pos- 


TESTING  THE  ARTICLE. 


sessed  the  peculiarity  of  growing  more  decided  as  it  got 
older,  till  now  its  strength  was  gigantic. 

"  Schmel  of  dat,"  said  Herr  Schmidt,  as  he  handed  me 
the  sample  with  a  pair  of  long  tongs. 

"  I  believe  that  is  a  little  odoriferous,"  I  remarked,  inhal 
ing  a  full  breath.  It  isn't  just  what  my  wife  wants,  but  if  I 
can't  get  anything  stronger,  it  will  have  to  answer." 


174  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Schmidt  smiled  as  he  handed  me  the  package. 

I  put  the  cheese  into  my  overcoat  pocket,  and  started  for 
home. 

Coming  to  the  church  formerly  ministered  to  by  the  Rev. 
Shepherdskin,  but  now  by  the  Rev.  Selah  Brownell,  and  to 
which  Augusta  and  I  were  accustomed  to  go  whenever  we 
went  to  church  anywhere,  I  noticed  that  it  was  lighted  up. 
Then  I  recollected  that  it  was  prayer-meeting  night.  Feel 
ing  an  honest  desire  to  be  benefited  in  my  higher  nature,  I 
entered  the  sanctuary.  The  usual  proportion  of  ladies  and 
gentlemen  were  present — seventy-two  ladies  and  nine  gen 
tlemen,  counting  the  minister  as  one  of  the  gentlemen. 

He  was  engaged  in  one  of  his  complete  prayers.  As  I 
took  my  seat,  he  was  just  entering  Japan.  I  knew  he  had 
to  go  to  China,  India,  Egypt,  Spain,  France,  Germany,  and 
all  the  other  European  nations,  as  well  as  all  the  isles  of  the 
sea,  before  he  would  strike  America ;  and  that  then  he  would 
remember  "Washington,  Albany,  Blackwell's  Island,  and 
Wall  street,  the  congregation  of  dearly-beloved  brethren  and 
sisters  before  him,  and  every  other  person  for  whom  he 
should  pray  in  this  whole  world,  or  in  any  other  world. 

The  Rev.  Brownell  was  too  conscientious  to  slight  any 
part  of  his  work.  His  supplications  were  not  only  elaborate 
in  detail,  but  rich  in  classic  English,  with  here  and  there  a 
sprinkling  of  Latin  and  Greek.  I  had  taken  my  seat 
between  two  elderly  ladies.  In  a  few  minutes,  and  while 
the  pastor  was  devoutly  calling  Heaven's  attention  to  the 
Vatican,  they  had  the  rudeness  to  get  up  and  quietly  move 
into  another  pew.  Then  one  of  the  nine  noiselessly  arose 
and  opened  a  window,  after  which  another  window,  and  still 
another.  Then  somebody  else  opened  a  door.  Pretty  soon 
the  woman  who  was  nearest  to  me  began  to  faint,  and  was 


MISCHIEVOUS   SNUFF. 


175 


carried  out.  All  her  particular  friends  went  out  to  nurse 
her.  Two  other  ladies  were  overcome ;  and  when  they  and 
their  attendants  had  resorted  to  the  vestibule,  there  was  not 
much  left.  The  Rev.  Selah  Brownell  was  the  pastor,  and  I 
was  the  audience. 
I  was  astonished. 


A  DISTURBED   CONGREGATION. 

I  knew  well  enough  that  he  would  also  be  astonished  as 
soon  as  he  opened  his  eyes. 

In  course  of  time  the  prayer  was  finished.  The  first 
thing  the  good  man  said  was,  "  Where  in  the  world  is  my 
congregation  ?  " 

I  felt  humorous ;  and  besides,  I  was  anxious  to  give  him 


176 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


a   hint   that   his  devotions  were  unnecessarily   long,  so   I 
answered : 
"  Quite  likely,  sir,  they  have  gone  home  to  breakfast." 


"  AMEN ! " 

In  his  superabundance  of  native  innocence,  he  anxiously 
consulted  his  watch. 

"It  cannot  be  so  very  late,"  he  remarked.  "What  is  it 
by  your  time  ?  " 

Before  I  had  a  chance  to  reply,  the  redolence  of  my  abom 
inable  Limburger  cheese,  of  whose  very  existence  I  had  for- 


MISCHIEVOUS  SNUFF.  177 

gotten,  and  of  whose  peculiar  nature  I  was  entirely  igno 
rant,  struck  the  pulpit  with  full  force. 

"  What  scent  is  this  ?  "  he  inquired. 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  I.  "  Probably  it  is  one  that  some 
body  brought  for  the  contribution-box." 

"  I  refer,"  said  he,  "  to  an  unspeakably  repulsive  emana 
tion  of  which  my  olfactory  nerves  have  just  taken  full  cog 
nizance." 

"  Perhaps,"  suggested  I,  anxious  to  give  another  hint, 
"  it  comes  from  some  of  those  dead  languages  you  have 
just  been  unearthing." 

He  hastily  pronounced  the  benediction,  and  the  meeting 
was  closed. 

I  resolved  to  go  straight  home,  and  describe  the  affair  to 
Augusta,  and  to  ask  her  to  solve  the  mystery  with  that 
instinct  of  hers. 

To  my  surprise,  she  gave  me  an  indifferent  reception. 

"  "What  is  the  matter  ? "  she  exclaimed.  "  August,  you 
have  been  mobbed.  Your  clothes  are  ruined  with  bad  eggs. 
Don't  come  near  me !  Don't,  I  pray !  How  did  it  happen  ?" 

I  was  stupefied,  disgusted,  vexed. 

"  It  is  no  great  blessing,"  remarked  I,  "  to  be  obliged  to 
live  in  a  world  where  everybody  has  gone  crazy  except 
myself." 

In  a  few  minutes,  the  fumes  of  my  triumphant  Limburger 
struck  the  six  babies  with  telling  effect,  bringing  every  one 
of  them  from  the  pleasant  land  of  Nod  to  a  screeching 
wakefulness. 

After  some  time,  Augusta  became  unconscious  to  the 
existence  of  the  disagreeable  odor,  and  wondered  how  her 
imagination  could  have  so  thoroughly  deceived  her. 

By  a  merciful  provision  of  nature,  all  violently  obnoxious 


178  MY   WIPE'S   FOOL   OP   A   HUSBAND. 

smells  are  self-destructive.  In  course  of  time,  they  tempo 
rarily  destroy  the  very  power  by  which  they  are  recognized. 

I  found  occasion  to  learn  this  interesting  fact  when  I  was 
a  small  boy. 

I  had  set  a  steel  trap  in  what  I  supposed  was  a  wood- 
chuck's  burrow.  The  next  morning,  when  I  visited  it,  my 
nostrils  were  greeted  with  the  most  pronounced  essence  that 
I  had  ever  experienced. 

My  supposed  woodchuck  was  a  black  and  white  creature, 
with  a  bushy  tail,  which  ornamental  structure  he  shook  vig 
orously  and  defiantly  at  me  as  I  approached  him,  while  the 
air  became  filled  with  a  most  penetrating  and  sickening 
odor.  I  endured  it  however  like  a  little  man,  not  blaming 
the  woodchuck  in  the  least ;  for  I  really  had  no  idea  of  the 
source  whence  the  perfume  came,  until  after  a  while  my 
nerves  of  smell  became  so  overpowered  that  they  resigned 
their  office. 

Proudly  I  took  my  spotted,  squirming  woodchuck  by  the — 
ear,  and  started  for  home. 

(Strict  veracity  makes  it  necessary  for  me  to  explain  that 
I  did  not  really  carry  him  by  that  portion  of  his  anatomy 
designated  as  the  "ear,"  but  I  have  substituted  that  word 
just  to  please  Augusta.) 

During  the  first  half-hour,  he  made  lively  use  of  that 
means  of  defence  which  fun-loving  mother  Nature  had  pro 
vided  him ;  but  at  last  he  became  discouraged.  He  had 
never  seen  any  one  like  me  before ;  neither  had  I  ever  met 
a  woodchuck  before.  He  was  astonished ;  so  was  I. 

As  I  climbed  the  garden  fence,  on  the  way  to  the  house,  I 
caught  sight  of  my  father  hoeing  weeds. 

"  0  papa ! "  I  exclaimed,  see  what  a  nice,  fat  woodchuck  I 
have  brought  home  for  dinner ! " 


MISCHIEVOUS   SNUFF. 


179 


My  father  dropped  his  hoe  and  ran  faster  than  I  had  ever 
seen   him   go   before, 
making  some  remarks  on 
the  way,  which  I  failed  to 
catch. 

As  I  walked  in  at  the 
back  door  of  the  kitchen, 
my  mother  went  flying 
and  screaming  through 
the  opposite  door.  Then 
I  strolled  all  through  the, 
house,  still  proudly  hold 
ing  to  my  game,  trying 
to  find  her,  for  I  heard 
her  calling  me,  and  knew 
that  she  wanted  some 
thing. 

No  dwelling  of  man  was 
ever  more  thoroughly  fu 
migated  than  ours.  I 
was  kept  out  of  school 
two  weeks,  during  which 
all  my  clothing  had  to  be 
buried  in  the  earth. 

To  come  back  to  the 
Liniburger  cheese,  we 
learned  through  some  of 
our  neighbors  what  the 
trouble  was.  Every  one 
advised  me  to  destroy  my 
garments;  but  I  remem 
bered  my  boyhood  expe-  OVER  THE  GARDEN  WALL> 


180 


MY   WIPE  S    FOOL   OF    A    HUSBAND. 


rience,  and  adopted  a  more  economical  plan.  I  hired  a 
man  for  four  dollars  to  take  them  over  to  New  Jersey,  and 
bury  them  in  deep  earth. 

Ten  days  later,  I  sent  him  again  to  see  how  they  were 
doing;  but  he  came  back  with  the  sad  intelligence  that  some 
tramp  had  dug  them  up  and  carried  them  away. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

A  SUMMER  EXCURSION". 

HE  next  summer,  we  had  some  very  hot  weather,  and 
JL  Augusta  suggested  that  we  take  the  children  and  go 
into  the  country  for  a  few  days  recreation.  She  felt  the 
need  of  a  change  of  air,  and  I  also  was  pining  for  recupera 
tion,  although  I  was  able  to  sit  up  and  take  nourishment. 

"I  shall  be  satisfied  with  any  arrangement  for  a  short  trip 
which  you  may  make,"  said  Augusta,  "  if  you  will  only 
study  economy." 

My  wife  was  always  urging  economy,  economy,  just  as 
though  I  did  not  practice  the  most  rigid  economy  always. 
I  kept  only  one  white  monkey,  and  almost  constantly  deprived 
myself  of  its  company,  simply  because  it  was  cheaper  to  board 
it  out  than  it  would  have  been  to  repair  the  damages  which 
would  have  resulted  from  keeping  it  at  home. 

"Augusta,"  said  I.  as  I  came  home  to  dinner  one  day. 
"  I  have  laid  out  our  trip." 

"  How  much  will  the  tickets  cost  ? "  was  the  first  question 
she  asked,  as  though  that  was  of  the  most  importance. 

"  I  have  not  sold  out  my  newspaper  business  for  the  sake 
of  a  little  vacation,"  I  replied,  somewhat  irritated  at  her 
implied  lack  of  confidence  in  my  financial  judgment. 

"  Where  have  you  decided  to  go  ? "  she  inquired. 

"To    Central   Islip,  a   healthful    little    village   on   Long 

Island." 

(181) 


182  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

She  seemed  disappointed. 

"You  told  me  to  study  economy,"  I  continued,  "and  it 
occurred  to  me  that  Central  Islip  would  be  more  conducive 
to  that  virtue  than  either  Saratoga  or  Long  Branch." 

*•  When  are  we  going  ?  " 

"  To-morrow  morning." 

••  We  can't  possibly  get  ready  in  so  short  a  time." 

"Oh,  yes,  we  can,  Augusta.  I  am  all  ready  now  except 
shaving." 

"  But  it  will  be  a  sight  of  work  to  prepare  for  taking  all 
the  children." 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  "  why  do  you  speak  so  impulsively  ? 
The  children  can  be  got  ready  in  twenty  minutes/' 

She  did  not  argue  the  point  any  further,  but  submitted 
resignedly. 

"What  time  to-morrow  morning  does  our  train  leave?" 
she  presently  asked. 

"That  is  where  we  have  the  advantage,"  I  replied.  "The 
trains  can  go  when  they  get  ready.  I  have  engaged  a  livery 
team.  It  probably  will  not  cost  over  six  dollars  a  day,  and 
I  do  not  intend  to  be  gone  over  a  week." 

Augusta  did  not  smile. 

'•  You  see,"  I  continued,  "  my  object  was  to  get  even  with 
the  Long  Island  Railroad  corporation.  It  has  refused  to 
insert  its  advertisement  in  The  Farmer's  Guide,  and  the 
only  way  in  which  I  can  resent  the  affront  is  to  withdraw 
my  patronage. 

"  Who  is  going  to  drive  the  horses  ? "  asked  my  wife, 
manifesting  slight  alarm. 

I  felt  that  the  question  was  an  unnecessary  reflection,  and 
answered  accordingly. 

"  The  twins,  of  course." 


SIIOWINC  Til  KM  HOW. 


A   SUMMER    EXCURSION.  185 

She  did  not  pursue  the  subject  further.  I  suppose  her 
conscience  reproved  her. 

It  was  nearly  noon  the  next  day  before  she  had  the  chil 
dren  ready  to  start.  Why  it  took  her  so  long,  I  can't,  for  the 
life  of  me,  see.  I  knew  it  made  her  a  little  nervous  to  have 
me  keep  asking  what  became  of  her  spare  time;  and,  as  I 
was  particularly  anxious  that  we  should  both  get  off  feeling 
good-natured,  I  kept  mum,  only  remarking,  as  she  picked  up 
the  last  baby  and  left  the  house,  "  My  dear,  is  it  possible 
that  you  are  ready  so  soon  ?  " 

We  started.  Augusta  and  I  occupied  the  front  seat  of 
the  carriage,  she  having  the  two  youngest  babies  on  her  lap, 
while  the  other  four  were  given  the  back  seat,  with  the 
privilege  of  sitting  on,  or  lying  under  it,  as  their  own  sweet 
wills  might  elect. 

My  horses  were  high-spirited,  and  I  felt  quite  proud  of  my 
management  of  them,  as  I  drove  through  Broadway  without 
a  smash-up. 

Augusta  cordially  acknowledged  that  I  did  well,  and  I 
appreciated  her  fine  judgment  more  than  ever. 

Late  in  the  afternoon,  we  reached  Hinsdale,  and  stopped 
at  a  farm-house  to  get  water  for  the  horses  and  milk  for  the 
youngsters. 

Happening  to  see  a  Farmer's  Guide  lying  on  the  sitting- 
room  table,  I  realized  at  once  that  we  were  with  a  people 
possessing  good  sense,  excellent  taste,  and  lofty  intelligence. 

Accordingly,  I  made  haste  to  introduce  myself  as  the  editor 
of  that  valuable  paper,  to  which,  I  had  no  reason  to  doubt, 
they  could  trace  a  large  share  of  their  agricultural  success. 

It  being  their  busy  season,  and  they  were  haying,  I  offered 
to  pitch  on  a  load  ;  which  services  were  gladly  accepted. 
The  hay  was  a  little  green  and  heavy,  and  so  was  I. 


186 


MY  WIFE  S    FOOL   OF    A    HUSBAND. 


At  the  first  plunge  of  the  pitch-fork,  I  got  hold  of  an 
entire  hay-cock,  and  quickly  threw  it  upon  the  wagon. 
This  elicited  great  applause  from  all  the  farm  hands ;  and 
my  wife,  who  was  an  interested  spectator,  confessed  that 
she  had  never  seen  anything  like  it 
in  all  her  life,  and  that  she  had  no 
idea  I  possessed  such  a  wealth  of 
physical  strength.  This  encouraged 
me,  and  I  resolved  to  astonish  the 
natives.  I  like  to 
"  show  off,"  espe 
cially  before  Au 
gusta.  Now  was 
my  opportunity  to 
let  these  simple 
country  folks  see 
what  the  editor  of 
The  Farmer's 
Guide  knew  about 
haying.  Every 
one  of  them  stop- 
ped  their  own 
work  to  look  at 
me.  Some  laugh 
ed,  some  shouted 
with  delight;  but 
all  united  in  pay 
ing  me  flattering 
compliments.  I  am  fond  of  compliments.  They  act  as  a 
powerful  tonic  on  my  ambition. 

Before  I   had  pitched   up  half  a  dozen   cocks,  the  man 
who  had  been  trying  to  load  was  completely  buried  out  of 


A  CHILD  S  TOY. 


A    SUMMER    EXCURSION. 


187 


sight.  I  shouted  to  him  to  climb  the  pole.  (There  was  a 
tall  pole  attached  to  the  front  of  the  hay-rack,  to  build  the 
load  by.) 

At  the  seventh  cock  I  broke  the  fork-handle  in  two. 
"  Look  here  !  "  I  exclaimed,  "  why  do  you  give  a  man  such 
a  child's  toy  as  this  to  work  with  ?     It  might  answer  very 
well  in  the  kitchen  to  toast  bread  on,  but — " 

My  remarks 
were  interrupted 
by  peals  of  laugh 
ter. 

Amid  rousing 
cheers  and  intense 
enthusiasm  anoth 


er  and  much  larger 
fork  was  placed  in  my  hands. 
Augusta  confessed  her  de 
light.  Two  of  the  men  or 
dered  me  to  put  down  their 
names  for  The  Farmer's 
Guide. 

By  this  time  the  man  on 
the  wagon  had  succeeded  in 
working  his  way  to  the  top 
of  the  load. 

Once  more  I  buckled  down  to  the  work.  Haycock  after 
haycock  flew  through  the  air  like  mad.  Up  went  a  huge 
rattlesnake,  and  down  from  the  load  tumbled  the  man,  well- 
nigh  frightened  out  of  his  wits. 

The  owner  of  the  farm  assured  me  that  it  was  the  first 
rattlesnake  he  had  seen  in  those  parts  for  twenty  years. 
"  The  probability  is,"  said  I,  "  that  under  ordinary  circum- 


CHANGING  PLACES. 


188 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


stances  the  snakes  have  plenty  of  time  to  make  their  escape 
before  a  pitch-fork  reaches  them."  [Tremendous  applause.] 

The  farmer  was  so  delighted  that  he  kept  me  and  my 
family  and  the  livery  horses  all  night,  and  would  not  take  a 
cent  in  return. 

But  my  story  is  not  all  told.     The  worst  is  to  come. 

Next  morning  when  I  awoke  I  discovered  that  I  had  been 
changed  in  the  course  of  the  night  for  somebody  else.  Both 


SALT  AND  ALCOHOL. 


my  hands  were  badly  blistered ;  my  elbows  had  no  joint-oil ; 
and  my  back  seemed  to  have  but  one  bone,  which,  under  the 
circumstances,  was  most  decidedly  one  too  many. 

"  What  is  the  matter  ?  "  anxiously  inquired  my  wife,  after 
I  had  made  several  ineffectual  attempts  to  get  out  of  bed. 

"  It  must  be  the  rheumatism,"  said  I.  "  This  climate 
does  not  agree  with  me." 


A   SUMMER   EXCURSION. 

Augusta  went  down  stairs  and  borrowed  a  bottle  of  lini 
ment,  the  half  of  which  she  rubbed  into  me,  before  I  was 
able  to  get  my  boots  on. 

"  How  do  you  feel  this  morning  ? "  inquired  the  farmer 
and  his  men,  as  we  sat  down  to  breakfast. 

"  Splendid !  "  said  I.  "  Never  better  in  my  life  !  Does 
me  good  to  amuse  myself  with  a  little  light  work." 

My  wife  was  surprised.     So  was  my  conscience ;  and  it 


DOING  THEIR  LEVEL  BEST. 

took  two  weeks  for  that  troubled  member  of  my  system  to 
return  to  its  usual  calm  state. 

After  breakfast  we  resumed  our  journey. 

The  men  had  fed  our  horses  with  large  rations  of  oats, 
which  made  them  feel  so  lively  that  they,  too,  had  a  mind 
12 


190  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

to  "  show  off."  I  am  not  sure  that  their  oats  had  not  been 
soaked  in  whisky. 

How  we  flew ! 

What  little  strength  I  had  left  was  soon  exhausted  in 
attempting  to  reduce  our  speed  to  the  demands  of  reason 
able  safety. 

"  It  is  no  use  !  "  I  cried  in  despair.  "  My  rheumatism  is 
so  bad  I  can't  hold  them." 

Then  we  changed  off.  I  held  the  babies, — those  which 
had  not  been  assorted  and  stowed  away  in  the  hind  end  of 
the  carriage, — while  Augusta  drove.  Indeed,  she  did  drive. 

There  had  been  a  shower  some  time  in  the  night,  which 
left  the  road  covered  with  about  half  an  inch  of  mud.  This 
the  horses  gathered  on  their  feet  as  they  went,  and  plastered 
us  with  it,  right  and  left,  babies  and  all.  Then  the  scream 
ing  began.  Every  baby  did  its  level  best. 

I  saw  that  Augusta  had  taken  too  large  a  contract,  so  I 
dropped  the  children  into  a  promiscuous  heap,  and  we  both 
drove. 

All  the  natives  along  the  road  stared  with  wide  open 
mouths  as  we  passed  by. 

At  last  we  struck  a  little  bridge  and  went  to  pieces.  The 
stream  of  water  and  the  bed  of  soft  mud  into  which  we  were 
thrown  undoubtedly  saved  our  bones,  if  not  our  lives.  The 
horses  reserved  the  forward  wheels  of  the  carriage  for 
their  own  use,  and  went  on,  just  the  same  as  though 
nothing  had  happened,  only  a  little  more  so. 

The  first  tiling  Augusta  did  was  to  strip  every  baby  of 
every  rag,  to  see  if  it  had  met  with  any  bodily  injury. 
Nothing  was  discovered  worse  than  black  and  blue  spots,  of 
which  there  were  too  many  to  mention. 

After  dressing  the  little  darlings  she  sat  down  on  a  log, 


A   SUMMER   EXCURSION. 


191 


took  a  good  look  at  the  wreck,  considered  the  plight  we 
were  in,  and  began  to  cry. 

"  I  told  you  so !  "  she  sobbed. 

As  a  matter  of  fact,  she  had  not  told  me  so ;  but  I  readily 
forgave  her  the  innocent  fabrication,  considering  some 
remarks  I  myself  had  made  con-  *&« 

cerning  the  cause  of  my  lame  back. 

Although  I  was  sincere  in  my 
desire  to  comfort  the  poor  woman, 
I  really  could  not  kiss  her,  for  her 
face  was  already  occupied,  and  I 
had  mud  enough  of  my 
own  without  borrowing. 


STRANDED. 


We  were  in  a  piece  of  woods,  not  a  house  in  sight. 

Under  such  circumstances,  we  concluded  to  adopt  the 
tactics  of  Micawber,  and  wait  for  something  to  turn  up. 

In  course  of  an  hour,  an  honest  farmer  turned  up.  He 
was  afoot  and  alone.  We  learned  from  him  that  the  near- 


192 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


est  house  was  two  miles  away.  I  engaged  his  services  to 
help  us  carry  the  babies,  and  we  set  out  to  walk  to  the  house 
in  question. 

We  had  gone,  perhaps,  half  a  mile,  when  my  wife,  who 
had  been  bringing  up  the  rear,  suddenly  cried  out : 

"August,  how    many  babies 
have  you  got  ?  " 

"I  have  a  whole  one,  I  replied. 

"And   how  many  has    that 
other  man  ? " 

"  Two,"  said  he. 

"And  /have  two,"  ad 
ded  Augusta,  her  voice 
trembling  with  alarm. 

"That  makes 
only  five,"  I 
remarked. — 

• 

"Where  can 
the  other  one 
be?" 

" Where  0M#fa 
it  to  be?  "cried 
my  wife,  look 
ing  at  me  with 
a  somewhat 
withering  gaze. 

She  might 
have  added  unpleasant  words,  but  she  refrained. 

We  took  an  inventory  of  stock,  to  ascertain  what  baby 
was  missing,  and  found  that  it  was  my  wife's  departed  sis 
ter's  child. 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  "  are  you   sure  you  took  that   baby 


TAKING   AN   INVENTORY. 


A   SUMMER   EXCURSION. 


along  when   we   left  home?     I   don't    remember    having 
noticed  it  since  then." 

Augusta  pressed  her  lips  very  closely  together,  and  pre 
served  a  dignified  silence.  I  knew  then  that  she  had  respect 
for  my  feelings,  and  was  making  a  strong  effort  not  to 
wound  them.  If  there  is  a  perfect  Christian  in  the  world, 
my  wife  is  the  woman.  However,  I  could  not  forget  that 
she  had  asked  me,  before 
leaving  home,  who  was 
going  to  drive  the  horses. 

We  all  went  back  to 
the  place  where  the  acci 
dent  had  occurred,  and 
there,  soundly  asleep  in 
the  shadow  of  a  great 
log,  was  the  lost  child. 
I  kissed  it,  partly  because 
I  was  really  glad  to  see 
its  sweet  face  again,  and 
partly  on  Augusta's  ac 
count.  I  felt  that  she  had 
suffered  enough  through 
my  thoughtless  acts  and 
more  thoughtless  words, 
and  I  was  determined  to 
do  everything  in  my  pow 
er  to  make  atonement. 

"We  retraced  our  steps,  and  in  due  time  reached  the  house 
to  which  we  had  before  started. 

The  next  morning,  Augusta  said  she  had  had  sufficient 
recreation;  so  we  took  the  cars,  and  returned  to  New  York. 

The  horses  were  afterwards  found ;  so  I  had  nothing  to 


THE  LOST,  FOUND. 


194  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

pay  for  except  the  carriage,  and  was  comparatively  happy. 
Comparatively,  I  may  well  say  ;  for  he  who  seeks  more  than 
this  will  find  himself  in  pursuit  of  the  rainbow. 

Happiness  is  like  the  fire-fly,  which  cannot  be  seen  except 
when  on  the  wing.  It  is  like  an  April  snowflake,  disappear 
ing  the  moment  it  rests.  It  is  like  a  ray  of  sunlight,  beau 
tiful  within  an  open  casket,  but  ready  to  perish  the  instant 
the  cover  is  shut  down.  It  is  like  a  tender  bird,  full  of  life 
while  free,  but  dying  in  the  hand  that  would  hold  it  fast. 
It  is  like  a  flame,  which  will  perpetually  burn  only  on  condi 
tion  that  new  fuel  shall  be  perpetually  added.  Did  any  one 
ever  have  two  unbroken  hours  of  unalloyed  happiness,  even 
while  on  a  vacation  ?  I  had  fifteen  minutes  of  it  when  I 
pitched  on  the  load  of  hay;  but  I  would  not  pay  what  it 
cost,  and  take  it  again. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

THE  FUNNY  COLUMN. 

next  Sunday  I  went  to  church  with  Augusta.  1 
JL.  was  but  little  edified,  however,  for  the  minister  took 
occasion  to  pass  some  severe  strictures  on  newspaper  men. 
The  queerest  thing  he  said  was,  that  the  "  funny  column  in 
almost  every  paper,  not  excepting  the  religious  press,  was 
most  read,  and  most  demoralizing  of  all."  As  The  Farmer's 
Guide  had  never  had  less  than  five  columns  of  fun,  I  felt 
myself  vituperated  by  this  clerical  onslaught. 

Nevertheless  I  was  not  too  prejudiced  in  my  own  favor  to 
investigate  the  subject,  and  accordingly  next  morning  I 
started  out  for  the  purpose  of  examining  and  cross-examin 
ing  a  few  notorious  hard  cases  among  sinners,  that  I  might 
learn  the  sources  of  their  degradation,  poverty,  and  dirt. 

To  find  just  the  persons  whose  lives  I  had  resolved  to  in 
vestigate,  necessitated  my  visiting  a  liquor  saloon.  Perhaps 
I  ought  to  beg  pardon  of  my  friend,  the  enemy — namely,  tli3 
saloon  keeper,  but  nevertheless  what  I  say  is  true.  His 
business  is  the  magnet  which  draws  together  a  motley  crowd 
of  not  over-nice  people. 

Arriving  at  the  place  in  question,  the  first  person  to  at 
tract  my  attention  was  a  young  man  in  years,  but  old  in 
appearance,  whose  unshapely  person  was  somewhat  distended 
with  beer,  and  whose  jaws  seemed  to  have  taken  a  contract 

(195) 


190  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

to  chew  a  large  quantity  of  plug  tobacco  in  a  very  limited 
time. 

"  Do  you  know,"  said  I,  addressing  him  kindly,  "  that  you 
are  swiftly  shortening  your  life  by  the  habits  you  are  now 
indulging  ?  You  are  endowed  with  reason,  and  to  that  I  ap 
peal  in  trying  to  persuade  you  to  curb  your  appetite  for  these 
poisons.  Think  of  it ;  that  liquid  in  your  glass,  which  you 
call  pure  brandy,  is  a  compound  consisting  of  nearly  seventy 
per  cent,  water,  thirty  per  cent,  alcohol,  and  more  or  less  of 
tannin,  fusil  oil,  acetic  ether,  and  oil  of  neroli.  If  there  is 
any  nourishment  in  that  keg  of  beer  on  which  you  are  sitting, 
you  certainly  cannot  afford  to  buy  it  in  that  form,  for  you 
can  get  an  equal  amount  at  any  bakery  for  ten  cents.  But 
it  is  not  the  food  part  which  you  desire.  Take  the  spirit  out 
of  the  drink,  and  you  would  not  touch  the  insipid  stuff  which 
remains.  And  what  is  this  spirit — this  wonderful  alcohol— 
for  which  a  million  fortunes  are  spent  every  year  ?  It  may 
be  manufactured  from  inorganic  bodies.  The  ingredients  are 
olefiant  gas — which  is  one  of  the  components  of  ordinary 
coal  gas — oil  of  vitriol,  and  water.  Now  I  am  sure  that  you 
and  all  men  would  abstain  from  this  stuff  if  you  realized 
fully  what  it  is.  In  this  respect  chemical  analysis  may  do 
more  for  you  than  the  "Women's  Praying  and  Working 
Band.  And  as  for  tobacco  — " 

"  Hold  on,  boss !  "  cried  my  uneasy  listener, "  that 's  lecture 
enough  for  one  day ;  and  now  I  want  to  show  you  a  little 
item  in  this  morning's  •  paper,  which  is  responsible  for  my 
being  here  at  this  minute,  engaged  as  you  find  me." 

I  took  the  paper  and  read  the  item  which  he  pointed  out 
in  the  "  funny  column,"  as  follows : 

"  Mr.  John  Owens,  who  lately  died  at  Jackson  aged  114,  was  in  some 
respects  a  remarkable  man.  He  blushingly  admitted  that  he  had  used 


THE   FUNNY   COLUMN.  197 

whiskey  since  he  was  ten  years  old,  and  chewed  tobacco  and  smoked 
more  or  less  for  a  hundred  and  three  years." 

I  handed  back  the  paper  in  disgust,  and  scored  one  point 
for  the  preacher. 

My  next  lesson  was  taken  in  New  Jersey.  Happening  into 
the  outskirts  of  Hoboken,  I  overheard  the  screaming  of  a 
young  girl,  indicating  that  she  was  in  mortal  terror.  On 
rushing  to  her  rescue,  I  found  a  half-dozen  rude  boys,  who, 
having  tied  a  rope  around  the  poor  creature's  waist,  were 
trying  to  lower  her  into  a  deep  well. 

Inquiring  into  the  cause  of  this  outrage,  I  was  told  by  the 
larger  boy — who  might  have  been  fourteen  years  old — that 
he  was  justified  in  his  conduct,  because  he  was  engaged  to 
the  girl's  sister. 

"  What  difference  does  that  make  ?."  I  asked. 

"Why,"  said  he,  "I  was  readin'  in  the  paper  t'other  day 
that  a  good  way  to  find  out  whether  there  is  bad  air  in  a 
well  is  to  get  a  rope  and  let  down  one  of  your  wife's 
relatives." 

I  took  out  my  pencil  and  scored  another  point  for  the 
preacher. 

When  I  was  about  ten  rods  away,  the  precocious  boy  who 
was  engaged  to  be  married  cried  out : 

"  I  say,  mister !  mebby  you  allow  I  was  a  little  too 
previous  !" 

Shortly  after  this,  I  met  a  colored  man,  with  whom  I  fell 
into  conversation.  Learning  from  his  remarks  that  he  had 
considerable  property,  I  set  about  ascertaining  the  sources 
from  which  it  came.  It  turned  out  that  he  secured  start  in 
business  by  engaging  in  dishonest  transactions.  When  I 
reproved  him  for  this,  he  laughed,  and  replied  that  it  was 
his  aim  to  be  as  much  like  a  civilized  white  man  as  possible. 


198  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  But  you  are  taking  exactly  the  wrong  course,"  I  said. 

"  Oh,  no,  I  aint,"  he  replied.  "  My  ole  ooman  learned  to 
read,  an'  she 's  done  got  a  piece  in  her  scrap-book  now  what 
tells  the  hull  story  in  a  nut-shell." 

"And  what  is  that  story  ? "  I  asked.  "  Can  you  repeat 
it?" 

"  Oh,  yaas  sar,  word  for  word :  '  A  certain  bank  over-paid 
one  hundred  dollars  on  a  check.  The  Georgia  negro  who 
received  it  at  once  returned  the  money.  The  local  paper 
says  this  is  another  evidence  that  the  race  can  never  be 
civilized.' " 

I  herewith  scored  another  point  for  the  preacher. 

A  western  town  had  just  been  greatly  excited  because 
three  young  men  had  been  killed  in  trying  to  apply  lynch 
law  to  a  thief.  This,  too,  I  resolved  to  investigate.  My  first 
discovery  was  that  the  community  thereabout  respected  the 
power  of  the  mob  far  more  than  it  did  the  tedious  processes 
of  law  and  order.  I  sent  for  the  local  newspaper,  and  found 
tho  funny  column  filled  with  such  gems  as  this : 

"  He  found  a  rope,  and  picked  it  up, 

And  with  it  walked  away; 
It  happened  that  to  t'other  end 
A  horse  was  hitched,  they  say. 

They  found  a  tree,  and  tied  the  rope 

Unto  a  swinging  limb ; 
It  happened  that  the  other  end 

Was  somehow  hitched  to  him." 

Again  I  scored  a  point  for  the  preacher. 

My  pursuit  next  led  me  to  visit  a  man  in  the  Tombs, 
charged  with  murder.  Among  his  effects,  which  I  was  per 
mitted  to  examine,  I  found  a  newspaper  containing  this  out 
rageous  item,  under  "Wit  and  Humor,"  and  which  the 


THE   FUNNY   COLUMN.  199 

criminal,  according  to  his  own  confession,  had  regarded  as 
"  mighty  good  reading." 

POWERFUL  ARGUMENTS. — PROMPT  CHANGE  OF  MIND  OF  A  TICKET 
AGENT. — A  few  days  ago  a  tall,  rough-looking  mountaineer  entered  the 
Union  Railroad  ticket  office  at  Denver,  and,  through  mistake,  purchased 
a  ticket  for  New  York  via  the  Kansas  Pacific  line,  when  he  wanted  to 
go  over  the  Union  Pacific.  He  did  not  discover  this  fact  until  after  the 
ticket  had  been  paid  for,  and  on  asking  the  agent  to  change  it,  the  lat 
ter  refused  to  do  so. 

"  You  won't  change  this  ticket,  then;  won't  you?" 

' '  No  sir, "  replied  the  agent ;  ' '  you  have  your  ticket  and  I  have  the 
money  for  it,  and  if  you  want  a  ticket  over  the  other  route,  you  will 
have  to  buy  it. " 

Very  quietly  the  stranger  twisted  his  ticket  into  a  small  roll ;  very 
serenely  he  drew  from  under  his  right  coat-tail  a  six-shooter  about  the 
dimensions  of  a  mountain  howitzer;  coolly  and  deliberately  he  stuck 
the  twisted  ticket  into  the  muzzle  of  that  six-shooter,  and  sticking  the 
ugly-looking  thing  through  the  little  square  window  of  the  ticket 
office,  and  almost  in  the  agent's  face,  and  speaking  in  the  tone  that  left 
no  doubt  of  his  determination,  said  : 

"  Stranger,  thar 's  that  ticket;  take  it  yourself  and  change  it,  or  I'll 
blow  it  clean  through  you." 

The  ticket  was  changed  immediately,  and  without  any  more  words 
from  the  agent;  and  the  mountaineer  walked  away,  saying:  "I  jest 
thought  I  could  induce  him  to  change  his  mind  a  leetle." 

I  was  now  satisfied  that  the  clergyman  was  partially  right. 

Wholly  right  he  certainly  was  not ;  for  if  humor  were  as 
completely  banished  from  literature  as  he  hoped  and  prayed 
it  might  be,  all  books  and  papers  would  be  as  dry  as  his  own 
sermons,  and  as  quickly  relegated  to  the  dust  of  ages. 

A  certain  degree  of  mirthfulness  is  as  essential  in  the 
proper  disposition  of  mental  food  as  pebbles  are  in  a  chicken's 
crop.  As  a  hen  swallows  wholesome  stones,  and  rejects 
poisonous  minerals,  so  ought  men  to  draw  the  line  with  ut 
most  care  between  wit  good  and  wit  evil. 

Says  Wolcott : 

"  Care  to  our  coffin  adds  a  nail,  no  doubt; 
But  every  laugh  so  merry  draws  one  out.'* 


£00  MY   WIFE  S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 

The  Bible,  itself,  is  not  too  sanctimonious  to  recognize 
some  of  the  witicisms  of  man. 

Take,  for  example,  the  illustration  of  the  "  mote  "  and  the 
"  beam."  It  originated  in  Judea,  when  Israel  was  ruled  by 
judges.  One  day  a  suitor  said  to  the  judge,  "  Would  that 
you  could  pluck  the  mote  (that  is,  small  stick)  from  your 
eye."  To  which  the  judge  retorted,  quickly  as  a  flash : 
"  Would  that  thou  couldst  pull  the  whole  beam  from  your 
own  eye."  I  can  imagine  what  a  roar  of  laughter  followed 
this  sally,  and  how  the  marshal  grew  hot  with  excitement 
as  he  called  "  Order !  Order !  or  I  will  clear  the  court-room! " 
The  divine  master  had  read  or  heard  this  anecdote,  and  did 
not  hesitate  to  apply  it  to  the  lesson  he  would  impart. 

The  good  and  evil  of  this  world  comes  into  such  intimate 
relationship,  even  in  our  laughter,  that  there  is  no  moral 
safety  for  any  one  except  in  constant  distillation  of  right 
from  wrong. 

Imitate  the  sun ;  it  does  not  cry  out  in  agony,  "  Water, 
water  everywhere ;  but  not  a  drop  to  drink ! "  But  it  pa 
tiently  shines  on  the  great  dark  sea,  drawing  therefrom 
naught  but  fresh,  pure,  sweet  water,  leaving  base  minerals 
and  salts  to  sink  into  the  unfathomable  depths. 


CHAPTER    XVIII. 

OUR  FIRST  AFFLICTION. 

MY  "  good  streak"  still  continued,  and  in  view  of  the 
fact  that  my  dear  wife  had  not  had  a  very  enjoyable 
vacation,  I  was  anxious  that  she  should  go  to  a  Sunday- 
school  pic-nic,  which  was  about  to  take  place  at  Glen  Island. 
I  knew  that  it  would  require  some  finesse  on  my  part  to 
get  her  to  go,  for  I  was  determined  that  she  should  leave  all 
the  children  at  ho'me  in  order  that  she  might  have  a  good 
day's  rest. 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  "  would  it  give  you  pleasure  to  be  of 
assistance  to  me  in  my  business  ? " 

"  Most  assuredly,  it  would,"  she  replied. 

"  Very  well,  then.  I  want  to  get  a  little  report  of  to 
morrow's  Sunday-school  pic-nic  for  The  Farmer's  G-uide. 
"Would  you  be  kind  enough  to  go  up  to  Glen  Island  and 
spend  the  day  receiving  mental  impressions,  just  to  ac'com- 
modate  me  ?  You  will  enjoy  the  sail  up  the  Hudson  ever 
so  much." 

"  But  what  is  to  become  of  the  children  ?  " 

"  Our  nurse  has  always  proved  herself  quite  trustworthy, 
and  will  doubtless  take  good  care  of  them  in  your  absence. 
Besides,"  added  I,  as  a  clincher  to  the  whole  argument,  "  I 
shall  be  at  home  myself  most  of  the  day,  and  can  give  my 
personal  attention  to  the  little  darlings." 

(201) 


202 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


Augusta  hesitated  for  a  moment,  but  finally,  out  of  the 
richness  of  her  heart,  spoke  like  a  true  woman. 

"  It  will  seem  strange  to  be  separated  from  the  children, 
and  I  ain  sure  I  shall  be  thinking  of  them  continually,  and 
imagining  all  manner  of  evil  befalling  them  ;  but  inasmuch 
as  I  can  be  of  service  to  you,  I  gladly  consent  to  go." 

I  shook  hands  with  myself,  so  to  speak,  on  the  triumph 
of  my  tact. 

Next  morning  Augusta  got  off  in  good  season  after  giving 
all  manner  of  warning  and  instruction  concerning  the 
babies. 


UP  THE  RIVER. 


Then  I  stayed  at  the  house  awhile  chatting  with  the  old 
nurse  about  the  respective  merits  of  the  children.  She 
agreed  with  me  fully  (I  was  paying  her  ten  dollars  a  week), 
that  the  twins  were  the  best  looking,  the  best  behaved,  and 
the  best  every  way.  She  agreed  further  that  Pete  was  the 
homeliest  and  most  ill-tempered  of  the  entire  six.  He  was 
one  of  the  two  who  had  been  brought  to  us  in  a  basket. 

Thus,  the  old  nurse  and  myself  were  getting  along  very 
harmoniously  in  our  comparison  of  views,  when  the  door- 


OUR    FIRST    AFFLICTION. 


203 


bell  rang,  and  a  messenger  announced  a  telegram  directed 
to  her. 

She  was  called  to  go  immediately  to  Paterson,  where  her 
only  sister  lay  dangerously  ill.  She  went. 

All  the  babies  seemed  to  miss  her  at  once,  and  I  soon 

found  myself  with  my  hands 


DOMESTIC  DUTIES. 


full.     Scream  they  would,  at  the  top  of  their  voices,  in  spite 
of  all  the  shaking  I  could  give  them. 

At  last  I  thought  of  the  medicine  for  colic.  I  thought  I 
knew  the  very  bottle  in  which  it  was  kept.  However,  I 
would  not  risk  it  on  the  twins,  but  forthwith  administered  a 
good  dose  to  Pete.  He  was  always  the  darling  I  resorted  to 
whenever  I  wanted  to  try  an  experiment.  In  this  case  the 
remedy  seemed  not  to  prevail.  I  discovered  afterward, 
that,  in  the  place  of  soothing  syrup,  I  had  given  him  a 
spoonful  of  hair-oil. 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF  A   HUSBAND. 

Towards  evening  a  well-dressed  and  gentlemanly  appear 
ing  stranger  called  on  me.  I  could  not  make  him  out.  He 
evidently  wished  to  disguise  the  true  object  of  his  visit.  He 
manifested  a  most  lively  interest  in  the  children,  asking 
scores  of  questions  about  them.  But  his  chief  attention 
centered  on  Pete.  To  him  he  spoke  in  subdued,  affectionate 


"WAIT  A  MINUTE  !" 

tones.  Pete  did  not  seem  to  be  feeling  very  well,  and  I 
thought  this  might  be  the  circumstance  which  elicited  the 
stranger's  sympathy. 

"  Mr.  Berkeley,"  said  he,  as  he  took  the  child  in  his  arms 
and  kissed  him,  "  I  want  to  impart  the  secret  of  my  life  to 
you,  after  which  I  shall  ask  a  great  favor  which  I  fear  you 
will  not  be  willing  to  grant." 

"  "Wait  a  minute,"  said  I,  for  I  had  just  caught  sight  of  a 


OUR   FIRST  AFFLICTION. 


205 


neighbor's  cat  which  had  stolen  into  the  room.  But  I  was 
too  late.  The  cat  gave  a  spring  and  seized  my  wife's  favor 
ite  canary,  which  I  had  let  out  of  its  cage  an  hour  before 
for  the  purpose  of  amusing  the  children. 

One  of  the  last  things  Augusta 
had  said  before  leaving  was :  "  take 
good  care  of  the  birds !  " 

1  resolved  to  recover  her 
canary  if  possible. 
The  first  thing  I  did  was 
to  hurl  a  bottle  of  medicine 
at  the  thief,  but 
she,  thinking  she 
did  'nt  need  it, 
stepped  one  side 
and  let  it  go 
through  the  lower 
part  of  a  mirror. 
This  provoked 
me,  and  as  the  cat 
was  now  on  her 
way  down  stairs, 
I  seized  a  half- 
dozen  china 
plates — and  pur 
sued  her.  She 
flew  through  a 
window,  and  as  I 

A  GOOD   SHOT. 

had   to    stop    to 

open  the  outer  door,  I  fell  somewhat  behind.  I  succeeded 
in  reaching  the  piazza,  however,  just  as  the  beast  dashed 

down  the  steps,  and  after  her  I  hurled  the  plates.     The  two 
13 


206 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


first  missed  the  mark,  but  the  third  took  her  squarely  near 
the  flanks  and  got  a  magnificent  purchase.  Never  did  I 
see  a  more  beautiful  sight  than  the  way  in  which  the  cat 
was  thrown.  It  was  worth  more  than  a  circus.  Her  double 
somersault  would  have  been  the  envy  of  Barnum's  cham 
pion  acrobat.  My  wrath  all  turned  into  joy  as  I  saw  her 
stagger  to  her  feet,  and  lean  against  the  fence  for  support. 

But  I  experienced  a  new  sensation  when  a  very  tall,  thin 
man,  dressed   in  citizen's  clothes,   laid   his 
hand   on   my   shoulder,  and  said  :  "  Come, 
sir,  I  want  you  to  go  with  me." 

"Where  are  you  going?" 
I  asked,  a  little  savagely. 

"  To  a  place  in  Mercer 
Street." 

"What  place?" 

"The  police-station  of  the 
precinct." 

"  Let  me  alone,"  I  vocifer 
ated.     "  You  are  nothing  but  ^ 
a  meddling  citizen." 

"  You  are  mistaken,"  said 
he  coolly.  "  I  am  connected 
with  the  Humane  Society, 
and  have  authority  to  arrest 
you  for  "  cruelty  to  animals." 

"  That  settles  it,"  said  I. 

Perhaps  he  would  have  been  lenient  toward  me  if  I  had 
gently  explained  to  him  the  exact  situation  in  which  I  was 
placed  with  reference  to  my  home  affairs,  but,  unfortu 
nately,  I  was  too  angry  to  even  inquire  after  his  health. 

I  did  tell  the  captain  of  police  when  I  reached  the  sta- 


AT  THE   CAPTAIN  S  OFFICE. 


OUR   FIRST   AFFLICTION.  207 

tion  that  my  wife  had  gone  to  the  pic-nic,  my  nurse  to 
New  Jersey,  and  that  there  was  no  one  left  at  home  to  take 
care  of  my  six  darling  babies,  except  a  man  whom  I  didn't 
know;  but  the  captain  never  shed  a  tear.  He  was  accus 
tomed  to  pitiful  tales. 

He  informed  me  that  I  must  occupy  a  prisoner's  cell  until 
the  next  morning,  and  that  then  I  would  be  sent  to  court 
for  trial. 

My  wife  returned  from  the  pic-nic  at  an  early  hour,  and 
probably  reached  the  house  about  the  time  I  was  incarcer 
ated.  What  a  sight  met  her  gaze  ! 

Fragments  of  the  broken  mirror  were  scattered  about  the 
room.  A  medicine  bottle  was  smashed.  Six  china  plates 
were  missing.  The  best  bird  was  gone,  the  nurse  was  gone, 
I  was  gone,  and  little  Pete  was  gone — with  the  stranger. 

The  next  day  when  I  was  permitted  to  go  home,  Augusta 
and  I  had  our  saddest  meeting.  For  some  seconds  neither 
of  us  could  speak.  But  even  in  her  pitiful  look  I  could 
detect  no  shadow  of  that  reproof  which  I  felt  I  deserved. 

Explanations  were  made,  and  then  with  one  accord,  we 
both  cried  out  from  our  afflicted  hearts,  "  Poor  Pete  !  Poor 
Pete ! " 

For  the  first  time  I  was  made  to  realize  how  even  that 
child  had  woven  its  precious  life  around  my  affections.  I 
no  longer  regarded  him  as  ill-tempered,  but  nervous,  timid, 
and  weakly.  More  than  any  one  of  the  others  he  should 
have  been  uniformly  treated  with  kindness  and  patience. 
How  sorely  I  regretted  every  hasty  word  I  had  ever  spoken 
to,  or  of  him.  I  would  have  given  anything  in  the  world  to 
have  been  able  to  recall  the  past,  or  to  efface  from  memory 
that  nauseous  dose  of  hair-oil  which  I  had  put  into  his 
mouth. 


208 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF  A   HUSBAND. 


How  little  did  either  Augusta  or  I  care  for  the  loss  of 
birds,  mirrors,  or  china  plates,  compared  with  that  of  this 
one  child. 

"We  never  know  the  true  value  of  any  human  soul  until 
we  stop  to  think, — and  sometimes  it  requires  the  wrath  of 
high  heaven  to  set  us  thinking. 

I  employed  detectives  to  try  to  find  Pete. 

Instead  of  giving  a  report  of  the  Sunday-school  pic-nic  in 
the  next  issue  of  The  Farmer's  Guide,  I  used  all  my  spare 
space  in  condemning  that  system  of  government  which 
allows  a  respectable  citizen  to  be  arrested  for  some  insignifi 
cant  offence;  and  to  be  thrown  into  prison  with  hardened 
criminals,  without  having  any  opportunity  to  secure  bail 
until  court  sits,  which  may  not  be  until  the  next  day. 


BEHIND   THE   BARS. 


As  to  the  children,  we  kept  up  the  original  number,  for  it 
was  not  long  before  another  little  darling  came  to  board  with  us. 
He  did  not  come  in  a  basket,  either. 


CHAPTER    XIX. 

A  FIGHT  WITH  A  GHOST. 

IN  the  interest  of  the  Guide  I  visited  the  great  Perkins 
farm  on  Long  Island.  I  was  scarcely  out  of  Brooklyn 
on  my  way  to  it  when  I  met  a  well-dressed  gentleman  run 
ning  at  great  speed. 

"  What  is  the  trouble  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Oh,"  said  he,  "  there  is  a  woman  back  here  who  was 
trying  to  get  over  a  fence ;  she  has  fallen  and  her  foot  is 
caught  so  that  she  cannot  get  away,  and  she  is  in  great  suf 
fering,  and  I  am  hunting  for  somebody  that  knows  her  to 
go  to  her  assistance." 

"  Why  did  you  not  help  her  out  of  the  trouble  yourself  ? " 

"  So  I  would,"  said  he,  "  but  I  have  never  been  introduced 
to  her." 

"  An  escaped  lunatic ! "  I  said  to  myself,  yet  on  more 
deliberate  reflection,  I  was  not  so  certain  of  it ;  for  I  remem 
bered  that  during  the  period  that  I  was  suffering  with  a 
malignant  form  of  apparently  incurable  impecuniosity,  there 
were  people  who  were  rather  particular  not  to  come  too  close 
to  me  unless  they  had  been  socially  vaccinated. 

In  those  days  Augusta  and  I  went  to  a  certain  church 
three  months  without  having  any  attention  paid  to  us,  and 
afterward  when  the  question  came  up  at  the  Ladies'  Social 
Circle  whether  any  of  its  members  knew  who  we  were,  every 

(209) 


210  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

lady  acknowledged  that  she  did,  but  gave  it  as  a  reason 
for  never  having  spoken  to  us  that  she  had  never  been 
introduced. 

At  the  Perkins'  farm  I  went  into  ecstacy  over  every  thing 
in  general  as  the  proprietor  grew  enthusiastic  in  its  descrip 
tion.  This  is  a  fault  of  my  impulsive  nature.  Momentarily, 
at  least,  I  am  carried  completely  away  on  the  wings  of  every 
stirring  occasion.  When  I  go  to  a  revival  meeting  there  is 
nothing  I  so  ardently  want  as  religion.  I  think  I  would 
give  the  world  for  it.  Next  day,  if  I  read  an  account  of 
some  shrewd  burglar  who  has  entered  a  bank,  cracked  open 
the  best  safe  ever  made,  and  coolly  walked  off  with  half  a 
million  in  cash,  I  find  myself  envying  him  to  the  extent 
of  repining  that  my  own  early  education  was  somewhat 
neglected. 

When  Mr.  Perkins  went  into  raptures  over  the  fine  quali 
ties  of  his  Berkshires  and  Chester  Whites,  there  was  nothing 
on  earth  seemed  so  desirable  to  me  as  a  drove  of  pigs.  I 
wanted  to  buy  all  he  had  and  astonish  Augusta.  He  told 
me  he  had  a  number, — he  could  not  tell  how  many — that 
had  got  away,  gone  into  the  woods  and  had  become  wild, 
and  that  he  would  allow  any  man  to  catch  them  at  the 
halves.  . 

That  struck  me  as  an  easy  way  of  coming  into  possession 
of  valuable  game.  What  were  the  wild-boar  hunts  in  which 
our  Saxon  ancestry  engaged  compared  with  this  ?  Why  go 
to  the  Adirondacks  to  shoot  some  poor  stag  that,  having  been 
driven  into  the  water  and  surrounded  by  boats,  is  held  by 
the  tail  by  some  well-paid  native  until  the  gun  can  be  dis 
charged,  when  right  here  was  a  brilliant  opportunity  for  a 
huntsman  to  distinguish  himself.  I  was  determined  to  try  it. 

Next  morning  I  went  early  to  the  woods  to  begin  my  day's 


A   FIGHT   WITH    A    GHOST. 


211 


work.  A  yard  had  been  fenced  off  in  the  middle  of  the 
forest,  and  in  one  corner  of  the  yard  was  a  little  house  for 
the  pigs  to  occupy  in  case  they  should  weary  of  all  out-doors 
and  seek  more  comfortable  quarters. 

My  plan  was  to  drive  the  swine  into  this  inclosure,  where, 
according  to  the  contract,  half  of  them  would  be  mine. 


A  PIG  RACKET. 


In  about  an  hour  I  caught  sight  of  one  and  gave  him 
chase.  I  believe  we  both  got  more  of  it  than  we  anticipated. 
He  went  through  a  blackberry  patch  at  least  twenty  times, 
for  he  seemed  to  know  that  I  had  on  my  best  suit  of  clothes. 

I  caught  him  at  last,  for  I  am  a  good  runner,  notwith 
standing  the  size  of  my  feet.  Then  I  was  lost.  Which  way 


212  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

to  steer  him  I  did'nt  know.  I  held  to  his  two  hind  legs 
while  he  exercised  his  fore  legs  as  best  he  could.  It  was  a 
go-as-you-please  race  on  his  part,  and  luckily  for  me  he  chose 
to  go  to  the  inclosure.  When  I  had  put  him  in  and  stopped 
up  the  entrance,  I  patted  myself  on  the  back,  so  to  speak, 
and  went  in  search  of  another ;  and  again  met  with  success. 
Eight  times  before  night  I  put  a  pig  into  the  yard  and  had 
the  satisfaction  of  seeing  him  run  into  the  sty.  It  was  the 
hardest  day's  work  I  ever  did.  Four  fine  porkers  to  take 
home  to  Augusta !  How  fondly  I  anticipated  the  kisses  and 
praises  she  would  shower  upon  me  when  she  received  the 
present. 

You  should  have  seen  Mr.  Perkins  open  his  eyes  when  I 
told  him  that  I  had  captured  eight  swine. 

He  was  astonished.  So  was  I  the  next  day  when  I  learned 
the  truth  of  the  matter.  I  had  caught  the  same  pig  over 
and  over  again,  for  after  each  capture  he  had  made  his  escape 
through  the  sty.  And  anyhow  he  was  only  an  ancient, 
good-for-nothing  brute  that  Perkins  had  put  into  the  woods 
to  act  as  a  decoy  so  that  the  others  might  be  led  into  the 
piggery. 

While  everybody  was  laughing  at  me,  I  moralized  by  con 
sidering  how  I  had  been  engaged  all  my  life  in  trying  to 
encompass  a  few  common-sense  ideas.  The  trouble  is  that 
as  soon  as  I  get  one  into  my  brain  it  makes  its  escape 
through  some  neglected  passage-way.  In  other  words,  my 
moral  side  has  a  broken  down  door. 

"  Hold  good  that  which  is  good,"  may  be  an  old-fashioned 
command,  but  after  all  it  contains  the  gist  of  all  wisdom. 

The  trouble  with  the  modern  mode  of  teaching  is  that  it 
contemplates  nothing  but  crowding  in  and  has  no  concern 
over  what  may  be  crowded  out.  In  its  hot  haste  for  acquisi- 


A   FIGHT   WITH   A   GHOST.  213 

tion  it  neglects  retention.  It  urges  the  accumulation  of  a 
large  store  even  when  the  store-house  is  badly  dilapidated. 
It  is  constantly  putting  new  wine  into  old  bottles. 

The  marking  and  grading  which  our  schools  are  using  is 
productive  of  mental  mischief.  Pupils  learn  their  lessons 
for  temporary  results  only — the  magic  ten  or  one  hundred, 
as  the  case  may  be.  What  is  thus  obtained  neither  endures 
nor  promotes  endurance.  One  may  commit  to  memory  a 
dozen  pages  for  a  particular  occasion,  or  he  may  perform  the 
same  task  for  the  purpose  of  increasing  his  permanent  fund 
of  knowledge.  In  the  first  instance  the  lesson  will  be  likely 
to  fade  out  as  soon  as  the  occasion  for  learning  it  has  passed ; 
while  in  the  other,  it  will  always  remain.  The  motive  which 
prompts  one  to  learn  is  of  as  much  importance  as  the  learn 
ing  itself.  It  decides  not  the  quantity  of  learning,  but  its 
texture. 

Intellectual  surfeit  is  so  much  worse  than  intellectual 
hunger  that  I  am  no  longer  surprised  when  I  see  how  many 
of  our  young  men  the  schools  and  colleges  are  ruining. 

A  man  will  read  three  newspapers,  spending  two  or  three 
hours  in  the  perusal,  and  when  asked  what  the  news  is,  will 
answer,  "  Nothing."  A  boy  spends  four  years  in  college, 
only  to  give  a  similar  answer  when,  in  after  life,  the  world 
demands  of  him  what  great  thing  he  has  learned. 

To  return  to  my  narrative.  I  remained  another  night  at 
the  Perkins  farm,  and  became  the  victim  of  a  terrible  fright. 
My  sleep  was  broken  at  the  best,  for  my  experience  in  the 
woods  had  set  every  bone  and  muscle  of  my  body  to  aching. 

It  must  have  been  after  midnight  when  I  was  aroused  by 
a  strange  sound  in  my  room.  I  sprang  up  in  bed  and 
looked  toward  the  door,  when  my  eyes  met  an  object  that 
caused  my  heart  to  stop  beating.  I  recollected  that  Perkins 


214  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

had  told  me  just  before  I  retired,  that  some  persons  were 
afraid  of  his  house  because  it  had  the  reputation  of  being 
haunted.  I  had  thought  then  that  my  mind  was  too  well 
poised  to  be  frightened  at  such  a  relic  of  ancient  and  bar 
barous  superstition. 

Now  here  I  was,  trembling  like  an  aspen  leaf,  in  the 
presence  of  what  I  really  believed  was  a  veritable  ghost. 
The  room  was  dark  as  a  pocket,  save  the  presence  of  my 
uncanny  visitor,  who  glowed  with  a  dim,  plutonic  light 
which  served  to  reveal  every  feature  of  his  barbarous  coun 
tenance.  He  was  a  full-grown  Indian,  and  grasped  a  toma 
hawk  in  his  right  hand. 

Either  the  apparition  moved  to  and  fro — now  approaching 
my  bedside  and  then  retreating  toward  the  door — or  my 
nerves  were  so  agitated  that  the  optic  mechanism  was  suffi 
ciently  wrought  upon  to  make  this  result  seem  real.  What 
is  that  which  we  call  seeing  except  more  or  less,  longer  or 
shorter,  vibrations  communicated  through  the  cornea, 
through  the  retina,  through  the  optic  nerve,  through  the 
brain,  to  the  mind?  Generally,  external  objects  set  these 
vibrations  going,  but  if,  under  peculiar  circumstances,  they 
can  be  set  going  from  internal  causes,  the  same  mental 
sensations  which  accompany  the  seeing  of  tangible  objects 
will  be  produced.  This  is  philosophy ;  but  when  a  man  is 
thoroughly  frightened,  his  philosophy  is  the  first  to  run.  It 
is  the  biggest  coward  in  the  known  universe. 

After  a  long  period  of  agonizing  silence  and  suspension,  I 
spoke  to  the  ghost,  but  he  did  not  respond.  Anyway,  lie 
could  not  have  understood  a  word  I  said,  for  my  voice  had 
the  shakes  beyond  control. 

Gaining  a  little  more  courage,  I  felt  for  my  revolver,  and 
when  I  had  it  well  in  hand  I  succeeded  in  saying  : 


A    FIGHT   WITH    A    GHOST. 


215 


"  If  you  are  human,  say  so,  for  I  am  going  to  shoot." 

Silence  reigned  supreme. 

I  shot. 

The  ghost  did  not  wince. 


BIG  INJUN. 


Again  I  dischargad  my  piece,  and  yet  again,  and  again. 

The  ghost  still  stood  his  ground. 

What  gave  me  new  surprise  and  further  alarm  was  that 


216  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

the  report  of  my  weapon  brought  no  response  from  the 
household  of  men,  women,  and  boys.  A  vague  suspicion 
crept  over  me  that  my  superhuman  visitor  had  already  slain 
everybody  on  the  haunted  premises  except  myself. 

"  Perkins ! "  I  cried,  just  to  see  what  effect  it  would  have, 
and  when  it  had  no  effect  whatever,  I  called  louder  and 
louder ;  but  no  answer  came. 

I  was  not  happy.  The  few  moments  seemed  a  week  that 
I  was  in  the  horrible  situation,  when  I  boldly  determined  to 
die  rather  than  to  endure  it  another  minute.  Silently  I 
attended  to  my  devotions,  and  then  jumped  out  of  bed  and 
walked  straight  to  the  apparition.  Instead  of  vanishing,  he 
loomed  up  more  clearly  than  before.  Evidently  he  was  not 
intangible,  for  when  I  touched  him  he  presented  all  the 
resistance  of  a  solid  body.  And  so  he  was,  for,  as  I  ascer 
tained  from  Mr.  Perkins  and  the  boys,  who  finally  rushed 
into  the  room,  nearly  dead  with  suppressed  laughter,  I  had 
been  frightened  nearly  out  of  my  wits  by  one  of  those 
wooden  Indians  which  are  set  in  front  of  tobacco  stores,  and 
which  Perkins  had  covered  with  phosphorescent  paint,  intend 
ing  to  set  the  figure  in  his  watermelon  patch  to  scare  away 
night-prowling  boys,  but  which  for  the  time  had  been  left  stand 
ing  in  the  corner  of  the  room  assigned  to  me  for  that  night. 

I  was  so  strongly  impressed  with  the  practical  utility  of 
this  ingenious  contrivance  that  I  resolved  to  purchase  it  to 
set  in  my  basement  hall,  which,  on  two  occasions,  had  been 
entered  by  sneak  thieves. 

Mr.  Perkins  felt  that  my  stay  with  him  had  not  been 
quite  as  pleasant  as  he  could  have  wished,  so  his  heart  was 
melted,  and  he  made  me  a  present  of  the  Indian  ghost. 

I  could  hardly  wait  to  get  home  to  show  it  to  Augusta. 

When  I  did  get  home  it  was  late  at  night,  and  my  wife 


A    FIGHT   WITH   A   GHOST.  217 

had  retired  and  was  soundly  asleep.  Not  wishing  to  disturb 
her  sweet  slumber,  I  had  the  cadaverous  Indian  placed 
quietly  in  her  room,  so  that  she  could  admire  it  the  first 
thing  in  the  morning ;  and  then  resorted,  with  a  peaceful 
conscience,  to  my  own  bed-chamber. 

There  was  no  good  reason  for  Augusta's  waking  up  until 
daylight,  but,  most  in  auspiciously,  she  opened  her  eyes  an 
hour  or  two  before  dawn. 

She  is  not  superstitious!  Oh,  no!  I  have  heard  her  say 
so  a  hundred  times.  Who  is  ?  Who  is  not  ? 

If  any  one  supposes  there  is  going  to  be  anything  to  laugh 
at  in  the  conclusion  of  this  account,  he  will  labor  under  an 
enormous  mistake. 

Augusta  very  nearly  lost  her  reason,  if  not  her  life.  All 
the  children  went  wild  with  grief.  We  had  four  doctors  at 
the  house  for  several  days,  and  it  was  two  weeks  before  the 
best  woman  in  the  world  could  be  pronounced  out  of  danger. 

I  am  wondering  yet  whether  my  darling  feels  the  same 
affection  for  me  that  she  once  did. 

Fear  is  the  great  enemy  of  human  peace.  Often  when 
men  have  succeeded  in  keeping  alive  in  spite  of  foul  air, 
poisonous  food,  scorching  heat,  or  freezing  cold,  some  mis 
erable  fear  has  carried  them  off.  It  will  render  the  blood 
as  acrid  as  a  dose  of  calomel.  In  view  of  these  facts,  it 
may  not  be  too  much  to  say  that  the  only  instance  in  which 
fear  may  be  properly  encouraged  is  in  teaching  theology  or 
piety.  It  is  perhaps  justifiable  for  men  and  women  to 
become  uncontrollably  excited  over  the  tweedle-dee  and 
tweedle-dum  of  religion,  while  the  great  questions  of 
hygiene,  on  which  depend  life  and  death,  are  scarcely 
thought  of  for  an  instant. 

But  I  can  never  forgive  myself   for  frightening  Augusta. 


CHAPTER  XX. 

A  FAMILY  JAR. 

A  U  GUST  A  used  to  irritate  me  by  opposing  some  of  my 
-£_L  pet  schemes.  She  seemed  to  forget  that  a  man  is  a 
man,  while  a  woman  is  nothing  but  a  woman. 

One  day  we  almost  quarreled,  and  this  was  the  way  of  it. 

A  farmer  brought  us  a  large  jar  of  sweet  cream  in  pay 
ment  for  his  paper  for  one  year. 

Augusta  said  it  must  be  churned.  I  volunteered  to 
borrow  the  churn  if  she  would  do  the  rest.  She  made 
some  trivial  excuse  about  two  or  three  of  the  babies  being 
sick,  and  insisted  upon  my  doing  the  heavy  work.  I  was 
fortunate  enough  to  find  a  churn  at  a  second-hand  store, 
which  I  hired  for  a  dollar,  and  then  engaged  an  express 
team  to  deliver  it. 

At  first  I  thought  it  would  be  rather  entertaining  to  watch 
the  butter  come,  but  when  I  had  churned  a  minute  or  two, 
and  it  did  n't  come,  I  called  Augusta,  and  told  her  there  was 
something  wrong  with  it.  She  made  no  very  complimentary 
remark,  and  soon  left  me  to  myself. 

Then  I  set  my  wits  to  work,  hoping  I  might  devise  some 
easy  way  of  performing  the  task.  I  sat  down  on  a  pile 
of  potatoes,  where  I  remained  nearly  an  hour,  when  sud 
denly  a  brilliant  idea  came  to  me,  flashing  through  my  brain 
like  a  meteor  across  the  sky.  Perhaps  it  was  something 
of  which  I  had  some  time  read  in  a  penny  newspaper,  but 
no  matter,  it  was  as  good  as  original  in  the  hour  of  need, 

(218) 


A    FAMILY    JAR. 


219 


and   had   required   for   its   production  or   reproduction,  as 
the  case  may  be,  the  en 
tire  force  of  my  intellect. 

Away  I  went  to  Fulton 
Market,  where  I  bought, 
for  ten  cents  apiece,  a 
half  dozen  of  the  biggest 
frogs  I  could  find.  I 
thought  that  if  I  put  the 
frogs  into  the  cream  they 
would  do  nothing  but 
kick,  in  their  efforts  to 
get  out,  and  that  this 
would  bring  the  butter 
without  fail. 

Reaching  home,  I  hur 
ried  into  the  cellar  and 
untied  the  bag  that  con 
tained  my  game.  Unfor 
tunately  for  the  success 
of  my  plan,  five  of  the 
frogs  made  their  escape, 
and  I  discovered  that 
they  were  remarkably 
lively  as  they  scattered 
in  five  different  direc 
tions.  Thrusting  the  re 
maining  one  into  the 
churn,  I  started  in  hot 
pursuit  of  the  others. 
My  success  was  not  phe 
nomenal.  In  an  evil  moment  I 


FHISKY  FROGS. 


called  Augusta  to  come 


220 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF  A   HUSBAND. 


and  help  me  catch  them.  Just  as  she  was  coming  down 
stairs,  one  of  the  big,  green-legged  reptiles  made  a  bound 
to  go  up.  To  hear  that  woman  scream  and  to  see  her  turn 
and  run,  you  would  have  thought  she  had  met  either  a 
band  of  wild  Indians  —  or  a  mouse. 

From  the  top  stairs  of  the  upper  story  I  soon  heard  her 
trembling  voice,  and  knew  that  she  was  inquiring  into  the 
nature  of  the  enemy. 

In  order  to  show  my  own  bravery  in  comparison  with  her 

timidity,  I  resolved 
to  catch  as  many  of 
the  creatures  as  I 
could,  and  hold 
them  in  my  hands 
before  her  eyes. 
After  some  mo 
ments  I  succeeded 
in  catching  one,  and 
that  I  took  from  the 
churn. 

With  its  heavy 
overcoat  of  cream, 
no  person  would  have  mistrusted  it  was  a  frog,  but  I  thought 
the  exhibition  would  be  all  the  more  interesting  on  that 
account. 

Augusta  thought,  as  I  approached  her,  that  I  had  a  hand 
ful  of  butter,  for  she  ordered  me  to  put  it  on  a  plate,  when 
the  thing  gave  a  spring,  and  in  its  blindness  would  have 
landed  plump  in  Augusta's  face  had  she  not  dodged.  This 
unfortunate  movement  on  her  part  allowed  the  frog  to 
sprawl  itself  across  the  mouth  of  one  of  the  twins ;  thereby 
creating  a  disturbance  which  frightened  all  the  rest  of  the 


WITH  CREAM  GRAVY. 


A   FAMILY  JAR.  221 

children,  who  at  once  set  up  a  deafening  uproar ;  while  the 
cause  of  the  alarm  kept  on  in  his  mad  career,  marking  his 
course  by  a  zigzag  streak  of  cream  over  the  floor. 

Augusta  was  the  first  to  cool  down,  although  it  was  a 
long  time  before  she  became  entirely  possessed  of  her  better 
feelings,  so  that  she  could  express  that  high  appreciation  of 
which  I  was  deserving.  Meanwhile  she  declared  impulsively 
that  she  would  never  eat  any  of  the  butter  which  that  frog 
had  been  in. 

I  reasoned  with  her,  but  it  was  useless.  In  vain  I 
pleaded  that  the  butter  had  not  come,  and  that  therefore  the 
frog  could  not  have  touched  it. 

"  Besides,"  said  I,  "  it  is  foolish  to  object  to  the  use  of 
frog's  legs  as  a  churn,  when  you  know  very  well  that  if  they 
had  been  first  fried  and  then  served  with  cream  gravy  you 
would  have  received  them  with  open  countenance." 

But  my  argument  was  lost,  for,  as  Dr.  Hammond  so 
learnedly  shows,  women  are  not  logical. 

However,  when  my  dear  wife  had  quieted  the  last  child, 
and  cleaned  up,  as  best  she  could,  the  last  oily  spot  on  the 
carpet  —  the  frog  having  been  properly  disposed  of  by  me — 
she  became  so  far  self-poised  as  to  promise  that  if  I  would 
not  put  any  more  horrid  creatures  into  the  cream,  she  would 
allow  the  butter  to  be  kept  in  the  house  —  for  cooking. 

But  the  butter  existed  as  yet  only  in  potentiality. 

Again  I  pondered.  In  two  hours  a  happy  thought  came. 
I  was  overjoyed.  Nothing  like  it  had  ever  entered  my  mind 
before.  I  doubted  not  that  I  could  patent  the  idea,  and 
make  it  pay  me  considerable  income. 

The  new  plan  was  easily  arranged,  although  it  necessitated 
my  borrowing  another  churn,  on  the  same  terms  under 

which  I  had  obtained  the  first. 
14 


222 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


Next  I  hired  a  man  to  procure  a  long-legged  saw-horse 
and  a  large,  new  board.  Having  had  these  purchases  deliv 
ered  in  the  alley  adjacent  to  my  house,  I  had  only  to  set  the 
wooden  horse  on  its  legs,  balance  the  board  on  top,  and  the 
thing  was  done. 

In  less  than  ten  minutes,  sixty-five  boys  were  gathered 
there,  having  a  jolly  time  with  what  they  called  a  "  teeter." 

Under  each  end  of  the  board  I  now  placed  a  churn,  at- 


BERKELEY'S  CREAMERY. 

tached  the  handle  of  it  to  the  see-saw,  and  then  retired  to 
my  sitting-room  as  happy  as  a  lord. 

In  due  time  the  butter  came. 

Barring  the  slight  accident  which  caused  one  of  the 
churns  to  be  upset  and  broken,  for  which  I  had  to  pay 
damages  amounting  to  two  dollars  and  fifty  cents,  every 
thing  resulted  as  I  had  anticipated. 

But  will  you  believe  it  ?    Augusta  gave  me  no  credit  for 


A   FAMILY   JAR. 


223 


being  smart.  She  even  -went  so  far  as  to  intimate  that  I 
was  a  fool  for  getting  a  second  churn,  when  by  a  little  dif 
ferent  arrangement  one  could  have  been  made  to  operate  as 
well  as  two. 

But  I  silenced  that  kind  of  instinct  very  quickly  by 
making  her  acknowledge,  after  a  long  controversy,  that  in 
the  event  of  my  having  had  but  one  churn,  when  that  was 
upset  I  should  have  lost  the  entire  stock  of  butter  instead 
of  half  of  it.  My  long-headedness  having  provided  for  acci 
dents,  I  was  now 
the  proud  possessor 
of  one  pound  and  a 
half  of  good  cook 
ing-butter,  which 
had  cost  me  in 
actual  outlay — but 


that  is  neither  here 
nor  there.  As  I 
said  to  Augusta, 
when  she  had  ardu 
ously  figured  up  the 
grand  total  on  a 
large  piece  of  paper,  "  Cheap  enough,  considering  all  the  fun 
I  have  had." 

My  helpmeet,  however,  refused  to  be  pacified. 
Another  thing  that  cast  a  shadow  athwart  her  conjugal 
felicity  was  that  I  had  insisted  on  taking  a  Sunday  boarder. 
She  had  protested  vigorously  at  the  time,  evolving  the  conclu 
sion  from  her  instinct  that  it  would  be  an  unprofitable  venture. 
Nevertheless,  I  had  carefully  reasoned  upon  the  subject, 
and  I  had  agreed  by  written  contract,  and  in  consideration 
of  advance  payment,  to  furnish  Sunday  meals  to  the  gentle 
man  for  one  year. 


224  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

At  the  time  of  the  butter  episode,  we  had  had  him  three 
weeks,  at  a  clear  loss  of  four  dollars. 

We  did  not  then  know,  what  we  afterwards  ascertained, 
that  he  was  an  enthusiastic  disciple  of  the  celebrated 
Dr.  Tanner,  and  had  acquired  the  art  of  fasting  six  days,  in 
order  to  be  able  to  fill  himself  to  repletion  on  the  seventh, 
which  arrangement  was  a  profitable  one  for  him. 

Ungraciously,  if  not  inconsiderately,  as  it  seemed  to  me, 
Augusta  repeatedly  hinted  that  I  was  not  a  good  financier. 

"I  hope,"  she  said,  "that,  hereafter,  you  will  collect 
your  bills  in  a  business-like  way,  instead  of  waiting  for 
your  debtors  to  bring  in  country  produce." 

"  Oh,  yes,"  I  replied  ;  "  you  would  be  very  glad  to  have  me 
away  from  home  the  most  of  the  time." 

"  Write  dunning  letters,"  she  suggested. 

"  Now  you  have  said  it !  I  see  you  understand  business. 
Do  you  suppose  I  have  not  tried  sending  bills  ?  There  is 
Kill,  for  example ;  a  little  town  on  the  Hudson  River. 
The  Farmer's  Guide  has  a  hundred  subscribers  there,  and 
although  I  have  written  to  them  again  and  again,  they 
manifest  no  disposition  to  liquidate  their  indebtedness." 

"  But  is  it  not  barely  possible,"  inquired  my  spouse,  in 
her  blandest  tones,  "that  inasmuch  as  your  handwriting 
has  innumerable  special  peculiarities  which  render  it  illegi 
ble  except  to  experts — " 

I  waited  not  for  another  word. 

This  insinuation  in  reference  to  my  chirography  was  the 
straw  which  broke  the  camel's  back. 

She  had  already  almost  scolded  about  the  butter  and  the 
boarder,  and  I  made  up  my  mind  then  and  there  that  it  was 
my  matrimonial  duty  to  make  her  sorry  for  her  thoughtless 
words. 


A   FAMILY  JAR. 


225 


Without  deigning  any  reply,  I  calmly  supported  my 
dignity  while  I  got  myself  up  in  the  best  possible  manner,  not 
even  neglecting  to  put  on  my  high-standing  collar  and  white 
necktie. 

It  was  not  long  before  Augusta's  curiosity  bubbled  over. 

"  Where  in  the  world  are  you  going  ?  "  she  asked. 

"  Going  to  Kill  on  the  next  train,"  I  replied,  sullenly. 

"  Why  do  you  wear  your 
best  clothes  ?  "  she  inquired, 
some  what  sadly. 

"  Because,  first  they  are 
my  own  to  do  what  I  please 
with;  second,  I  please  to 
wear  them ;  third,  I  may  fall 
in  with  some  ladies  who  can 
find  something  in  me  worthy 
of  admiration,  in  which 
event  I  shall  remain  awhile 
and  visit." 

"  Surely,  you  are  dressed 
to  kill!"  said  Augusta,  as  I 
finished  my  toilet  by  vigor 
ously  shaking  a  bottle  of 
paregoric  over  my  white 
pocket-handkerchief,  under  the  impression  that  I  was  using 
my  wife's  limited  supply  of  German  cologne. 

"  But,  really,"  she  added, "  you  do  look  nice ;  and  now  that 
you  have  such  a  solemn  face,  you  might  pass  very  well  for  a 
clergyman." 

Doubtless  this  remark  was  designed  to  promote  cheerful 
ness,  but,  if  so,  it  completely  failed  of  its  aim.  As  I  look 
back  upon  the  scene,  I  am  heartily  ashamed  of  myself  that 


SUPPORTING  HIS   DIGNITY. 


226  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

I  could  present  such  a  wall  of  adamant  to  the  blessed  sun 
light  of  that  woman's  noble  heart. 

Yet  she,  too,  was  sad — how  painfully  so,  only  woman 
knows — but  she  would  fasten  in  her  tears  with  a  smile 
until  left  alone,  and  then — but  enough  of  this. 

4.'Do  you  realize,"  said  she,  in  her  pleasantest  manner, 
"  that  it  is  Saturday  afternoon,  and  that  if  you  go  to-day  it 
will  necessitate  your  being  away  from  us  over  Sunday  ? " 

I  had  not  thought  of  the  day,  but  nevertheless,  since  I 
had  set  my  head  on  being  nothing  if  not  contrary,  I  per 
sisted  in  letting  my  fit  have  its  run. 

"  Yes,"  I  replied ;  "  I  am  supposed  to  know  what  day  I 
have  arrived  at  without  being  specially  instructed.  Your 
woman's  wonderful  intuition  has  correctly  informed  you 
that  to-morrow  will  be  Sunday.  So  much  the  better.  I 
can  have  one  Sabbath  day  of  quiet  comfort." 

Augusta  was  hurt.  Had  I  struck  her  a  severe  blow  with 
my  hand,  I  do  not  think  I  could  have  been  more  cruel. 
Still,  I  was  not  particularly  angry.  I  scarcely  know  what 
I  was.  I  have  always  been  a  mystery  to  myself.  Were  it 
not  for  seeming  to  speak  disrespectfully  of  my  sainted 
parents,  I  should  openly  confess  that  I  was  born  with  a 
streak  of  depravity  in  me,  as  wide  as  a  ten-pound  baby. 
But  being  under  Scriptural  obligation  to  honor  my  father 
and  mother,  that  my  days  and  nights  may  be  long,  I  sup 
pose  it  is  my  duty  to  say  that  naturally  I  am  a  person  of 
remarkable  excellence  of  character.  However,  my  fine 
quality  did  not  prevent  my  leaving  Augusta  without  kissing 
her  good-bye,  by  which  unpardonable  conduct  I  made  myself 
more  miserable  than  ever,  while  she,  who  had  once  trust 
ingly  joined  her  heart  to  mine,  for  better,  for  worse,  was 
left  to  spend  weary  hours  in  unspeakable  sadness,  severely 


A   FAMILY  JAB. 


227 


reproaching,  not  me,  but  herself,  with  every  lack  in  our 
domestic  felicity. 

The  devotion  of  woman  is  some 
thing  marvelous.  It  is  said  that 
Venus  would  lay  waste  the  world  to 
save  the  life  of  him  she  loved.  But 
what  of  him  ?  He  ought  to  be 
ashamed  of  himself  for  not  being  a 
better  man. 

It  is  woman's  fidelity  which  has 
saved  the  Church.  Yet  it 
has  not  always  been  kind 
to  her  in  return.  The  mean 
est  discourtesy  she  has  ever 
received  has  come  from 
theologians.  Thus  a  certain 
bishop,  speaking  of  the  evils 
of  the  world  "  for  which  she 
alone  is  responsible,"  in- 

ON  A  COLLECTING  TOUB. 

dulges    in   this    poor    wit: 

"Many  a  man  has  had  his  head  broken  by  his  own  rib!" 
A  vaunt ! 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

A  CASE  OF  MISTAKEN  IDENTITY. 

A  REIVING  at  Kill  late  at  night,  I  was  about  to  inquire 
-ZTJL  the  way  to  a  hotel,  when  a  gentlemanly  colored  per 
son  doffed  his  hat  to  me  and  politely  asked  if  I  was  Mr. 
Berkeley  from  New  York. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  I  answered. 

"  So  I  thought,"  said  he,  "  I'se  had  consider'ble  sperence 
at  dis  business,  an'  I  nebber  failed  to  fotch  de  right  pusson." 

"  Who  are  you,  and  what  do  you  want  ?  "  I  inqjuired,  as  he 
took  possession  of  my  grip-sack  and  led  the  way  to  a 
carriage. 

"  Ise  Mr.  Roberts's  man.  He  sent  me  fur  you.  Right 
dis  way,  please  ! " 

So  saying,  he  opened  the  carriage  door,  and  in  a  sort  of 
maze  I  entered,  sank  into  the  luxurious  cushions,  and  was 
driven  off. 

In  the  course  of  a  few  minutes  the  spirited  horses  were 
brought  to  stand  in  front  of  a  most  imposing  mansion. 

Assisted  to  alight  and  escorted  to  the  house  by  another 
negro,  I  was  met  at  the  door  by  the  lordly  proprietor,  who 
with  much  flourish  introduced  me  to  Mrs.  Roberts,  and  also 
to  their  daughter,  a  charming  Miss  of  some  twenty  summers  ; 
who,  to  my  great  surprise,  received  me  with  a  display  of 
enthusiastic  cordiality  which  outdid  everything  else. 

(228) 


A    CASE  OF   MISTAKEN   IDENTITY. 


229 


During  the  conversation  which  followed,  and  to  which  I 
contributed  as  liberally  as  I  could  without  disclosing  my 
identity,  I  succeeded  in  learning  that  1  had  been  mistaken 
for  a  bachelor  clergyman,  who  for  several  months  had  been 
conducting  an  affectionate  correspondence  with  Miss  Roberts ; 


A  WARM  RECEPTION. 


and  that  this  had  been  brought  about  by  mutual  friends, 
without  the  lovers  themselves  ever  having  met. 

Why  I  did  not  reveal  myself  at  once,  as  in  honor  bound, 
I  cannot  understand.  True,  I  was  well  pleased  with  my 
quarters,  preferring  them  to  the  hotel.  Furthermore,  I  felt 
that  I  was  so  far  into  the  scrape  that  it  would  be  difficult  to 


230 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


back  out  with  grace  and  dignity.  I  had  already  told  at 
least  a  half  dozen  fictions  in  trying  to  answer  Mr.  Roberts' 
numerous  questions  regarding  the  size  of  my  congregation, 
the  number  of  funerals  and  weddings  I  had  been  called  to 
attend,  and  the  general  condition  of  my  spiritual  and  finan 
cial  prospects. 

I  stumbled  along  tolerably  well,  however,  until  finally  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Roberts  excused  themselves  and  retired  to  their 


A   DILEMMA. 

sleeping-room,  leaving  me  alone  with  the  only  remaining 
member  of  the  family. 

Here  was  a  dilemma.  She  was  bashful,  and  so  was  I. 
For  some  moments — it  seemed  hours — neither  of  us  spoke. 

She  was  the  first  to  muster  courage.  Striking  an  appro 
priate  attitude,  she  opened  her  pretty  lips  and  remarked : 

"  We  are  having  fine  weather  now." 

In  a  few  brief  sentences  I  succeeded  in  conveying  the 


A    CASE   OF   MISTAKEN   IDENTITY.  231 

intelligence  to  her  that  in  my  humble  opinion  she  had  told 
the  truth. 

Another  painful  pause  followed,  in  which  vivid  visions  of 
Augusta  were  constantly  before  my  eyes. 

This  time  I  was  first  to  speak. 

"  I  am  afraid,"  said  I,  "  that  I  am  keeping  you  up." 

"Oh,  dear  no,"  she  answered,  coming  a  little  closer  to  me. 

I  leaned  the  other  way. 

"  Are  you  disappointed  in  me  ? "  she  inquired,  most 
pathetically. 

«  Not  in  the  le^ast." 

"  Do  I  look  like  my  photograph  ?  " 

"  Yes,  you  are  a  perfect  picture  of  it." 

"  Why  would  you  never  send  me  your  photograph,  so  I 
could  see  what  a  fine-looking" 

I  interrupted  her.  For  Augusta's  sake.  I  could  not  allow 
her  to  finish  the  sentence. 

"  Let  us  drop  this  subject,"  said  I, "  until  we  become  better 
acquainted." 

"  Do  you  think  I  am  too  forward  ? "  she  asked,  her  voice 
apparently  half  choked  with  tears." 

"No,  not  that  exactly,  but  I, — I, — I  am  confoundedly 
backward,  you  see." 

"  Why,  how  strangely  you  talk,  for  a  minister  ! " 

"  Yes,  I  am  different  from  most  ministers,"  and  then,  in 
order  to  let  her  feelings  down  as  easily  as  possible,  I  added : 

"  To  tell  the  truth,  Miss  Roberts,  I  am  known  in  my  own 
city  as  an  unmitigated  idiot,  an  unsophisticated  imbecile,  a 
beetleheaded  booby,  a  confirmed  doodle,  a  lackbrain  innocent, 
a  preposterous  simpleton,  an  egregious  fool,  an  incurable  " — 

"  Oh,  I  know,"  she  interposed,  "  that  all  good  ministers 
are  talked  against  by  the  wicked  world,  and  that  the  wiser 


232  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

they  are  in  things  spiritual,  the  more  foolish  they  appear  in 
the  eyes  of  the  unregenerate." 

"  You  would  not  be  silly  enough  to  marry  such  a  man, 
would  you  ?  " 

"  Oh,  really,"  she  answered,  stammering  and  blushing, 
"  your  question  is  so  sudden  that  I  must  take  time  to  reflect 
and  to  consult  my  papa  and  mama." 

I  saw  that  I  was  getting  deeper  and  deeper  into  the  treach 
erous  quicksand  from  which  I  was  struggling  to  extricate 
myself.  "  Let  us  have  an  understanding  immediately !  " 
said  I,  determining  to  tell  her  the  whole  truth. 

"  What  impetuous  creatures  you  men  are ! "  she  responded 
gently.  "  Of  course  I  might  answer  at  once  for  myself,  but 
papa  is  rather  peculiar,  and  will  expect  to  be  consulted. 
Won't  you  please  wait  until  to-morrow,  so  that  we  can  all 
hear  you  preach  first  ?  " 

I  gave  vent  to  a  sickly  laugh. 

"  By  the  way,"  she  continued,  "  it  is  quite  late  now,  and 
in  order  to  do  your  best  to-morrow  you  will  require  a  good 
night's  sleep.  Shall  I  summons  our  man  Andrew,  and  have 
him  show  you  to  your  room  ?  " 

"  Nothing  would  suit  me  better,"  I  replied. 

Andrew  came  accordingly,  and  when  I  had  said  good 
night  in  an  absent  sort  of  manner  to  my  fair  hostess,  I  was 
conducted  to  a  suite  of  rooms  which,  so  the  servant  said, 
had  been  newly-furnished  for  my  special  accommodation. 
Had  I  always  lived  in  luxury,  these  apartments  would  still 
have  elicited  my  astonishment  and  admiration,  for  nothing 
was  wanting  in  their  beauty  and  finish  which  the  most  fas 
tidious  taste  could  suggest. 

A  most  costly  Bible  and  prayer-book  had  been  placed  near 
the  bed,  on  a  table  which  was  cut  from  a  single  stone, — that 


A   CASE   OF  MISTAKEN   IDENTITY. 


233 


might  have  been  brought  from  Jerusalem.  A  richly-embroid- 
dered  cushion,  placed  on  the  floor  near  the  table,  suggested 
comfort  and  ease  while  attending  to  one's  duties,  so  I 
immediately  sat  down  on  it  to  pull  my  boots  off.  I  found 
that,  having  walked  more  than  usual  that  day,  my  feet 
had  swollen  considerably,  which  seriously  interfered  with 
the  leathers  coming  off.  I  succeeded,  however,  in  removing 


LUXURIOUS  QUARTERS. 

one  of  them,  but  the  other  withstood  my  most  desperate 
efforts  ;  I  finally  had  to  give  up  the  job,  and  like  "  my  son 
John  "  of  olden  time,  I  bounded  into  bed,  neither  shod  nor 
barefoot,  hoping  to  lose  myself  in  sleep  without  any  unnec 
essary  delay.  In  this  expectation  I  was  doomed  to  disap 
pointment.  Something — or  rather  a  good  deal — was  missing. 
I  needed  the  charm  of  crying  babies,  and  I  am  sure  my 
slumber  would  have  been  sweet  and  sound,  if  Augusta  could 


234  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

have  been  traveling  about  the  room,  bringing  water,  distribut 
ing  medicine,  replenishing  the  fire,  looking  after  the  windows, 
rearranging  sheets  and  pillows,  and  fixing  things  generally. 
Custom  will  not  tolerate  violent  wrenching  without  a  pro 
test. 

Nor  was  my  conscience  quite  easy.  I  had  that  day 
spoken  harshly  to  the  best  woman  in  the  world.  I  had 
given  her  no  parting  kiss.  I  had  caused  her  to  believe  she 
was  the  torment  of  my  life ;  and  had  left  her  in  an  exceed 
ingly  unhappy  state.  Moreover,  I  had  allowed  an  innocent 
young  lady  to  bestow  affection  upon  me.  I  knew  she 
would  take  it  all  back  the  next  day,  but  still  I  could  not 
hold  myself  entirely  guiltless.  At  that  very  moment  I  was 
occupying  a  bed  designed  for  another  man.  Then  I  imagined 
everything  imaginable. 

"  Suppose,"  I  soliloquized,  "  that  the  real  Eeverend  Mr. 
Berkeley  comes  here  before  I  can  get  away ! "  I  grew 
nervous.  I  got  out  of  bed  and  gathered  together  my  valua 
bles.  Then  I  put  the  entire  collection — two  dollars  and 
ninety  cents  in  money,  a  jack-knife,  a  lead-pencil,  and  a 
second-hand  pistol — under  my  pillow. 

Still  I  could  not  sleep.     I  grew  feverish. 

Having  observed  before  retiring  that  a  bath-room  had 
been  placed  at  my  disposal,  I  resolved  to  plunge  all  over 
into  cold  water.  In  this  I  succeeded  very  well,  except  for 
the  unaccountable  blunder  of  putting  the  wrong  foot  fore 
most,  thus  giving  my  obstinate  boot  a  thorough  soaking, 
which  I  did  not  intend  to  do. 

Again  I  courted  Morpheus,  but  with  as  little  success  as 
Miss  Roberts  had  experienced  in  courting  me.  However, 
after  a  wretched  hour  or  two  of  vigorous  tossing,  I  lost 
consciousness. 


A    CASE   OF   MISTAKEN   IDENTITY. 


235 


Suddenly  my  ears  were  pierced,  and  the  still  air  rent,  by 
the  harsh  sound  of  female  screeching.  It  evidently  pro 
ceeded  from  a  room  under  my  own.  I  could  distinguish  the 
cry  of  "  Papa !  papa !  come  quick !  quick !  hurry !  " 

I  felt  sure  that  the  house  had  been  broken  into  by  burglars, 
and  that  the  heiress  of  the  estate  was  in  great  peril. 

Although  I  had  never  been  personally  troubled  with 
house-breakers,  I  felt  confident  that  I  knew  just  how  to 


A  MIDNIGHT  SHOWER. 


proceed,  as  I  had  once  written  an  editorial  on  the  subject, 
as  follows : 

"  The  right  way  is  to  shoot  off  a  pistol  at  random.  Then 
the  burglars  will  run  for  dear  life.  This  saves  killing  them. 
It  is  a  mistake  to  shoot  them  dead  before  they  have  had  a 
fair  trial  by  their  peers.  We  should  exercise  chanty  —  as 
there  may  be  extenuating  circumstances ;  perhaps  they  are 
insane." 


236  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

I  discharged  my  firearm.  The  next  instant  I  heard  some 
one  open  a  window,  and  yell :  "  Police !  Murder !  Police !  " 

I  now  tried  to  dress  myself,  but  was  so  excited  that  I 
could  make  no  headway ;  and  when  some  one  came  to  my 
door,  I  threatened  to  blow  him  into  eternity  if  he  did  not 
vacate  the  premises  forthwith. 

After  some  minutes  I  discovered  that  the  intruder  was 
none  other  than  Mr.  Roberts  himself,  who  was  in  search  of 
the  origin  of  the  pistol  report.  I  explained,  but  he  did  not 
appear  to  be  well  pleased  with  my  account. 

He  then  hunted  up  his  daughter,  and  learned  that  she 
had  given  the  alarm  in  the  first  instance  because  of  a  great 
flood  of  water  which  had  descended  into  her  sleeping  apart 
ment,  bringing  with  it  the  heavy,  frescoed  ceiling,  from  the 
fall  of  which  she  had  sustained  considerable  injury. 

This  was  the  whole  trouble.  In  taking  my  bath,  I  had 
left  the  water  turned  on,  and  there  was  no  overflow  pipe. 
A  flood  was  the  result,  while  my  shot  had  completed  the 
scare,  which  brought  out  the  cry  of  "murder"  from  my 
worthy  host.  The  case  would  have  been  less  deplorable 
had  not  the  bullet,  which  I  had  sent  flying  into  the  dark 
ness,  struck  off  the  nose  of  Venus  de  Medici,  and  split  open 
the  head  of  Falconnet's  Peter  the  Great. 

Next  morning  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Roberts  received  me  with 
surprising  cordiality,  considering  what  the  night  had  brought 
forth.  Evidently  they  were  determined  that  no  untoward 
circumstances  should  be  allowed  to  interfere  with  the  bril 
liant  prospect  of  securing  such  a  prepossessing  son-in-law. 

We  sat  down  to  breakfast,  but  although  everything 
seemed  to  be  in  readiness  for  beginning  to  eat,  there 
occurred  an  embarrassing  delay.  The  host  looked  at  me 
pleadingly,  but  I  utterly  failed  to  take  the  hint. 


A  RANDOM  SHOT. 


A   CASE   OP   MISTAKEN   IDENTITY.  239 

"  We  are  accustomed  to  the  usual  ceremony,"  he  finally 
said ;  but  I  was  as  much  in  the  dark  as  ever,  and  remained 
mum,  wondering  why  we  could  not  initiate  proceedings  on 
the  chop  before  the  gravy  had  all  turned  to  tallow. 

"  Oh,  I  beg  pardon  ! "  exclaimed  the  head  of  the  family, 
just  as  the  situation  had  become  unbearable ;  "  I  should 
have  explained  to  our  reverend  friend,  that  our  daughter 
will  not  join  us  in  the  morning  meal,  on  account  of  her 
face  being  considerably  disfigured  by  the  falling  plaster. 
Please,  sir,  give  thanks." 

I  felt  embarrassed.  True,  I  was  not  wholly  ungrateful 
for  the  calamity  that  had  befallen  Miss  Roberts,  but  I  did 
not  care  to  express  my  feelings  in  the  presence  of  her  parents. 

Suddenly  the  full  realization  of  what  was  expected  of  me 
flashed  across  my  mind  with  overwhelming  force.  But 
what  could  I  do  ?  I  despise  hypocrisy.  As  for  profanely 
tampering  with  sacred  things,  the  very  idea  is  abhorrent  to 
me.  I  am  exceedingly  fond  of  folly.  It  is  my  meat,  drink, 
and  native  air.  Without  it,  life  would  be  oppressively 
stupid.  Yet  for  the  sake  of  my  respect  for  the  sanctities,  I 
can  sacrifice  some  of  my  choicest  foolishness.  For  me  to 
have  said  grace  a.t  that  breakfast-table  would  have  been  to 
publish  an  act  of  insincerity  in  the  face  of  heaven.  Besides, 
I  did  not  know  how  to  start ;  and,  if  once  started,  I  never 
could  have  stopped.  So  I  flatly  refused  to  ask  the  blessing. 

Mr.  Roberts  looked  horrified.  He  said  grace  himself,  but 
with  no  good  feeling.  Nor  could  it  have  received  any 
answer,  for  not  one  of  us  recovered  our  spirits.  In  quiet 
we  drank  our  coffee,  which  had  become  cool.  The  meal 
being  finished,  Mr.  Roberts  received  a  telegram. 

"  What  is  this  ? "  he  exclaimed.  "  Here  is  a  dispatch 
from  Mr.  Berkeley,  saying  that  he  missed  the  train,  but  will 

15 


240 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL  OF   A    HUSBAND. 


come  on  the  boat.      Who  are  you  ?  "  he  vociferated,  looking 
at  me  savagely. 

"  I  am  Mr.  Berkeley." 

"  What  Berkeley  ?  " 

"  August,  the  happy  possessor  of  a  wife  and  six  children." 

"  You  are  an  impostor,  and  I  shall  have  you  arrested ! " 


"WHO  ABE  YOU?" 

«t 

How  different  his  voice,  how  changed  his  demeanor  had 
suddenly  become.  His  anger  was  the  lightning's  flash,  which, 
in  an  instant,  revealed  the  whole  landscape  of  his  real 
character. 

I  talked  to  him  mildly,  but  his  wrath  grew  hotter  and 
hotter.  Mrs.  Roberts  dropped  her  superficiality,  and  joined 
her  husband  in  giving  me  a  tirade  of  abuse  such  as  I  hope 
never  to  receive  again. 

Miss  Roberts,  hearing  the  tumult,  now  put  in  her  appear 
ance,  which  was  a  very  sorry  one,  and  from  that  time  on,  I 


A    CASE   OF   MISTAKEN    IDENTITY.  241 

could  not  make  myself  heard  at  all,  nor  was  poor,  raving 
Mr.  Roberts  much  better  off. 

The  young  lady  declared  that  on  the  previous  evening  I 
had  used  insulting  language  to  her,  having  asked  her  to 
become  my  wife;  and  gave  it  as  her  opinion  that  I  had 
flooded  the  house  purposely,  in  revenge  for  her  persistent 
refusal. 

Thereupon  her  devoted  father  clenched  his  fists  and  came 
rather  nearer  to  me  than  was  agreeable.  I  mentally  de- 


HER  APPEARANCE. 


clared  that  if  once  I  got  home  alive,  I  would  never  leave 
Augusta  again. 

I  cast  about  for  my  hat,  and  announced  that  I  was  ready 
to  leave.  The  gentleman  of  the  house  informed  me  that  I 
should  never  leave  him  until  I  had  paid  every  item  of 
damage  I  had  caused,  including  frescoed  ceiling,  costly 
furniture,  and  three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars  worth  of 
statuary. 

I  thought  then  that  I  had  never  heard  the  doctrine  of 
eternity  put  in  a  stronger  way. 


242  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Mrs.  Roberts  said  she  cared  nothing  for  house  or  goods, 
but  that  I  should  be  made  to  pay  all  I  was  worth  on  account 
of  my  shameful  treatment  of  her  precious  daughter. 

I  was  glad  her  estimate  of  this  matter  was  so  insignificant. 

The  confusion  of  tongues  had  not  yet  begun  to  abate, 
when  the  Rev.  John  Berkeley  was  announced. 


STEPPING  OUT. 

My  tormentors  drew  in  their  quills  at  once.  They  re 
ceived  him  with  fawning  suavity.  While  they  drew  him 
aside  to  describe  to  him  the  trouble  which  had  grown  out 
of  a  mistaken  identity,  I  watched  my  chance,  found  my  hat, 
and  silently  stole  away. 

Next  morning  I  had  no  heart  for  business,  so  I  hastened 
home  without  meeting  a  single  subscriber  to  the  Farmer's 
Guide. 

Augusta  never  looked  better  to  me,  for  I  had  experienced 


A    CASE   OF   MISTAKEN   IDENTITY. 


243 


a  very  strong  contrast.     I  gave  her  a  full  and  true  account 
of  my  adventures.     To  which  she  replied  : 

"  Pledge  me  this :  that  you  will  never  leave  home  again 
without  a  guardian." 


CHAPTER    XXII. 

MY  MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

THIS  chapter  must  contain  an  account  of  the  most 
momentous  events  of  my  life.  The  thrilling  expe 
riences  I  have  had  with  my  mother-in-law  can  never  be 
effaced  from  my  memory.  x 

Soon  after  the  occurrences  recorded  in  the  last  chapter, 
my  wife's  mother  wrote  me  a  letter  saying,  that  as  she  grew 
old  she  missed  Augusta  more  and  more  every  day :  she 
craved  her  companionship,  and  it  seemed  as  if  she  could  not 
be  separated  from  her  daughter  any  longer.  Besides,  she 
felt  that  in  her  declining  years  she  needed  that  daughter's 
care,  and  asked  if  it  would  be  agreeable  for  her  to  come  to 
New  York,  and  make  her  home  with  us. 

I  was  so  anxious  to  manifest  a  generous  cordiality  in  my 
response,  that  I  would  not  employ  the  postal  service,  but 
telegraphed,  "  Come,  by  all  means." 

She  came. 

If  you  will  believe  it,  she  had  not  been  in  our  house  much 
over  an  hour  before  she  called  me  into  a  room  by  ourselves 
and  said : 

"  August,  I  feel  it  my  duty  to  say  a  few  words  to  you  on  a 
very  delicate  subject.  You  will  not  be  greatly  offended 

with  me,  will  you  ?  " 

(244) 


MY   MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


245 


"  Certainly  not,"  I  replied ;  "  but,  on  the  contrary,  shall 
have  all  the  greater  respect  for  you  if  you  speak  your  mind 
freely." 

"  I  have  long  had  a  suspicion,"  she  began,  "  and  it  is  now 
confirmed  by  observation,  that  you — " 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

POSSIBLY  the  reader  may  have  noticed  that  the  last 
chapter  terminated  somewhat  abruptly. 

The  interruption  was  caused  by  the  accidental  discovery, 
on  the  part  of  my  wife,  of  the  particular  subject  upon  which 
I  had  undertaken  to  write.  We  have  just  had  a  quiet  little 
talk,  of  two  days'  and  one  night's  duration,  concerning  the 
propriety  of  my  going  on  with  it.  The  result  is  that  I  have 
changed  my  mind:  and  think  it  best,  under  the  circum 
stances,  to  drop  "  My  Mother-in-law,"  forthwith. 

I  do  not  think  Mrs.  Berkeley  is  a  sound  logician,  although 
I  am  free  to  admit  that  she  has  times  of  being  persuasive. 
I  may  as  well  say  that  her  respected  mother  is  a  dear,  good 
old  lady,  without  spot  or  blemish!  How  quiet  the  house 
has  now  become ! 

Augusta  has  her  sleeves  rolled  up,  and  is  working  with 
tremendous  energy.  She  says  she  is  three  days  behind  in 
her  household  duties. 

I  am  a  little  behind  myself,  in  more  respects  than  one. 
What  a  singular  metamorphosis  I  have  undergone.  Away 
down  in  the  lower  depths  of  my  mind,  I  find  myself  pos 
sessed  of  opinions  which  have  the  appearance  of  having 
been  recently  driven  in.  They  are  still  hot. 

For  example,  I  now  hold  that  the  man  who  will  speak 

(246) 


JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


247 


lightly  of  his  mother-in-law  is  a  wretch.  He  is  a  monster 
of  ingratitude.  He  is  perfectly  horrid.  He  has  no  respect 
for  his  wife's  most  tender  feelings.  He  is  simply  aping 
those  would-be  wits  whose  entire  stock  in  trade  is  rudeness 
and  vulgarity.  Any  man  who  pretends  to  be  a  man  should 
set  a  better  example.  It  is  an  incivility  which  no  wife 

having  a  proper  respect  for  herself 
would  for  a  moment  tolerate.  And 
so  forth. 

Still,  I  am  resolved  that  my 
book  shall 
not  suffer  on 
account  of 
my  recent 
conversion. 


BEHIND   TIME. 


Fortunately  I  have 
other  materials  at 
hand. 

About  the  time  that 
my  wife's  respected 
mother  —  bless  her  heart!  may  her  tribe  increase!  —  came 
to  live  with  us,  my  friend  Jewell  sent  me  a  note  asking  me 
to  call  on  him.  I  complied  with  his  request. 

"  I  am  going  abroad,"  said  he,  "  to  be  gone  several  years." 
"  Sorry  to  hear  it,"  I  replied,  "  for  you  have  been  more 

• 

than  a  brother  to  me." 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


"  Thank  you.  I  shall  now  have  the  courage  to  ask  a 
favor  of  you." 

"Anything!  Anything!"  I  responded,  enthusiastically. 
"  I  owe  my  life  to  you,  and  I  remember  telling  you,  at  the 
time  you  heroically  saved  it,  that  I  should  always  be 
ready  to  render  you  any  assistance  in  my  power." 

"  Yes,  I  believe  you  did ;  but  let  that  pass.  What  I  want 
to  say  is  that  I  have  a  mother-in-law." 

"You  surprise  me!"  I 
exclaimed. 

"  She  is  a  little  queer," 
he  continued. 

"  Zounds !  How  very 
odd!  So  is  —  " 

I  checked  myself  so  sud 
denly  that  it  took  me  some 
time  to  rearrange  my  im 
ported  teeth. 

"  My  mother-in-law  has 
plenty  of  property,"  re 
sumed  Jewell;  "but  she 

A  STARTLING  REVELATION. 

made  me  promise  that  I 

would  ask  some  worthy  gentleman  to  look  after  her 
occasionally  during  my  absence  in  foreign  lands." 

"Is  that  all?"  I  asked,  in  surprise. 

"That  is  all,"  said  he;  "I  have  now  fulfilled  my  promise 
by  making  the  request  of  you." 

"  I  will  do  it  to  her  heart's  content,"  I  replied  impulsively. 

Affectionately  and  sorrowfully,  Jewell  and  I  separated. 

Two  days  afterward,  it  occurred  to  me  that  he  had  not 
given  me  either  his  own  address  or  that  of.his  mother-in-law. 
I  began  to  think  he  had  been  playing  a  joke  on  me. 


JKWKU/S    MOTHEIMN-L.\\V. 


JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW.  251 

Alas!  it  was  no  joke.  The  woman  could  speak  for  her 
self,  as  the  following  letter  will  show  : 

Skeetovil  newjersey 

toozdy  fournoon 
yere  uv  the  lord 
Mister  orgus  burkly 
Deer  sur 

my  darters  huzbund  tol  me  you  wuz  a  good  feller  he  tol  me  he  dugg 
you  outer  10  footer  sand  wen  you  wuz  ded  azer  dore  nale  he  sed  in 
kornseederasion  uv  the  deed  he  did  you  you  prommissed  too  look  arter 
me  wile  he  sarnters  threw  urup  I  warnt  you  too  cum  twomorry  I  liv  on 
the  besst  farm  in  skeetovil  2  mild  sowth  uv  the  ortodox  meetin  hows 
the  staj  bringz  you  too  my  dore  I  fele  wee  shal  be  the  besst  uv  frens. 

yures  respecktivly 
Matilda  Bricksee  late  wif  uv  jonerthon  bricksee  square 

There  was  something  in  the  general  tone  and  appearance 
of  this  letter  that  did  not  impress  me  quite  favorably. 

However,  next  day  I  boarded  the  first  train  for  Skeeto- 
ville,  and  went  forth  for  the  purpose  of  acquainting  myself 
more  thoroughly  with  my  new  acquisition. 

I  found  Mrs.  Bricksee  in  a  corn-field,  hoeing  up  weeds. 
She  gave  me  a  warm  reception,  and  invited  me  to  lend  a 
hand  and  hoe  a  row,  which  I  did. 

We  worked  along  together  very  nicely,  interspersing  our 
labor  with  conversation. 

"This  ere  is  the  biggest  field  in  these  parts,"  she  re 
marked. 

"How  large  is  it?"  I  inquired. 

"Nearly  five  acres." 

This  lead  to  a  comparison  of  one  great  thing  with 
another,  and  in  order  to  interest  her  I  told  her  that  Saint 
Peter's  Church  at  Rome  was  so  large  that  her  entire  corn 
field  would  not  furnish  space  enough  for  it  to  stand  on. 


252 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


"Looker  here ! "  she  exclaimed,  eyeing  me  closely.  "You 
may  as  well  understand  fust  as  last,  that  that  wuz  the  only 
fault  Jewell  had." 

"And  what  fault  is  that?"  I  inquired. 
"He  wuz   a  tremenjus   liar.     It  led  to  onpleasantness 
'twixt  me  an'  him ;  an'  I  would  n't  be  s'prised  if  that 's  th' 
reason  he 's  taken  his  wife  an'  gone  kitin'  off  to  Eurup." 
"  But  I  have  not  told  you  anything  but  the  truth,"  I  pro 
tested. 

"Thar  'tis  agin. 
That  wuz  Jewell's 
way  to  a  dot.  He 
wud  n't  only  lie,  but 
he'd  swar  to  it." 

I  dropped  the  ba 
silica  at  Rome,  and 
came  nearer  home. 
"They  have  just 
had  a  terrible  tor 
nado  out  in  Iowa," 
I  ventured  to  re- 

TENDER  RECOLLECTIONS.  mark. 

"Never  hern  tell  of  Iowa.  What  part  of  New  Jersey 
is 'tin?" 

I  dropped  the  tornado. 

It  occurred  to  me  I  had  better  let  her  introduce  topics  of 
conversation  to  suit  herself. 

She  spent  an  hour  and  a  half  telling  me  about  a  man's 
owing  her  four  cents;  and  she  was  not  through  with  the 
subject  yet  when  I  accidentally  cut  off  a  pumpkin-vine  with 
my  hoe.  It  was  really  pitiful  to  see  how  bad  the  woman 
felt,  as  she  tenderly  lifted  the  severed  parts. 


JEWELL'S  MOTHER-IN-LAW. 


253 


"What  use  do  you  make  of  pumpkins?"  I  inquired. 

"Bile  'em  inter  surrup  for  my  barley  coffee.  My  late 
departed  husband  wuz  passhinitly  fond  of  it.  'T  wuz  th'  las' 
thing  he  iver  drunk." 

"  Let  us  be  reconciled.  He  is  better  off  where  he  is,"  I 
said,  pathetically,  observing  two  or  three  tears  chasing  each 
other  down  her  skinny  face. 

"  You  're  a  great  comfort  to  me,"  she  answered.     "  I'm 
glad  ter  see  you  're  posted  on  Scripter.    Now 
thar's   one   varse  in    th'   Old    Testermunt 
that's  alwuz  puzzled  my  brain.     Ken  you 
make  it  clear  to  me?" 

"Most  likely  I  can,"  I 
responded,  though  realiz 
ing  that  in  Sunday-school 
literature  I 
was  sadly  de- 
ficient. 

"Wai,  what 
I  wanter  know 
is  this:  The 
Bible  says, 
'Wherefore 
the  Lord  bless 
ed  the  sabbath 
day  an'  holler 
ed  it:  What  did  he  holler  *&'  for?" 

This  was  a  poser.  I  confess  I  had  never  thought  of  it 
before.  Still,  I  would  not  acknowledge  my  ignorance,  but 
would  make  an  effort  to  enlighten  the  woman. 

"You  must  not  understand,"  said  I,  "that  the  Lord 
holloed  that  particular  word  '  it,'  for  the  Record  says  that 


'WATCH  OUT  THAK!" 


254  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

He  blessed  the  sabbath  day  and  holloed  it;  that  is,  holloed 
the  blessing  so  that  all  the  world  would  hear  it." 

"  Wai  now,  that's  th'  most  common  sense  explination  I 
iver  hern.  That's  wot  'tis  to  be  lamed.  You'd  ought  ter 
ben  a  preacher.  Watch  out  thar,  you  blamed  idjut ;  them's 
water  millon  vines  you  're  hoeing  up ! " 

I  had  innocently  taken  them  for  weeds,  and  demolished 
about  half  of  the  entire  lot. 

Mrs.  Bricksee  became  more  and  more  excited,  as  the  full 
extent  of  the  mischief  was  more  and  more  revealed.  Her 
railing  was  not  pleasant.  Her  voice  was  high-pitched  and 
harsh.  The  combined  noise  of  katydids,  tree-toads,  hens, 
and  parrots  would  have  furnished  a  very  desirable  contrast. 

When  she  sneezed,  she  had  a  stentorian  way  of  scream 
ing,  "HASH-ee,"  which  elicited  much  merriment  from  dis 
tant  neighbors. 

"  Did  you  ever  go  to  wot's  called  a  lectur  ?  "  she  inquired, 
as  I  was  about  taking  my  leave. 

"  Yes,  I  have  attended  a  great  many  lectures." 

"  I  want  you  ter  take  me  ter  one.  I've  a  great  curosity 
to  know  wot  th'  thing 's  like.  I've  niver  ben  any  whar 
'cept  ter  th'  meetin'  house." 

I  promised  I  would  take  her  at  my  earliest  convenience. 

When  I  went  home  I  could  not  muster  up  courage  enough 
to  tell  Augusta  where  I  had  been,  or  what  I  had  promised. 
Neither  did  I  mention  the  subject  to  my  wife's  respected 
mother.  Bless  her  heart !  May  her  tribe  increase !  May 
future  generations  rise  up  and  call  her — a  darling ! 

It  is  good  to  keep  secrets  when  occasion  requires.  The 
principal  use  of  secret  societies  is  to  discipline  men  in  the 
art  of  holding  fast  that  which  should  not  be  let  go.  Half 
the  troubles  of  society  grow  out  of  reporting  things  which 


JEWELL'S  MOTHEE-IN-LAW.  255 

should  forever  be  left  unreported,  even  though  they  be  true. 

The  early  Christians  found  it  good  to  have  secret  ceremo 
nies.  Chamfort  is  right :  "An  indiscreet  man  is  an  unsealed 
letter ;  every  one  can  read  it."  But  it  requires  great  firm 
ness  of  character  to  be  able  to  retain  a  real  interesting  bit 
of  gossip. 

La  Fontaine  says :  "  It  is  difficult  for  a  woman  to  keep  a 
secret,  and  I  know  more  than  one  man  who  is  a  woman." 
The  ancients  dedicated  temples  to  Taciturnity.  Therein 
they  were  wise. 


CHAPTER   XXIV. 

DISTURBING   A   MEETING. 

A  GENTLEMAN  known  as  the  Rev.  Hallmid  was  to  give 
a  lecture  in  Stein  way  Hall,  and  I  thought  I  might  as 
well  take  Mrs.  Bricksee  to  hear  him,  and  thus  fulfill  my 
promise  to  that  eccentric  woman. 

The  subject  which  he  had  announced  was,  "  The  Bright 
Side.;"  and  I  had  every  reason  to  believe  he  would  say 
some  bright  things. 

I  found  Mrs.  Bricksee  laboring  with  a  cold,  and  I  gener 
ously  presented  her  with  half  a  box  of  my  Bethsaida  snuff. 
I  had  been  carrying  it  in  my  pocket  on  purpose,  anticipating 
that  I  might  meet  some  particular  friend  whom  I  should 
desire  to  "  treat." 

In  reply  to  numerous  questions,  I  was  forced  to  explain 
to  her  that  considerable  sneezing  might  be  reasonably 
expected  as  one  of  the  immediate  results  of  applying  the 
remedy  to  the  nasal  organ. 

She  didn't  quite  know  what  I  meant,  but  nevertheless 
she  resolved  to  put  the  Bethsaida  in  her  snuff-box  and  leave 
it  there  until  such  time  as  she  could  be  alone.  She  seemed 
to  realize  that  her  sneezing  was  a  one-horse  power,  if  not 
more. 

The  lecture  did  not  turn  out  to  be  quite  as  interesting  as 
I  had  anticipated.  There  was  nothing  wrong  about  it.  I 

(256) 


DISTURBING   A   MEETING.  257 

was  especially  disappointed  in  not  finding  that  the  speaker 
was  a  first-class  acrobat. 

In  fact,  Mrs.  Bricksee  was  so  little  interested  and  enlight 
ened  by  what  was  said  that,  before  the  entertainment  was 
half  through,  she  was  soundly  asleep.  I  had  no  objection 
to  this  until  she  began  to  snore.  Then,  when  I  discovered 
that  two  or  three  hundred  pairs  of  eyes  were  concentrating 
their  gaze  on  us,  I  began  to  feel  uncomfortable,  and 
resolved  to  wake  her  up.  So  using  all  the  force  born  of 
impulsiveness  and  vexation,  I  gave  her  a  nudge  with  my 
sharp-pointed  elbow,  and  succeeded  in  getting  more  response 
than  I  anticipated. 

"  Oh !  oh !  What  on  arth's  th'  matter  ?  Who  done 
that  ?  Whar  be  I  ? "  she  exclaimed,  in  a  voice  which  would 
not  permit  any  one  else  in  the  house  to  remain  asleep. 

I  quieted  her  as  quickly  as  I  could,  and  then  explained  to 
her  that  she  had  been  unconsciously  breathing  so  hard  that 
I  was  compelled  to  gently  arouse  her  f rom  peaceful  slumber. 

She  pledged  me  her  word  she  would  not  fall  asleep  again 
until  the  dull  performance  was  over,  notwithstanding  it  was 
already  considerably  past  her  bed-time. 

I  will  give  her  credit  for  trying  hard  to  keep  her  promise  ; 
but  the  oppressive  heat  of  the  room  and  the  heavy  cold  in 
her  head  were  unfavorable  conditions. 

She  must  have  been  just  across  the  border  of  dream-land 
when  the  Rev.  Hallmid,  speaking  on  the  importance  of 
"earnestness"  in  the  work  of  salvation,  gave  dramatic 
expression  to  the  following  sentences : 

"  What  would  you  think,  if  a  neighbor  should  come  to 
your  house  some  fine  day,  open  the  gate  very  deliberately, 
close  it  after  him,  knock  at  the  door,  walk  slowly  into  your 

parlor,  take  a  seat  with  all  due  formality,  clear  his  throat, 
16 


258 


MY   WIFE  S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


offer  some  dull  remarks  about  the  weather,  and  finally  say 
to  you,  in  a  drawling  manner, '  Sir,  I  beg  that  you  will  par 
don  me  for  appearing  be 
fore  you  at  this  time,  but 
the  fact  of  the  matter  is, 
sir,  your  house  is  on  fire.' 
You  would  not  believe  him. 
Neither  do  you  believe 
those  w7ho  adopt  this  same 
stupid  style  in  preaching 
about  the  fire  which  is 
eternal,  where  the  worm 
dieth  not. 

"  But  suppose  you  were 
to  see  a  man  rushing  to 
ward  your  dwelling  at  a 
break-neck  pace,  and  were 
to  hear  him  utter  the  soul- 
piercing  cry,  "  FIRE  !  FIRE  ! 
FIRE!" 

"Oh, dear!  Wharisit? 
Take  me  out ! "  shrieked 
Mrs.  Bricksee,  bounding 
from  her  seat,  pale  with 
terror. 

I  clutched  her  with  both 
my  hands,  and  shoved  her 
back  into  her  place  again. 

At  first  the  audience  was 
"  WHAB  M  IT? "  confused ;  but  the  moment 

it  realized  that  the  lecturer's  perfect  acting  had  completely 
deceived  the  old  lady  into  believing  there  was  an  actual  fire, 


DISTURBING    A    MEETING.  259 

it  broke  forth  into  most  tumultuous  laughter,  to  which  was 
added  the  clapping  of  hands  and  stamping  of  feet. 

Mrs.  Bricksee,  whose  experience  at  meetings  had  been 
limited  to  the  decorous  Sunday  gatherings  in  Skeetoville 
church,  was  entirely  unprepared  for  this  sudden  outburst  of 
noisy  demonstration,  and,  getting  the  idea  into  her  head 
that  the  house  was  falling,  again  started  to  her  feet  in  great 
trepidation. 

I  succeeded  in  once  more  allaying  her  fears. 

Mr.  Hallmid  resumed  his  discourse,  and  everybody  in  the 
audience  had  become  quiet,  when  my  companion,  in  order  to 
tone  up  her  nerves,  resorted  to  the  snuff-box. 

I  had  forgotten  that  it  was  filled  with  that  explosive  Beth- 
saida,  or  I  should  have  interfered  to  prevent  a  very  unpleas 
ant  episode.  In  a  moment  I  saw  that  she  was  engaged  in 
trying  to  suppress  an  internal  earthquake.  The  contortions 
of  her  body  were  frightful  to  witness.  Large  drops  of  per 
spiration  rolled  down  her  face.  Once,  twice,  three  times 
she  conquered.  Then  the  strength  of  her  iron  will  was 
exhausted,  and  she  surrendered  unconditionally  to  the  inevi 
table. 

Just  as  the  lecturer  was  saying,  "  The  spiritual  nature  of 
man,  as  well  as  his  physical,  must  have  food,"  she  burst 
forth  with  all  the  power  of  a  fog-horn,  "  Hash-ee ! " 

Such  a  roar  as  the  audience  indulged  in  appalled  me. 
Everybody  felt  merry  except  Mrs.  Bricksee  and  myself. 

But  the  worst  was  not  over.  The  ammunition  with  which 
the  woman  had  loaded  her  double-barreled  gun  would  not  be 
satisfied  with  a  single  sneeze.  It  had  not  yet  finished  its 
work. 

"  I  repeat,"  said  the  speaker, "  the  spiritual  nature  of  man 
is  dependent  on  food." 


260 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


"  HASH-EE  ! "  came  the  response,  as  though  a  cannon  were 
trying  to  talk. 

"HASH-EE!  HASH-EE!  HASH-EE!"  followed  in  quick 
succession. 

Mr.  Hallmid  vainly  endeavored  to  restore  order  amid  the 
assembled  multitude.  Nobody  could  hear  a  word  he  was 
saying,  but  by  the  manner  in  which  his  long  arms  and  legs 


THE  BRICKSEE   MARCH. 


were  swaying  to  and  fro  in  the  air,  one  might  reasonably 
conclude  that  he  was  somewhat  excited. 

I  knew  from  experience  that  the  Bethsaida  dynamite  was 
still  good  for  a  dozen  volleys.  I  gathered  up  what  little 
courage  I  had  left,  took  the  old  lady  by  the  arm,  and 
marched  down  the  center  aisle,  what  seemed  to  me  an  inter 
minable  distance,  from  one  end  of  the  hall  to  the  other, 
while  a  perfect  bedlam  of  cheering  accompanied  my  every 
step. 


DISTURBING    A   MEETING.  261 

I  am  opposed  to  noisy  assemblies.  Feet  and  hands  are 
poor  talkers.  They  should  have  learned  to  keep  quiet  when 
men  first  found  their  tongues,  and  knew  what  they  were  for. 
But  even  the  organs  of  speech  must  be  modest  in  the  midst 
of  a  crowd. 

Solomon's  temple  was  built  without  the  sound  of  hammer. 
So  was  the  universe.  Thus  forever  works  the  Infinite.  As 
men  come  to  be  more  like  the  eternal  model,  they  will  be 
less  disposed  to  pound  the  air  with  their  hands  and  kick  up 
the  dust  with  their  feet,  simply  because  something  is  going 
on  which  was  not  set  down  in  the  programme. 

When  you  attend  the  theater,  if  you  like  the  players, 
smile,  look  pleased,  and  remain  in  your  place  till  the  end  of 
the  play.  That  will  be  a  civilized  way  of  expressing  your 
approval.  If  you  do  not  like  it,  say  nothing,  but  take  your 
hat,  and  quietly  steal  away. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

A  NEW  VARIETY  OF  FOWL. 

T~   OWE  you  two  dollars  and  a  half  for  my  subscription 

-L  to  the  Farmer's  Guide,  but  can't  raise  the  money  to 
pay  it,"  said  a  farmer,  striding  into  my  office. 

"  In  that  case,  I  suppose  I  shall  have  to  contrive  some 
way  to  survive  without  it,"  I  replied,  continuing  to  write  the 
editorial  I  had  begun. 

"  You  will  have  to  contrive  nothing,"  he  replied.  "  I 
have  brought  you  some  very  valuable  eggs.  If  it  were  not 
that  I  am  hard  pressed,  I  would  not  sell  them  for  five  dol 
lars  a  dozen.  As  it  is,  you  can  have  the  dozen  for  the 
amount  I  owe  you." 

"  That  is  very  cheap,"  said  I,  "  especially  if  they  were 
laid  by  the  celebrated  goose  that  had  a  gold  mine  in  her." 

"  Look  here  !  "  exclaimed  he.  "  I  want  you  to  stop  that 
pen  a  few  minutes,  and  listen  to  me.  I've  got  a  farm  worth 
four  thousand  dollars,  and  it  is  clear  of  all  incumbrances. 
I  will  back  my  word  with  my  farm.  These  eggs  are  from  a 
remarkable  breed.  You  will  not  find  them  in  over  two  hen 
neries  in  the  entire  United  States.  The  eggs  are  very* 
small,  as  you  observe,  but  the  mother  of  them  weighs  more 
than  thirty  pounds." 

1  dropped  my  pen.  "  How  much  did  you  say  the  mother 
of  those  eggs  weighs  ?  " 

"  Over  thirty  pounds." 

(262) 


A    NEW    VARIETY   OF    FOWL. 


263 


I  arose  from  my  chair  and  walked  for  a  moment. 

"  Is  she  fit  for  the  table  ? " 

"  Yes,  sir.     The  flesh  of  her  body  is  of  excellent  flavor." 

"  How  much  does  it  cost  to  keep  this  extraordinary 
breed?" 

"  Absolutely  nothing.  They  get  their  own  living,  never 
scratch  up  your  garden,  and  are  entirely  noiseless." 


SUSPENDED  PAYMENT. 


"  Do  I  understand  you  to  say  that,  in  case  there  are  any 
misstatements  in  your  marvelous  account,  you  stand  ready 
to  correct  them  by  the  surrender  of  your  real  estate  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir." 

"  And  are  these  eggs  fresh  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir  ;  laid  yesterday." 


264  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  But  I  have  no  setting  hen.     How  can  I  hatch  them  ?  " 

"  They  hatch  very  easy.  You  have  only  to  wrap  them  up 
and  put  them  under  a  moderately  warm  stove,  or  take  them 
to  bed  with  you." 

"  And  I  can  have  the  whole  dozen  for  two  dollars  and  a 
half?" 

"  Yes,  sir." 


SETTLING  HIS  ACCOUNT. 

"  I'll  take  them.  If  you  have  any  more  at  the  same  price, 
bring  them  in." 

I  did  not  feel  equal  to  the  task  of  hatching  them  myself, 
nor  did  I  wish  to  discommode  my  wife's  respected  mother 
with  the  effort,  so  I  took  them  to  my  adopted  mother-in-law 
in  Skeetoville. 

She  was  much  pleased  with  them,  and  declared  with 
enthusiasm  that  she  had  never  seen  rounder  eggs  in  her  life. 
She  had  already  had  some  experience  in  hatching  chickens. 


A   NEW   VARIETY   OF   FOWL.  265 

On  several  occasions,  the  hens  on  which  she  had  depended 
to  incubate  goose  eggs  had  become  discouraged  before  the 
goslings  appeared,  and  Mrs.  Bricksee  had  kindly  taken  up 
the  work  where  the  hens  left  off,  and  carried  it  forward  to  a 
successful  issue. 

When  I  informed  her  that  the  eggs  which  I  had  brought 
would  require  much  less  than  the  ordinary  amount  of  caloric 
to  bring  out  the  chicks,  she  replied : 

"  Go  ter  th'  dogs  with  yer  caloric  ;  I  don't  never  use  it ;  I 
foller  nater.  D'ye  think  ev'ry  old  hen  wot  sets  has  ter  go 
er  trottin'  off  ter  th'  'pothercary  shop  to  git  some  caloric? 
You  're  greener  'n  I  tuk  yer  fur." 

Several  days  after  this  a  boy  rushed  into  my  office,  saying 
that  he  had  been  sent  to  bring  me  to  Mrs.  Bricksee's  with 
out  a  second's  delay ;  that  she  was  not  expected  to  hold  out 
long,  and  must  see  me  before  she  died. 

Figuratively  speaking,  I  dropped  everything  and  flew. 

I  found  Jewell's  mother-in-law  prostrate  on  the  lounge, 
evidently  suffering  from  some  great  nervous  shock. 

In  response  to  anxious  inquiries,  all  I  could  elicit  from 
her  was,  "  Bed-bugs !  bed-bugs ! " 

Nearly  every  woman  is  unaccountably,  almost  supersti- 
tiously  afraid  of  something.  One  is  ready  to  faint  in  pres 
ence  of  a  mouse  ;  another  will  have  hysterics  over  a  snake  ; 
another  will  be  frightened  out  of  her  wits  if  she  meets  a 
cow ;  and  another  is  ready  to  die  if  she  finds  a  man  under 
her  bed,  although  she  may  have  been  hunting  for  him  in 
that  very  place  for  several  years. 

Nothing  could  find  the  weak  spot  in  the  courage  of  my 
adopted  mother-in-law  except  bed-bugs.  These  were  her 
pluck's  poison.  She  would  present  a  bold  front  to  anything 
else,  even  to  a  burglar  in  her  kitchen  at  dead  of  night ;  but 


266 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


whenever  she  caught  sight  of  a  bed-bug,  she  was  as  mysteri 
ously  shorii  of  her  strength  as  was  Sampson  when  shorn  of 
his  hair.  Knowing  this  fact,  I  had,  on  one  or  two  occasions, 
amused  myself  by  relating  to  her  some  interesting  bed-bug 
tales,  made  to  order.  I  had  solemnly  told  her  that  what  are 
properly  called  Munchausen  bed-bugs  are  as  large  as  horse- 
chestnuts,  and  that  I 
had  myself  seen  com 
mon  bed-bugs  in  New 
York  boarding- 
houses  so  large  that 


AN  ATTACK  OF  THE    CIMEX  LECTULAR1US. 

many  of  them  would  weigh  an  ounce.     How  many  I  did  not 
explain. 

I  thought  now  that  she  might  be  out  of  her  head,  as  she 
kept  repeating,  "  Bed-bugs  !  bed-bugs  !  "  and  assured  me  in 
feeble  tones  that  her  bed  was  running  over  with  them,  and 
that  each  one  was  bigger  than  a  hickory-nut,  and  that  before 
she  knew  of  their  presence,  they  had  fastened  themselves  to 


A   NEW   VARIETY   OF    FOWL. 


267 


her  with  such  force  that  it  took  all  her  strength  to  remove 
them. 

By  her  persuasion,  I  was  finally  induced  to  go  and  exam 
ine  the  bed  for  myself. 

I  turned  down  the  sheet,  and  there,  sure  enough,  was  a 
sight  that  startled  even  me.  I  shall  never  forget  it. 


FANCY  STOCK. 


Crawling  here  and  there  were  a  dozen  of  the  cutest  little 
snapping  turtles  I  had  ever  set  eyes  on.  And  there,  too, 
were  the  shells  of  the  eggs  out  of  which  they  had  been 
hatched.  I  saw  through  it  all,  and  no  longer  doubted  that  the 
mother  of  those  eggs  could  turn  the  scale  at  thirty  pounds. 
I  quietly  disposed  of  the  baby  turtles,  leaving  my  adopted 
mother-in-law  i:one  the  wiser. 


268 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


With  innocent  assurance  she  declared  to  all  persons  who 
came  to  see  her,  that  she  had  taken  "  a  dozen  hen's  eggs  to 
bed  with  her,  and  them  monstrus  bed-bugs  sucked  'em  clean 
dry  in  er  single  night." 

A  week  later  I  called  again,  and  found  her  up  and  doing, 
with  a  voice  as  strong  as  ever. 

Some  friend  had  just  sent  a  bottle  of  medicine  from  a 
drug  store,  with  the  request  that  she  would  take  it  in  accord 
ance  with  the  directions  on 
the  label.  While  she  went 
up  stairs  to  hunt  for  her 
spectacles,!  took  the  liberty 
of  examining  the  Latin 
name  of  the  article,  and 
discovered  that,  in  reality, 
she  had  simply  gotten  a 
bottle  of  brandy,  of  which 
she  was  to  "  take  a  spoonful 
whenever  not  feeling  well." 
I  am  not  a  physician,  but 
I  knew  as  well  as  reason 
could  teach  me  that  the 
prescribed  dose  was  much 
too  small.  No  one  could 
make  me  believe  that  a 

spoonful  of  vini  gallici  could   in  any  way  affect  the   crude 
composition  of  that  woman's  leathery  brain. 

Therefore,  in  the  interest  of  correct  medical  practice,  I 
carefully  erased  the  word  "spoon,"  and  wrote  " cup." 

Two  hours  later,  I  had  completely  forgotten  this  little  cir 
cumstance,  as,  indeed,  I  often  forget  my  works  of  benevo 
lence,  it  is  such  a  common  thing  for  me  to  engage  in  them. 


IN  THE  INTEREST  OF  SCIENCE. 


A   NEW   VAEIETY   OF    FOWL. 


269 


Having  missed  the  stage,  Mrs.  Bricksee  insisted  on  driv 
ing  me  to  the  railroad  station  in  her  own  wagon. 

No  sooner  were  we  seated  in  the  vehicle,  behind  two 
heavy  farm  horses,  than  I  discovered,  to  my  great  dismay, 
that  something  was  seriously  wrong  with  my  driver.  In  a 
word,  Jewell's  mother-in-law  was  drunk.  The  "  cup "  full 
of  brandy  had  proved  too  much  for  her.  With  one  hand 
she  wielded  the  whip  and  belabored  the  horses,  while  with 
the  other  she  jerked  them  first  into  a  ditch  on  one  side,  then 
against  a  stump  on  the  other. 


f 


SOMETHING  WRONG. 


Our  lives  were  in  peril.  Yainly  I  begged  of  her  to  let  me 
drive,  to  which  she  replied  that,  as  the  horses  were  high- 
strung,  only  an  experienced  hand  could  govern  them.  I 
tried  by  force  to  possess  myself  of  the  reins,  but  I  might  as 
well  have  wrestled  with  a  hydra-headed  monster. 

Finally,  one  horse  became  balky,  and  resolved  not  to  go 
another  step,  while  the  other  beast  got  it  into  his  head  to  do 


270 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


nothing  else  but  go.  Under  these  antagonistic  conditions 
something  must  inevitably  happen.  It  was  simply  this : 
The  second  beast  threw  himself  out  of  the  traces,  jumped 
over  the  pole,  kicked  the  legs  from  under  the  other  beast, 
which  knocked  him  over,  and  then  fell  on  the  top  of  him, 
while  I  found  myself  generally  mixed  up  with  the  horses 
and  the  broken  wag-on. 


"LOOKS  KINDER  LIKE  IT!" 

Some  of  my  New  York  acquaintances  happened  to  be 
riding  in  that  section  of  country  just  at  that  hour,  and  dis 
covered  the  plight  I  was  in.  But  Mrs.  Bricksee  refused 
assistance. 

"  Gintlemen,"  said  she,  "  my  bosses  can  beat  th'  world  on 
travel.  It's  alwus  this  way  w'en  they  stop.  That  ere  man 
stradlin'  round  thar  is  a  'ticular  friend  er  mine.  He's  Mr. 
Berkeley,  editor  of  Farmer's  Guide.  He's  waitin'  on  me. 


A    NEW    VARIETY    OF    FOWL.  271 

Looks  kinder  like  it,  don't  he  ?  Hafter  wait,  I  reck'n,  till 
lie  gits  ter  years  of  discreetion." 

"  This  is  the  last ! "  said  I  to  myself,  as  I  crawled  out 
from  under  the  debris  with  bleeding  flesh  and  aching  bones, 
and  started  across  the  country  on  foot  as  fast  as  I  could 
run,  without  even  turning  to  speak  a  civil  greeting  to  my 
city  acquaintances.  "  Henceforth  I  will  never  speak  a  word 
to  Jewell's  mother-in-law.  She  is  the  bane  of  my  existence, 
more  terrible  to  my  soul  than  are  bed-bugs  to  hers." 

That  promise  I  have  sacredly  kept. 

Perhaps  I  had  not .  been  altogether  sincere  and  truthful 
with  Mrs.  Bricksee.  On  one  or  two  occasions  I  had  told 
her  things  that  were  hardly  so,  and  they  got  me  into  trou 
ble.  To  tell  a  lie  is  to  plant  a  seed  that  will  be  prolific  of 
its  own  kind.  Soon  or  later  it  calls  for  defense.  Then  the 
defense  must  be  defended.  It  is  like  the  Irishman's  cellar, 
which  was  to  be  big  enough  to  hold  all  his  goods,  and  all 
the  dirt  thrown  out  in  the  digging. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

THE  BUREAU  OF  VITAL  STATISTICS. 

I  WAS  requested  by  a  committee  from  the  Bureau  of 
Vital  Statistics,  who  paid  me  a  visit  one  day,  to  give 
my  views  on  the  publication  and  influence  of  agricultural 
newspapers  generally,  and  of  the  phenomenal  success  of  my 
own  paper,  the  Farmer's  Guide,  in  particular. 

"We  are  none  of  us  practical  farmers,"  said  they,  who 
had  come  to  interview  me,  "  and  in  that  respect  you  have 
an  advantage  over  us,  for  we  understand  that  you  were  born 
and  reared  among  the  honest  ycemanry  of  the  country." 

"  Yes,  sir,  but  a  man  is  not  necessarily  a  pumpkin  because 
he  happens  to  grow  between  two  hills  of  corn." 

"  But  you  must  have  had  a  thorough  knowledge  of  agri 
culture,  or  you  could  not  be  so  successful  in  pleasing  the 
farmers  as  you  are." 

"Gentlemen,  that  does  not  follow.  A  knowledge  of 
human  nature  will  result  in  success,  even  where  there  is 
gross  ignorance  pertaining  to  everything  else.  Lawyers, 
doctors,  and  ministers  succeed  or  fail  in  their  profession, 
not  in  accordance  with  what  they  know,  or  do  not  know, 
about  the  profession,  but  in  accordance  with  what  they 
know,  or  do  not  know,  about  dealing  with  men.  The  suc 
cessful  merchant  must  needs  be  even  better  acquainted  with 
the  peculiarities  of  mankind  than  with  his  own  goods. 

(272) 


THE   BUREAU   OF   VITAL   STATISTICS.  273 

"  In  publishing  a  newspaper,  the  first  requirement  is  to 
obtain  a  good  fit.  You  must  cut  your  cloth  to  correspond 
with  the  particular  hole  into  which  you  are  going  to  set  it. 
If  you  get  the  patch  in  the  wrong  place,  you  are  sure  to 
make  a  botch  job  of  the  matter." 

"  Your  illustration  may  be  good,"  said  one  of  the  staff, 
"  but  in  what  precise  manner  do  you  make  it  apply  in  ref- 
ence  to  The  Farmer's  Guide  ?  " 

"  Well,  my  first  idea  in  starting  that  publication  was  that 
a  newspaper,  not  on  farming,  but  on  farmers,  was  what  was 
needed.  I  purposed  to  tell  them  plainly  not  only  how  to 
treat  their  cattle,  horses,  and  swine,  but  how  to  treat  their 
brains  and  their  hearts,  their  wives  and  their  children,  their 
neighbors  and  their  Creator.  My  plan  was  to  crack  jokes 
enough  over  their  heads  to  keep  them  awake  while  I  poured 
a  stream  of  red-hot  truth  into  their  souls.  You  must  get  a 
man  open  before  you  can  fill  him;  and  it  is  the  opening 
process  that  most  instructors  neglect. 

"  Take  for  instance  the  children  of  farmers,  particularly 
farmers'  boys, — verily,  I  know  whereof  I  speak  when  I  say 
that  some  farmers  at  least  need  to  be  taught  how  to  treat 
their  boys.  I  was  once  the  boy  who  suffered  the  ills  to 
which  country  air  is  heir. 

"  I  could  not  have  been  more  than  twelve  years  old  when, 
one  day,  my  father  and  I  were  shoveling  sand  into  a  cart. 
It  took  us  thirty-three  minutes  to  fill  it.  The  elder  Berkeley, 
thinking  that  I  did  not  do  my  share,  censured  me  severely, 
and  then  proposed  to  fill  the  cart  next  time  alone,  timing 
himself  by  his  watch,  in  order  to  ascertain  just  how  much 
assistance  I  had  rendered. 

"  I  did  not  object  to  this,  for  I  was  perfectly  willing  to 

sit  on  the  fence  and  see  the  old  gentleman  puff  and  sweat. 
17 


274 


MY   WIFE  S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


Having  taken  the  easiest  place  at  the  sand  bank,  he 
worked  as  fast  as  he  could,  and  accomplished  the  task  in 
just  thirty-four  minutes. 

" '  There,'  he  exclaimed, '  you  see  now  what  you  are  good 
for!  Together  we  shovel  in  thirty-three  minutes  what  I 
can  shovel  alone  in  thirty-four  minutes.  Why,  you  hardly 
do  enough  during  the  sixteen  hours  of  a  day's  work  to  pay 
for  your  salt!' 


HOW  PA  DID  IT. 


"  *  Let  me  fill  the  next  cart  by  myself,'  said  I. 

"  My  paternal  creator  consented,  and  while  he  went  to 
the  house  to  get  his  regular  drink  of  sweetened  water,  with 
something  or  other  in  it,  I  shoveled. 

"  In  just  thirty  minutes  my  parent  returned  and  found  the 
cart  as  full  of  sand  as  it  could  hold,  while  I  was  lying 
down  in  the  shade  of  an  apple  tree,  apparently  asleep. 

"  Well,  that  man  cut  a  switch  of  birch  and  woke  me  up 
pretty  suddenly,  and  made  me  dance  a  jig  all  over  the  lot. 


THE   BUREAU   OF   VITAL   STATISTICS. 


275 


" '  This,'  said  he,  '  is  to  punish  you  for  working  so  slow  in 
the  past,  when,  as  you  have  just  shown,  you  were  able  to  do 
a  good  deal  better;  now  stop  your  crying  and  tell  me 
you  deserve  it,  or  I  will  give  you  some  more  of  the  same 
kind.  What  do  you  say !  Do  you  deserve  it  ? ' 

"  '  Yes,  sir,'  said  I.     The  answer  was  a  falsehood,  and  I 


HOW  I  DID  IT. 


knew  it ;  but  when  the  recording  angel  set  it  down,  he  put 
it  in  pa's  book  instead  of  mine. 

"  Another  time,  it  was  Fourth  of  July,  and  I  wanted  to 
join  the  rest  of  the  boys  in  celebrating  the  day,  but  pater 
familias  gave  me  a  stint  that  would  take  an  able-bodied 
man  until  nearly  night  to  accomplish,  and  said  I  must  finish 
that  before  going  off  to  play. 

u  The  work  consisted  of  hoeing  the  whole  side  of  a  corn- 


276  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

field  up  to  a  certain  stake  which  had  been  used  for  holding 
up  a  scare-crow.  I  slipped  out  before  breakfast  and  moved 
the  stake  a  good  distance,  so  that  it  would  shorten  my 
task. 

"It  was  a  piece  of  deception,  but  when  the  recording 
angel  put  it -down,  he  put  it  in  pa's  book  instead  of  mine. 

"  It  did  not  come  out  well,  however,  for  after  breakfast 
my  stern  parent  took  me  into  the  field  and  just  as  I  was 
beginning  to  hoe,  informed  me  that  I  was  in  the  wrong 
place ;  that  what  he  meant  was  that  I  should  begin  on  the 
other  side  of  the  field,  and  hoe  to  the  stake.  I  started  to 
tell  him  then  that  the  stake  had  been  moved,  but,  on 
second  thought,  I  did  not  want  to  tell  him.  There  was 
nothing  to  do  but  for  me  to  accept  the  situation  and  work 
up  to  my  boundary,  while  he  himself  took  the  other  side. 
I  had  no  Fourth  of  July  holiday  that  year. 

"My  step-mother  was  not  very  kind  to  me,  and  father 
was  always  too  tired  to  caress  me,  even  if  he  had  possessed 
that  peculiarly  affectionate  disposition  which  belongs,  I 
think,  to  city  life  more  abundantly  than  to  country.  So  I 
resolved  to  run  away  from  home. 

"  Many  a  boy  has  thus  resolved  because  home  had  not 
the  sweet  attractiveness  to  him  which  it  might,  and  should 
have  had. 

"  I  had  saved  up  a  little  money,  and  with  this  I  clandes 
tinely  bought  a  complete  outfit  of  clothes,  that  I  might  be 
respectably  dressed  on  my  departure.  Secreting  my  pur 
chase  in  the  loft  of  the  boat-house,  into  which  no  one  ever 
climbed  except  myself,  I  bided  my  time  to  make  good  my 
escape. 

"  Finding  that  I  had  no  heart  to  leave  as  long  as  I  was 
even  moderately  well  treated,  I  resolved  to  remain  until  there 


THE   BUKEAU   OF   VITAL   STATISTICS.  277 

should  be  some  outbreak  of  anger  on  iny  father's  part, 
against  which  my  nature  would  rebel. 

"  Meanwhile,  I  succeeded  in  procuring  a  good  wig  and  a 
pair  of  false  whiskers,  so  that,  in  case  of  emergency,  I  could 
go  away  incog. 

"  One  day  my  father  was  particularly  ill-natured.  If  all 
the  bears  in  the  world  were  one  bear,  and  if  that  bear  had 
a  sore  head,  he  could  not  have  been  any  Grosser  than  my 
unhappy  parent.  He  had  just  discovered  that  the  worms 
were  destroying  his  cabbages,  the  beetles  his  potatoes,  the 
bugs  his  squashes,  and  the  drouth  everything  in  general. 

"  Nevertheless  he  should  have  remembered  that  I  was  his 
boy,  and  that  nothing  in  earth,  air,  or  sea  could  destroy  my 
soul. 

"  He  did  forget  it,  because  accidentally  I  broke  a  window 
with  a  stone  while  driving  the  pigs  out  of  the  garden ;  he 
told  me  to  go  into  the  barn  and  take  off  my  jacket.  I 
knew  what  that  meant.  I  knew,  too,  that  the  punishment 
would  outweigh  the  offence  just  in  proportion  that  his  own 
grievances  outweighed  his  benefits.  I  would  get  chastized 
not  only  for  the  broken  window,  but  on  account  of  the 
worms,  beetles,  bugs,  caterpillars,  and  drouth  ;  and  this  was 
more  than  I  could  endure. 

'"Go  right  into  the  barn ! '  commanded  my  stern  parent. 

" '  I  will  go  and  drown  myself  first,'  said  I. 

"  He  was  astounded.  It  was  the  first  time  I  had  ever  dared 
to  disobey  him,  nor  would  I  have  dared  on  this  occasion 
only  for  the  confidence  I  reposed  in  my  legs. 

"  He  started  to  catch  me.  That  was  a  bit  of  fun  I  had 
anticipated.  I  ran  straight  for  the  river,  shouting  the  while 
that  I  was  going  to  drown  myself.  As  soon  as  I  reached 
the  bank  I  jumped  down  out  of  sight,  and  then  ran  along 


278 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


under  cover  till  I  came  to  the  boat-house,  into  whose  loft 
I  soon  clambered,  where  I  knew  I  was  safe. 

"A  convenient  knot-hole  enabled  me  to  observe  my  father 
as  he  walked  up  and  down  the  edge  of  the  stream  in  an 
agony  of  alarm. 

"  I  donned  my  new  clothes,  put  on  my  wig  and  whiskers, 
and  doubtless  looked  like  a  man  in  appearance,  for,  notwith 
standing  my  years,  I  was  an  adult  in  size. 


IN  DISGUISE. 

"  After  a  while  my  father  came  to  the  boat-house  and  called 
my  name.  Once  he  tried  to  climb  into  the  loft,  but  he  was 
not  sufficiently  agile  to  accomplish  the  feat.  Then  he 
started  back  to  the  house  as  fast  as  possible.  I  was  afraid 
he  was  going  for  a  ladder,  so,  as  soon  as  the  coast  was  clear, 


THE   BUEEAU   OF   VITAL   STATISTICS.  279 

1  bundled  up  my  old  clothes,  put  them  under  my  arm,  left 
my  quarters,  and  pushed  on  down  the  river  at  full  speed,  till 
I  came  to  the  woods,  where,  as  I  well  knew,  I  could  conceal 
myself  for  an  indefinite  time. 

"  I  concluded  to  remain  in  the  neighborhood  for  a  few  days 
and  watch  the  progress  of  events,  for  I  had  a  scheme  in  my 
head  by  which  I  could  furnish  myself  with  food  and  lodging. 
There  was  another  boy  in  those  parts  who  was  bent  on  run 
ning  away  at  no  distant  time,  and  I  knew  that  I  could  get 
at  him  in  my  disguise,  and  secure  his  sympathy  and  assist 
ance,  by  promising  to  find  an  opening  for  him  in  the  great 
world  of  wealth  and  happiness  into  which  I  was  going. 

"  How  strangely  my  venture  terminated !  On  the  very  day 
that  I  left  my  old  clothes  in  the  woods,  they  were  found  by 
a  stray  boy,  a  stranger  in  the  neighborhood,  who  put  them 
on,  and  shortly  after  was  capsized  and  drowned,  while  boat 
ing  in  the. river. 

"After  a  while  his  disfigured  remains  were  found;  and 
when  the  clothes  had  been  identified  as  mine,  the  body  was 
pronounced  mine  also. 

"  Next  came  the  funeral,  and  I  could  not  resist  the  tempta 
tion  of  attending  it,  for  my  chum  said  it  would  be  the  big 
gest  joke  of  the  season,  and  avowed  that  I  was  so  nicely 
fixed  up  that  never  a  soul  would  know  me. 

"  However  I  failed  to  see  the  joke  when  I  observed  how  pit 
ifully  broken  down  my  poor  old  father  had  become.  I  heard 
him  tell  the  minister  that  I  was  the  best  boy  that  ever  lived, 
that  I  had  not  a  fault  in  the  world,  and  that  if  he  could  only 
have  me  back  again,  he  should  devote  his  whole  life  to  my 
happiness.  And  when  he  went  and  stood  over  the  horrible- 
looking  corpse,  and  shed  great  burning  tears,  as  he  called 
to  me,  I  could  have  died  of  remorse. 


280 


MY   WIFE'S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


"  However,  I  was  anxious  to  hear  the  sermon.  It  proved 
more  trying  to  my  nerves  than  I  had  anticipated.  The  elo 
quent  eulogy  which  the  minister  had  pronounced  over  my 
beloved  remains  was  totally  unlike  anything  I  had  ever 
heard  said  of  me  before.  Everybody  in  the  house  cried 
because  I  was  dead.  I  cried  with  the  rest.  I  could  not 
have  helped  it  to  save  me. 


THE  DROWNED  BOY. 


"  111  wiping  the  tears  from  my  whiskers,  I  once  or  twice 
nearly  pulled  them  off.  For  the  first  time  1  was  made  to 
realize  how  much  the  world  thinks  of  a  boy.  Could  I  have 
had  some  of  that  realization  years  before,  I  am  certain  it 
would  have  made  me*  try  harder  to  be  true  and  faithful.  I 
had  always  felt  the  need  of  encouragement. 

"  When  the  funeral  was  over,  and  my  dear  father  had 
placed  some  beautiful  flowers  on  my  grave,  I  could  not  find 


THE   BUREAU   OF   VITAL  STATISTICS.  281 

it  in  my  heart  to  return  to  the  woods.  How  could  I  leave 
so  good  a  parent  to  grieve  my  loss  ?  How  could  I  separate 
myself  from  the  soul-stricken  neighbors  who  had  left  their 
work  in  the  very  midst  of  the  busy  season  to  come  and  bear 
earnest  testimony  of  their  sorrow  at  my  untimely  death. 
Furthermore,  I  wanted  to  be  where  I  could  attend  church 
every  Sunday,  for  I  had  just  discovered  what  a  nice  man 
the  minister  was,  and  how  fondly  he  was  devoted  to  boys — 
especially  me. 

"  I  waited  till  evening,  and  then  took  off  my  disguise,  and 
walked  into  the  sitting-room,  where  my  father  sat,  still  cry 
ing,  and  said  I : 

" '  0  papa,  was  n't  that  a  first-class  funeral  ? ' 

"  He  jumped  to  his  feet  as  though  lifted  by  an  electric  bat 
tery.  His  fixed  gaze  indicated  that  he  was  frightened.  So 
was  I.  He  thought  he  saw  a  ghost.  He  was  not  certain 
but  he  was  a  ghost  himself.  I  began  to  fear  I  might  get  the 
whipping  yet.  No.  He  came  nearer.  He  looked  into  my 
face  for  a  moment,  then  threw  his  arms  around  my  neck 
and  kissed  me.  We  had  no  fatted  calf  on  hand,  but  the 
biggest  rooster  on  the  farm  was  killed  that  night,  and  we 
had  him  for  breakfast  next  morning. 

"  After  that  I  was  a  better  boy.  The  oil  of  birch  had 
become  a  thing  of  the  past. 

"  I  believe  a  great  many  boys  would  turn  out  better  if  they 
could  have  their  funerals  first,  and  turn  out  afterwards. 

"  Having  them  at  the  beginning,  rather  than  at  the  end  of 
their  career,  would  lead  them  to  the  discovery  of  the  world's 
appreciation. 

"  "When  I  saw  that  I  was  not  the  only  farmer's  boy  who 
suffered  from  the  thoughtlessness  of  parents  and  guardians, 
I  made  up  my  mind  that  when  I  got  old  enough,  I  would 


282  MY  WIPE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

start  a  newspaper  in  the  interest  of  human  kindness.  That 
is  how  The  Farmers'  Guide  happened  to  have  an  existence. 

"  I  wanted  to  say  to  the  public  that  children  ought  to  be 
praised  for  their  well  doing.  Applied  love  is  the  only  kind 
worthy  of  mention. 

"  What  a  quantity  of  water  may  be  gotten  from  certain 
pumps  if  one  will  first  pour  water  into  them.  How  much 
love  may  we  obtain  from  human  hearts  when  we  begin  by 
loving  them. 

"  There  are  trees  which  hold  their  dead  leaves  through  all 
the  fierce  storms  of  winter,  but  drop  them  at  the  approach 
of  spring.  On  human  life  there  is  likewise  much  waste  foli 
age  which  cannot  be  beaten  off  by  force,  but  which  silently 
disappears  when  the  life  is  surrounded  by  an  atmosphere  of 
love,  thus  stimulating  inward  growth. 

"It  is  our  duty  to  praise  God,  but  sometimes  it  is  a  greater 
duty  to  praise  man.  The  Creator  needs  no  encouragement, 
but  men,  much. 

"  Some  seeds  have  shells  so  tough  that  unaided  human 
strength  is  not  sufficient  to  break  them.  As  soon,  however, 
as  they  are  placed  in  the  warm  earth,  and  feel  nature's 
kindly  touch,  the  stubborn  bonds  are  broken,  and  the  freed 
germ  comes  forth.  There  are  sin-bound  souls  which  the 
power  of  man  cannot  unfetter.  Is  it  not  reasonable  to  sup 
pose  that  when  what  God  has  said  seems  to  fail,  what  he  is 
will  succeed  ? 

"  All  the  men  in  creation  can  not  force  a  little  bird  to 
sing;  but  on  a  spring  morning  you  shall  hear  the  music  of  a 
thousand  feathery  songsters.  The  sun's  quiet  influence 
brings  this  to  pass.  Warmth,  light,  and  beauty  are  nature's 
trinity,  and  should  be  ours. 


THE   BUREAU   OF   VITAL   STATISTICS.  283 

" '  Love  prays,'  says  Mr.  Emerson,  and  he  might  have 
added,  there  is  nothing  else  that  can  pray. 

"  One  of  the  first  things  in  creation  is  oil.  It  separates 
bone  from  bone.  There  are  bones  of  contention  in  the 
moral  world,  between  which  there  should  be  plenty  of  lubri 
cating  fluid  to  prevent  the  destructive  friction  which  is  con 
stantly  going  on.  What  is  wanted  everywhere  is  that  divine 
quality  on  which  all  the  law  and  the  prophets  are  founded." 

Hereupon,  the  committee  took  their  departure,  having 
taken  as  much  information  as  would  fill  the  space  allotted 
for  their  report  on  the  subject  of  agricultural  publications. 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

POLITICS  AND   REPENTANCE. 

THE  extraordinary  merit  of  my  editorial  work  bad  made 
me  numerous  friends,  and  the  time  came  when  they 
determined  to  elect  me  to  the  office  of  assemblyman. 

The  idea  pleased  me,  and  I  pictured  for  my  future  years  a 
long  course  of  political  honors,  ending  in  the  chair  of  Chief 
Executive  of  our  great  nation.  I  saw  no  reason  why  I 
might  not  fill  with  dignity  any  office  to  which  I  might  be 
called  by  the  sovereign  will  of  our  intelligent  voters. 

My  wife  advised  me  to  keep  out  of  politics  ;  but  I  thought 
I  might  as  well  show  her  and  the  rest  of  the  human  race 
just  what  I  could  do. 

Our  campaign  work  was  proceeding  splendidly,  and  I  was 
assured  by  those  wonderful  political  leaders  who,  at  a 
moment's  notice,  can  always  take  several  thousand  "  intelli 
gent  voters  "  from  their  pockets  as  easily,  if  not  as  mysteri 
ously,  as  a  skillful  juggler  can  extract  a  pigeon  or  a  pig  from 
a  boy's  cap,  that  my  election  was  just  as  certain  as  though 
the  opposition  candidate  were  already  withdrawn  from  the 
field.  However,  nothing  was  left  undone  by  my  bitter  oppo 
nents.  They  even  went  to  the  extent  of  impulsively  saying 
some  things  which  were  not  quite  true. 

As  a  general  rule,  it  is  not  falsities  that  injure  a  candi 
date's  cause,  but  truths,  of  which  there  are  usually  enough 

to  do  the  work  pretty  thoroughly. 

(284) 


POLITICS   AND   EEPENTANCE.  285 

Arriving  home  from  my  office  one  evening,  I  was  received 
coolly,  as  I  thought,  by  my  wife's  respected  mother. 

"  Where  is  Augusta  ? "  I  inquired. 

"  She  has  taken  to  her  bed." 

"  What !  is  she  not  well  ?" 

"No;  very  unwell." 

"  I  must  go  at  once  to  see  her." 

"You  must  do  nothing  of  the  sort,"  came  the  reply. 
"  She  requested  me  to  say  that  she  would  prefer  not  to  see 
you  again." 

I  was  astonished. 

"What  has  happened  ?  "  I  demanded,  livid  with — I  don't 
know  what. 

"  Your  question  would  seem  to  be  put  as  a  mere  matter  of 
form,  and  not  for  needed  information,"  remarked  the  old 
lady. 

"  I  must  beg  of  you  to  tell  me  what  all  this  means,"  I 
pleaded. 

"  Have  you  seen  the  last  Agriculturist?  " 

"  No,  ma'am.  That  is  a  paper  which  I  seldom  read,  for  it 
is  actuated  by  no  higher  motive  than  a  spirit  of  jealousy 
against  the  greater  success  and  excellency  of  my  own  publi 
cation." 

"Then  here  are  a  few  paragraphs  which  may  interest 
you,  as  they  did  Augusta  and  myself." 

I  took  the  sheet  from  her  hand,  and  read  as  follows : 

"THE  LIBERAL  CANDIDATE  FOR  ASSEMBLYMAN. 

"WHY  HE  SHOULD  NOT  BE  ELECTED. 
"HE  IS  GROSSLY  CORRUPT  IN  HIS  MORAL  NATURE." 

Following  these  glaring  headings  came  the  specifications  : 
"First:  On  the  seventh  day  of  last  July,  Mr.  August  Berkeley,  aban 
doning  his  own  wife  and  children,  went  into  the  State  of  New  Jersey, 


286 


MY   WIFE  S    FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 


and  secured  the  company  of  a  certain  woman,  whom  he  boldly  brought 
to  Steinway  Hall,  avowedly  for  the  purpose  of  listening  to  the  lecture  to 
be  delivered  by  the  Rev.  Hallmid,  but  hi  reality  to  break  up  the  meet 
ing,  which,  by  the  disorderly  conduct  of  himself  anc1  his  companion, 
was  very  nearly  accomplished. 

"  Second:  On  the  first  day  of  August,  he  was  again  seen  in  the  State 
of  New  Jersey  in  company  with  this  woman,  in  a  beastly  state  of  intoxi 
cation.  She,  then  and  there,  confessed  before  several  witnesses  that  he 
was  'waiting  on  her,'  but  insisted  that  he  must  continue  to  wait  until  his 
Arrival  at  the  years  of  discretion. 


THE  OPPOSITION  PAPER. 

"  Any  persons  desiring  to  satisfy  themselves  of  the  correctness  of  these 
charges  can  do  so  by  calling  at  the  office  of  this  paper,  and  examining 
the  proofs." 

Looking  up  from  the  paper,  I  saw  the  beautiful  eyes  of 
my  wife's  respected  mother  riveted  upon  me. 

I  had  but  little  courage  left,  but  I  tried  hard  to  make  the 
most  of  that  little. 


POLITICS   AND   EEPENTANCE.  287 

"  I  suppose  you  know,"  I  stammered,  "  that  this  is  pub 
lished  by  my  greatest  enemy,  both  for  personal  spite  and 
political  effect.  It  is  not  quite  fair  to  believe  all  you  read, 
particularly  when  it  issues  from  such  a  source." 

"True,"  she  replied.  "I  myself  am  opposed  to  receiving 
any  report  on  newspaper  evidence ;  nor  will  I  ever  allow 
myself  to  believe  anything  detrimental  to  one's  reputation 
until  I  have  given  the  matter  a  personal  investigation.  In 
this  case  I  have  done  so.  At  first,  I  did  not  believe  these 
terrible  things  against  you ;  but  having  spent  two  or  three 
days  in  investigating  the  matter,  I  am  compelled  to  tell  you, 
Mr.  August  Berkeley,  that  you  stand  in  my  presence  con 
victed  of  the  most  disgraceful  conduct  of  which  any  man 
can  be  guilty." 

I  beg  the  reader  to  observe  how  exceedingly  praise 
worthy  was  the  course  pursued  by  my  wife's  respected 
mother  in  this,  my  time  of  greatest  trouble.  Bless  her 
heart !  she  would  not  believe  any  evil  of  me  until  she  had 
exhausted  every  energy  of  her  noble  soul  in  proving  it. 

The  task  which  she  undertook  was  fraught  with  many 
difficulties  and  disagreeable  features  ;  but,  nothing  daunted, 
this  brave  woman,  urged  on  by  the  stern  dictates  of  duty, 
accomplished  her  heart-rending  task.  What  a  reproof  is 
her  example  to  those  gossip-loving  parasites  who  seize 
eagerly  on  every  ill  report  that  floats  in  air,  and  fear 
nothing  except  that  it  may  not  be  true. 

How  much  better  and  happier  would  be  our  world  if  it 
had  more  women  like  this  one  whom  my  pen  delights  to 
honor.  Long  may  she  wave !  may  her  tribe  increase ! 

"No,"  said  she  austerely,  "it  would  not  be  right  for 
Augusta  to  see  you  again." 

Mark,  she  did  not  say  it  would  not  be  expedient,  or  it 


288  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

would  not  be  suitable,  but  it  would  not  be  right.  My 
wife's  respected  mother  was  influenced  by  nothing  but  the 
supreme  motive  of  right. 

Yet,  owing  either  to  my  obstinacy,  or  to  my  obtuse  con 
ception  of  what  constitutes  right,  I  did  see  Augusta. 
Alas,  how  changed!  I  had  left  her  flesh  and  blood,  —  I 
found  her  stone. 

She  did  not  send  me  away,  but  she  did  not  smile ;  she 
did  not  weep ;  nor  did  she  give  any  token  of  her  feelings 
toward  me.  I  could  have  endured  anything  rather  than 
this  complete  passivity.  Had  she  scolded,  I  could  have 
said  to  myself,  the  tide  is  high  and  dangerous,  but  it  will 
turn.  But  here  was  no  tide,  no  hope  for  turning,  no 
promise  of  change.  Nothing  is  more  terrible  than  the 
coldness  of  death  —  except  the  coldness  of  life. 

"  Augusta,"  said  I,  "  my  political  aspirations  have  now 
come  to  an  end.  I  shall  withdraw  my  name  from  the 
candidacy  in  which  it  has  been  used.  Never  again  will  I 
suffer  myself  to  breathe  an  atmosphere  where  there  is  so 
much  of  moral  rancor  and  cruel  misrepresentation." 

I  would  have  given  the  world  to  have  heard  her  reply, 
"I  told  you  so!"  Then  she  would  have  been  her  dear  old 
self  again ;  but  she  simply  replied,  without  lifting  her  eyes 
or  changing  a  feature : 

"  Just  as  you  please ! " 

What  did  those  words  contain?  I  do  not  know;  but 
they  punished  me  for  more  than  words  can  describe.  I 
would  not  have  lifted  a  finger  to  prolong  my  miserable 
existence  another  moment. 

For  some  time  I  sat  motionless,  subjecting  myself  and 
my  past  life  to  a  severe  examination  and  judgment.  I 
could  see  no  saving  quality  in  my  soul.  Everything  per- 


POLITICS   AND   REPENTANCE.  289 

taining  to  my  eventful  career  I  painted  horribly  black,  and 
then  inwardly  cursed  it  for  being  hideous.  I  sank  into 
utter  despair. 

"Augusta,"  said  I,  in  faltering  tones,  "I  know  I  am 
unworthy  of  your  love,  and  yet,  now  that  I  have  lost  it, 
all  my  happiness  is  forever  gone." 

I  waited  a  moment  for  her  to  reply,  but  the  silence  of 
death  prevailed. 

"  My  dear  wife,  I  cannot,  oh !  I  cannot  endure  this  any 
longer !  Speak  to  me !  For  heaven's  sake  speak  one  kind 
word  that  I  may  know  there  is  at  least  one  drop  of  blood 
in  your  heart  that  does  not  hate  me." 

She  turned  her  face  from  me,  and  buried  it  in  her  pocket 
handkerchief. 

"  My  fate  is  sealed,"  I  cried  in  agonized  tones.  "  I 
know  now  that  it  is  your  pleasure  for  me  to  leave  you. 
But  will  you  grant  me  two  requests  ?  May  I  come  some 
times  and  see  my  precious  children  ?  Will  you  teach  them 
not  to  despise  me  wholly  ?  Alas,  you  do  not  answer.  Oh, 
Father  of  mercies!  how  have  I  sinned,  that  even  these 
things  must  be  denied  me !  Augusta,  since  it  must  be  so, 
farewell!  Farewell  to  all  of  peace  and  joy  that  earth 
affords.  I  must  have  wronged  you  deeply ;  and  yet,  before 
high  heaven,  I  will  record  a  vow  that  I  have  never  wronged 
your  love.  To  you,  and  you  only,  in  every  thought  and 
act  have  I  given  that  undivided  affection  which  it  is  the 
pleasure,  safety,  and  religion  of  a  true  husband  to  give  to 
his  wife.  But  my  folly  has  destroyed  your  happiness.  For 
this  I  deserve  the  severest  chastisement  the  gods  can 
inflict.  For  this  I  am  forced  from  my  home  into  the  heart 
less  world.  For  this " 

"  August,  you  shall  not  go,"  sobbed  Augusta,  seizing  me 
18 


290 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


by  the  hand.  "  Why  have  I  been  so  heartless  ?  I  did  not, 
could  not,  believe  you  were  false,  even  when  others  told 
me  that  the  evidence  was  unimpeachable.  But  I  was  very 


OTJB  RECONCTLIATIOW. 

angry  at  you  for  what  I  called  your  foolishness.  I  knew 
all  the  time  that  you  were  utterly  incapable  of  any  perfidity. 
But  tell  me,  how  did  it  all  happen  ?  " 

The  total  eclipse  of  my  sun  had  disappeared  as  sud 
denly  as  it  came.  It  seemed  to  me  that  1  was  bathed  in 
light,  and  love,  and  glory,  as  I  took  Augusta  on  my  knee 


POLITICS   AND  REPENTANCE.  291 

and  gave  her  a  complete  and  unvarnished  account  of  my 
experiences  with  Jewell's  mother-in-law. 

Augusta  laughed,  and  she  cried.  Then  she  kissed  me, 
and  called  me  a  fool. 

The  strangest  thing  is  that  she  went  to  work  and  made 
out  a  case  against  herself.  She  insisted  that  it  was  her 
own  fault  that  I  had  not  found  my  home  so  sweet  and 
pleasant  that  nothing  could  have  induced  me  to  go  to 
Skeetoville,  even  for  a  single  visit. 

I  informed  her  in  the  strongest  English  I  could  employ, 
that  if  she  ever  accused  herself  again  on  account  of  my 
consummate  idiocy,  I  should  be  exceedingly  angry  at  her. 

The  next  day  she  called  to  me  as  I  was  leaving  the 
house  : 

"  August,  will  you  please  send  an  expressman  to  get  the 
trunks  and  take  them  to  the  depot?" 

"What  trunks?"  I  inquired. 

"  My  mother's.    She  is  going  back  to  Chicago  to  live." 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

HOW  AN  ANGEL  WAS  FOOLED. 

A  CELEBRATED  "  mediumess "  had  come  to  New 
York  from  Boston,  and  was  creating  quite  a  furore 
among  a  certain  class.  I  was  anxious  to  attend  her  seances, 
but  Augusta  was  quite  contrarily  anxious.  At  last,  how 
ever,  she  gave  her  consent  to  my  going  on  condition  that  I 
would  take  her  along.  We  went. 

Mademoiselle  Rambaneski  began  the  entertainment  by 
speaking  a  good  word  for  Boston,  which  she  claimed  was  the 
headquarters  of  the  Grand  Army  of  disembodied  spirits,  — 
a  sufficient  explanation  why  all  great  reforms  had  been 
born  there. 

"  The  United  States  of  America,"  said  she,  "  ought  to  be 
a  Christian  nation,  for  it  had  exactly  the  same  kind  of 
origin  that  the  Christian  religion  had." 

I  elevated  my  ears. 

"  You  will  remember,"  she  continued,  "  that  in  the  first 
case,  there  were  originally  the  master  and  his  twelve 
disciples.  So  likewise  in  respect  to  our  country  there 
were  originally  Massachusetts  and  twelve  other  States" 

Never  before  had  I  heard  such  adequate  justice  meted 
out  to  the  little  land  of  the  Pilgrims. 

After  the  introductory  lecture  I  counted  noses,  and  found 

besides  Augusta's  and  mine  (which  according  to  the  logic 

(292) 


HOW   AN   ANGEL  WAS   FOOLED. 


293 


of  matrimony  make  only  one),  about  a  dozen  others,  large 
and  small,  male  and  female. 

But  had  I  been  hit  over  the  head  with  a  thunder  clap, 
I  could  not  have  been  more  astonished  than  I  was  in 
beholding  the  nose  that  belonged  to  an  old  schoolmate  who 
at  one  time  had  fallen  on  his  face,  and  badly  wrecked  his 
breathing  apparatus. 

He  had  not  caught  sight  of  me  yet,  and  I  was  glad  of 
this,  fearing  that  he  might 
become  so  demonstrative,  if 
he  knew  I  was  there,  that  all 
the  celestial  visitors  would 
be  frightened  away. 

This  danger  was  happily 
avoided,  for  Mademoiselle 
Rambaneski  now  ordered  the 
lights  extinguished,  having 
first  formed  us  into  a  'fr  scien 
tific  circle."  Should  any  one 
desire  to  know  what  kind  of 
a  circle  this  is,  I  can  only  say 
that  it  is  just  the  opposite  of 
what  you  will  find  in  certain 
old-fashioned  meeting-houses  where  all  the  men  sit  on  one 
side,  and  all  the  women  on  the  other. 

In  this  case  we  sat  side  by  side.  Augusta  was  very 
particular  to  get  by  my  side.  I  think  it  would  have  been 
ev^en  more  satisfactory  to  her,  if  she  could  have  occupied 
the  other  side  of  me  also.  Then  we  all  joined  hands. 

The  first  ghost  that  appeared  was  easily  recognized.  It 
was  that  of  some  murdered  music  which  had  been  ordered 
by  Mademoiselle  Rambaneski. 


A  CELEBRATED  MEDITJMESS. 


294 


MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A   HUSBAND. 


About  thirty  minutes  we  sat  in  the  dark,  quietly  holding 
to  each  other's  hands  without  getting  any  manifestation, 
but  nobody  complained. 

The  singing  was  wretched,  but  nobody  cared. 
There  was  not  a  breath  of  untainted  air  in  the  unven- 
tilated  room,  but  nobody  thought  of  that. 

The  heat  was  oppressive,  but  no  one  deemed  it  worth 
mentioning. 

We  were  a  reconciled  lot,  with  the  exception  of  Augusta. 
In  more  than  one  instance,  I  have  found  her  a  little  hard  to 

please.     While   we    were 
doing  our  best  on  "  Home, 
sweet  Home,"  she   whis- 
^  's»M4tw/j   \&  "/•  --3BB    r//z>  ,         pered  to  me  that  I  must 

4,  felt  disinclined  to  change, 
/  — my  natural  inertia  is 
such, — but  as  it  was  not 
a  fit  place  to  argue  the 
point,  I  consented,  and 
quietly  complied  with  her 
request. 

The  gentleman  who  had  been  next  to  her  on  the  opposite 
side,  was  not  made  aware  that  an  exchange  had  taken  place. 
Again  we  all  joined  hands. 

Augusta  has  a  pretty  large  hand,  while  I,  for  a  man,  have 
quite  a  small  one,  and  therefore  they  are  about  the  same 
size.  Morever,  as  I  have  never  been  guilty  of  doing  hq^d 
or  rough  work,  my  hand  is  soft  and  delicate. 

No  sooner  was  I  in  my  new  place,  than  my  new  partner 
signified  his  entire  satisfaction  with  my  hand,  by  giving  it 
a  very  warm  grasp.  The  ardor  with  which  he  pressed  it  in 


AN  OLD  SCHOOLMATE. 


HOW   AN   ANGEL  WAS   FOOLED.  295 

his  own  was  an  entirely  new  experience  to  me.  Then  he 
mellowed  it  all  over  with  his  thumb  and  fingers  as  he  would 
an  apple  to  ascertain  whether  it  was  ripe  enough.  I  knew 
then  that  he  had  "  the  wrong  pig  by  the  ear." 

Occasionally  I  gave  him  a  slight  pressure  of  my  palm  in 
response  to  his  affectionate  conduct,  which  was  immediately 
followed  by  such  hearty  recognition  on  his  part,  that  for 


THE  VISIT  OF  THE  ANGELS. 

the  next  minute  or  two  the  blood  in  my  fingers  had  no  room 
to  circulate. 

After  a  while  there  were  some  manifestations.  The 
angels  brought  flowers  freshly  plucked.  A  handsome 
bouquet  was  thrown  into  my  lap.  I  think  it  was  intended 
for  Augusta,  but  the  angels  had  not  happened  to  see  us 
exchange  places. 

About  this  time,  what  proved  to  be  a  beautiful  pearl 
ring  was  slipped  on  to  my  finger.  I  was  very  happy. 


296  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

In  due  time  the  lights  were  struck.  Then  my  demon 
strative  partner  and  I  looked  into  each  other's  faces.  I 
saw  that  it  was  none  other  than  my  old  schoolmate  with  the 
battered  nose. 

He  saw  it  was  me. 

How  disgusted  he  looked.  He  said  never  a  word,  but  stole 
away  into  the  outer  darkness. 

I  know  not  why  it  was,  but  Augusta  went  home  in  a  bad 
state  of  mind.  She  declared  she  would  never  go  to  another 
seance,  nor  would  she  even  let  me  go.  Perhaps  she  felt 
hurt  because  she  didn't  get  the  angel's  ring.  I  offered 
her  mine,  but  she  indignantly  refused  it.  How  queerly 
contradictory  is  woman !  It  was  the  first  pretty  ring  I 
had  had  all  to  myself  since  I  was  married.  Just  because 
it  came  from  an  angel,  she  scoffed  at  it.  I  cannot  to  this 
day  even  mention  the  fair  name  of  Mademoiselle  Rain- 
baneski  without  having  to  meet  a  domestic  cloud  charged 
with  red-hot  wrath. 

After  all,  I  believe  in  spiritualism.  It  is  good  at  heart. 
The  best  that  can  be  said  of  some  men  is  that  they  are  good 
at  heart,  which  means  that  they  are  meaner  than  dirt  in 
their  outer  dealings.  What  care  we  for  one's  goodness  of 
heart  unless  there  is  goodness  in  that  portion  of  him 
which  comes  in  actual  contact  with  our  daily  life.  I 
know  of  a  farm  which  is  covered  all  over  with  sand,  but  it 
is  said  in  extenuation  that  away  down  under  the  sand  there 
is  a  rich  loam  several  feet  in  thickness.  Nevertheless,  the 
farm  is  not  worth  taxes.  How  different  it  would  be  if  the 
soil  were  on  the  surface.  An  apple  may  be  good  at  the 
core,  but  if  the  outside  is  decayed,  the  core  will  be  a  drug 
on  the  market.  Yes,  the  "  Religion  of  Knowledge,"  as 
opposed  to  that  of  "Faith,"  is  good  at  heart.  It  is  often 


HOW  AN  ANGEL  WAS  FOOLED.  297 

clothed  in  fine  words.  It  should  be  clothed  in  fine  lives. 
These  are  the  only  garments  which  Heaven  regards  as 
beautiful.  It  expects  us  to  have  them  on  at  the  grand 
wedding. 

There  is  much  fine  gold  in  modern  skepticism.  So  there 
are  thousands  of  tons  of  silver  held  in  solution  in  the  sea ; 
but  it  is  not  this  thin  solution  that  men  want.  A  coin  in 
the  hand  is  of  more  practical  value  than  the  great 
earth's  diffused  wealth.  "We  are  taught  that  God's  truth  is 
everywhere  in  nature ;  but  the  universality  is  of  no  import 
ance  to  us  until  we  harness  some  for  actual  service. 

Old-fashioned  doctrines  may  have  been  outgrown,  but 
real  Christianity,  having  no  fashions  whatever,  is  always 
new. 

There  is  a  complicated  net-work  of  accidents,  incidents, 
history,  chronology,  persons  and  wonders,  which  has  been 
palmed  off  upon  the  innocent  and  ignorant,  as  the  genuine 
article ;  but  Christianity  itself  is  made  up  of  eternal  prin 
ciples.  The  way  to  the  first  is  very  broad,  and  many  there 
be  that  go  in  thereat ;  but  the  way  to  the  other  is  straight 
and  narrow,  and  few  there  be  that  find  it. 

Some  persons  think  that  Christianity  is  dying  out 
because  there  is  so  much  indifference  concerning  its 
claims.  They  might  as  well  say  that  agriculture  is  dying 
out,  seeing  that  so  many  men  who  ought  to  be  engaged  in 
it  are  idle.  When  God  created  man  with  an  aptitude  for 
hunger,  he  instituted  agriculture ;  and  so  long  as  hunger 
remains,  agriculture  will  not  expire.  When  the  same  God 
created  man  with  a  heart  of  love  and  a  spirit  of  hope,  he 
instituted  the  church ;  and  so  long  as  man  is  man,  the 
church  is  secure. 

Christianity  in  the  abstract  is  not  religion.     It  is  like  an 


298  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

apple  tree  without  any  fruit  of  its  own.  Each  sect  grafts 
on  its  favorite  scion,  till  the  tree  becomes  like  Joseph's 
coat, — of  many  colors, — and  brings  forth  apples  sour 
and  sweet,  great  and  small. 

Christianity  is  naught  but  the  grand  foundation  on  which 
man  may  stand  to  the  best  advantage  while  making  the 
most  of  his  selfhood.  No  angel  can  do  for  him  what  it  is 
his  duty  to  do  for  himself.  He  must  answer  his  own 
questions,  work  out  his  own  problems,  give  careful  heed  to 
his  own  inner  consciousness,  and  thereby  receive  the  dis 
cipline  which  effort  alone  can  give. 

The  heart  is  like  a  chalice,  on  the  inside  of  which  are 
engraved  the  words  :  "  There  is  a  God ;  man  is  immortal." 
But  the  cup  is  too  often  filled  with  a  dark  fluid  which 
makes  the  writing  illegible.  It  is  only  necessary  to  clarify 
the  contents  by  putting  purity  in  the  place  of  sin.  This  is 
far  better  than  stretching  our  ears  in  the  endeavor  to  catch 
ghostly  words. 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

LIFE-INSURANCE  AND  DEATH. 

"  ~Y"TTHAT  a  queer  set  of  humbugs  modern  astrologers 
V  Y  are ! "  remarked  Augusta. 

"  Yes  ;  but  somehow  their  predictions  are  often  fulfilled," 
1  replied. 

"  For  that  matter,  so  are  yours,  or  mine,  or  anybody's." 

"  That  may  be ;  but  nevertheless  I  believe  there  are  for 
tune-tellers  who  can  read  the  future  with  unerring  cer 
tainty." 

"Well,  then,  let  us  put  the  matter  to  the  test,"  replied 
Augusta.  "  I  have  just  found,  among  some  of  the  old 
papers  left  here  by  my  mother,  one  that  contains  the  horo 
scope  of  my  own  destiny,  as  made  out  by  an  astrologer 
when  I  was  an  infant.  It  says : 

" '  This  child  will  have  an  eventful  life.'  " 

"  So  you  have  had,"  I  interposed. 

"'She  will  be  married  between  the  age  of  nineteen  and 
twenty-four.' " 

"  So  you  were." 

" '  Her  husband  will  be  a  professional  man." ' 

"  So  I  am." 

" '  He  will  be  good-natured,  but  extremely  unwise.' " 

To  this  I  made  no  reply. 

"'He  will  never  be  sent  to  an  insane  asylum,  although  if 

(299) 


300 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


he  should  be  once  there  he  would  have  difficulty  in  finding  a 
physician  who  would  recommend  his  discharge. "' 
To  this,  also,  I  made  no  reply. 
"  '  He  will  die  rich.'  " 
"  I  have  always  told  you  so,"  I  ejaculated. 
"  And  I  have  never  believed  it,  and  don't  now,"  replied 
Augusta,  somewhat  discourteously, 
as  I  thought,  without  raising  her 
eyes  from  the  paper. 
She  continued  to  read: 

'"His  widow, 
as  a  widow,  will 
experience  her 
most  peaceful 
days,  and  be  sur- 
rounded  by  a 
large  number  of 
children.'" 

"Just  so!" 
I  exclaimed, 
thinking  only 
about  the  chil 
dren. 

«  «  She  will  be 
left  a  widow  within  four  years  of  her  bridal  day.'  " 

I  turned  white.  According  to  this,  I  had  but  one  year 
more  to  live. 

Augusta  laughed,  although  she  is  not  the  least  bit  heartless. 
But  she  is  wonderfully  practical.  Not  a  drop  of  her  blood, 
either  from  nature  or  education,  is  superstitious. 

I  am  differently  constituted,  and  have  been  differently 
trained.  Both  my  father  and  mother  accepted  the  entire 


THE  HOROSCOPE. 


LIFE   INSURANCE   AND   DEATH. 


301 


code  of  signs  and  wonders.  Moreover,  I  have  known  many 
cases  where  the  necromancer's  prophecy  has  been  verified 
to  the  letter.  Besides,  I  am  persuaded  that  superstition, 
within  certain  limits,  is  strictly  in  accordance  with  the  fit 
ness  of  things.  It  is  the  ground-work  of  all  our  faith  in 
spiritual  concerns.  Find  a  child  who  is  wholly  devoid  of 
superstition,  and  you  have  found  one  who  will  come  up 
without  believing  in  God  or  immortality.  Yet  it  does  not 


HER  MOST  PEACEFUL  DAYS. 


follow  that  these  lofty  conceptions  are  superstitions.  The 
explanation  is  this :  The  superstitious  soul  learns  the  art  of 
using  its  wings  without  the  aid  of  reason.  At  first  it  flies 
low.  But  the  same  wings  which  carry  it  over  malarial 
marshes  will,  in  the  end,  convey  it  to  the  sunlit  heights  of 
eternal  truth. 

At  the  time  of  which  I  write,  my  own  spirit  was  evidently 
hovering  over  a  swampy  region.  I  was  worried.  However, 
I  tried  to  conceal  my  feelings  from  Augusta.  I  was  too 


302 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


proud  to  let  her  know  that  I  really  believed  I  must  die  in 
less  than  twelve  months. 

Remembering  that  my  own  mother  had  taken  me  at  a 
very  early  age  to  a  spiritual  medium  to  have  my  fortune 
told,  I  resolved  to  get  possession  of  that  record,  also,  in 

order  that  I  might 
compare  it  with  the 
one  belonging  to  Au 
gusta. 

My  mother  was  dead, 
but  I  knew  that  my 
oldest  brother  had 
taken  charge  of  her 
private  effects.  To 
him  I  wrote,  asking  for 
the  paper  on  which  my 
fate  was  penned. 

He  sent  it.  To  my 
amazement,  it  was  re 
markably  correct  in  its 
prognostications,  ex 
cept  on  such  minor 
points  as,  for  example, 
that  my  nondescript 
character  would  bring 
much  trouble  to  my  wife. 

Then  I  came  to  the  presage  of  my  decease.  For  a 
moment  my  heart  ceased  to  beat.  The  oracle  had  foreseen 
that  I  would  die  at  eight  o'clock,  on  my  thirtieth  birthday. 
I  had  just  passed  my  twenty-ninth.  Here  was  the  testi 
mony  of  two  seers  to  the  same  forthcoming  event.  The  last 
lingering  hope  was  driven  from  my  heart.  I  felt  the  posi- 


CORKOBORATING  EVIDENCE. 


LIFE   INSURANCE   AND   DEATH.  303 

tive  conviction  that  my  time  was  near  at  hand.  Still,  I 
would  not  unfold  my  feelings  to  Augusta.  Not  for  the 
world  would  I  share  with  her  the  chilling  mantle  that 
shrouded  my  drooping  spirits.  In  her  light-heartedness, 
she  had  even  forgotten  the  terrible  warning  of  her  own 
sphinx. 

To  make  fit  preparation  for  death  was  now  my  only  con 
cern.  I  stopped  smoking — stopped  it  several  times ;  for  I 
would  often  be  so  absorbed  in  theological  study  as  to  light 
my  pipe  without  realizing  what  I  was  doing. 

I  no  longer  chewed  cloves,  coffee,  parched-corn,  sweet- 
flag,  or  kindred  groceries,  which  may  be  had  gratis  after  a 
five-cent  outlay.  I  went  to  church  every  Sunday,  except 
when  the  Sunday  Herald's  weather  report  announced  that, 
in  New  York  and  vicinity,  cloudiness  might  be  expected, 
and  possibly  rain. 

So  comforting  did  I  find  the  preaching  of  the  Rev.  Selah 
Brownell  that  I  preferred  listening  to  it,  even  to  staying  at 
home  and  "minding"  the  half-dozen  babies. 

"Week-day  evenings,  instead  of  squandering  money  at 
wicked  amusements,  I  attended  revival  services,  where  a 
new  three-cent  piece  dropped  into  the  contribution-box 
would  receive  as  kindly  a  smile  as  would  a  dollar  and  a  half 
from  the  evil  spirit  who  presides  in  the  box-ofncfc  of  a  thea 
ter.  I  found  that  it  was  far  cheaper  to  go  to  heaven  than 
to  go  through  the  world. 

One  night  the  minister  asked  me  to  get  up  in  meeting  and 
relate  my  experiences.  Not  knowing  exactly  what  to  talk 
about,  I  selected  Jewell's  mother-in-law,  she  being  my  great 
est  experience,  and  the  one  most  recent.  The  audience,  for 
the  most  part,  appeared  pleased  with  my  few  feeble  remarks, 
but  the  minister  uncivilly  cut  them  short  in  their  incipiency 


304 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


by  giving  out  a  hymn,  and  asking  the  congregation  to  join 
in  singing.  I  knew  by  my  feelings  toward  him  that  I  was 
not  yet  prepared  for  my  final  departure. 

On  the  way  home,  I  fell  to  thinking  of  the  shortness  of 
my  remaining  time,  and  of  the  necessity  of  doing  everything 
in  my  power  toward  providing  for  the  wants  of  my  family. 
The  idea  of  getting  my  life  insured  suddenly  flashed  upon 


EXPERIENCE   MEETING. 


me.  It  grew  upon  me.  I  would  get  a  fifty-thousand-dollar 
policy — yea,  a  hundred-thousand-dollar  policy.  I  would 
surprise  Augusta  with  a  fortune  after  my  demise. 

The  next  day  I  sold  The  Farmer's  Guide  and  all  its  rights 
and  belongings  ;  sold  my  printing  stock  and  office  furniture, 
including  the  white  monkey.  I  took  all  the  proceeds,  and 
went  to  the  various  life  insurance  companies,  and  invested 


PKKPAHIN<;  K()H  DKATII. 


LIFE   INSURANCE  AND  DEATH.  307 

in  policies  until  the  last  cent  was  expended,  and  I  was 
insured  for  one  hundred  thousand  dollars.  The  doctors 
asked  me  all  sorts  of  questions,  but,  fortunately,  no  one 
thought  to  inquire  if  I  had  received  evidence  from  astrolo 
gers  that  I  was  soon  to  die ;  so  I  had  no  false  statements  to 
make,  and  was  able  to  retain  a  clear  conscience.  True,  I 
was  swindling  the  insurance  companies,  but  it  did  not  once 
occur  to  me  that  there  was  anything  wrong  in  that.  I  had 
heard  many  sermons,  but  no  clergyman  to  whom  I  had  lis 
tened  ever  said  a  word  against  taking  advantage  of  a  life 
insurance  company. 

I  imagined  I  had  done  the  good  thing  which  would  bring 
me  a  rich  reward  in  eternity.  I  pictured  Augusta  as  deeply 
affected  by  my  wise  and  affectionate  forethought  when  she 
should  suddenly  find  herself  a  wealthy  widow.  She  would 
know  then  how  I  had  loved  her. 

However,  I  was  not  quite  certain  that  I  was  ready  for 
death.  I  resolved  to  leave  nothing  undone  toward  securing 
my  everlasting  safety. 

With  this  end  in  view,  I  committed  to  memory  the  Thirty- 
nine  Articles,  the  one  hundred  and  seven  questions  and 
answers  of  the  Westminster  Shorter  Catechism,  the  Ten 
Commandments,  the  hieroglyphics  of  our  Central  Park 
Egpytian  Obelisk,  and  the  longest,  the  shortest,  and  the 
middle  verse  of  the  Bible.  Then  I  demonstrated  by  actual 
count  that  the  word  "Lord"  is  used  in  the  Holy  Scriptures 
one  thousand  eight  hundred  and  fifty-three  times. 

I  read  with  severe  attention  such  works  as  the  Talmud, 
Genealogy  of  Melchizedek,  Tenets  of  the  Schwenkf elders,  the 
Apocrypha,  twenty  volumes  of  Acta  Sanctorum,  Emanuel 
Swedenborg's  Heaven  and  its  Wonders  and  Hell,  and  forty- 
seven  pages  of  a  hand-book  of  English  Ecclesiology. 
19 


308 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


The  result  of  my  close  application  to  these  pious  authors 
became  manifest  in  my  loss  of  flesh  and  cadaverous  appear 
ance.  Hour  by  hour  I  wasted  away,  until  my  skin  embraced 
my  bones  with  little  interference.  My  wife  became  alarmed. 
A  medical  consultation  was  held.  Some  thought  there  was 
too  little  water  in  the  stomach,  others  that  there  was  too 
much  in  the  brain.  Some  said  I  ought  to  go  South.  Others 
advised  the  North.  The  wiser  ones  said  my  malady  was 

wholly  mental  and  could  not  be 
reached  by  ordinary  Materia 
Medica. 

No  one  knew  what  my  real 
trouble  was  except  myself — and 
I  would  not  tell. 

As  the  day  of  my  dissolution 
approached,  my  bodily  symp- 
\\  toms  began  to  correspond  with 
my  mental  condition.  I  had  no 
appetite.  A  dangerous  fever 
came  on.  The  physicians  ac 
knowledged  that  my  case  was 
critical,  and  ceased  speaking 
She  was  bowed  down  with  grief.  At 
my  bedside  she  tried  to  smile  and  speak  cheerfully,  but  I 
could  see  the  agony  behind  her  tears. 

I  had  a  presentiment  of  my  death.  This  made  three  wit 
nesses,  all  equally  trustworthy.  My  presentiment  was  that 
my  life  would  be  spared  till  the  last  moment  of  the  allotted 
time.  I  should  die  at  eight  o'clock  the  evening  of  my  thir 
tieth  birthday.  I  was  born  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening. 
My  mother  had  died  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening  on  her 
sixtieth  birthday.  I  saw  with  great  clearness  that  one-half 


WASTING  AW  AT. 


hopefully  to  my  wife. 


LIFE   INSURANCE    AND   DEATH. 


309 


of  sixty  was  thirty.  All  the  prominent  events  of  my  life 
had  occurred  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening.  I  was  to  have 
been  married  at  seven,  but  fate  secreted  the  matrimonial 
license,  and  delayed  the  wedding  an  hour.  My  wife's 
respected  mother  had  arrived  at  our  pleasant  home  at  eight 
o'clock  in  the  evening. 

The  day  came  that  was  to  be  my  last  on  earth.  Sorrow 
ing  friends  stood  about  my  couch  almost  killing  me  with 
their  misguided  kindness. 


THE   LAST  FAREWELL. 


At  six  o'clock  in  the  afternoon,  I  became  too  weak  to 
converse  except  a  few  broken  words.  At  fifteen  minutes 
past  six  my  feet  grew  cold.  Five  minutes  later  I  had  a 
severe  chill.  At  half  past  six  I  refused  brandy  and  water. 
Fifteen  minutes  before  seven,  I  called  for  the  six  babies, 
and  gave  them  my  dying  blessing.  I  beckoned  to  Augusta 
to  receive  my  final  farewell;  but  she  was  so  overcome  by 


310  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

her  feelings  that  the  attending  physician  was  obliged  to 
hasten  to  her  assistance. 

At  seven  o'clock,  the  Rev.  Mr.  Brownell  having  heard 
that  I  was  about  to  be  launched  into  eternity,  came  into  the 
sick  room  and  began  administering  what  comfort  he  could. 
To  him  I  explained  with  all  my  remaining  breath  how  fate 
had  decreed,  by  three  infallible  witnesses,  that  I  must  cross 
the  Stygian  ferry,  and  that  eight  o'clock  was  the  exact  time 
when  the  expiration  would  occur. 

He  tried  to  convince  me  that  I  was  laboring  under  a  delu 
sion,  but  his  effort  was  a  failure.  I  assured  him  that  if  I 
should  not  have  departed  this  life  by  the  time  the  clock 
should  finish  striking  eight,  I  would  never  have  any  more 
faith  in  predictions  or  presentiments. 

How  unconcerned  is  early  childhood  in  the  weighty  mat 
ters  of  eternity !  Little  Susie  was  our  eldest  child,  having 
been  brought  to  us  in  a  basket.  She  was  a  very  precocious 
little  four-year-old,  and  full  of  prattle.  I  had  given  her  a 
solemn  farewell,  and  told  her  she  could  never  see  her  papa 
alive  any  more,  but  evidently  she  had  not  comprehended  my 
words. 

Leaving  me,  she  joined  some  older  playmates  on  the 
street.  Pretty  soon  she  returned  to  my  side  bubbling  over 
with  enthusiasm.  Somebody  had  given  her  one  of  those 
toys  called  the  "Fifteen  Puzzle."  Until  then,  I  had  never 
seen  it.  She  begged  of  me  to  do  it  for  her.  It  looked  easy. 
How  could  I  turn  away  from  the  sweet  little  child,  realizing 
that  it  was  a  last  request  to  a  dying  man  ?  So,  taking  hold 
of  the  little  blocks  with  my  skinny  fingers,  I  began  shoving 
them  about,  while  Susie  was  intensely  interested.  In  a 
little  while,  I  began  to  get  interested  myself.  It  perplexed 
me  to  see  how  near  I  could  come  to  success  without  reach- 


LIFE  INSURANCE  AND  DEATH. 


311 


ing  it.  Summoning  all  my  power  into  one  resolution,  I 
whispered,  "  Wait  a  few  minutes,  Susie,  I  will  get  tins  done 
before  I  die." 

My  ruling  propensity,  strong  even  in  death,  is,  as  the 
reader  well  knows,  concentration.  In  attending  to  any  one 
thing,  I  forget  everything  else.  That  fifteen  puzzle  took  the 
whole  of  me,  and  needed  much  more.  Once  absorbed  in 


A  LAST  ACT. 


that,  I  became  utterly  lost  to  all  the  world  besides.     Time 
after  time  I  reset  the  pieces  and  renewed  the  struggle. 

Eight  o'clock,  nine  o'clock,  ten  o'clock  came,  but  I  was 
insensible  to  the  flight  of  time.  I  had  actually  forgotten  to 
die.  The  fifteen  puzzle  had  beaten  the  prophets.  Or,  shall 
I  be  more  grateful,  and  confess  that  the  little  waif  whom  I 
had  saved  from  the  unpitying  world  had  now  saved  me  ? 


312 


MY  WIFE'S  FOOL   OF  A   HUSBAND. 


My  superstition  was  gone.     With  remarkable  rapidity  I 

recovered  my  health. 

My  wife's   rejoicing  was   boundless.     But,   alas!  I   was 

compelled  to  break  the  sad  news  to  her  which  was  weighing 

heavily  on  my  own  mind. 

"Augusta,"  said  I,  "  The  Farmer's  Guide  is  lost  to  us.     I 

sold  it  out,  and  invested  the  proceeds  in  life  insurance  poli 
cies,  which  must  now  be  for 
feited.  I  had  planned  to 
leave  you  one  hundred  thou 
sand  dollars  more  than  we 
already  possess.  But  I  did 
not  die  when  my  time  came, 
and  the  entire  amount  is  lost. 
Just  my  miserable  luck  !  " 

"August,"  said  the  dear 
woman,  putting  her  arm 
around  my  neck,  "we  have 
still  enough  left  to  make  us 
comfortable  through  life 
without  ever  doing  any  more 
work.  But  I  would  a  thou 
sand  times  rather  have  you, 
even  without  a  penny,  than 

to   secure  the  wealth  of  a  Yanderbilt,   and  be  separated 

from  you." 

"  Your  precious  love  shall  be  my  religion,"  said  I ;  "  and 

henceforth  I  will  honor  it  by  the  best  life  I  can  possibly 

lead." 

It  is  said  that  a  certain  place  is  paved  with  good  resolu 
tions.     I  myself  have  furnished  enough  to  macadamize  a 

road  from  New  York  to  Jerusalem. 


"JTJST  MY  LUCK!" 


LIFE   INSURANCE   AND    DEATH.  313 

There  is  a  great  ship  in  the  harbor,  and  the  fireman  is 
now  putting  coal  in  the  furnace,  and  the  engineer  is  polish 
ing  the  machinery.  Is  this  what  the  ship  was  made  for? 
To-morrow  will  the  fires  be  again  kindled,  and  the  metal 
again  be  cleaned  ?  Day  after  day  and  year  after  year  shall 
this  be  repeated,  until  at  last  the  vessel  rots  where  it  lies  ? 
Such  is  my  poor  life.  Probably  it  was  designed  for  a  glori 
ous  voyage ;  but,  notwithstanding  my  forever  getting  ready 
to  start,  I  am  still  in  the  dock. 

I  lack  application.  It  is  everything.  What  good  is 
accomplished  by  stirring  dough  unless  it  is  finally  converted 
into  bread.  He  knows  enough  already  who  knows  how  to 
make  right  use  of  what  he  knows.  Wisdom  is  better  than 
knowledge. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

HOW  I  LOST  A  GOVERNMENT  APPOINTMENT. 

I  BOUGHT  a  house  on  one  of  the  avenues  in  New  York, 
and    after    having    it    nicely    furnished,   moved    my 
family  into  it,  intending  to   settle   down   and   spend  the 
rest  of  my  days  midst  love  and  ease.     But  after  about  a 
year  of  undisturbed  quiet,  I  became  restless. 

I  fear  that  Heaven  itself  would  not  satisfy  me  more  than 
a  year  and  a  half,  unless  it  differs  from  those  descriptions 
which  it  has  been  my  misfortune  to  hear. 

I  yearned  for  some  kind  of  excitement.  I  wanted  to 
be  the  hero  of  incidents,  accidents,  and  achievements.  For 
a  time  I  had  my  mind  set  on  going  to  the  North  Pole  in  a 
balloon,  but  Augusta  would  not  hear  to  that. 

Then  I  became  ambitious  to  secure  a  foreign  mission. 
For  this  purpose  I  wrote  to  the  President  of  the  United 
States,  urging  my  fitness  for  the  position. 

He  replied  that  he  regarded  my  claim  with  favor,  and 
requested  me  to  call  at  the  White  House  the  next  Monday 
evening  at  nine  o'clock  sharp,  in  order  to  avoid  the  rush. 

"  What  do  you  suppose  he  means  by  this  reference  to  the 
rush?"  I  said  to  Augusta. 

"  I  cannot  imagine,"  she  answered,  "  unless  it  be  that, 
since  he  has  been  recently  inaugurated,  there  may  be 
others  also  seeking  to  obtain  appointment  to  office." 

(314) 


HOW   I   LOST   A   GOVERNMENT   APPOINTMENT. 


315 


"Can  it  be  possible,"  I  asked,  "that  this  country  has 

any  considerable  number  of  persons  who  deem  themselves 

qualified  for  the  position  of  representative  to  a  foreign  court  ?" 

"Perhaps   the  number  is  larger  than  you  apprehend," 

responded  my  wife. 

When  Monday  came 
I  took  the  first  train  to 
Washington,  and  ar 
rived  late  in  the  after 
noon  with  a  hopeful 
heart. 

Hastening  to  the  best 
hotel,  I  was  sadly  dis 
appointed  in  not  being 
able  to  procure  a  room 
for  love  or  money. 


BEING  A  HERO. 

I  whispered  in  the  clerk's  ear  that  I  was  August  Berkeley, 
and  that  I  had  been  sent  for  by  the  President  of  the  United 
States,  who  wished  to  consult  with  me  on  the  affairs  of 
nations.  I  had  expected  this  information  would  so  over 
whelm  his  conceit  that  he  would  bow  before  me  in  abject 
humility,  while  giving  me  the  assurance  that  the  private 


316 


MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 


parlors  of  the  house  would  be  immediately  put  in  order  for 
my  convenience. 

No  such  effect  was  produced.  He  simply  said  with  a 
haughty  air  of  contemptible  indifference : 

"We  can  do  nothing  for  you.  The  town  is  so  full  of 
office-seekers  that  an  honest  citizen  has  scarcely  room  to 
turn  around.  Look  at  that  register  with  its  twenty-seven 
pages  filled  up  since  this  morning." 


"ALL  FULL!" 

"  Twenty-seven  pages  of  names ! "  I  exclaimed.  "  Impos 
sible  ! " 

"  No,  not  names,"  said  he,  "  but  titles.  The  names  them 
selves  occupy  a  very  small  portion  of  the  space." 

I  applied  at  all  the  other  hotels,  but  with  no  better  suc 
cess.  Surely,  the  multitude  that  considered  themselves 
worthy  of  filling  the  highest  position  within  the  political 
gift  of  the  nation,  was  alarmingly  great. 


HOW  I  LOST   A   GOVERNMENT   APPOINTMENT. 


317 


What  should  I  do?  To  go  to  a  boarding-house  was 
beneath  my  dignity.  I  had  brought  my  best  clothes  in  a 
trunk,  and  it  was  necessary  that  I  have  some  place  other 
than  the  street  in  which  to  effect  my  toilet. 

Wandering  about,  I  noticed  a  placard  on  a  front  door, 
which  read : 

"  This  cottage  to  rent.  Completely  furnished,  and  ready 
for  occupancy.  Inquire  within" 

I  inquired. 

Only  one  woman  was 
there,  and  she  was  impa 
tient  to  leave. 

Two  nights  before,  a 
sad  thing  had  happened 
in  the  house.  It  was  en 
tered  by  burglars,  and  a 
servant  who  attempted 
to  capture  one  of  them, 
was  murdered.  The 
family  who  lived  there 
being  of  a  very  nervous 
temperament  were  so 
overcome  by  this  dreadful 
event,  that  the  doctors 
advised  their  removal  from  the  premises. 

A  reward  of  two  thousand  dollars  had  been  offered  for 
information  leading  to  the  conviction  of  the  murderer,  and 
it  was  announoed  that  owing  to  the  vigilance  of  the 
police,  he  must  be  secreted  at  no  great  distance  from  the 
place  where  the  crime  was  committed. 

Notwithstanding  this  thrilling  account  which  I  received 
from  the  woman,  who  with  considerable  bravery  had  occu- 


INQUIRE  WITHIN. 


318  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

pied  the  house  for  two  days — but  not  nights — for  the  pur 
pose  of  disposing  of  the  property  to  the  best  advantage,  I 
consented  to  take  possession  of  it  at  once,  and  for  this 
privilege  I  paid  a  month's  rent  in  advance. 

I  tried  to  obtain  a  valet,  ,but  owing  to  the  innate  super 
stition  of  uneducated  servants,  and  to  my  limited  time,  my 
efforts  were  futile. 

Being  left  the  sole  occupant  of  the  cottage,  I  was  sur 
prised  myself  at  discovering  within  my  own  breast  a  some 
what  indefinable  discomfort;  especially  as  the  shadows 
of  evening  began  to  fall,  and  the  timbers  and  floors  began 
to  creak  —  as  they  will  in  a  house  where  the  fires  are 
neglected  —  I  almost  repented  of  my  bargain. 

Nine  o'clock  sharp,  was  the  appointed  time  for  meeting 
the  President,  and  it  was  now  half-past  eight. 

I  had  dressed  myself  in  my  best  habiliments,  including 
my  tightest  boots,  and  arranged  my  rooms  very  orderly, 
being  determined  to  bring  back  a  senator  or  two,  or  at 
least  a  Judge  of  the  Supreme  Court,  to  spend  the  night 
with  me. 

This  done,  I  locked   the   door  and   rushed  down  stairs. 

"  Idiot ! "  I  exclaimed  to  myself,  as  I  reached  the  street, 
"I  do  believe  I  am  only  half-witted  to-night,  for  I  have 
left  the  windows  open,  the  gas  burning,  and  my  letter  from 
the  President,  which  must  serve  as  an  introduction,  in  my 
other  coat. 

Back  I  rushed,  unlocked  the  door,  pulled  it  open,  and 
immediately  I  was  transfixed  with  fear.  I  do  not  exagger 
ate  when  I  say  that  my  heart  entirely  ceased  to  beat,  and 
every  hair  of  my  head  stood  on  end.  In  that  instant  I  had 
seen  the  fluttering  of  the  counterpane  which  covered  the 
bed,  extending  to  the  floor  on  either  side,  and  had  distinctly 


HOW  I   LOST   A   GOVERNMENT   APPOINTMENT. 


319 


caught   sight  of  the  soles  of  two  boots  as  they  vanished 
from  view  beneath  the  bed. 

I  have  always  been  a  coward  where  burglars  and  robbers 
are  concerned.      It  results,  I    suppose,  from    the    blood- 


TRANSFIXED  WITH  FEAR. 


curdling  fictions  told  me  when  a  little  child  by  my  old 
witch  of  a  nurse. 

As  soon  as  I  could  move,  I  withdrew  from  the  room  and 
locked  the  door.  Not  satisfied  with  this,  I  brought  a  lounge 
and  several  chairs  from  an  adjoining  room,  and  braced 


320 


MY   WIFE'S   FOOL  OF   A   HUSBAND. 


them  against  the  door,  till  I  had  completely  filled  the 
passage-way,  so  that  by  no  possible  means  could  the  door 
be  forced  open  into  the  hall.  Then  I  paused  to  get  breath 
and  reflect. 

"Two  thousand  dollars,"  I  soliloquized,  recalling  the 
offer  which  had  been  made  for  the  capture  of  the  male 
factor.  "  I  will  make  a  present  of  it  to  Augusta,  and  then 

won't  she  be  proud  of  her 
hero  when  she  learns  how 
I  obtained  it." 

Hastening  into  the  street 
I  hailed  the  first  man  in 
sight,  told  him  about  the 
burglar  in  my  chamber, 
and  bade  him  watch  the 
room  and  be  ready  to  give 
the  alarm  in  case  anything 
should  happen. 

Furthermore,  I  engaged 
a  boy  to  stay  on  the  side 
walk,  to  see  that  the  des 
perado  did  not  throw  him 
self  from  the  window  and 
escape.  Then  I  started  for 
police  headquarters,  where  I  gave  a  thrilling  account  of  my 
adventure,  and  as  I  was  determined  not  to  lose  full  control 
of  the  reward,  I  made  a  special  arrangement  with  officer 
Matson,  whereby  he  should  act  only  as  my  agent  and  I 
should  be  considered  the  sole  principal  in  the  capture. 

After  great  haste  in  getting  back  to  the  cottage,  we  were 
met  by  the  boy  whom  I  had  left  in  charge  of  the  street 
department,  and  he  informed  us  that  "jest  sure  as 


AN  EXCITED  BOY 


THK  HlLAKlors  OFHK'EK. 


HOW   I   LOST   A   GOVERNMENT   APPOINTMENT.  323 

guns"  he  had  seen  the  big  burglar  appear  twice  at  the 
window.  And  when,  next  moment,  we  met  the  man  whom 
I  had  placed  at  the  head  of  the  stairs,  he  assured  us  that 
although  the  villian  had  not  kicked  any  at  the  door,  he  had 
plainly  heard  his  footsteps  on  the  floor. 

Cautiously  we  removed  the  barricade — though  I  was 
so  unfortunate  as  to  make  an  ugly  rent  in  my  coat — and 
when  everything  was  in  readiness,  officer  Matson  grasped 
his  revolver  in  one  hand,  turned  the  key  with  the  other, 
and  suddenly  pulled  open  the  door.  What  ?  There  was 
the  same  fluttering  of  the  coverlet,  and  the  same  boots  in 
the  same  place. 

In  a  second  of  supreme  agony,  the  whole  truth  flashed 
upon  me.  I  had  changed  my  boots;  and  in  putting  the 
room  to  rights  in  the  most  approved  style,  had  shoved  my 
old  ones  under  the  bed,  and  in  opening  the  door  a  draft  had 
been  produced  which  caused  the  white  spread  to  move 
rapidly  over  them. 

When  officer  Matson  learned  this,  I  verily  feared  he 
would  raise  the  whole  city  with  his  aggravating  laughter. 

No,  indeed,  it  was  no  laughable  matter  to  me.  I  put  a 
roll  of  bills  into  the  officer's  hands,  and  said : 

"  Understand  me,  sir ;  this  thing  must  not  be  made 
public." 

"  Of  course  not,"  replied  officer  Matson,  "  but  the  fact 
that  you  thought  you  had  the  burglar  is  already  out,  and 
spreading  like  wild-fire  in  every  direction." 

"  So  it  is,"  I  answered,  "  and  that  part  of  it  cannot  be 
stopped,  but  that  I  was  frightened  half  to  death  at  my 
own  boots,  is  something  that  no  one  yet  knows  except  you 
and  me,  and  it  must  never  go  further." 

"Certainly  not,"   responded    Matson,   "but   I   shall   be 


324  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

asked  all  manner  of  questions  about  the  burglar ;  and  what 
shall  I  answer  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know,"  said  I,  "  but  you  must  make  up  some 
thing,  anything,  and  I  will  not  deny  your  statement  of  the 
case,  put  it  how  you  will." 

"  Pledge  me  this  on  your  honor  ?  "  said  he. 

"  I  pledge  you,"  said  I. 

It  took  me  half  an  hour  to  find  a  decent  coat,  after 
which  I  entered  a  Herdic  and  was  driven  to  the  White 
House. 

Too  late.  The  President  had  gone  to  bed.  The  night 
watchman  refused  to  wake  him. 

Nor  could  I  find  any  senators  or  judges  lying  around 
loose  who  would  accompany  me  to  my  house. 

I  returned  crestfallen  and  alone,  resolving,  however,  to 
see  the  Chief  Magistrate  early  next  morning. 

Next  day,  I  was  compelled  to  wait  until  a  late  hour  for 
the  Chief  Executive  to  get  up  and  dress  himself. 

At  last  I  succeeded  in  obtaining  an  audience. 

To  my  surprise,  the  President  received  me  with  a  most 
freezing  air. 

"  If  you  had  come  last  night,"  said  he,  "  you  would  have 
received  an  enviable  appointment,  but  how  can  you  have  the 
face  to  intrude  yourself  upon  me  since  the  disgraceful 
affair  concerning  which  the  papers  of  to-day  give  a  full 
account. 

I  staggered. 

The  President  glared  at  me  savagely. 

"  You  must  admit,"  I  stammered  as  soon  as  I  could  partly 
recover  my  composure,  "that  no  moral  turpitude  attaches 
to  my  recent  conduct." 

"  Perhaps  you  think  so,"  said  he  scornfully,  "  but  when  a 


HOW   I   LOST   A   GOVERNMENT   APPOINTMENT.  325 

man  has  become  so  addicted  to  strong  drink  that  he  allows 
himself  to  get  drunk  before  the  public,  he  is  not  exactly 
what  we  want  as  a  representative  of  our  glorious  nation." 

"I  am  glad  to  hear  it;  but  who  says  I  was  drunk ?" 

"  Did  you  not  run  through  the  streets  pretending  that  a 
burglar  was  in  your  bed-room?" 

"  Yes  ;  but  who  says  I  was  drunk  ?  " 

"Officer  Matson." 

"  Officer  Matson  is  a  li — ." 

"  Be  careful  sir ;  he  is  a  relative  of  mine.  I  have  seen 
him  myself,  and  he  says  you  could  not  deny  his  statement." 

True  enough.  I  had  promised  Matson  I  would  not 
deny  any  version  of  the  affair  he  might  choose  to  offer. 

There  was  nothing  for  it  but  for  me  to  bid  the  President 
a  long  farewell. 

That  day  I  vacated  my  cottage  and  returned  to  New 
York,  giving  Augusta  a  detailed  description  of  my  misad 
venture. 

She  was  not  astonished. 
20 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

VICTOEY  OF  THE  WOMEN. 

I  VERILY  believe  some  of  my  New  York  friends  experi 
enced  a  sensation  of  difficulty  in  crediting  my  explana 
tion  of  the  Washington  affair,  for,  to  my  chagrin,  they  came 
to  urge  me  to  sign  a  total  abstinence  pledge,  and  to  join  a 
temperance  society. 

Having  nothing  else  to  do,  I  signed  and  joined.  I  would 
have  it  distinctly  understood,  however,  that  I  had  no  more 
need  of  such  props  than  a  carriage  has  of  a  fifth  wheel.  I 
disliked  very  much  to  bind  with  galling  fetters  the  glorious 
American  eagle  in  my  bosom.  But  if  any  man  can  resist 
the  tearful  entreaties  of  one  hundred  and  seventeen  women, 
each  one  bearing  a  vote,  instead  of  a  child  in  her  coming 
hands,  he  can  do  more  than  I. 

They  convinced  me  that  I  was  perfectly  safe  and  sound  in 
in  all  my  habits  as  an  individual,  but  that  I  was  as  much 
more  than  an  individual  as  sunlight  is  more  than  sun. 
Pretty  comparison,  is  it  not  ?  A  person  is  like  the  sun's 
body,  which,  as  such,  is  comparatively  useless,  while  a  per 
son's  influence  is  like  the  great  universal  effulgence  that 
shines  on  the  just  and  on  the  unjust. 

One  lady  said,  quoting  from  Longfellow : 

"  I  feel  like  Master  Joslyn,  when  he  found  the  hornet's 

(326) 


VICTOEY   OP   THE  WOMEN.  327 

nest,  and  thought  it  some  strange  fruit  until  the  seeds  came 
out,  and  then  he  dropped  it." 

"When  I  asked  her  what  made  her  feel  that  way,  she 
replied,  that  she  merely  wanted  to  illustrate  the  position  of 
the  man  who  finds  the  wine  cup,  and  thinks  it  some  strange 
fruit,  until  the  seeds  come  out,  and  then — he  does  not  drop 
it.  "And  this,"  she  continued,  "makes  the  vice  of  intem 
perance  a  society  interest.  If  the  hornets  confined  their 
deathly  stings  to  the  foolish  person  carrying  the  nest,  other 
people  might  conclude,  with  some  show  of  reason,  that  they 
would  attend  to  their  own  business  and  let  him  attend  to 
his.  But  when  the  hornets  are  stinging  everybody  at  ran 
dom,  it  becomes  everybody's  business  to  destroy  the  nest,  in 
spite  of  the  objections  of  him  who  happens  to  have  it  in  his 
possession." 

I  thought  I  saw  some  force  in  these  remarks,  although 
they  could  not  justly  be  called  argument,  coming,  as  they 
did,  from  a  woman." 

"  But  you  forget,"  said  I,  wishing  to  furnish  a  sample  of 
genuine  masculine  logic,  "  that  there  is  such  a  thing  as  per 
sonal  liberty,  for  which  our  fathers  and  mothers  fought, 
bled,  and  died,  and  with  which  no  municipal,  state,  or 
national  law  must  be  allowed  to  interfere." 

"  That  is  all  very  well,"  answered  the  chairwoman  of  the 
New  York  Christian  Union  Temperance  Universal  Suffrage 
Equal  Rights  Just  Compensation  Social  Reformation  Pray 
ing  and  Working  Band,  "  but  if  a  railroad  company  were  to 
adopt  the  plan  of  running  open  passenger  cars  on  its  track, 
it  would  avail  nothing  for  it  to  plead  that  the  cars  were  its 
own,  and  that  if  the  people  did  not  like  them  they  could 
withhold  their  patronage;  for  the  law  would  step  in  and 
compel  the  company  to  avoid  even  the  occasion  of  danger. 


328  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

That  is  what  we  ask  of  legislation  in  this  case.  Intemper* 
ance  is  running  open  cars  over  a  rough  road  day  and  night. 
Ten  thousand  passengers  fall  off  every  year,  and  are  either 
horribly  maimed  for  life  or  killed  outright.  Not  only  the 
criminally  careless  thus  fall,  but  they  drag  with  them  an 
untold  number  of  innocent  women  and  children." 

"  True,"  I  replied, "  but  I  am  under  the  unpleasant  neces 
sity  of  showing  you  how  far  short  your  intuitive  conception 
falls  of  an  all-comprehensive  rationalistic  view  of  the  real 
situation.  This  is  a  great  world.  And,  although  many  are 
ruined  by  intemperance,  they  constitute  but  an  insignificant 
minority  compared  with  the  millions  who  daily  indulge  in 
intoxicating  beverages  but  are  never  injured  thereby." 

Any  person  but  a  woman  would  have  been  so  staggered 
by  this  stubborn  fact  as  not  to  attempt  an  immediate  reply ; 
but  the  presiding  officer  of  the  New  York  Christian  U.  T.  U., 
etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  had  me  answered  before  the  last  word  was 
fairly  out  of  my  mouth.  Then,  just  to  give  me  something 
to  think  of,  she  told  me  how  a  company  of  loafers  were  once 
gathered  together  in  the  bar-room  of  a  tavern,  when  a  ques 
tion  arose  as  to  who  could  hold  his  leg  in  a  tub  of  hot  water 
the  longest. 

"  At  last,"  continued  the  chairwoman,  "  a  quiet  appearing 
stranger  emerged  from  a  dark  corner,  and  requested  to  have 
the  tub  filled  with  boiling  water,  and  then  laid  a  wager  that 
he  would  hold  his  leg  in  it  for  five  minutes.  The  water  was 
provided,  when  immediately,  without  wincing,  the  stranger 
coolly  dipped  his  leg  into  it,  and  held  it  there  the  full  time, 
showing  no  indication  of  suffering." 

"  Do  you  expect  me  to  believe  that  ?  "  I  inquired,  as  the 
chairwoman  paused  in  her  narration.  "  A  man  never  believes 
the  unreasonable.  No  person's  lower  limb  could  be  im- 


VICTORY   OF  THE  WOMEN.  329 

mersed  for  an  instant  in  water  at  boiling  temperature  with 
out  causing  the  most  excrutiating  pain." 

"  You  mistake,"  said  she.  "  For  it  was  afterward  discov 
ered  that  the  man  had  a  wooden  leg" 

"  A  very  good  story"  I  replied,  laughing.  "  But  I  cannot 
see  what  it  has  to  do  with  the  immunity  from  evil  which  is 
enjoyed  by  those  who  drink  moderately  of  strong  drink." 

"  Why,  can  you  not  see  the  point  ?  "  exclaimed  my  fair 
visitor.  "  When  you  hear  a  person  boast  that  he  has  drank 
all  his  life,  and  that  it  has  never  hurt  him,  set  it  down  that 
the  head — which  should  have  been  the  affected  part — is 
essentially  wooden." 

"  Your  judgment  is  too  harsh  and  sweeping,"  I  respect 
fully  suggested.  "  There  have  been  some  great  and  good 
men  in  the  world's  history  who  began  with  moderate  drink 
ing,  and  never  went  beyond  it." 

"  True,  sir ;  but  they  had  to  fight  continually  against  a 
natural  law  or  tendency,  thus  exhausting  much  energy  that 
might  have  been  more  usefully  expended." 

"  I  do  not  quite  catch  your  meaning." 

"I  mean  this:  The  natural  habit  or  tendency  of  alcohol  is 
to  make  provision  for  its  own  future.  Once  introduced  into 
the  brain,  it  refits  the  brain  for  its  convenience  with  the 
.expectation  of  coming  again.  Every  time  it  enters,  it  makes 
more  elaborate  preparations  for  subsequent  visits.  If  cheese 
possessed  this  inherent  demand  for  a  constant  increase  of 
allowance,  I  should  organize  a  society  to  work  for  the  aboli 
tion  of  cheese.  Do  you  understand  me  now  ?  " 

I  understood  more  than  I  was  willing  to  confess,  but  neg 
lected  to  tell  her  so. 

"  Strong  drink,"  she  continued,  "  enters  the  delicate  tis 
sue  of  the  brain,  and,  by  absorbing  the  fluids,  hardens  the 


330  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

albumen,  and  thus  makes  the  victim  utterly  incapable  of 
comprehending  his  own  danger.  Let  me  illustrate: 

"  Two  men  were  crossing  a  slough,  when  one  of  them  fell 
into  a  treacherous  mud-hole,  from  which  the  other  was  una 
ble  to  extricate  him." 

"  How  far  was  he  in  ?  "  I  inquired,  thinking  to  entangle 
my  disputant  in  the  meshes  of  an  improbability. 

"  Up  to  his  knees,"  she  replied. 

"His  companion  must  have  been  rather  puny,"  I  said, 
laughing,  '*  if  he  could  not  get  even  the  lower  part  of  one's 
lower  limbs  out  of  the  mire." 

"  I  said  he  was  in  up  to  his  knees,"  responded  the  woman 
with  considerable  emphasis.  "  But  he  was  in  head  first. 
That  is  just  the  way  the  moderate  drinker  goes  in.  There 
fore  he  needs  must  have  much  warning  to  withhold  him 
from  the  dangerous  pitfall,  and  abundant  assistance  when 
first  he  falls." 

Realizing  that  I  was  not  occupying  the  most  advantageous 
ground  for  the  complete  suppression  of  the  New  York 
Christian  U.  T.  U.,  etc.,  etc.,  etc.,  Praying  and  Working  Band, 
I  hastened  to  a  new  position,  and  said : 

"  You  must  admit  that  the  Bible — " 

But  I  had  no  time  to  finish,  for  the  chairwoman  had  seen 
already  what  I  was  coming  at,  and  was  there  herself  long 
enough  before  me  to  furnish  a  volume  of  answer  which 
would  have  caused  a  short-hand  reporter  to  commit  suicide." 

"The  ingenious  devices  of  sin  can  prove  anything  by  the 
Bible,"  she  went  on  to  say.  "  Once  our  minister  had  to  be 
absent  over  Sunday,  and  not  being  able  to  obtain  a  supply 
from  the  clerical  ranks,  he  asked  a  physician  to  occupy  the 
pulpit.  He  consented,  but  found  it  very  difficult  to  select  a 
text  to  suit  him.  At  last  he  came  across  these  words,  hav- 


VICTOEY   OP  THE   WOMEN.  331 

ing  reference  to  the  divine  Master, '  And  he  healed  them  all, 
and  charged  them,'  from  which  he  proceeded  to  argue  that 
doctors  were  justified  in  compelling  their  patients  to  pay 
fees.  Some  of  the  congregation  were  so  ignorant  they  did 
not  know  that  the  whole  clause  reads, '  And  he  healed  them 
all,  and  charged  them  that  they  should  not  make  him 
known.' 

"  Thus,  on  the  temperance  question,  we  demand  that  the 
Bible  shall  be  fairly  read  and  interpreted,  not  with  refer 
ence  to  a  single  sentence,  but  taking  into  consideration  its 
whole  spirit  and  purpose." 

As  I  could  not  trust  myself  to  quote  even  single  sentences, 
to  say  nothing  of  discussing  the  whole  soul  and  tenor  of  the 
good  book,  I  wisely  forebore  to  carry  the  discussion  any 
further  in  that  particular  direction. 

"  I  do  not  advocate  the  habitual  use  of  stimulants,"  said 
I,  "but  as  a  medicine — " 

"  Medicine  "  was  the  last  word  I  uttered  for  five  minutes, 
during  which  I  received  more  information  embodying  the 
opinions  of  eminent  physicians  than  I  had  supposed  existed 
in  all  the  libraries  of  the  world. 

"  It  is  just  like  this,"  said  the  head  official,  after  pronounc 
ing  a  scorching  anathema  on  the  memory  of  Paracelsus, 
"  you  find,  that  in  a  certain  place  your  roof  is  leaking,  and 
you  send  a  man  up  to  repair  it.  Being  a  shiftless  workman, 
he  does  nothing  but  take  some  shingles  out  of  the  sound 
parts  of  the  roof,  with  which  to  stop  the  leak  in  the  unsound 
parts.  All  is  well  until  the  next  storm,  when  you  discover 
that,  although  the  water  does  not  come  through  in  the  old 
place,  there  are  several  new  places  that  need  attention. 
Again  you  send  for  the  workman,  and  again  he  mends  the 
roof  with  the  roof  itself ;  and  this  continues,  until  finally 


332  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

the  whole  roof  is  destroyed.  Such  a  fraudulent  workman  is 
alcohol,  and  such  a  roof  is  the  human  system.  Draw  your 
own  conclusion." 

The  conclusion  I  drew  was  that  I  was  not  making  much 
headway  against  the  assailant  of  my  principles. 

Gathering  all  my  energies  for  a  final  onslaught,  I  said: 

"  Do  not  suppose  for  a  moment  that  I  am  not  the  most 
rigid  advocate  of  temperance.  But,  looking  at  the  subject 
coolly,  deliberately,  and  from  every  side,  as  only  a  man  is 
capable  of  doing,  I  must  hold  to  the  position  that  license  is 
the  most  practical  remedy  for  the  monstrous  evil  with  which 
we  are  trying  to  deal." 

"  And  what  will  be  the  end  ?  What  is  the  final  upshot  of 
the  license  system  ?  "  asked  the  president  aforesaid,  in  dul 
cet  tones,  as  though  she  were  really  asking  for  information. 

"The  license  policy,"  said  I,  "proposes  to  hold  the  evil 
under  restraint,  until,  without  any  great  revolution  or  unnat 
ural  excitement,  it  dies  a  natural  death." 

"  That  reminds  me  of  the  Irishman  whose  sleep  was  dis 
turbed  by  a  howling  dog,"  replied  my  fair  tormentor.  "  He 
endured  the  infliction  as  long  as  possible,  and  then  jumped 
out  of  bed  and  out  at  the  window  into  the  wintry  air.  He 
had  been  gone  a  long  time  when  his  good  wife  began  to 
worry,  fearing  something  had  happened  to  Pat.  Going  to 
the  window,  what  was  her  surprise  to  behold  her  lord  and 
master  sitting  on  a  snow-bank  in  almost  complete  disarray, 
while  holding  to  the  dog  by  the  hind  leg. 

"  *  Phat  are  ye  doin'  thar,  ye  spalpeen  ? '  she  demanded, 

" '  Och,  now,  kape  quiet,'  answered  his  masculinity. 
'  Don't  ye  see  I'm  afther  holding  the  baste  here  oontil  he 
f razes  to  death?'" 

"  That  is  nothing  but  an  almanac  story,"  said  I ;  "  and  if 


VICTORY   OF  THE   WOMEN.  333 

I  had  my  hat  on,  I  should  certainly  remove  it  out  of  respect 
to  its  venerable  age.  You  certainly  cannot  expect  me  to 
believe  it,"  I  added,  hoping  to  confuse  her. 

She  braced  herself  for  a  grand  effort,  and  vigorously 
replied : 

"  The  story  is  just  as  reasonable  as  that  any  man  whose 
brains  are  not  made  of  sawdust  believes  that  the  license 
party  can  hold  to  the  evil  of  intemperance  until  it  dies  a 
natural  death.  Since  you  have  been  pleased  to  characterize 
my  anecdote  as  being  in  its  second  childhood,  I  will  give 
you  another.  During  our  last  war,  an  officer  of  the  grand 
rounds  visited  the  picket  posts  one  night,  when  he  discov 
ered  that  one  of  the  posts  was  vacant.  He  called  loudly  for 
the  missing  soldier.  After  a  while  an  answer  came  from  the 
distant  woods  : 

"  '  Here  I  am.' 

" '  What  are  you  doing  there  ? ' 

"  '  I've  caught  a  rebel.' 

" '  Why  don't  you  bring  him  in  ? ' 

" « He  won't  let  me.' 

"Just  so,"  continued  my  handsome  aggravator,  "the 
license  party  has  caught  King  Alcohol.  Why  don't  it  bring 
him  in?  Because,  in  reality,  the  king  is  in  command. 
Now,  sir,  I  have  come  here  with  these  down-trodden  sisters  to 
argue  this  question  of  intemperance  in  all  its  length,  breadth, 
and  thickness.  We  desire  to  labor  with  you  until  you  sign 
our  pledge,  and  promise  that  your  influence  shall  be  exerted 
in  our  cause." 

"  Where  is  the  pledge  ?  "  said  I.    "Let  me  subscribe." 

They  let  me. 

Then  the  angel  of  peace  spread  her  white  and  beautiful 
wings  over  our  home. 


PART   II. 


ACKOSS  THE 


CHAPTER  I. 

AN  AMBITION  GRATIFIED. 

AFTER  living  in  luxury  several  years,  during  which  I  had 
the  satisfaction  of  seeing  my  children  develope  into 
boys  and  girls  of  excellent  promise — for  our  oldest  was  now 
seventeen,  and  Pete,  who  was  kidnapped,  and  for  whom  we 
had  always  kept  a  large  place  in  our  hearts,  would  be  at 
least  two  years  older  than  the  twin — I  began  to  weary  of 
easy  circumstances,  and  to  yearn  for  a  more  active  life. 

Augusta,  too,  when  she  considered  how  many  awkward 
embarrassments  my  leisure  got  me  into,  seemed  willing  that 
1  should  engage  in  some  kind  of  active  business,  even 
though  it  resulted  in  depriving  her  of  the  sweet  consolation 
of  my  constant  presence.  What  a  self-sacrificing  spirit  that 
woman  has  always  had ! 

What  should  I  do  ? 

"  Anything  to  occupy  the  mind,"  suggested  Augusta. 

I  realized  then  that  it  was  not  well  to  have  so  much  mind 
lying  around  loose. 

About  that  time  I  accidentally  heard  of  an  opening  for  a 
good  detective.  I  had  always  thought  favorably  of  that 
profession,  and  believed  that  naturally  I  was  well  fitted 
for  it. 

A  school-master  who  had  gone  from  New  York,  and  with 
whom  I  had  been  on  terms  of  warmest  friendship,  had  been 

(339) 


340  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

murdered  in  Swampton,  Massachusetts,  under  such  pecu 
liar  circumstances  that  the  perpetrator  of  the  crime  had  so 
far  remained  undiscovered  and  unknown,  notwithstanding  a 
reward  had  been  offered  for  his  arrest  and  conviction. 
But,  although  many  persons  had  been  engaged  in  hunting  a 
clue,  no  approach  to  success  had  yet  been  made. 

I  was  urged  by  some  of  my  friends,  who  also  were  friends 
of  the  unfortunate  man,  to  undertake  ferreting  out  the 
mystery.  Little  urging  was  required,  for  I  was  glad  of  an 
opportunity  to  show  my  loyalty  of  love  toward  the  dead. 
Besides,  I  craved  just  the  kind  of  excitement  which  such  a 
mission  would  afford. 

My  first  move  was  to  go  to  Swampton,  and  learn  what  I 
could  concerning  the  family  of  John  Hotchkick,  in  whose 
house  the  school-master  had  been  boarding  at  the  time  of 
his  violent  decease. 

I  had  been  told  that  they  had  hot  given  a  very  clear 
description  of  the  "  stranger,"  who,  they  said,  had  come  to 
their  house  at  midnight,  and  committed  the  awful  deed. 

In  detective  work  one  must  not  despise  small  things. 
They  may  be  straws,  but  they  serve  to  show  the  course  of 
the  current. 

From  some  of  John  Hotchkick's  neighbors,  especially 
women,  I  learned  many  incidents  in  connection  with  his 
past  life  that  ordinarily  would  be  regarded  as  too  insignifi 
cant  to  merit  a  moment's  consideration,  but  which,  to  my 
mind,  were  more  or  less  valuable  in  application  to  the  case 
on  which  I  was  at  work. 

John  Hotchkick  and  his  wife  lived  in  a  small  way  on  a 
small  farm,  in  a  small  town.  When  we  have  said  John 
Hotchkick  and  his  wife  we  have  included  the  whole  tribe. 

Hotchkick  himself  was  a  remnant  of  a  particular  family, 


AN   AMBITION   GRATIFIED.  341 

of  whom  heaven  and  earth  had  had  enough.  Like  other 
remnants,  he  was  held  at  a  discount,  and  it  is  quite  possible 
that  in  a  wholesale  transaction  Providence  might  have 
thrown  him  in,  thereby  saving  the  trouble  of  invoicing  him. 

As  for  Mrs.  Hotchkick,  there  is  some  evidence  of  design 
in  her  creation,  for,  rixatrix  that  she  was,  she  seemed  to 
have  been  made  on  purpose  for  Hotchkick. 

If  it  be  true  that"  misery  loves  company,"  there  was  more 
solid  love  in  that  match  than  could  be  found  in  a  whole 
Mormon  city.  Cupid's  benevolence  is  quite  apparent,  for, 
had  the  man  married  some  other  woman,  and  had  the 
woman  married  some  other  man,  there  would  have  been 
four  persons  wretched,  instead  of  two. 

They  were  physically  incapacitated  for  any  such  ceremony 
as  kissing. 

John's  lips  were  so  thin  he  could  not  even  whistle  to  a 
dog.  For  the  same  reason,  Mrs.  John  could  not  sip  her  tea, 
but  was  obliged  to  swallow  it  whole.  So  when  we  think  of 
the  dog  and  think  of  the  tea,  we  are  forced  to  acknowledge 
it  was  a  fortunate  circumstance  that  the  Hotchkick  tribe 
did  not  increase.  An  unkissed  child  would  either  die  or 
live  to  curse  his  existence. 

Seventeen  years  before  my  visit  to  the  family,  on  a  certain 
November  morning,  this  narrow-gauged  couple  locked  up 
their  house,  and  went  to  Boston  to  do  a  little  shopping,  and 
this  is  what  occurred  to  them  on  their  way  home  late  at 
night : 

"  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Hotchkick.  "  Our 
house  is  all  afire !  Hurry  !  We  shall  lose  everything ! " 

The  man  muttered  some  uncouth  reply,  and  began  im 
mediately  to  administer  a  quick  succession  of  blows  to  his 
horse  with  the  remnant  of  a  birch  rod ;  but  the  brute,  not 


342  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

being  easily  excited,  utterly  failed  to  realize  for  some  min 
utes  that  any  extra  effort  was  required.  Whipping,  with 
him,  had  become  monotonous.  If  he  ever  thought  on  the 
subject,  it  was  to  the  effect  that  the  laying  on  of  a  switch  is  a 
sort  of  ceremony  as  completely  inexplicable  as  many  another 
which  is  practiced  by  the  human  race.  That  particular 
portion  of  his  hide  which  received  the  blows  was  so  accus 
tomed  to  them  that  it  had  become  about  as  nerveless  as  his 
master's  conscience. 

"Hit  him  in  a  new  spot,"  cried  Mrs.  Hotchkick.  "  Quick! 
hurry !  " 

In  the  excitement  of  the  moment,  the  man  who  wielded  the 
rod  followed  the  counsel  of  his  wife,  and  adopted  an  expe 
dient  which  took  effect.  Leaning  half  his  length  out  of  the 
wagon,  he  struck  the  horse  a  cutting  blow  beneath  the  flank. 
He  would  have  struck  another,  but  there  was  no  time.  The 
horse  was  evidently  hurt  in  his  feelings.  He  was  touched 
to  the  quick,  and  quick  work  he  did. 

John  Hotchkick  escaped  uninjured,  for  the  horse,  who 
had  little  foresight  and  no  hindsight,  and  consequently  shot 
without  taking  aim,  struck  completely  under  the  man ;  which 
was  very  unfortunate,  for  the  equine  brute,  as,  by  missing 
Hotchkick,  hurt  himself  by  coming  in  contact  with  some 
thing  far  less  soft.  By  this  time,  he  seemed  to  think  some 
body  had  struck  him  on  his  two  hoofs,  and  he  determined 
to  clear  the  ground  of  all  opposition.  Having  demolished 
the  dashboard,  he  operated  on  a  jug  of  molasses ;  then  with 
his  horse-hand  he  took  out  from  a  bandbox  Mrs.  Hotchkick's 
new  winter  bonnet.  So  much  accomplished,  he  prospected 
around  in  the  dark,  till  he  felt  a  tin  can,  which  he  proceeded 
to  open  with  his  iron  shoe.  This  time  he  must  have  succeeded 
beyond  his  fondest  anticipations,  for  he  "  struck  ile,"  as  poor 


AN   AMBITION   GRATIFIED.  843 

Mrs.    Hotchkick   very    soon   realized,  being   as   completely 
soaked  with  it  as  though  she  had  been  a  lampwick. 

"Git  up!  Git  up!"  yelled  Hotchkick,  and  all  the  while 
the  beast  was  "gitting  up"  just  as  high  as  he  possibly  could. 
After  a  while  he  changed  ends,  and  stood  on  his  hind  feet 
looking  at  the  stars,  as  though  he  would  calculate  the  points 
of  compass.  Then  he  made  a  lurch  to  one  side,  and  dumped 
the  carriage  into  a  ditch,  reserving  the  two  forward  wheels 
for  himself,  and  took  them  away  with  him  as  he  withdrew 
from  the  scene. 

Hotchkick  arose  as  quickly  as  he  could,  and  began  to 
hallo, "Whoa!  whoa!"  but  the  horse  must  have  understood 
him  to  say,  "  Go !  go !  "  for  he  went. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick  crawled  out  from  the  debris,  declared  she 
was  dead,  and  began  to  look  after  the  "things,"  some  of 
which  were  in  the  wagon  wreck,  and  others  in  different 
directions  several  yards  away. 

"Come!  come!"  cried  Hotchkick,  "let's  see  what's  the 
matter  with  the  house.  Every  winder 's  ablaze,  and  we  've 
lost  everything." 

The  twain  started  on  a  trot,  forgetting  their  bruises,  but 
were  soon  out  of  breath,  in  spite  of  their  excitement. 

"I  can't  run  another  step,"  said  Hotchkick,  "and  I  don't 
think  the  house  is  afire,  any  way.  Don't  you  see  it's  jest  a 
stiddy  light,  as  though  every  lamp  an'  candle  we  've  got  was 
a  burnin'  ? " 

"  What  can  it  be  ? "  exclaimed  the  panting  and  fainting 
woman.  "Had  n't  I  better  go  back  and  take  care  of  the 
things  whileyou  go  on  ?  I'm  that  sore  I  can't  hardly  stan'.  " 

"No,"  said  Hotchkick,  "you  come  with  me.    I  may  need 
your  help.     P'raps  it 's  robbers." 
21 


344  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  0  John,  I  can't,  I  can't !  I  jest  b'lieve  ev'ry  bone  in 
my  body  is  broke.  Don't  let 's  go  nigh  'em." 

"  Come  on,  I  say,"  was  the  man's  gruff  reply ;  and  they 
went  on  quarreling. 

Reaching  the  house,  they  found  it  extravagantly  illumin 
ated  with  blazing  lamps  and  candles. 

"  Our  own  candles !  "  exclaimed  Mrs.  Hotchkick. 

"  And  our  own  lamps !  "  added  her  husband,  with  an  oath. 

They  continued  cautiously  to  explore  the  house,  but  found 
nothing  startling  until  the  bedroom  was  reached. 

"I'll  be  blasted,"  cried  Hotchkick,  scarcely  above  a  whis 
per,  "  if  here  haint  a  roarin'  fire  right  here  in  this  ere  fire 
place,  where  there  never  was  one  afore." 

"  And  what 's  this  ere  thing  on  the  bed  ? "  gasped  Mrs. 
Hotchkick.  "  Oh !  oh !  oh !  It  moves.  I  seen  it  move." 

"  Hush  up,  you  goose." 

"  0  John,  don't  touch  it,  or  mebbe  it'll  go  off." 

But  by  this  time,  John  had  pulled  a  little  blanket  from 
the  strange  object,  and  there,  in  all  its  sweetness  and  inno 
cence,  was  revealed  a  sleeping  child. 

"  Somebody's  pesky  young  one,"  croaked  the  man. 

"  Sure  'nough,  John.  And  this  ere  fire  was  made  to  keep 
it  warm.  It 's  what  they  call  a  waif." 

"  Hum !  a  pretty  mess  we  're  in,  with  this  imp  to  take 
care  on.  An'  we  shall  find  something  missin'  yet ;  for  who 
ever  left  that  thing  here  want  one  of  the  sort  to  go  away 
empty-handed.  Turn  down  the  lamps,  and  blow  out  the 
candles.  There 's  no  use  squanderin'  what  little  we  've  got 
left." 

This  loud  talk  had  the  effect  to  awake  the  babe,  who  now 
began  to  exercise  a  very  vigorous  pair  of  lungs.  It  was  left 
to  cry,  however,  while  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Hotchkick  continued  to 


AN   AMBITION   GRATIFIED.  345 

search  the  house  until  they  were  fully  satisfied  that  nothing 
had  been  taken  away. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick's  bravery  began  to  revive.  "  Come,  John," 
she  said,  "  there  aint  no  time  to  waste.  We  must  see  whar 
the  hoss  is,  then  go  back  after  the  wagon  and  the  things. 
There  is  the  vinegar  an'  the  sugar,  an'  your  hat  an'  my  bon 
net,  an'  the  calico,  an'  the  molasses,  an'  the  rum,  an'  the 
nutmegs  all  scattered  about,  an'  they  must  be  brought  home 
this  very  night,  even  if  we  don't  sleep  a  wink.  Besides, 
we've  got  to  decide  what 's  to  be  done  with  this  nuisance  of 
a  young  one.  It  must  be  got  away  as  soon  as  possible,  for 
it  might  up  an'  die,  an'  then  we'  d  have  to  pay  for  its 
funeral." 

"  It 's  a  healthy  looking  boy,"  suggested  Hotchkick. 

"Healthy,  of  course,"  replied  the  woman.  "Anybody 
can  tell  that,  by  the  way  he  screams.  But  look  at  here. 
What's  this,  tied  up  in  a  handkerchief,  an'  as  heavy  as  lead? 
Bless  my  stars,  if  it  aint  money !  Gold  pieces,  an'  ten  of 
them,  as  sure 's  I  live !  " 

Hotchkick  took  each  shining  eagle  in  his  hand,  scrutin 
ized  it  carefully,  smelt  it,  tasted  it,  and  then  rung  it  on  the 
table  until  he  was  fully  satisfied  that  all  the  coins  were  gen 
uine.  Then  he  carefully  hid  them  away  in  an  old  bureau 
drawer,  which  he  locked  with  a  key,  and  then  hid  the  key  in 
another  drawer. 

"Whatever  becomes  of  the  brat,"  said  he,  "this  ere 
money  belongs  to  me ;  for  it  was  all  his  fault  that  we  had 
the  accident  with  the  hoss,  and  smashed  our  best  wagon  all 
to  pieces." 

"  Of  course,"  replied  the  wife,  "  the  money  is  ours ;  an*  we 
wont  say  nothin'  to  nobody  'bout  it.  What  suppose — but 
here 's  somethin'  pinned  to  its  sleeve  with  writin'  on  it." 


846  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Although  the  note  was  excellently  written,  it  took  Hotch- 
kick  and  his  wife  a  long  time,  and  required  the  most  vigor 
ous  cudgeling  of  their  brains  to  spell  it  out.  Finally,  how 
ever,  they  succeeded  in  reading,  as  follows : 

' '  DEAR  FRIENDS  :  With  all  the  anxious  solicitation  and  heart-rend 
ing  prayer  of  an  unfortunate  mother,  this  precious  child  is  left  in  your 
possession,  to  have  and  to  govern  as  your  wisdom  shall  dictate. 

"As  a  mother,  I  part  with  him  reluctantly,  and  regret  that  his  ille 
gitimate  birth  must  forever  be  a  burden  and  disgrace  for  which  he  is 
in  no  wise  responsible.  His  false-hearted  father  has  lately  died  of 
drunkenness. 

"I  leave  with  you  all  the  money  I  have  in  the  world,  the  sum  of  one 
hundred  dollars,  which  you  will  expend  in  caring  for  the  child  as  he 
shall  need. 

"  By  the  time  he  is  old  enough  to  know  anything  he  will  be  as  moth 
erless  as  he  is  now  fatherless ;  for  I  go  my  way  to  the  sinful  city  to 
to  spend  a  few  brief  months,  and  there  to  die, 

"A  SORROWFUL  WOMAN. 

"  P.  S. — The  boy  is  named  after  his  father,  Pelegon  Jinny,  ana  he 
was  two  years  old  the  twentieth  of  last  August.  As  he  has  inherited  a 
naturally  vigorous  constitution,  and  will  of  course  never  aspire  to  be 
anything  more  than  a  common  laborer,  he  will,  undoubtedly,  grow  to 
be  of  great  service  to  you. " 

"  Aha ! "  exclaimed  Hotchkick,  laying  down  the  paper. 
"I  guess  we  can't  do  better  'n  to  keep  him;  for,  you  see,  in 
a  few  years  he  will  make  us  a  first-rate  chore  boy,  an'  by 
the  time  he 's  twelve  or  fourteen  he  can  do  a  man's  work  on 
the  farm.  We  must  remember  we  are  goin'  to  git  old,  an' 
the  time  may  come  when  he  can  carry  on  our  place,  an'  be  a 
sort  o'  son  to  us.  I  don't  b'lieve  we  shall  have  any  trouble 
with  him,  'cause  if  he  should  ever  git  to  be  stuck  up,  we  've 
only  jest  to  remind  him  of  his  birth,  an'  that  will  alwus 
keep  him  down  where  he  b'longs.  Hush  him  up,  wife. 
Don't  you  see  he  is  screaming  his  strength  all  away  ?  He 


AN    AMBITION    GRATIFIED.  347 

could  drive  the  cows  to  pastur'  now  if  his  shanks  were  half 
as  strong  as  his  yelps." 

Thus  it  was  decided  that  the  ill-fated  waif  should  become 
one  of  the  family. 

At  midnight  the  broken  wagon  and  the  "things"  had  all 
been  brought  home,  Mrs.  Hotchkick  had  taken  an  inventory 
of  them  a  dozen  times,  the  baby  had  received  a  drink  of  fresh 
milk  from  the  "newest"  cow,  and,  as  a  climax  to  the  day's 
excitement,  there  was  a  great  racket  in  the  barn,  in  which 
one  might  have  distinguished  the  sounds  of  heavy  blows, 
prancing  hoofs,  and  profane  cursing.  It  was  John  Hotch 
kick  most  unmercifully  beating  poor  old  Bill  with  the  rem 
nant  of  a  hoe-handle. 

In  another  hour,  Hotchkick  and  his  wife  slept. 

The  weary  horse,  with  aching  limbs  and  quivering  flesh, 
did  not  lie  down  at  all,  but  stood  and  suffered,  and  thought, 
perhaps — of  what  ? 

The  babe  moaned  on  its  pillow,  while  the  rain  began  pat 
tering  on  the  roof,  as  though  Heaven  wept;  and  the  wind 
was  freighted  only  with  suggestions  of  deep  sadness,  as  it 
came  in  fitful  gusts  against  the  windows  of  the  room  where 
the  child  half  slept,  half  feared,  and  half  wished,  perhaps,  it 
had  never  been  born. 

Meanwhile,  in  another  house,  not  far  away,  a  clergyman 
was  vainly  courting  "  tired  Nature's  sweet  restorer."  Had 
his  thoughts  found  utterance,  his  invalid  wife  would  have 
been  surprised  to  hear  him  say,  "  I  hope  they  will  keep  the 
child.  It  was  my  advice  that  gave  them  the  money,  and 
after  this  they  must  pay  more  pew  rent." 


CHAPTER  II. 

I  DO  SOME  GOOD. 

SO  Pelegon  Jinny  was  nearly  out  of  his  teens  at  the  time 
I  visited  John  Hotchkick  and  wife,  asking  them  if 
they  would  take  me  to  board  for  a  while. 

As  they  were  greedy  for  the  money  I  offered,  I  had  no 
difficulty  in  effecting  the  arrangement. 

I  soon  discovered  that  I  had  not  been  misinformed  as  to 
the  character  of  my  host  and  hostess.  They  were  possessed 
of  all  that  meanness  of  nature  which  is  the  natural  result  of 
having  inherited  from  several  generations  the  habitual  prac 
tice  of  rigid  economy.  However  much  moral  or  political 
reformers  may  deplore  extravagance,  the  fact  remains,  that 
constantly  studied  economy  is  a  virtue  only  when  a  neces 
sity,  while  the  necessity  itself,  if  long  continued,  is  an 
unmitigated  curse. 

During  the  winter  in  my  strange  boarding-place,  Pelegon 
was  my  most  congenial  companion,  for  I  found  him  endowed 
with  excellent  qualities  of  mind  and  heart.  There  was 
about  him,  however,  a  painful  lack  of  development,  which 
was  quite  to  be  expected,  considering  the  tyrannical  bring 
ing  up  to  which  he  had  been  subjected  during  the  most  of 
his  years.  First  from  sympathy  and  pity,  then  from  a  high 
sense  of  appreciation,  I  grew  to  love  him  almost  as  I  would 
if  he  had  been  my  own  boy. 

(348) 


I   DO   SOME   GOOD.  349 

An  incident  will  best  illustrate  the  respective  characters 
of  all  the  parties  concerned. 

Spring  had  come — so  the  almanac  said — and  the  ice  in 
Concord  river  had  just  started  seaward,  when,  one  day? 
Hotchkick  and  Pelegon  went  to  the  banks  of  the  river  to 
gather  fire-wood. 

A  large  tree  had  succumbed  to  a  recent  storm,  and  now 
lay  sprawling  in  the  water.  Hotchkick  looked  longingly 
upon  it,  and  at  last  resolved  to  walk  out  as  far  as  he  could 
among  the  branches,  and  cut  them  off.  For  a  time  he  was 
quite  successful  in  his  undertaking,  and  had  secured  at  least 
half  a  cord  of  wood,  when  his  foot  slipped,  and  he  fell  off 
into  deep  water.  As  he  had  never  possessed  sufficient 
enterprise  to  acquire  the  art  of  swimming,  he  found  himself 
contending  against  an  element  with  whose  friendly  acquain 
tance  he  had  never  honored  himself. 

Instinctively,  he  caught  at  a  limb  of  the  tree ;  but  as  it 
was  one  he  had  just  cut  off,  the  next  instant  both  he  and 
the  limb  were  wildly  afloat.  Then  he  let  go  of  the  branch 
and  tried  to  strike  bottom  with  his  feet,  thinking  he  could 
hold  his  breath  and  walk  to  the  shore  under  water.  Unluck 
ily,  this  was  a  feat  which  his  feet  refused  to  perform,  and  he 
immediately  changed  about  and  threw  his  toes  into  the  air, 
as  though  they  could  do  his  breathing. 

Not  being  able  to  walk  on  his  head,  he  resorted  to  another 
experiment.  Squirming  around,  he  threw  up  his  hands  and 
tried  to  take  hold  of  something  above  him ;  but  as  the  near 
est  object  in  that  direction  was  the  sky,  he  was  not  likely  to 
reach  it  until  after  giving  his  last  kick. 

Just  at  this  instant  Pelegon,  who  had  heard  the  splash 
while  engaged  in  felling  a  tree  some  distance  away,  left  his 
work,  threw  off  his  coat  and  boots,  and  plunged  into  the  icy 


350  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

water.  A  moment  after,  he  seized  the  drowning  man  by  the 
hair,  and  drew  him  ashore. 

It  was  some  time  before  Hotchkick,  half  dead  with  fright 
and  cold,  was  able  to  speak ;  but  no  sooner  had  he  recovered 
his  voice  than  he  began  to  curse  the  boy  for  not  having 
pulled  him  out  with  less  delay,  and  especially  for  stopping 
to  take  off  his  coat  and  boots  before  jumping  into  the  water. 

Pelegon  tried  to  explain  that,  as  he  was  only  a  poor  swim 
mer,  he  could  not  have  made  headway  with  so  many  clothes 
on;  but  the  enraged  man  would  not  listen  to  reason,  and,  at 
this  moment  happening  to  discover  that  he  was  bare-headed, 
his  wrath  broke  out  afresh. 

"Where  is  my  hat? "he  demanded  of  Pelegon.  "You 
stupid !  there  it  is,  way  out  in  the  water,  floating  down  the 
river.  Jump  in  an'  git  it !  Jump  in,  I  say,  this  instant !  " 

Pelegon,  having  always  been  ruled  in  this  tyrannical 
manner,  had  no  disposition  to  disobey.  So,  without  wait 
ing  either  to  plead  or  object,  he  plunged  into  the  water,  and 
struck  out  bravely  toward  the  hat,  which,  by  this  time,  had 
been  carried  by  the  wind  a  considerable  distance  from  the 
shore.  His  limbs  soon  began  to  grow  numb,  so  cold  was 
the  water,  "while  the  garments  he  had  on  retarded  his  move" 
ments  and  weighed  him  heavily  down.  However,  he  secured 
the  hat,  and  was  on  his  way  shoreward,  almost  overpowered 
with  chill  and  fatigue,  when  his  legs  were  suddenly  seized 
with  cramp,  and  he  could  make  no  further  progress.  For 
a  moment  he  struggled  with  his  arms,  and  then  sank  below 
the  surface.  His  lungs  craved  air,  but,  in  the  effort  to 
obtain  it,  they  received  nothing  but  water;  and,  in  trying 
to  cough  this  out,  he  again  attempted  to  inhale,  and  thus  his 
body  became  filled  with  the  cold  and  heavy  fluid.  In  a 
short  space  of  time,  he  passed  through  all  the  agonies  of 


I   DO   SOME  GOOD.  851 

death  into  that  condition  of  perfect  calm  just  preceding  the 
complete  separation  of  body  and  soul. 

Hotchkick,  little  affected  save  by  his  own  discomfort, 
turned  toward  home,  grumbling  as  he  went: 

"  Well,  that 's  the  last  of  him,  an'  my  hat's  gone,  an'  he 
haint  never  paid  for  his  bringin'  up." 

"  What's  the  trouble  ?  "  I  demanded,  just  issuing  from  a 
clump  of  elders  which  fringed  a  portion  of  the  bank,  for  I 
had  fortuitously  selected  that  neighborhood  for  a  ramble. 

"I  am  nearly  dead,"  muttered  Hotchkick,  "an'  Pelegon  's 
drowned." 

"When?" 

"  Only  a  moment  ago." 

"Where?"  I  demanded. 

Hotchkick  pointed  in  the  direction  in  which  the  boy  had 
been  last  seen. 

I  was  almost  overwhelmed  with  agony.  Having  never 
learned  to  swim,  it  was  useless  for  me  to  think  of  trying  it 
now.  I  looked  anxiously  in  every  direction.  Not  a  soul 
was  in  sight.  Only  two  houses.  One  was  Hotchkick's. 
No  help  there.  The  other  belonged  to  an  Irish  widow  with 
two  children.  No  help  there.  I  wrung  my  hands  and 
shouted.  My  voice  came  back  all  dead  and  lay  itself  down 
with  my  dying  hope.  Then  I  started  and  ran  along  the 
river-side,  determined  to  continue  till  somebody  could  be 
found.  Beholding  a  little  skiff  high  and  dry  on  the  bank, 
my  hope  revived.  I  seized  the  boat,  and  began  dragging  it 
toward  the  water.  It  went  the  length  of  an  iron  chain  and 
then  stopped,  being  locked  to  a  tree.  Besides,  the  oars  had 
been  taken  away.  Hope  died.  There  was  an  open  tin  can 
in  the  boat,  and  in  this  was  a  strong  line  and  a  large  fish 
hook,  used  for  catching  pickerel. 


352  MY  WIPE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  A  pole !  "  cried  I.  In  another  instant  I  had  found  one, 
and  began  tying  the  line  to  it,  while  I  almost  flew  along  the 
shore,  till  I  reached  the  place  opposite  where  Pelegon  had 
gone  down.  Then  I  waded  into  the  river  waist  deep,  and 
throwing  the  line,  with  hook  and  weight  attached,  could 
scarcely  give  it  time  to  sink  before  drawing  it  rapidly  toward 
me,  only  to  be  disappointed.  A  little  further  down  stream 
I  threw  the  line  again.  No  success. 

Still  further  downward.     In  vain. 

Yet  further  down  the  current.  The  hook  caught  some 
thing.  I  pulled  with  all  possible  steadiness  and  swiftness. 

My  purpose  was  accomplished.  The  hook,  being  well 
secured  in  the  boy's  clothing,  I  was  enabled  to  draw  him 
from  the  water. 

If  appearances  were  trustworthy,  Pelegon  was  dead. 
Hotchkick  declared  that  "  it  aint  nothin'  but  folly  to  try  to 
save  him."  I  feared  the  worst,  but  was  determined  to  leave 
nothing  untried,  for  I  was  not  ignorant  of  what  should  be  done 
in  such  cases.  After  taking  off  my  coat  and  throwing  it  over 
the  cold  form  of  my  cherished  young  friend,  I  seized  the  body 
and  hurriedly  carried  it,  face  downward,  with  the  head  gently 
raised,  to  a  hovel  close  by. 

The  woman  who  lived  there  was  so  frightened  that  all  her 
wits  went  wool-gathering,  and  for  the  first  minute  she  could 
do  nothing  but  hold  up  her  hands  in  horror  and  try  to  keep 
from  fainting.  Meanwhile  Hotchkick  dispatched  her  two 
children  to  tell  Mrs.  Hotchkick  to  come  over  right  away  and 
help  take  care  of — himself ',  for  he  was  wet  and  cold. 

I  suffered  not  a  second  to  be  wasted,  but  immediately 
stripped  the  body  of  my  unconscious  charge,  and  wrapped  it 
in  several  sheets,  which  I  kept  constantly  saturated  with  hot 
water.  Not  until  the  blood  was  thus  heated  did  I  endeavor 


I   DO   SOME   GOOD.  353    - 

by  friction  to  reestablish  circulation.  At  the  proper  mo 
ment,  I  began  vigorously  rubbing  toward  the  heart,  in  order 
that  it  might  be  supplied  with  venous  blood.  Meanwhile,  I 
rolled  the  body  gently  from  face  to  side,  to  and  fro,  hoping 
thereby  to  set  the  respiratory  organs  in  motion. 

Still  no  sign  of  life.  Still  I  persisted.  Now  it  was  bot 
tles  of  hot  water  applied  to  the  extremities,  arm-pits,  and 
spine,  and  now  a  gentle  lifting  forward  of  the  body,  with 
the  face  still  downward.  Everything  appeared  hopeless, 
when  Mrs.  Hotchkick  suddenly  rushed  into  the  room.  "  Give 
him  to  me  !  "  she  exclaimed  boisterously.  "If  anybody  can 
bring  him  to,  I  can.  I  know  all  about  it.  Stand  back, 
here !  Stand  back  ! " 

This  seemed  to  give  the  other  woman  courage,  and  she, 
too,  cried  out,  "  Stand  back !  "  And  then,  happening  to 
think  of  something  she  had  once  heard  her  Dublin  grand 
mother  say  about  salt,  she  continued,  "Och,  Missus  Hotch- 
keeck,  what  ye  want  is  coorse  salt.  Rub  the  body  wid  it  as 
hard  as  iver  ye  con.  Here,  take  the  salt,  quick !  " 

"No,  I  won't  have  the  salt,"  replied  Mrs.  Hotchkick,  in 
piercing  tones.  "  He  must  be  rolled  on  a  bar'l.  A  pretty 
set  you  all  be,  that  you  haint  got  a  bar'l  afore  this.  Hurry, 
now,  and  bring  a  bar'l  right  away." 

The  two  small  children  were  instantly  sent  to  the  barn  to 
fetch  the  barrel.  When  it  came,  Mrs.  Hotchkick  placed  it 
in  the  middle  of  the  floor,  then  went  to  the  feet  of  the  pros 
trate  form,  and  ordered  me  to  take  hold  of  the  head. 

"  Stand  away !  "  I  exclaimed.  "  I  have  charge  of  this 
case  myself,  and  you  must  obey  my  orders.  Bring  the  hand- 
bellows.  Hurry ! " 

"Did  he  say  salt?"  asked  the  mistress  of  the  house. 

The  bellows  were  soon  brought,  when  I  put  the  pipe  into 


354  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

one  of  the  patient's  nostrils,  carefully  closing  the  other  and 
the  mouth,  and  then  blew  the  bellows  lightly  in  order  to 
inflate  the  lungs.  As  soon  as  the  breast  was  raised  a  little, 
I  set  the  nostrils  and  mouth  free,  and  pressed  gently  on  the 
chest.  This  process  was  several  times  repeated,  during 
which  one  woman  talked  incessantly  of  the  virtue  of  "  coorse 
salt,  by  the  howly  saints,"  while  the  other  told  of  a 
"  drowndcd  man  I  once  hearn  tell  on  that  was  saved  by 
rollin'  on  a  bar'l." 

All  the  while,  John  Hotchkick  stood  by  and  did  nothing 
but  grumble  about  the  "  tarnation  torn-foolery  of  tryin'  to 
bring  a  boy  to  life  what's  already  dead 's  a  door-nail,  while 
I  can't  have  even  a  dry  shirt." 

Finally  the  chest  of  Pelegon  slightly  heaved  of  its  own 
accord;  his  lips  moved,  and  his  eyes  partially  opened. 

Everybody  was  surprised.  But  I  still  continued  to  work 
over  the  prostrate  form. 

"  I  should  think  somebody  might  do  somethin'  fur  me  ! " 
exclaimed  John  Hotchkick.  "  Haint  I  ben  in  the  water  as 
well 's  that  boy  ?  And  haint  I  caught  my  death's  cold  ? 
Pelegon,"  he  continued,  turning  abruptly  toward  the  patient, 
who,  at  this  instant,  was  enduring  that  terrible  torture 
which  only  those  who  have  been  thus  rescued  from  the 
greedy  grasp  of  death  can  realize.  "  Pelegon,  I  say,  if 
you  'd  had  sense  enough  to  've  got  my  hat  when  you  got  me, 
you  'd  saved  us  this  fuss." 

This  remark  was  a  hot  coal  which  set  on  fire  my  whole 
nature.  For  the  first  time  in  my  life,  I  was  absolutely  and 
irrepressibly  filled  with  wrath.  It  is  not  a  pleasant  thing  to 
record,  but  the  painful  truth  must  be  told.  Then  and  there 
I  lost  control  of  my  will,  and  gave  myself  up  to  a  passion  of 
which  no  one  would  have  supposed  me  capable. 


I   DO   SOME  GOOD.  355 

"Hotclikick,"  cried  I,  "you  are  the  meanest  man  in  the 
world!" 

"  I'll  knock  that  insult  down  your  throat,"  retorted  Hotch- 
kick,  emphasizing  the  threat  with  a  horrid  oath,  and  at  the 
same  time  raising  his  fist  to  strike  me. 

My  indignation  could  not  wait.  I  gave  John  Hotchkick  a 
stinging  blow  on  the  right  ear,  and  another  on  the  left.  I 
knocked  him  square  in  the  face,  hit  him  between  the  eyes, 
on  the  nose,  and  under  the  chin. 

The  more  thumps  I  administered,  the  more  spiteful  I 
became ;  and  all  the  black  and  blue  spots  which  covered  his 
body  were  beginning  to  merge  into  one  spot,  although  even 
that  could  not  well  be  seen,  so  fast  did  he  spin  around  and 
pirouette  about,  at  one  moment  ricocheting  on  the  sharp 
angle  of  a  table,  and  at  the  next  bringing  up  against  the 
hot  stove.  There  was,  indeed,  real  danger  of  my  killing 
the  man  outright ;  but,  happily,  the  fates  ordered  otherwise. 

Pelegon  watched  the  tragic  performance  with  considera 
ble  interest,  and  finally  looked  at  me  pleadingly,  and,  in  a 
slow,  weak  voice,  said : 

"  Don't,  don't !    He  won't  catch  cold  now." 

It  was  an  exciting  time.  Both  of  the  women  were 
screaming  at  the  top  of  their  voices,  the  one  having  forgotten 
"  coorse  salt,  by  the  howly  saints,"  and  the  other  that  there 
"  haint  nothin'  like  rollin'  on  a  bar'l." 

At  last,  the  whipped  man  began  to  beg  for  mercy  like  a 
child. 

I  cannot  justify  myself  in  this  exercise  of  corporal  punish 
ment.  Still, 

"Diseases  desperate  grown, 

By  desperate  appliances  are  relieved, 
Or  not  at  all." 


356  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

All  things  have  an  end.  So  did  the  scourging  of  Hotch- 
kick. 

Shortly  after,  I  had  Pelegon  removed  to  Mr.  "Wordswell's, 
where  I  engaged  a  pleasant  suite  of  rooms  for  both  of  us. 

Mr.  Wordswell  and  his  wife  were  the  wealthiest,  most 
cultured,  as  well  as  the  most  lovable  persons  with  whom  I 
was  acquainted  in  that  neighborhood. 

Their  only  child,  Ozelia,  a  beautiful  girl  of  eighteen  sum 
mers,  was  now  at  home  on  a  few  weeks'  vacation,  she  being 
a  member  of  a  young  ladies'  boarding-school  near  Boston. 

She  and  Pelegon  had  grown  to  be  fast  friends.  They 
had  been  together  in  all  their  studies  while  both  attended 
the  Swampton  school,  and  had  come  to  experience  a  delight 
in  each  other's  company  which  neither  could  find  elsewhere. 
And  now  she  faithfully  administered  to  the  poor  boy  during 
his  sickness ! 

As  for  myself,  I  found  the  change  of  boarding-place  very 
agreeable.  I  had  no  occasion  to  remain  longer  at  the  Hotch- 
kicks',  having  learned  all  that  I  could  from  them  in  refer 
ence  to  the  school-master. 

One  thing  I  had  noticed  from  the  first:  their  reticence 
when  that  painful  subject  was  broached.  As  they  were  not 
possessed  of  any  tender  sentiment,  I  was  left  to  form  the 
most  reasonable  conclusion  I  could  as  to  the  true  cause  of 
their  refusing  to  be  drawn  into  conversation  in  relation  to 
the  crime. 

Two  other  facts  had  considerable  weight  in  my  mind: 
first,  the  victim  to  the  terrible  deed  had  never  had  any  ene 
mies,  so  far  as  could  be  ascertained;  second,  he  had  no 
money  or  other  valuables,  that  could  furnish  temptation  to  a 
felon. 


CHAPTER  III. 

A  SCHEME. 

AS  soon  as  Pelegon  was  able  to  sit  up,  John  Hotchkick 
came  to  take  him  home.  The  old  fox  must  have 
watched  his  opportunity,  for  he  came  just  after  I  had  left 
the  house  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wordswell.  The  servant  was 
also  out;  so  the  only  inmates  were  Ozelia  and  her  patient. 

Had  I  mistrusted  that  such  a  danger  was  probable,  I 
would  as  soon  have  thought  of  sacrificing  a  right  arm  as 
of  leaving  my  two  young  friends  to  the  mercy  of  the  vio 
lent-tempered  reprobate. 

Auspiciously,  they  saw  him  approaching,  and  were  in 
time  to  fasten  the  door. 

Without  stopping  to  knock,  lie  attempted  to  enter.  Baf 
fled  at  the  front,  he  hastened  around  the  house,  hoping  to 
be  successful  there.  Ozelia,  however,  was  too  quick  for 
him,  and  again  his  way  was  barred.  But  being  endowed 
with  brutal  persistency,  knowing  he  had  no  immediate  foe 
to  fear,  with  feline  slyness  he  crawled  down  an  outer  stair 
way  into  the  cellar.  Thence  he  had  no  difficulty  in  finding 
his  way  through  the  kitchen  into  that  part  of  the  house 
occupied  by  the  frightened  girl  and  convalescent  boy. 

"  Git  on  your  hat,  an'  come  along  with  me,  this  instant ! " 
he  demanded  of  Pelegon,  in  cruel  tones. 

"  Oh,  he  cannot ! "  pleaded  Ozelia.  "  Please  do  not  take 

(357) 


3C8  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

him.  He  is  scarcely  able  to  stand,  and  has  not  eaten  any 
thing  since  the  accident  except  the  lightest  nourishment." 

"  What  you  got  to  say  'bout  him  ?  "  ejaculated  the  uncouth 
farmer.  "  He 's  my  boy — leastways,  ontil  he 's  paid  fur  his 
bringin'  up.  Git  out  o'  my  way  ! " 

"I  shall  not  get  out  of  your  way,"  answered  Ozelia,  her 
whole  spirit  roused.  "  You  will  not  take  Pelegon  from  this 
house  without  taking  me  also." 

"  Look  er  here,  gal,  you'll  git  hurt,  if  you  interfere  with 
me.  I'm  after  my  rights,  an'  I'll  have  them,  no  matter 
what  happens." 

Saying  which,  he  seized  Pelegon  by  the  arm,  and  began 
dragging  him  toward  the  door. 

In  an  instant,  Ozelia  was  endowed  with  all  the  heroism  of 
fully  developed  womanhood. 

To  hold  Pelegon  with  one  hand  and  keep  off  the  infuriated 
girl  with  the  other  gave  Hotchkick  all  he  could  attend  to. 
A  lively  scuffle  ensued.  Brute  force,  however,  was  too 
much,  even  for  the  best  that  could  be  done  by  the  young 
people,  and,  inch  by  inch,  they  were  drawn  toward  the 
cellar  stairs;  for  Hotchkick  wisely  concluded  that  he  had 
better  go  out  the  way  he  came  in,  thus  avoiding  bolted 
doors. 

On  the  stairway  occurred  the  chief  tug  of  conflict,  and  a 
very  dangerous  place  it  was,  for  a  fall  to  the  cellar-bottom 
might  have  crippled  a  person  for  life.  Undoubtedly,  it  was 
Ozelia's  intention  to  hold  Pelegon  back  and  push  Hotchkick 
forward.  So  nearly  was  she  successful  in  this  that  the 
farmer  was  just  on  the  point  of  falling  backward,  when  he 
loosened  his  hold  on  the  boy,  and  reached  up  to  take  hold  of 
something. 

Now   it  happened   that   overhead  was   a  wire  that  Mr. 


JOHN  HOTCHKICK  TIKI)  FAST  To  A  POST. 


A    SCHEME.  .  3G1 

Wordswell  used  in  experimenting  with  electric  lights,  and  it 
was  carrying  a  strong  current.  No  sooner  had  John  Hotch- 
kick  taken  hold  of  it  than  it  took  hold  of  him.  Almost  lit 
erally,  he  was  struck  by  lightning ;  but,  not  knowing  what 
was  the  matter,  he  grasped  the  wire  with  increased  firmness, 
until  his  hand  was  so  completely  paralyzed  that  he  was 
powerless  to  remove  it.  This  frightened  him  to  the  extent 
of  utterly  unstringing  his  nerves,  and  leaving  him  as  weak 
as  an  infant. 

Ozelia  soon  observed  the  peril  he  was  in ;  but  not  until 
she  had  bound  his  feet  together  with  a  rope,  and  tied  his 
dangling  arm  to  his  side,  did  she  sever  the  electric  wire 
with  a  hatchet,  and  let  the  poor  man  slide  down  stairs,  at 
the  imminent  risk  of  ruining  his  clothes. 

She  and  Pelcgon  then  bound  his  other  arm,  and  tied  him 
to  a  post,  so  that,  in  case  the  paralysis  should  leave  him,  he 
would  still  be  harmless. 

When  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wordswell  and  I  returned  from  our 
neighboring  visit,  and  saw  the  condition  which  the  house 
was  in,  we  were  astonished.  All  the  way  from  the  sick 
chamber  to  the  cellar-door  in  the  kitchen  there  were  pieces 
of  broken  furniture,  extracted  door-knobs,  torn  carpets,  and 
confusion  worse  confounded. 

Mrs.  "Wordswell  turned  white,  threw  up  her  hands,  then 
sat  down  on  a  three-legged  chair — a  part  of  the  common 
ruin — and  tumbled  to  the  floor. 

Mr.  Wordswell  remarked,  when  he  had  succeeded  in  prop 
erly  adjusting  his  wife : 

"  Well,  well !  This  house  must  have  been  struck  by  a 
cyclone ! " 

"  There  has  been  a  mad  bull  in  here,"  I  ventured  to  sug 
gest." 

22 


362  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Yes,"  said  Ozelia ;  "  and  if  you  will  come  down  cellar, 
you  shall  see  where  we  have  tied  him." 

I  followed  at  her  heels,  and  Mr.  Wordswell  followed  at 
mine,  while  his  wife  and  Pelegon  brought  up  the  rear. 

I  had  reason  to  believe  I  had  already  met  with  some  sur 
prises  in  my  life,  but  when  I  saw  John  Hotchkick,  bound 
hand  and  foot  and  tied  to  a  post,  all  other  surprises  were 
eclipsed. 

"  Somebody  will  suffer  for  this  afore  I'm  through  with 
'em ! "  he  groaned. 

"  You  will  not  be  very  dangerous,"  remarked  Ozelia,  "  so 
long  as  a  sick  boy  and  a  mere  school-girl  can  throw  you 
down  cellar,  and  tie  you  up  in  a  bundle." 

"  Did  you  do  this  ?  "  demanded  Mr.  Wordswell,  looking 
first  at  Pelegon,  then  at  his  daughter. 

"  Every  bit  of  it,"  answered  Ozelia.  "  He  came  up  through 
the  cellar  by  stealth,  and  undertook  to  carry  off  my  patient 
by  bluster  and  force.  By  taking  a  good  look  at  him,  you 
can  see  just  how  far  he  has  got  toward  accomplishing  his 
purpose." 

How  I  envied  that  noble  girl !  Her  father  drew  her  to 
his  breast,  and  fervently  kissed  her.  I  envied  him,  too. 

After  we  had  compelled  Hotchkick  to  take  an  oath  to 
keep  the  peace,  and  never  again  to  molest  Pelegon,  we 
allowed  him  to  betake  himself  to  his  own  habitation,  where 
he  could  give  such  account  of  himself  to  his  better,  or  worse, 
half,  as  his  unscrupulous  conscience  would  allow. 

It  was  not  long  before  Mr.  Wordswell  and  his  wife  began 
to  observe  that  the  two  children,  as  they  called  their  daugh 
ter  and  Pelegon,  were  exhibiting  much  more  than  ordinary 
fondness  for  each  other. 

"  We  must  not  allow  them  to  be  together  so  much,"  said 


A   SCHEME.  363 

Mr.  Wordswell,  "  and  I  shall  take  it  upon  myself  to  see  that 
Ozelia  is  cautioned." 

This  parental  interference  had  the  natural  effect  of  devel 
oping  in  the  two  young  persons  that  quality  of  love  which 
most  thrives  when  most  opposed,  until  it  becomes  more 
unconquerable  than  any  other  trait  in  human  nature. 
The  dormant  virtue  of  souls  is  never  fully  aroused  until 
Shall  and  Shall  Not  meet  face  to  face,  and  fight  like  gods. 

I  saw  into  the  hearts  of  my  young  friends,  but  I  com 
muned  only  with  myself  in  regard  to  the  subject.  Just  now 
I  was  greatly  interested  in  another  matter. 

It  might  have  been  a  month  after  Pelegon's  escape  from 
a  watery  grave  when  he  and  I  were  conversing  together  in 
the  library,  recalling  the  thrilling  incidents  of  the  rescue. 

"  I  want  to  tell  you,"  said  he,  "  something  that  appears 
very  strange.  While  I  was  in  the  river,  I  had  a  great  many 
curious  thoughts  and  sensations.  In  about  a  minute  I 
remembered  everything  I  had  ever  seen,  heard,  or  done." 

"  What  was  the  first  event  of  your  life  which  you  brought 
to  mind?"  I  asked. 

"That  is  the  very  thing  I  want  to  tell  you  about," 
answered  Pelegon,  "for  it  is  a  queer  circumstance.  I 
remembered  just  as  plainly  as  could  be  how  I  was  on  a  bed, 
and  saw  a  man  put  wood  on  a  hearth  and  build  a  fire.  I 
remembered  how  afraid  I  was,  and  how  I  cried  out,  and 
he  immediately  forced  something  into  my  mouth,  and  made 
me  swallow  it." 

"  Did  you  recall  how  the  man  looked  ?  " 

"Yes,  he  came  before  my  mind  just  as  natural  as  life. 
He  was  a  short,  thick-set  man,  dark-complexioned,  with 
snarly  black  hair  and  whiskers." 

"  Who  do  you  suppose  he  could  have  been  ?  "  inquired  I. 


364  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  I  am  almost  certain  he  was  the  man  who  first  brought 
me  to  father  Hotchkick's." 

"The  man.  I  have  been  told  it  was  a  woman — your 
mother." 

"  Yes ;  so  everybody  says,  but  nobody  saw  her.  I  have 
tried  to  remember  back  to  that  night  a  thousand  times,  and 
occasionally  have  had  just  a  second's  faint  recollection  of 
seeing  a  man  stand  over  me,  and  of  watching  him  through 
my  tears  as  he  built  the  fire  in  the  fire-place.  Then  when  I 
would  try  to  fix  the  incidents  more  clearly  in  my  mind  they 
would  all  melt  away." 

"  Have  you  never  met  the  man  since  the  time  you  lay  on 
the  bed  and  saw  him  build  the  fire  ?  "  I  asked. 

"  No ;  I  am  sure  I  have  not." 

"  Could  not  somebody  have  built  a  fire  in  your  bedroom 
when  you  were  older,  and  is  n't  that  what  you  recollect  ?  " 

"  No  ;  for  since  that  time  I  have  never  been  where  there 
was  a  bed  and  a  fire  in  the  same  room/' 

"  Do  you  think  you  should  know  that  strange  man  if  you 
were  to  see  him  again  ?  " 

"  Yes :  I  am  certain  of  it." 

"  He  must  have  made  a  deep  impression  on  your  childish 
mind,  and  it  only  needed  that  unfolding  of  the  mental 
record  which  generally  precedes  the  flight  of  a  soul,  to  bring 
his  features  again  before  you.  Perhaps  something  of  great 
importance  will  grow  out  of  this.  In  fact,  your  experience 
in  nearly  drowning  may  be  one  of  the  mysterious  ways  in 
which  Providence  is  moving  for  the  accomplishment  of  a 
purpose.  By  the  by,"  I  continued,  "  I  have  often  wished  I 
could  see  that  note  which,  as  I  have  been  told,  was  pinned 
to  your  dress  when  you  were  left  at  Hotchkick's.  Is  it  still 
in  existence  ?  " 


A   SCHEME.  365 

"Yes,  sir,"  replied  Pelegon.  "And  I  could  go  in  the 
night  and  get  it  for  you,  for  I  know  just  what  window  to 
crawl  into,  and  just  the  drawer  where  it  is  kept.  If  only 
you  will  come  along,  so  that  if  the  Hotchkicks  should  hap 
pen  to  get  after  me." 

"  Very  well,"  I  answered. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

MICE  IN  THE  PLOT. 

IT  was  a  cloudy,  moonless  night  when  Pelegon  carefully 
raised  a  back  window,  through  which  he  passed  into 
the  kitchen  of  the  Hotchkick  house,  while  I  waited  outside. 

Slowly  and  stealthily  the  boy  felt  his  way,  till  he  came  to 
the  sitting-room,  off  which  opened  the  bedroom  usually  occu 
pied  by  the  farmer  and  his  wife. 

Now,  although  the  bedroom  door  was  wide  open,  Pelegon 
remained  quiet  some  moments  before  he  could  detect  the 
faintest  sound.  Then  somebody  turned  over  in  bed  ;  then 
Mother  Hotchkick  was  seized  with  a  cough,  after  which  she 
muttered  something  the  boy  could  not  understand ;  and 
next  there  was  a  jarring  of  the  floor,  and  somebody  was  out 
of  bed  striking  a  match  to  light  the  candle. 

Pelegon,  all  a  tremble,  stooped  down  and  crawled  under  a 
table,  which,  fortunately,  was  covered  with  a  cloth  large 
enough  to  entirely  conceal  him.  He  was  none  too  quick,  for 
scarcely  had  he  thus  secreted  himself  when  Mrs.  Hotchkick 
came  out  into  the  sitting-room,  bringing  the  candle  in  her 
hand.  Setting  it  on  the  table,  she  glanced  at  the  old  eight- 
day  clock,  which  stood  in  the  corner  of  the  room,  and 
remarked,  almost  in  a  whisper,  "Nearly  'leven,  an'  he  aint 
here  yet."  Then  she  went  to  the  window,  raised  the  sash, 

and  looked  out. 

(366) 


MICE  IN  THE  PLOT.  367 

"  Dark 's  a  pocket !  "  she  exclaimed.  "P'raps  sometlrin  's 
happened  to  him.  I'm  afeared — no,  thar  's  the  wheels  on 
the  bridge,  he'll  come  in  a  few  minutes,  so  I'll  jest  set  here 
an'  wait  for  him." 

Thus  soliloquizing,  she  sat  down  in  a  chair,  placed  her 
elbow  on  the  table,  and  leaned  her  head  on  her  hand. 

Pelegon  felt  slightly  uncomfortable;  but,  nevertheless, 
the  idea  flashed  across  his  mind  what  a  good  joke  it  would 
be  to  yelp  like  a  dog,  seize  the  old  woman  by  her  bare  feet, 
then  jump  and  run,  leaving  her  half  scared  to  death.  Yet, 
fascinating  as  it  was,  this  temptation  would  have  been 
resisted,  had  not  Mrs.  Hotchkick  suddenly  stretched  out  her 
foot,  bringing  it  in  contact  with  Pelegon's  knee.  He  knew 
that  her  next  move  would  be  to  look  under  the  table  to  see 
what  she  had  hit ;  so  he  resolved  to  put  his  plan  into  execu 
tion  without  delay. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick  had  always  felt  an  insane  aversion  toward 
dogs,  being  thrown  into  a  fit  of  mortal  terror  whenever  one 
came  into  her  presence.  Now,  when  she  heard  a  savage 
growl,  followed  by  the  violent  and  painful  seizure  of  her 
toes — which  with  many  corns  were  afflicted — she  set  up 
such  a  night-rending  screech,  that  might  have  alarmed  a 
whole  neighborhood. 

For  my  part,  I  thought  bedlam  had  broken  loose,  and, 
while  wondering  what  it  all  meant,  a  figure  dressed  in  white 
came  flying  around  the  corner  of  the  house  with  such  aston 
ishing  velocity  that  I  had  no  time  to  get  out  of  the  way 
before  being  knocked  into  a  promiscuous  heap,  while,  a  little 
distance  off,  lay  another  mass  of  confusion  made  up  of  a 
ghostly  form,  which  had  been  seriously  telescoped  in  the 
collision. 

To  cut  the  matter  short,  here  was  the  prostrate  form  of 


368  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OP  A  HUSBAND. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick,  who,  either  from  fright  or  concussion  of 
the  brain,  was  now  quite  unconscious. 

Although  I  myself  felt  the  need  of  being  hauled  up  for 
repairs,  I  could  not  think  of  leaving  this  insensible  woman 
without  endeavoring  to  revive  her.  With  Pelegon's  assist 
ance,  I  was  just  meeting  with  success  when  Mr.  Hotchkick 
drove  up  in  front  of  the  house,  and  began  calling  on  his 
wife  to  come  out  and  unhitch  the  horse,  saying  that  he  was 
sick,  which  was  quite  likely,  as  it  was  his  custom,  when 
away  from  home  during  meal  time,  to  go  without  eating, 
and  to  use  the  money  thus  saved  in  paying  for  grog.  Judg 
ing  from  the  thickness  of  his  voice  on  this  occasion,  he  must 
have  deprived  himself  of  both  dinner  and  supper. 

Not  getting  any  response  to  his  repeated  calls,  his  hot 
temper  rose,  and  he  applied  names  to  his  wife,  which,  for 
tunately  for  her  peace  of  mind,  she  was  not  in  condition  to 
comprehend.  Such  was  the  efficacy  of  my  medical  skill, 
however,  that  it  was  not  long  before  my  patient  became  cog 
nizant  of  her  husband's  dulcet  tones,  and  succeeded  in  mak 
ing  herself  heard  in  reply  to  him. 

Pelegon  and  I  hastily  glided  into  a  clump  of  bushes,  where 
we  awaited  developments. 

Ere  long,  the  old  farmer  staggered  around  the  house ;  but 
when  he  saw  how  strangely  his  wife  looked  and  acted,  he 
was  nonplussed. 

"Whard'ye  git  yer  liquor?  "he  demanded,  as  the  poor 
woman,  in  trying  to  stand  on  her  feet,  fell  over  from  sheer 
weakness. 

"A  great  dog  tared  me  all  to  pieces,"  gasped  Mrs. 
Hotchkick. 

"  Wai,  I  guess  thar  's  'nuff  uv  yer  left,  sich  as  it  is,  to 
onhitch  the  boss  —  come  along ! "  said  the  unfeeling  man. 


MICE  IN  THE  PLOT.  369 

"  Lead  me  !  "  pleaded  the  woman. 

"  Yes,  I'll  lead  yer,"  he  answered,  taking  hold  of  her  arm. 
"  Git  up,  now  !  You  're  drunk  as  a  fool ;  that 's  what 's  the 
matter.  Come  along !  Stop  saggin'  down  so ! " 

Neither  of  them  could  walk  straight,  and  it  was  difficult 
to  decide  which  stood  most  in  need  of  assistance. 

They  grazed  against  every  tree,  and  fell  over  every  stone, 
until  finally  John  got  himself  somewhat  cooled  off  by  acci 
dentally  taking  a  seat  in  a  tub  full  of  rain-water. 

By  this  time  Mrs.  Hotchkick  had  so  far  regained  her 
strength  as  to  be  able  to  render  the  necessary  aid  in  releas 
ing  her  lord  and  master  from  his  sorry  predicament. 

Coming  to  the  place  where  the  horse  had  been  left,  he 
was  not  to  be  found.  Having  gone  unfed  since  morning, 
the  natural  instinct  of  hunger  made  the  beast  impatient  to 
be  taken  from  the  wagon,  and  prompted  him,  at  last,  to  go 
in  search  of  his  owner,  or,  more  likely,  his  stable.  Owing, 
however,  to  one  of  the  lines  being  fastened  tighter  than  the 
other,  which  drew  on  the  bit,  the  animal,  having  started, 
was  guided  into  a  near-by  open  field,  in  which  was  a  deep 
well  covered  with  decaying  boards.  Upon  these  the  horse 
stepped ;  but  his  weight  caused  them  to  give  way  the  instant 
his  fore  feet  came  upon  the  weakened  covering.  There  was 
a  deafening  crash,  as  the  wagon  went  to  pieces  in  trying  to 
follow  the  horse,  succeeded  by  a  subdued  splash  —  then  all 
was  quiet  as  the  grave. 

When  Mrs.  Hotchkick  had  sufficiently  recovered  her 
senses  to  bring  a  lighted  lantern  from  the  house,  she  and 
her  husband  proceeded  to  ascertain  the  amount  of  damage 
done.  A  broken  up  wagon  was  all  that  could  be  found 
until,  lowering  the  lantern  by  a  clothes-line  into  the  well, 
the  short  stub  of  a  tail  was  revealed,  standing  proudly  erect 


370  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

in  the  midst  of  the  dark  waters.  That  was  the  end  of  a 
long-suffering  horse. 

Hotchkick,  nursing  his  anger,  went  into  the  house  and 
went  to  bed.  It  had  been  an  unlucky  day  with  him,  for,  as 
I  afterwards  learned,  he  had  been  to  Boston  to  secure  the 
aid  of  a  lawyer  in  bringing  a  suit  for  damages  against  me, 
but  had  met  with  no  encouragement. 

"  How  about  that  paper  which  we  came  here  to  obtain  ?  " 
said  I  to  Pelegon,  when  we  were  once  more  by  ourselves. 

"  Oh  !  I  have  it,"  he  answered.  "  I  took  the  little  bureau 
drawer  and  all  there  was  in  it  —  for  I  had  no  time  to  make 
selections  —  while  Marm  Hotchkick  was  bounding  out  of 
the  house,  thinking  there  was  a  mad  dog  at  her  heels." 

We  repaired  to  the  wood-shed,  lighted  a  torch,  and  made 
ready  to  examine  the  note  which  referred  to  Pelegon. 

"  I  fear,"  said  I,  after  a  moment's  reflection,  "  we  are 
engaged  in  bad  business ;  for  if  this  paper  is  really  import 
ant  in  the  matter  of  discovering  the  crime  which  has  robbed 
you  of  birthright,  you  will  be  suspected  of  taking  it.  Then 
Mrs.  Hotchkick's  fright  and  the  death  of  the  horse  will  be 
charged  to  you  also. 

"Certainly,"  responded  Pelegon.  "I  will  take  the  papers 
right  back  and  put  them  where  I  found  them." 

"  Hold  the  torch  while  I  read  the  note  about  you,"  I  said. 

Pelegon  did   so,  and   I   carefully  read  the  document. 

*'  Yes,"  I  remarked,  after  having  folded  it,  "  the  hand 
writing  is  that  of  a  woman,  but  it  is  not  that  of  a  mother. 
There  is  no  heart  in  it." 

"  Let  us  burn  it  in  the  torch,"  pleaded  the  boy. 

"No,"  I  replied  ;  "I  will  keep  it  in  my  possession,  hoping 
that  in  some  way  it  will  be  the  means  of  discovering  guilt 
and  rewarding  innocence." 


MICE  IN  THE   PLOT.  371 

"  But  won't  I  be  suspicioned  ? "  asked  Pelegon,  whose 
imagination  was  again  tortured  by  the  vision  of  wrathful 
Hotchkick. 

Again  I  remained  silent,  wholly  absorbed  in  thought. 

When  at  last  I  spoke,  it  was  only  to  say :  "  Hear  those 
mice  !  I  wish  we  could  catch  one." 

"  I  know  where  they  have  a  nest,"  answered  the  boy.  "  I 
fixed  a  place  for  them,  myself,  and  I  used  to  keep  them  for 
pets,  and  thought  a  good  deal  of  them,  too." 

"  Let  me  look  at  the  nest,"  said  I. 

Pelegon  climbed  upon  the  wood,  reached  over  behind  a 
beam,  took  out  a  little  box,  and  removed  the  cover. 

"  Oh,  look !  "  he  exclaimed.  "  Here  are  young  ones. 
Little  bits  of  things  no  bigger  than  a  bumble-bee,  and  not  a 
hair  on  them  !  " 

"  Good ! "  said  I.  "  They  are  just  what  I  want,"  and 
taking  a  knife,  I  proceeded  to  cut  a  small  hole  in  the  corner 
of  the  back  end  of  the  drawer.  I  then  used  the  sharp  point 
of  the  blade  for  denting  the  surface  around  the  aperture 
until  it  had  every  appearance  of  being  the  workmanship  of  a 
mouse. 

This  done,  I  tore  some  of  the  papers  which  had  been 
found  in  the  drawer  into  very  small  fragments,  of  which  I 
soon  had  enough  to  build  a  nest  which  any  little  rodent 
would  have  been  proud  to  own.  Then  I  carefully  placed 
the  five  baby  mice  in  their  new  bed,  laid  them  away  in  the 
bottom  of  the  drawer,  and  bade  Pelegon  return  it  to  its 
proper  place  in  the  bureau. 

Next  day,  what  Hotchkick  told  his  wife  was  that  "  the 
pesky,  blarsted  mice  had  got  into  the  bureau  and  made  a 
terrible  muss  with  his  papers,  while  the  note  about  Pelegon 
was  teetotally  chawed  up." 


CHAPTER  V. 

IN  JAIL. 

MRS.  CRUDELL  was  called  a  Christian.  She  was 
considered  such  by  her  towns-people,  who  judged 
her  entirely  by  her  public  acts  and  professions,  never  having 
much  opportunity  to  observe  her  in  and  about  her  home  and 
household.  She  had  been  baptized,  taken  into  the  Swamp- 
ton  church,  elected  to  offices  in  the  various  societies  and 
undertakings  of  the  church  of  which  she  was  a  member,  and 
was  regarded  as  quite  a  shining  light  in  the  denominational 
firmament. 

Although  Mrs.  Crudell  was  always  exceedingly  amiable 
while  engaged  in  official  duties  in  the  presence  of  her  sisters, 
she  nevertheless  suffered  from  the  confirmed  habit  of  losing 
her  temper  when  annoyed  by  the  homely  affairs  of  domestic 
life. 

Christians  as  well  as  philosophers  have  their  inconsisten 
cies.  I  believe  I  have  a  few  myself.  Theoretically  I  hold 
that  God  rules  the  universe  in  every  particular,  and  that 
through  infinite  love  he  will  eventually  right  all  wrongs, 
fully  and  freely  compensating  every  person  who  may  have 
suffered  temporary  injustice.  This  theory,  however,  does 
not  in  the  least  prevent  my  soul  from  becoming  hot  with 
indignation  whenever  I  see  dumb  animals  or  innocent  chil 
dren  abused.  It  is  painful  to  record,  although  truth  compels 

(372) 


IN    JAIL.  373 

the  acknowledgment,  that  I  am  liable,  on  occasion,  to  tmdergo 
what  might  be  termed  wrathful  insanity,  as,  for  instance, 
when  I  almost  succeeded  in  making  a  poor  quality  of  jelly 
of  John  Hotchkick,  on  the  memorable  occasion  when  Pelegon 
was  nearly  drowned  in  the  Concord  River.  . 

One  day  Mrs.  Crudell  was  dreadfully  cross.  The  explana 
tion  is  this :  On  the  previous  evening  she  had  delivered  an 
earnest  religious  address.  Every  one  who  heard  it  believed 
that  her  words  were  made  eloquent  with  the  spirit  of  Chris 
tian  love.  She  zealously  exhorted  her  brothers  and  sisters 
to  live  lives  of  gentleness  and  affection,  etc.,  etc. 

Those  who  have  never  thrown  their  whole  soul  into  a  pub 
lic  address,  do  not  realize  the  after  consequences.  What 
does  such  an  expenditure  involve  but  that  the  very  energy 
and  vitality  of  the  speaker  are  perilously  reduced.  Thus 
one  may  vehemently  urge  the  multitude  to  resist  temptation, 
while  he  himself,  by  that  very  appeal,  is  exhausting  the  very 
power  which  he  himself  will  next  day  need  in  order  to  follow 
his  own  advice. 

So  it  came  to  pass  that  Mrs.  Crudell  arose  on  the  morning 
following  her  rhetorical  effort,  feeling  quite  nervous,  and 
consequently  irritable.  Finding  the  cat  at  the  foot  of  her 
bed, — an  occurrence  quite  contrary  to  the  rules  which  she 
had  made  for  the  government  of  cats, — she  seized  the  luck 
less  animal  by  that  long  and  sensitive  portion  of  its  anatomy 
which  is  always  the  last  thing  we  see  when  a  cat  turns  a 
corner,  and  attempted  to  throw  Miss  Tabby  violently  against 
the  floor. 

But  somehow  a  cat  is  wonderfully  active.  This  one  in 
particular,  although  taken  up  when  soundly  asleep,  and  has 
tily  discharged  from  a  most  effective  slinging-machine,  found 
plenty  of  time  before  parting  with  her  mistress  to  awake, 


874  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

stretch  every  nerve,  turn  a  grand  somersault,  and  drive  her 
claws  into  Mrs.  Crudell's  bare  arm. 

The  exasperated  woman  now  uttered  a  cry,  in  which  some 
slang  words  might  have  been  detected.  She  hated  slang, 
and  the  fact  that  she  had  allowed  herself  to  use  it  served 
only  to  increase  her  anger,  and  when  she  saw  the  cat  still 
sitting  on  the  bed,  audaciously  looking  at  her,  her  rage 
became  towering  as  she  pronounced  the  same  judgment  on 
the  animal  that,  through  all  past  ages,  has  been  sacredly 
reserved  for  infidels. 

The  cat  seized  the  first  opportunity  to  leave  the  house, 
and  was  possessed  of  too  much  feline  sense  to  return  for  her 
breakfast 

Mrs.  Crudell's  little  boy,  three  years  of  age,  was  less  for 
tunate.  He  cried  because  the  cat  had  gone,  and  was  sternly 
told  to  "  shut  up."  Then  he  cried  the  louder,  and  his  mother 
struck  him  for  disobedience.  More  crying  and  more  striking 
followed,  till  the  little  fellow  was  almost  strangled  trying  to 
suppress  the  sobs  which  Nature  had  provided  for  his  relief, 
but  which  were  exceedingly  objectionable  to  the  woman  with 
unstrung  nerves.  At  breakfast  the  moaning  child  could  eat 
nothing,  for  his  veins  were  full  of  rushing  fever.  This  of 
itself  made  him  fretful,  and  the  mother's  patience  was  so 
completely  exhausted  that  matters  grew  worse  instead  of 
better. 

When,  at  last,  this  trembling  victim  of  maternal  wrath 
sought  safety  by  crawling  out  at  the  door,  and  was  so  luck 
less  as  to  fall  into  the  dirt,  he  was  immediately  seized  by 
the  hair,  cuffed  sharply  on  the  ear,  and  dragged  over  the 
door-sill,  without  regard  to  consequences.  His  screams  were 
now  so  piercing  that  Mrs.  Crudell  forcibly  held  her  hand 
over  his  little  mouth,  creating  at  once  an  agony  and  a  danger, 


IN   JAIL.  375 

the  seriousness  of  which  it  is  hardly  possible  to  suppose  she 
could  have  comprehended.  Then  she  thought  of  the  dark 
closet,  the  very  mention  of  which  filled  the  boy's  tender 
heart  with  unspeakable  torment,  and  into  this  dreaded  place 
she  savagely  thrust  him,  saying,  as  she  tightly  closed  the 
door,  that  he  must  stay  there  until  a  great  black  bear  would 
come  to  tear  him  all  to  pieces. 

It  was  just  at  this  moment  that  I  happened  to  be  returning 
from  a  somewhat  lengthy  morning  walk.  While  coming 
over  the  brow  of  a  hill  not  far  from  the  house,  I  had  been 
an  unwilling  and  unobserved  witness  to  Mrs.  Crudell's  treat 
ment  of  her  child.  Such  a  scene  was  my  poison. 

What  though  my  philosophy  assured  me  that  sometime  in 
God's  eternity  that  child  would  be  richly  compensated  for 
all  its  wrongs  ?  It  requires  hours  of  the  closest  reasoning 
to  ascend  all  the  logical  steps  which  justify  such  a  conclu 
sion,  while  it  takes  but  one  second  to  behold  cruelty ;  and 
it  is  generally  the  one  second,  instead  of  the  hours  of  logical 
reasoning,  which  decides  a  man's  conduct.  The  heart  never 
aspires  to  climb  those  dizzy  heights  where  intellect  is  victo 
rious,  for  it  has  a  world  of  its  own  into  which  philosophy  is 
never  allowed  to  intrude. 

So  it  was  at  the  moment  of  which  I  am  writing.  For  the 
time  being  I  was  not  a  philosopher  but  an  avenger. 

Not  stopping  to  reflect  I  rushed  madly  into  the  house, 
seized  the  woman  by  the  arm,  and  shook  her  till  she  fell. 
I  then  hurried  to  the  closet,  where  I  found  the  child  in  an 
almost  fatal  convulsion,  its  unconscious  paroxysms  being 
exceedingly  painful  to  behold. 

Mrs.  Crudell,  not  knowing  who  I  was,  and  mistaking  me 
for  a  desperado,  set  up  a  series  of  shrieks  which  seemed 
intended  to  wake  the  dead. 


376  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Come,  come !  Get  up  here  and  behave  yourself !  "  I 
exclaimed,  at  the  same  time  lending  a  hand  to  assist  her. 
"  Look  to  your  child,  in  that  pitiful  condition." 

But  a  new  development  was  about  to  open.  The  woman's 
stentorian  outcry  had  alarmed  Mr.  Crudell,  who  had  been 
working  in  a  field  not  far  away,  and  now  he  arrived  at  the 
house  just  in  time  to  see  me  laying  hold  of  the  woman  in 
the  attempt  to  help  her  up. 

"  Oh,  husband !  take  him  off !  He  is  trying  to  kill  me  !  " 
was  her  excited  appeal. 

Of  course  the  husband  could  do  nothing  less  than  to  seize 
the  supposed  outlaw,  and  he  immediately  did  so  in  quite  a 
rough  manner,  being  a  much  stronger  man  than  myself. 

I  ought  not  to  have  resisted,  but  I  did,  and  the  exciting 
combat  which  followed  was  such  an  unpleasant  affair  that 
its  record  shall  have  no  place  on  these  pages. 

In  the  afternoon  of  the  same  day  a  warrant  was  issued  by 
the  court,  causing  me  to  be  arrested  and  thrown  into  jail, 
charged,  first,  with  assault  and  battery  on  Mrs.  Crudell ;  and 
charged,  second,  with  assault  and  battery  on  Mr.  Crudell. 

Perhaps  it  is  not  strange  that  almost  the  entire  population 
of  Swampton  arrived  hastily  at  the  conclusion  that  they  had 
secured  a  criminal  of  the  deepest  dye.  Indeed,  there  were 
those  who  stood  ready,  at  a  moment's  notice,  to  join  a  mob 
and  lynch  me.  News-mongers  gloated  over  sensational 
accounts  of  my  infamy,  while  Mrs.  Crudell  was  the  recipient 
of  boundless  sympathy  and  laudation.  In  Parson  Drowthers' 
sermon  on  the  following  Sunday,  she  was  spoken  of  as  a 
noble  woman,  who  had  been  foully  attacked  by  a  ruffian. 

John  Hotchkick  told  his  wife  that  he  was  not  the  least 
bit  surprised,  for  he  had  "knowed"  all  the  time  that  I  wns 
a  "  blarsted  bad  man,"  and  would  come  to  a  bad  end. 


IN   JAIL.  877 

Mrs.  Hotchkick  told  her  husband  that  she  "  could  n't  see 
for  the  life  of  her  what  the  Lord  was  thinkin'  on  when  he 
made  such  a  wretched  wretch  for  to  be  a  pester  to  decent 
folks." 

Parson  Drowthers  told  Mrs.  Crudell,  while  holding  his 
lips  very  close  to  her  tiny  ear,  that,  in  his  opinion,  the  man 
who  had  dared  to  lay  his  foul  hands  on  her  sacred  person 
was  now  in  a  fair  way  to  receive  evidence  of  God's  eternal 
wrath. 

Mrs.  Crudell  told  Parson  Drowthers,  while  holding  her 
rosy  lips  close  to  his  enormous  ear,  that  her  nervous  system 
was  so  unstrung  by  the  attack  which  had  been  made  upon 
her,  that  if  it  were  not  for  the  comforting  words  of  her  dear 
pastor  she  should  pray  for  the  angel  of  death  to  release  her. 

Immediately  Parson  Drowthers  lisped  other  comforting 
words  into  her  delicate  organ  of  hearing. 

Mr.  Wordswell,  as  also  his  wife  and  daughter,  spoke  only 
in  the  kindest  terms  of  me,  and  determined  to  do  everything 
in  their  power  to  save  my  person  and  my  reputation  from 
harm. 

There  was  only  one  human  being  who  shed  tears  over  the 
unhappy  occurrence,  and  that  one  was  Pelegon  Jinny.  Day 
and  night  he  sustained  a  grief  of  which  few  hearts  are  capa 
ble.  He  who  had  never  known  a  father  seemed  now  to  have 
lost  one.  For  the  first  time  in  his  life  he  prayed,  and  his 
prayer  was  that  his  friend  might  be  taken  out  of  prison,  or 
else  that  he  might  go  there,  too,  and  be  shut  up  with  him. 
23 


CHAPTER  VI. 

THE   FURIES. 

ILL-FATED  Swampton  lay  in  the  path  of  the  tornado. 
The  day  had  been  unusually  hot,  and  at  four  o'clock 
in  the  afternoon  a  deathly  stillness  prevailed.  Not  a  leaf 
quivered,  and  the  lightest  of  downy  dust,  failing  to  find  a 
current  in  the  air,  twirled  about  itself  in  a  lazy  way,  hesi 
tating  whether  to  rise  or  fall. 

Was  Nature  sleeping,  dying,  or  what?  Nothing  of  the 
kind.  She  was  busily  engaged  in  her  laboratory,  brewing  a 
terrible  tempest,  which,  in  a  moment  more,  would  be  turned 
loose  on  the  face  of  the  earth,  to  carry  death  and  destruction 
to  the  children  of  men. 

A  large,  leaden-colored  cloud  came  rolling  up  from  the 
west,  when  it  was  suddenly  brought  into  contact  with  another, 
coming  from  the  south.  Soon  after  a  terrific  noise  resounded 
from  Swampton's  great  pine  woods,  and  people  saw  a  swath 
of  trees  mown  down  like  grass  before  some  tremendous 
scythe.  An  irresistible  giant  twisted  them  about,  tore  them 
from  the  ground,  and  tossed  them  hastily  aside,  as  though 
he  would  make  a  road  for  the  forth-coming  chariots  of  a 
celestial  army. 

A  spiral  column  hung  from  cloud  to  earth,  like  a  black, 
insatiate  serpent  let  loose  from  chains  and  night  and  woe. 
With  forked  tongue  of  fire  it  lapped  great  mouthfuls  from 

(378) 


THE  FURIES.  379 

garden,  field,  and  ^forest,  crunched  them  to  dust  and  splin 
ters,  and  then  ejected  them  into  the  face  of  heaven,  as 
though  its  wrath  would  vent  itself  on  the  Most  High. 

Grappling  Mr.  Wordswell's  barn,  it  carried  it  to  a  place 
within  a  few  feet  of  the  front  door  of  his  house,  and  there 
set  it  down  without  doing  him  any  further  damage.  It  vis 
ited  John  Hotchkick's  orchard,  leaving  him  not  a  single 
fruit-tree,  while  it  conveyed  his  fence,  he  knew  not  where, 
and  scattered  his  precious  wood-pile  until  not  one  stick  was 
left  upon  another. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick's  hens  were  almost  entirely  denuded  of 
feathers,  yet  were  not  seriously  injured,  although  exhibiting 
considerable  surprise  over  their  Greek  slave  condition. 

Thus  did  the  elephantine  monster  march  on,  reaching  out 
here  and  there  to  wind  his  huge  proboscis  around  some 
giant  oak,  which  was  pulled  up  as  easily  as  though  it  had 
been  a  tender  herb. 

Whenever  the  storm  struck  a  house  or  hollow  object  of 
any  kind,  it  seemed  to  envelop  the  whole  structure  in  a  very 
light,  etherial  atmosphere,  the  result  being  that  everything 
was  blown  outward  by  the  sudden  expansion  of  the  confined 
denser  air. 

Coming  to  the  village  the  whirl  danced  up  and  down  in 
such  apparent  glee  that  it  jumped  some  houses  completely, 
and  fell  heavily  down  upon  others  in  the  same  line  of  march. 

Striking  Swampton  church  its  ecstasy  must  have  changed 
to  vengeance,  for  it  hurled  every  wall  outward  with  terrible 
force,  while  the  roof  went  upward  for  some  distance  and 
then  paused,  as  though  waiting  for  all  else  to  be  removed, 
when  it  descended  upon  the  church  floor  with  a  great  crash. 

Oh,  how  this  monster  from  the  "  cave  of  winds  "  writhed 
and  darted  and  hissed !  How  fearful  the  contortions  of  its 


380  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

body,  and  with  what  whiz  and  rattle  and  tjmd  it  sped  onward 
in  its  work  of  devastation  and  death ! 

Reaching  the  Concord  River  at  last,  it  greedily  swallowed 
a  great  volume  of  water,  and  thus,  having  overladen  its 
stomach,  fell  to  the  earth,  a  helpless  invalid,  while  the 
zephyrs  of  gentleness  and  peace  took  the  dying  cyclone  in 
their  loving  arms  and  bore  it  softly  away. 

And  now  the  villagers  sallied  forth  from  cellars  and 
hiding-places,  to  see  what  was  left  to  show  of  their  worldly 
goods.  The  spot  where  their  church  had  stood  was  almost 
the  first  to  attract  attention,  and  to  call  forth  expressions  of 
grief.  Hastening  to  examine  the  inexplicable  ruin,  they 
were  soon  standing  upon  the  prostrate  roof,  looking  far  and 
near  for  the  remaining  portions  of  their  temple  of  worship. 

Suddenly  a  feeble  human  cry  was  heard,  issuing  from  the 
debris  beneath  their  feet.  "  Quick !  quick  !  "  exclaimed  the 
excited  villagers.  "  Somebody  is  buried  here.  Bring  an 
axe, — crow-bar !  Take  hold !  Lift  the  roof !  Hurry  !  " 

There  was  considerable  delay  before  the  proper  tools  could 
be  had,  and  meanwhile  the  townsmen  speculated  upon  the 
mystery  of  who  the  person  was  that  had  been  in  the  church 
when  the  disaster  occurred.  No  one  could  think  of  any 
good  reason  for  visiting  the  house  except  during  religious 
services.  However,  the  period  for  surmising  must  be  of 
short  duration.  Painful  groans  from  below  still  continued, 
but  were  growing  more  and  more  feeble  every  moment. 
Axe  and  crow-bar  were  now  at  work,  cutting  and  tearing 
away  a  portion  of  the  roof.  It  seemed  a  time  interminable 
before  the  rent  was  made  large  enough  for  a  human  body, 
and  then  it  was  not  in  the  right  place.  Other  shingles  had 
to  be  torn  off,  other  boards  split,  and  other  rafters  cut 
asunder. 


THE   FUEIES.       -  ,  381 

At  last  a  human  form  was  reached.  Although  the  face 
was  shockingly  bruised  and  almost  beyond  recognition,  there 
was  no  mistaking  the  man.  He  was  Parson  Drowthers, 
Strong  arms  were  immediately  thrown  about  him,  while 
swift  feet  hurried  toward  the  doctor's  office,  to  which  the 
suffering  minister  was  conveyed  for  the  medical  or  surgical 
assistance  he  so  much  needed. 

"  Where  do  you  suffer  most  ? "  asked  the  physician,  when 
he  had  given  the  patient  a  strong,  stimulating  drug. 

"  Is  she  dead?"  faintly  groaned  Drowthers. 

"  Who  ? " 

"  She  who  was  with  me,"  came  the  whispered  response. 

The  men  who  had  brought  the  wounded  clergyman  to  the 
office  waited  to  hear  no  more,  but  rushed  back  to  announce 
that  a  woman  was  buried  in  the  same  ruins. 

Their  speed  was  unnecessary,  however,  for  others  had 
discovered  the  crushed  mortal,  and  were  already  bearing  the 
remains  away. 

"  They  have  foun-f  the  woman ! "  exclaimed  the  doctor, 
looking  out.  "  Here,"  he  continued,  addressing  Lou  Cra, 
who  had  just  come  in,  "  stay  with  this  dying  man  while  I 
see  to  the  other  person." 

"  Nothing  to  see  about,  for  she  is  already  dead,"  answered 
Lou  Cra.  But  the  doctor  hurried  on  toward  the  scene  of  the 
terrible  catastrophe. 

"Did  you  say  that  Mrs.  Crudell  was  dead  ?"  inquired  the 
minister,  manifesting  a  strange,  wild  energy. 

"  Yes,"  answered  Lou  Cra,  "  I  said  she  was  dead,  but  I 
did  not  emphasize  dead  as  I  might  if  she  had  been  permitted 
to  live.  Oh,  you  need  n't  stare  at  me  in  that  way,  as  though 
you  would  try  to  make  me  out !  Do  you  remember  Louisa 
Cracraft  ?  Oh,  yes !  I  see  you  do  not  forget.  Here  then 


382  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

you  behold  Louisa  Cracraft  herself,  and,  although  the  hand 
of  death  is  already  upon  you,  he  shall  not  take  you  away 
until  you  have  received  my  curse." 

"  I  deserve  it,"  groaned  the  minister.  "  God  forgive  me 
for  that  marriage  certificate." 

"  Ah !  and  will  you  now  undo  the  wrong  you  have  done 
me  ?  "  asked  Lou  Cra. 

"  I  was  greatly  tempted,"  continued  the  minister,  paying 
no  attention  to  the  question.  "  My  salary  was  small.  I 
could  not  live  on  it.  I  needed  the  money.  Huntgill  was  a 
wicked  man.  I  wonder  if  he  is  dead  and  if  I  shall  meet  him. 
He  was  in  Colorado  the  last  I  heard.  Come  closer  to  me, 
my  good  woman." 

Lou  Cra  bent  over  the  wretched  clergyman. 

"  Tell  everybody,"  said  he,  speaking  with  great  effort,  "  to 
be  good  and  kind  to  Pelegon." 

"  Whose  child  is  he  ?  "  demanded  Lou  Cra,  in  stern  tones. 

"  Oh,  don't  speak  so !  Tell  him  to  find  Huntgill,  and  then 
he — I  —  "  the  words  of  the  minister  died  upon  his  lips,  and 
in  another  moment  his  breath  had  forever  ceased. 

His  tragic  end,  as  also  that  of  Mrs.  Crudell,  was  produc 
tive  of  much  mourning. 

Lou  Cra,  —  or  Crazy  Lou,  as  she  was  frequently  called, — 
continued  to  be  S\vampton's  mystery. 

On  the  day  of  the  funeral  she  visited  me  in  jail,  telling 
me  all  that  Parson  Drowthers  had  said  in  his  last  moments. 

I  was  intensely  interested. 

"  What  could  he  have  meant  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  I  dare  not  tell  you,"  she  replied,  "  for  it  is  so  related  to 
my  own  misfortunes  that  I  know  I  should  go  mad  again  if  I 
were  to  talk  over  and  reveal  to  you  the  terrible  experiences 
of  my  life." 


LOU   CRA   VISITS  THK  PRISON. 


THE   FURIES.  385 

"  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  you  have  sometime  been  mad  ?  " 
I  asked. 

"  Yes,  but  that  is  a  secret  for  you  only.  Don't  tell !  You 
have  been  my  best  friend,  and  I  confide  in  you.  They  took 
me  to  an  asylum.  It  was  dreadful.  I  was  there  an  eter 
nity  ;  then  the  doctor  said  I  was  cured  and  could  go  away, 
but  he  made  me  promise  that  I  would  never  talk  with  any 
one  about  my  wrongs, — about  my  dear  brother  who  died  a 
bachelor  and  worth  a  million ;  about  the  counterfeit  marriage 
certificate ;  about  the  child  that  was  brought  into  court  to 
establish  the  monstrous  claim  of  the  conspirators ;  about 
Huntgill,  who  did  the  kidnapping,  and  all  the  hateful  work ; 
about  Pelegon, — but  that  is  not  his  true  name;  about  the 
murder  of  the  school-master, — oh,  no!  that  has  happened 
since,  but  it  belongs  to  the  same  web." 

"  But  tell  me  — "  I  began. 

"  Stop !  "  exclaimed  the  woman,  becoming  excited.  "  How 
dare  you  question  me  when  I  told  you  I  was  under  promise 
not  to  talk  on  these  subjects  ?  Go  to  Colorado !  Find 
Huntgill.  He  is  the  man.  Compel  him  to  tell  all.  Save  a 
noble  boy  from  a  disgraceful  name.  Return  him  to  his  kin ! 
Do  good !  I  am  not — " 

She  became  almost  raving,  so  I  checked  and  quieted  her 
as  best  I  could. 

My  mind  was  soon  made  up.  I  would  go  to  Colorado  and 
take  Pelegon  with  me. 

Next  day  I  was  out  of  jail,  for  it  was  decided  by  the  plain 
tiff  that  there  should  be  no  trial  on  the  charges  against  me. 

Mr.  Crudell  had  been  closeted  with  a  lawyer,  from  whom 
he  received  a  few  hints  that  set  him  thinking.  At  first  he 
was  determined  to  have  me  punished  to  the  full  extent  of 
the  law's  power ;  but  when  he  was  told  that  my  attorney 


386  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

would  proceed  to  show  that  I  had  possessed  no  other  motive 
than  to  protect  a  little  child  from  dangerous  abuse,  and  that 
the  lawyer  would  very  likely  call  witnesses  from  among  Mr. 
Crudell's  neighbors,  and,  perhaps,  be  able  to  prove  that  Mrs. 
Crudell  was  in  the  habit  of  punishing  her  children  rather 
harshly,  the  husband  exclaimed, 

"That  is  enough  !     Let  the  case  be  dropped." 
This   explains  why  the  State's  attorney  ordered  a  nolle 
prosequi  to  be  entered  upon  the  records  opposite  "  The  Com 
monwealth  versus  August  Berkeley,"  and  why,  forthwith,  I 
received  an  honorable  discharge. 


CHAPTER  VII. 

A   POINT   GAINED. 

IT  was  announced  that  the  Governor  of  the  Commonwealth 
would  address  a  mass  meeting  at  L .     Everybody 

wanted  to  hear  him.  Pelegon  and  Ozelia  stole  away  in  the 
absence  of  Mr.  Wordswell,  and  greatly  enjoyed  walking  to 
the  place,  a  distance  of  three  miles.  It  was  much  further 
by  way  of  the  road,  but  Pelegon  was  acquainted  with  a  foot 
path  through  the  woods  which  led  straight  to  L .  They 

were  so  long  in  getting  there,  even  by  this  short  cut, — so 
many  times  did  they  have  to  stop  to  rest  or  to  gather  the 
beautiful  autumn  leaves, — that  they  were  caught  in  a  shower 
at  the  last  minute,  and  the  Governor's  speech  was  ended 
before  they  arrived.  However,  they  found  no  cause  for 
complaint.  Too  young  and  happy  were  they  to  feel  any  bit 
terness  over  such  vicissitudes.  They  enjoyed  each  other. 
Any  additional  source  of  enjoyment  was  superfluous.  Oh, 
that  the  greater  part  of  humanity  could  be  thus  classified, — - 
two  by  two,  —  and  that  each  couple  could  find  such  complete 
happiness  in  each  other  that  the  deprivation  of  external 
blessings  would  scarcely  be  felt ! 

But  Pelegon  and  Ozelia  must  return.  There  was  not 
time  to  walk  by  the  circuitous  route.  Both  of  them  realized 
the  propriety  of  getting  home  before  dark,  especially  as  Mr. 
Wordswell  himself  was  expected  to  be  there  at  an  early  hour. 

(387) 


388  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Our  young  friends  now  had  a  pleasant  walk,  under  diffi 
culties.  To  older  and  less  sentimental — or  shall  we  say  to 
less  affectionate — persons,  it  would  have  been  extremely 
vexatious.  The  rain  had  beaten  down  the  bushes  and  small 
branches  until  the  narrow  path  in  many  places  was  com 
pletely  obstructed. 

Pelegon  went  ahead,  shoved  away  the  bush,  and  shook 
the  heavy  drops  of  water  upon  himself  until  there  was  not  a 
dry  thread  in  his  clothing,  but  so  faithfully  did  he  do  love's 
work  that  Ozelia  was  kept  dry  and  comfortable. 

Midway  through  the  woods  they  came  to  a  low,  swampy 
place,  where,  for  a  considerable  distance,  the  water  stood  on 
the  surface  of  sufficient  depth  to  cover  Ozelia's  shoe-tops. 

Here  was  a  predicament. 

First  they  tried  to  go  around  the  marsh  ;  but  it  extended 
a  long  distance,  both  to  the  right  and  to  the  left,  while  alders 
and  poison  ivy  formed  an  almost  impenetrable  jungle. 

Ozelia  suggested  returning  to  L and  taking  the  road. 

Just  then  a  peal  of  thunder  resounded  through  the  western 
sky,  and  it  was  evident  that  another  shower  was  approaching. 

Justified  by  the  emergency,  the  girl  now  proposed  taking 
off  her  shoes  and  stockings  and  wading  across  to  dry  land. 
To  this  Pelegon  would  not  listen,  for  he  feared  she  might 
take  cold  and  imperil  her  life. 

His  purpose  was  soon  formed.  Making  an  invalid  chair 
of  his  strong  arms  he  insisted  on  carrying  Ozelia  across  the 
treacherous  bog.  At  first  she  modestly  hesitated,  but  finally 
threw  her  arms  lovingly  about  his  neck,  and  submitted  grace 
fully  and  resignedly  to  that  mode  of  conveyance. 

Had  either  of  them  known  how  dangerous  was  the  ground 
over  which  they  were  to  pass,  the  feat  would  not  have  been 
undertaken;  for  under  the  wild-grass  turf  was  a  jelly-like 


A   POINT   GAINED.  389 

mire,  three  or  four  feet  in  depth.  But  Pelegon  cautiously 
selected  the  toughest  of  the  bog  on  which  to  step,  and,  hy 
walking  rapidly,  was  able  to  get  safely  across  with  his  pre 
cious  charge. 

"  There ! "  said  he,  almost  out  of  breath,  "  I  would  not 
have  missed  this  opportunity,  even  to  have  been  made  Gov 
ernor  of  the  State,"  and  then,  in  putting  her  down,  her 
blushing  cheek  came  so  near, — he  could  not  help  it,  the 
impulsive  rogue, — for  the  first  time  in  his  life  he  kissed  her. 
"Was  she  angry  ?  Perhaps  so,  for  she  immediately  returned 
the  osculation. 

Then  she  scolded  him  for  being  so  bold,  and  while  he  was 
doing  the  best  he  could  to  feel  sorry,  a  loud,  rasping  voice 
burst  forth  on  the  forest  stillness,  startling  them  both  like 
discovered  culprits. 

"  Say,  you  there !  Who  are  yer  ?  How  do  yer  git  across 
this  ere  place  ? " 

It  was  the  voice  of  Mrs.  Hotchkick.  She,  too,  had  been 
to  hear  the  Governor,  and  as  the  new  "  hoss  "  had  not  yet 
arrived,  she  had  placed  dependence  on  her  well-tried  bodily 
endurance  and  the  short  cut  through  the  woods,  to  get  her 
safely  home  in  time  to  milk  the  cows  and  prepare  supper. 

Ozelia  counseled  Pelegon  to  make  no  reply  to  the  woman 
but  to  leave  her  in  ignorance  as  to  who  he  was,  for  evidently 
her  defective  sight  prevented  her  knowing. 

"  No,"  said  Pelegon,  "  it  would  not  be  right  to  go  away 
and  refuse  her  assistance  now  that  the  night  is  coming  on. 
She  is  afraid  as  death  of  wetting  her  feet,  and,  although  she 
has  no  softness  in  her  heart,  she  has  been  the  only  mother 
to  me  I  have  ever  known.  Besides,  I  never  feel  quite  so 
happy  as  when  I  return  good  for  evil.  Yes,  you  must  let 
me  do  what  I  can  for  her." 


390  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"Nobly  spoken!"  exclaimed  Ozelia.  "I  am  proud  of 
you." 

So  Pelegon  recrossed  the  slough,  and  in  few  words  told 
Mrs.  Hotchkick  that  he  would  carry  her  over.  She  seemed 
slightly  affected  by  this  manifestation  of  generous  impulse, 
but  expressed  her  doubt  as  to  his  ability  to  perform  the 
task.  He  believed  that  her  weight  was  less  than  that  of 
Ozelia,  and  therefore  assured  her  that  she  could  safely  trust 
herself  in  his  hands. 

After  threatening  him  with  dire  vengeance  if  he  should 
let  her  fall,  she  reluctantly  consented  to  a  trial  of  the  pro 
posed  plan. 

Alas! 

Alackaday ! 

Oh!    Oh!    Oh! 

Help !     Help ! 

Pelegon  had  missed  his  reckoning  in  estimating  that  Mrs. 
Hotchkick  was  lighter  than  Ozelia.  True,  she  was  not  of 
great  size,  but  what  there  was  of  her  was  mostly  gristle  and 
bone.  Perhaps  his  strength  was  already  somewhat  exhausted. 
Besides,  his  sinews  were  not  now  supported  by  the  magic 
power  of  love.  It  is  one  thing  to  have  one's  neck  affection 
ately  encircled  by  soft  and  tremulous  arms,  but  quite  another 
to  feel  the  sharp  elbows  of  flcshless  old  age  pressing  upon 
one's  shoulders. 

Pelegon  was  only  half  way  across,  when  he  was  so  over 
come  that  he- must  needs  stop  to  rest. 

Fatal  stop! 

The  frail  turf  could  not  sustain  him  and  his  burden.  It 
broke.  In  an  instant  he  sunk  waist  deep  in  soft  mud. 

Mrs.  Hotchkick  shrieked,  kicked,  struggled,  and  then  fell 
flat  on  her  back  into  the  water.  By  herculean  effort  Pelegon 


A   POINT   GAINED.  391 

assisted  her  to  her  feet,  but  the  next  instant  the  sod  broke 
beneath  her  also,  and  she  went  down  so  rapidly  as  to  imagine 
herself  going  through  the  earth.. 

The  brave  boy  kept  cool,  in  more  senses  than  one,  and 
made  several  ineffectual  efforts  to  rescue  himself  and  the 
hysterical  woman ;  but  the  foundation  on  which  they  stood 
was  so  slimy  and  hard  that  they  could  scarcely  move  without 
falling. 

Ozelia  was  half  frightened  to  death,  but  Pelegon  reassured 
her  by  declaring  that  he  was  in  no  danger,  and  requesting 
her  to  go  for  me.  The  poor  girl  made  all  possible  haste, 
and  arrived  at  her  home  quite  exhausted,  just  as  the  storm, 
whose  approach  has  already  been  mentioned,  broke  forth  in 
great  fury. 

I  waited  only  to  provide  myself  with  a  rope  and  a  lantern, 
and  then,  following  the  direction  given  by  Ozelia,  tried  to 
find  the  foot-path  in  the  woods ;  but  so  dark  had  it  now 
become  that  I  was  lost  at  the  very  outset. 

Coming  near  to  John  Hotchkick's  house,  it  occurred  to 
me  that  nothing  better  could  be  done  than  to  draft  him  into 
the  service,  although  I  did  not  then  know  (for  Ozelia's  mind 
had  been  too  full  of  Pelegon  to  tell  me)  that  Mrs.  Hotch- 
kick  was  also  imbedded  in  the  slough. 

Without  designing  it  I  did  a  splendid  piece  of  detective 
work  ;  for  the  moment  Joha  Hotchkick  saw  me  with  a  rope 
in  my  hand,  and  heard  me  say  I  had  come  to  get  him  to 
show  me  the  way  into  the  woods,  he  turned  as  white  as  a 
ghost. 

"  I  did  n't  kill  any  one  !  "  stammered  he,  thrown  entirely 
off  his  guard. 

"  Ah  ! "  said  I ;  "so  you  think  I  have  come  with  a  crowd, 
to  hang  you  to  the  nearest  tree.  Not  quite  so  bad  as  that 


392  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

yet,  but  I  want  you  to  show  me  to  the  mire  pit,  for  Pelegon 
is  in  there  and  must  be  helped  out." 

"  That 's  none  of  my  business !  "  exclaimed  Hotchkick, 
immediately  recovering  his  courage,  and  adopting  his  natu 
rally  surly  tone. 

"Do  as  I  command  you,  without  wasting  words,"  I 
answered.  "  You  should  know  by  this  time  that  I  am  not 
a  man  to  be  trifled  with ;  especially,  by  you." 

"  But  the  cows  are  not  milked." 

"  Get  on  your  hat  and  come  along." 

"  I  can't  leave  my  wife.     She  's  sick  abed." 

"  She  will  be  enough  sight  better  off  without  you,"  I 
replied. 

"But  I  must  wait  till  the  shower  is  over,"  he  pleaded, 
"  for  this  rain  would  be  the  death  of  me." 

" Look  here ! "  said  I ;  "if  you  do  not  follow  me  this 
instant  I  will  give  this  rope  back  to  the  boys,  and  tell  them 
to  go  ahead  and  do  as  they  please  with  it." 

That  was  enough.  The  coward  submitted  like  a  whipped 
spaniel.  Where  shall  be  found  such  tyrannical  rule  as  that 
of  guilty  self-consciousness  ? 

Hotchkick  led  the  way  to  the  mire-hole,  and  I  threw  the 
rope  to  Pelegon,  whom  we  soon  pulled  ashore. 

"  "Who  is  with  you  ? "  I  demanded,  greatly  surprised  at 
seeing  another  form  faintly  revealed  by  the  dim  light  of  the 
lantern. 

"  It 's  me ! "  answered  the  woman  herself. 

Hotchkick  was  astonished. 

"  Ah,  I  see ! "  said  I,  turning  toward  him.  "You  told  me 
your  wife  was  sick  abed,  but  neglected  to  state  where  the 
bed  was  located.  However,  as  you  begged  the  privilege  of 
staying  with  her  you  now  have  the  opportunity."  And  I 


A   POINT  GAINED.  393 

could  scarcely  resist  the  temptation  of  shoving  him  at  once 
into  the  dirty  pool. 

Then  how  he  abused  his  poor  wife.  In  his  unchecked 
wrath  he  said  the  meanest  and  most  hatefel  things  to  her 
that  it  is  in  the  power  of  man  to  utter,  declaring  again  and 
again  that  she  gave  him  more  trouble  than  her  neck  was 
"wuth." 

"  Come,  come  ! "  said  I,  growing  more  and  more  impatient 
at  his  conduct ;  "  throw  the  rope  to  your  wife  and  pull  her 
out." 

He  hurled  the  rope  at  her  head  with  no  little  violence, 
and  commanded  her  to  "  ketch  holt." 

She  would  not  lift  a  hand.  She  had  the  sulks.  When 
I  undertook  to  reason  with  her  she  declared  she  would 
rather  stay  where  she  was  and  die  than  to  live  any  longer 
with  such  an  old  bear  as  John. 

I  admired  her  grit,  and  secretly  commended  her  choice. 
Indeed,  I  cannot  begin  to  describe  the  exalted  height  to 
which  that  woman  suddenly  rose  in  my  estimation.  I  knew 
then  that  she  was  not  wholly  irredeemable. 

"  I'll  fetch  her !  "  exclaimed  Hotchkick  ;  and  he  made  a 
noose  and  then  tried  to  lasso  her.  She  spitefully  threw  off 
the  rope  as  many  times  as  it  caught  her. 

"  If  yer  throw  it  off  agin,"  declared  he,  "  I'll  leave  yer 
thar  till  yer  dead ! " 

Again  she  removed  it. 

He  started  homeward. 

"  Hold !  "  said  I.  "  You  shall  not  leave  here  until  you 
rescue  your  wife.  It  is  your  own  fault  that  she  prefers 
death  to  your  company.  Had  you  spoken  one  word  of  kind 
ness  to  her  in  the  first  place,  the  trouble  would  now  be 
ended." 


MY   "WIPES   FOOL   OP   A    HUSBAND. 

"  "What  do  yer  want  done  ?  "  he  asked  in  surly  tones. 

"I  want  you  to  go  into  that  mud-hole  and  take  hold  of 
your  wife  gently,  and  then  Pelegon  and  I  will  pull  you  both 
out." 

"  I  won't  do  it !  "  he  muttered. 

"  Then,"  said  I,  "  this  rope  goes  back  to  the  loys." 

"  What  boys  ?  "  he  ventured  boldly  to  ask. 

" The  boys  who  loved  their  school-master"  I  replied  with 
impressive  earnestness,  my  eyes  fixed  keenly  on  his  counte 
nance  to  study  the  effect  of  my  words. 

As  I  anticipated,  the  betrayal  of  his  guilt  was  most  decid 
edly  marked.  It  was  a  good  night  for  detective  work. 

He  waited  to  hear  no  more,  but  rushed  desperately  toward 
his  wife,  and  was  fortunate  enough  to  keep  on  the  surface 
until  near  enough  to  reach  her.  In  trying  to  drag  her  out 
he  soon  went  down  to  her  level.  A  struggle  now  ensued, 
the  like  of  which  never  was  described  in  books.  First  one 
then  the  other  disappeared  and  re-appeared.  Twenty  years 
of  suppressed  tiger  found  sudden  vent  in  Mrs.  Hotchkick. 
All  that  time  the  man  had  lived  with  her  without  knowing 
her.  All  that  time  she  had  been  a  magazine  of  dynamite, 
which  matrimonial  oppression  had  succeeded  in  keeping 
dormant. 

In  about  two  minutes  Hotchkick  learned  more  concerning 
the  possibilities  of  womankind  than  he  had  ever  known 
before  in  his  life ;  and  at  the  end  of  that  brief  period  he 
was  as  full  of  mud  as  he  was  of  the  subject. 

But  every  earthly  exhibition,  no  matter  how  entertaining, 
must  come  to  an  end.  There  would  have  been  a  death  to 
record,  if  not  two,  had  not  Pelegon  and  I  skillfully  lassoed 
both  parties  and  drawn  them  to  land,  which  required  all  the 
strength  we  could  unitedly  exert. 


A   POINT   GAINED.  395 

"Now,  John  Hotchkick,  listen  to  me!"  said  the  irate 
woman,  as  soon  as  she  could  find  breath  to  speak.  "  Here 
after  you  '11  treat  me  decently  or  I'll  tell  the  whole  world 
jest  what  you  don't  want  told.  Do  you  understand  me  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  meekly  replied  the  man. 

"  And  do  you  promise  ?  " 

"  Yes." 

"  Shake  ! "  said  I,  enthusiastically,  as  I  extended  my  hand 
to  the  woman.  "  You  are  worthy  of  my  fondest  admiration." 

The  request  was  unnecessary,  for  she  was  already  shaking 
from  center  to  circumference,  but  she  extended  her  palm, 
and  I  heartily  enjoyed  grasping  it,  although  it  was  covered 
with  mire. 

"  I'm  very  sorry,"  she  said  to  me  in  low  tones,  when  her 
husband  had  strode  on  ahead,  "  that  you  are  to  leave  this 
neighborhood." 

"  Why  so  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"I  should  feel  safer  if  you — if  you — were  here." 

"  Business  calls  me  to  Colorado,"  I  observed. 

"  An'  shall  you  take  Pelegon  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  I'm  very,  very  sorry,"  she  answered  sadly. 

Next  evening  Pelegon  and  Ozelia  sat  alone  on  the  porch, 
and  communed  face  to  face,  hand  to  hand,  and  heart  to 
heart. 

"  Yes,  I  shall  come  back  as  soon  as  I  can,"  said  he,  "  but 
you  are  still  attending  school,  and  you  will  be  admired  by 
hosts  of  young  men,  and  forget  all  about  me." 

"  Not  so,"  answered  Ozelia.  "  I  am  now  old  enough  to 
know  my  own  mind,  and  I  am  certain  I  can  never  love 
another  with  that  perfection  of  love  which  I  have  given  to 

you." 

24 


396  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  And  will  you  promise  me,"  said  Pelegon,  "  that  whatever 
may  happen  you  will  be —  " 

"  Yes,"  replied  Ozelia,  divining  what  was  unspoken,  and 
having  heard  a  sound  near  by  which  hastened  her  answer. 

"  She  will  promise  nothing  of  the  sort ! "  exclaimed  Mr. 
Wordswell  in  a  stern  voice,  pushing  open  the  window  shut 
ters  immediately  behind  them.  "  Pelegon,  hearken  to  me," 
he  continued.  "  While  lam  willing  to  acknowledge  that 
you  are  an  honest,  conscientious,  and  kind-hearted  boy, 
nevertheless,  if  the  truth  must  be  told,  my  daughter  shall 
not  be  called  MBS.  JINNY  so  long  as  it  is  in  my  power  to 
prevent.  Besides,  she  is  as  yet  only  a  school-girl,  and  must 
not  have  her  young  and  tender  mind  occupied  with  any 
thing  but  her  studies.  It  is  my  duty  to  protect  her,  and  I 
will." 

"  You  are  right,"  said  Pelegon,  after  a  moment's  silence, 
"  and  I  ask  your  forgiveness  for  being  so  thoughtless  as  to 
forget  that  I  can  never  carry  my  hateful  name  into  respect 
able  society.  On  Ozelia's  own  account,  sir,  T  submit  to  your 
authority,  and  hence  will  not  ask  my  dearest  friend  to  share 
the  wrong  with  which  I  am  cursed." 

"  Come,  Ozelia,"  said  Mr.  Wordswell,  "  it  is  getting  late, 
and  you  had  better  go  into  the  house." 

"  Oh,  papa ! "  exclaimed  Ozelia,  rising  to  obey,  "  Pelegon 
has  promised  that  he  will  write  me  long  letters  about  his 
travels,  and  I  have  promised  to  answer  them.  Now,  papa, 
do  tell  us  that  we  may  correspond." 

"  No,"  replied  Mr.  Wordswell,  "  your  social  affiliation,  as 
well  as  every  other,  must  stop  at  once  and  forever." 

Never  before  had  these  two  young  persons  realized  how 
painfully  a  few  sharp  words  may  cut  the  sensitive  soul. 

In  the  days  that  followed,  after  great  changes  had  been 


A    POINT    GAINED.  397 

wrought,  Pelegon  remembered  that  he  had  attempted  to  ask 
Ozelia  to  become  his  companion  for  life,  and  that  a  sudden 
interruption  had  caused  the  girl  to  answer  "  yes,"  before  the 
question  was  finished.  Ozelia  also  remembered.  Was  it  an 
engagement  ?  If  so,  was  it  broken  off  ?  Neither  of  them 
was  quite  certain. 


CHAPTER    VIII. 

HUNTGILL. 

AFTER  a  pleasant  journey,  Pelegon  and  I  reached  Den 
ver,  and  established  our  headquarters  in  a  comfort 
able  boarding-house,  from  which  we  immediately  began 
making  excursions — frequently  of  several  days'  duration  — 
to  the  various  towns  and  parts  of  the  territory,  in  prosecu 
tion  of  our  search  for  Huntgill.  Our  intervals  of  rest — for 
the  constant  stage  and  horseback  traveling  were  very  fatigu 
ing — were  spent  in  Denver;  where,  in  repairing  our  ex 
hausted  energies,  we  greatly  enjoyed  the  most  delightful 
rides  on  most  delightful  avenues ;  beholding  the  grand 
panorama  of  the  white-capped  mountains,  forming  a  semi 
circle  extending  half  way  around  the  city,  and  where,  too, 
we  could  breathe  the  sweet,  invigorating,  and  healthful  air, 
as  it  came,  laden  with  the  perfume  of  pine,  hemlock,  and 
cedar. 

It  was  while  we  were  thus  enjoying  one  of  these  pleasant 
rides,  that  Pelegon  suddenly  seized  me  by  the  arm,  and  drew 
my  attention  to  a  man  on  the  sidewalk. 

"  Who  is  he  ?  "  I  inquired. 

Pelegon  was  so  excited  he  could  scarcely  reply. 

"  Watch  him !  Don't  let  him  get  away,  for  heaven's 
sake ! "  he  exclaimed  in  husky  tones. 

"  Do  you  know  him  ?    Have  you  seen  him  before  ?  " 

(398) 


HUNTGILL.  399 

"  Drive  on,"  said  Pelegon,  speaking  hurriedly,  and  giving 
no  heed  to  my  questions.  "  We  must  follow  him  at  a  dis 
tance,  and  keep  him  within  view,  at  all  hazards." 

A  more  forbidding  specimen  of  humanity  than  the  subject 
of  this  episode  one  seldom  sees.  He  was  short,  thick-set, 
and  exceedingly  muscular,  having  a  countenance  of  the  bull 
dog  cast.  His  dress  was  rather  extravagant,  while  the 
amount  of  jewelry  he  wore  indicated  that,  in  some  way,  he 
had  obtained  more  money  than  was  necessary  for  the  pro 
curement  of  his  daily  bread. 

"  Tell  me  who  he  is,"  I  demanded. 

"I  don't  know,"  replied  Pelegon. 

"  Then  why  this  agitation  ?" 

"  I  have  seen  him  before." 

"  When  ? " 

"  As  long  ago  as  I  can  remember.  He  is  the  very  man 
that  came  into  my  mind  when  I  was  drowning,  and  whom  I 
told  you  about." 

"  Are  you  sure  ?  "  asked  I,  my  own  interest  now  raised  to 
the  highest  pitch. 

"  Sure  as  I'm  alive ;  for  the  instant  my  eyes  rested  on 
him,  it  seemed  as  though  I  had  always  known  him,  and  I 
shuddered  all  over." 

While  we  thus  talked,  the  stranger  turned  into  a  liquor 
saloon,  and  was  lost  from  sight. 

"  Now  what  shall  we  do  ?  "  asked  Pelegon. 

"  Wait  a  moment,"  I  answered.  "  Let  us  consider  the 
case.  He  must  not  know  he  is  watched.  We  must  make 
his  acquaintance  without  his  suspecting  we  have  any 
design." 

Weeks  came  and  went. 

The  man  whom  Pelegon  and  I  had  seen  enter  the  saloon, 


400  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

and  whom  Pelegon  recognized  as  one  whose  countenance 
had  haunted  him  ever  since  his  infancy,  was  still  a  stranger, 
notwithstanding  the  well-studied  efforts  of  both  of  us  to 
make  his  acquaintance. 

So  extremely  reticent  was  he,  that  he  avoided  every  social 
approach  that  our  ingenuity  could  devise.  If  he  were  asked 
questions,  his  answers  were  given  in  gruff  monosyllables, 
generally  evasive  in  character,  while  on  matters  concerning 
his  personal  history  he  deigned  not  to  impart  any  informa 
tion. 

At  his  boarding-place,  his  landlady  knew  nothing  of  him 
except  that  he  paid  promptly  and  liberally  for  his  accommo 
dations,  was  quiet  and  peaceable,  attending  strictly  to  his 
own  business,  which  was — nobody  knew  what. 

The  saloon-keepers  reported  that  he  was  a  good  fellow, 
rather  odd  in  his  ways,  spent  money  freely,  drank  hard,  but 
was  never  drunk,  gambled  a  little,  but  kept  equally  cool 
whether  he  lost  or  won,  and  was  altogether  too  good  a  cus 
tomer  to  lose. 

The  "  oldest  citizen,"  however,  being  thoroughly  disinter 
ested,  did  not  hesitate  to  reveal  some  well-grounded  suspi 
cions  against  the  character  of  this  person,  who,  he  said,  had 
been  hanging  'round  the  city  for  several  years. 

"  What  is  his  name  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  It  changes  like  the  leper's  spots,"  replied  the  "  oldest 
citizen  ; "  "  but  as  long  ago  as  I  fust  knowed  him,  he  was 
called  Huntgill ;  and  at  that  time  he  belonged  to  a  gang  of 
three  or  four  as  bloodthirsty  outlaws  as  these  parts  were 
ever  afflicted  with." 

"  Huntgill !  "  exclaimed  Pelegon.  "  That 's  the  very  name 
Lou  Cra  so  often  repeats  in  her  muttering;  and  she  has 
always  told  me  to  find  him." 


HUNTGILL.  401 

"  What  became  of  Huntgill's  partners  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"  Wai,  I  reckon  they  disappeared  about  as  suddently  as 
men  ever  did,"  answered  the  "  oldest  citizen."  "  Ye  see, 
pard,  this  gang  of  desp'radoes  was  partic'larly  hard  on 
adventurers,  who  felt  obleeged  to  pass  through  here  on  their 
way  up  the  mountains,  where  they  expected  to  make  their 
fortunes.  If  they  fetched  money  with  'em  from  hum,  they 
sometimes  did  n't  go  any  further  than  this  town.  But  if 
they  went  through  into  the  minin'  regions,  and  were  lucky 
enough  to  find  anything  worth  while,  they  stood  a  putty 
good  chance  of  bein'  overhauled  on  their  way  back.  And 
the  poortry  of  the  thing  is,  that  them  what  was  stopped  was 
stopped  forever ;  an'  they  had  mothers  an'  sisters,  an'  what 
ye  call  sweethearts  at  hum,  who  waited  an'  waited,  an'  don't 
know  till  this  day  what's  the  matter." 

One  day  Pelegon  and  I  were  riding  on  horseback  toward 
the  mountains,  when  we  saw  Huntgill,  also  on  horseback, 
some  distance  ahead.  He  occasionally  glanced  behind  him, 
and  no  sooner  did  he  discover  that  he  was  followed  than  he 
put  spurs  to  his  horse,  and  a  few  minutes  later  was  lost 
from  sight. 

"  It  is  evident,"  said  I,  "  that  he  does  not  intend  to  be 
overtaken.  Let  us  examine  the  footprints  of  his  horse,  that 
we  may  be  able  to  trace  his  course." 

We  pressed  forward  vigorously,  and  succeeded  at  last  in 
tracking  the  man  into  a  narrow  gorge  whose  walls  on  either 
side  were  at  least  a  thousand  feet  high  and  almost  perpen 
dicular.  Indeed,  there  were  places  where  rocks  completely 
overhung  the  trail,  shutting  out  all  the  rays  of  the  noon-day 
sun.  Evidently  the  ravine  was  not  much  frequented,  for 
the  path,  if  path  it  could  be  called,  was  blocked  with  numer 
ous  boulders,  so  large  that  our  horses  could  hardly  be  forced 


402  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

to  jump  over  them.  A  small  stream  rattled  and  tumbled 
along  through  the  deep  defile,  and  this  it  was  necessary  to 
cross  and  recross  many  times,  while  the  walls  of  the  gorge 
were  so  close  together  that  in  places  the  rivulet  washed 
them  both. 

"  Stop ! "  said  Pelegon,  scarcely  above  a  whisper,  as  we 
rounded  a  turn  in  the  chasm.  "  There  he  is !  At  least, 
there  is  his  horse  tied  to  a  tree." 

"  Doubtless  he  is  lying  in  ambush,  awaiting  our  coming," 
said  I,  not  being  endowed  with  that  blind  defiance  of  danger 
which  had  taken  sudden  possession  of  Pelegon.  "  I  think 
we  had  better  not  go  any  farther,  just  at  present,  for  '  dis 
cretion  is  the  better  part  of  valor.' ': 

"  I  cannot  follow  any  such  advice,"  answered  the  boy  has 
tily.  "  I  must  and  will  go  forward.  This  is  the  man  who 
carried  me  to  Hotchkick's,  who  has  haunted  all  my  dreams, 
and  it  is  he  who  knows  what  it  is  my  right  to  know,  con 
cerning  myself.  I  must  go  to  him  now,  for  it  may  soon  be 
too  late." 

"  Then  you  shall  not  go  alone,"  I  answered. 

We  continued  on  till  we  reached  the  tree  to  which  Hunt- 
gill's  horse  was  tied,  and  directly  in  front  we  discovered 
where  a  large  rock  had  been  riven  from  the  cliff  above  and 
rolled  down  into  the  trail,  making  it  impossible  for  the 
animal  to  proceed. 

However,  as  footmen  could  easily  clamber  over  the  obstruc 
tion,  we  dismounted,  secured  our  horses,  and  pursued  our 
journey  on  foot,  with  as  little  delay  as  possible. 

Seeing  nothing  of  Huntgill,  although  keeping  a  constant 
and  cautious  watch,  we  were  soon  surprised  at  coming  to 
the  head  of  the  gorge,  where  a  beautiful  waterfall,  all  tat 
tered  and  torn,  leaped  from  a  height  of  four  or  five  hundred 


HUNTGILL.  403 

feet.  Here  we  must  stop ;  for  any  further  advance  was 
impossible.  Where,  then,  was  the  man  we  sought  ?  Since 
entering  the  deep  ravine  there  had  been  no  place  visible 
where  a  human  being  could  climb  the  precipitous  walls,  and 
to  have  passed  a  person  in  such  narrow  confines  •without 
seeing  him  was  scarcely  conceivable. 

After  pausing  a  few  moments,  vainly  endeavoring  to  solve 
the  mystery,  we  returned  to  the  place  where  the  horses  had 
been  left,  only  to  be  again  nonplussed  at  finding  neither 
Huntgill  nor  his  beast.  All  was  silent  as  the  tomb,  save 
the  constant  rumbling  of  the  mountain-born  creek,  as  it  hur 
ried  from  the  shady  rift  to  the  open  fields,  seeking,  as  it 
were,  eternal  rest  in  its  ocean  home. 

Late  in  the  evening,  when  we  returned  to  the  city,  we 
learned  that  Huntgill  had  arrived  an  hour  before,  that  he 
had  delivered  the  horse  to  its  owner,  paying  liberally  there 
for,  while  no  one  could  tell  where  he  had  been  or  why  he 
went. 

"  My  theory  is  this,"  said  I  to  Pelegon,  when  we  had  been 
refreshed  by  a  night  of  much-needed  rest.  "  Up  in  that 
gorge  there  is  a  cave  where  a  man  may  hide  himself.  That 
cave  very  likely  contains  a  large  quantity  of  stolen  gold. 
Its  situation  must  be  between  the  place  where  the  horse  was 
tied  and  the  waterfall  at  which  we  were  stopped.  As  this 
distance  is  only  about  half  a  mile  —  " 

"  We  can  find  the  cave ! "  exclaimed  Pelegon,  all  aglow 
with  excitement. 

More  easily  said  than  accomplished. 

Day  after  day  we  searched  diligently  for  Huntgill's  secret 
resort  in  the  great  gorge  of  the  mountain,  but  nothing  was 
discovered  except  the  mere  mouth  of  a  cave,  into  which  one 
could  pass  but  a  few  feet  before  coming  in  contact  with  a 


404  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

stone,  around  or  over  which,  nothing  larger  than  a  cat  could 
crawl,  while  owing  to  its  great  size  and  firmness,  it  was 
pronounced  an  immovable  barrier. 

"  What  must  be  our  next  move  ?  "  asked  Pelegon. 

"  It  is  quite  certain,"  said  I,  that  we  are  throwing  away 
time  in  trying  to  find  HuntgilPs  cave.  Why  not  wait  till 
he  goes  again,  and  have  him  show  it  to  us.  I  have  ascer 
tained  at  the  livery  stable  that  whenever  he  decides  to  take 
one  of  his  long  and  solitary  rides  he  invariably  engages  his 
horse  on  the  evening  before  starting.  A  judicious  invest 
ment  of  money  and  caution  on  our  part  will  be  sufficient  to 
enable  us  to  find  out  from  the  hostler  when  Huntgill  is  ready 
to  start  on  his  next  journey.  Without  waiting  for  daylight, 
we  can  get  off  before  him,  hasten  to  the  mountains  and 
secrete  ourselves  at  the  summit  of  the  precipice,  where  we 
can  be  ready  when  he  arrives,  to  overlook  all  his  movements. 
How  does  that  plan  strike  you  ?  " 

"It  is  perfect!"  exclaimed  Pelegon,  his  every  feature 
beaming  with  the  prospect  of  speedy  success. 


CHAPTER  IX. 

THAT  HORRID  NAME. 

A  VERY  charming  young  lady,  tall  and  stately  in  form, 
-/TJL  graceful  in  every  movement,  animated  in  every  fea 
ture,  healthful  in  every  nerve  and  fiber,  modest  in  every 
expression,  having  light  brown  wavy  hair,  deep  blue  eyes, 
into  whose  rich  depths  no  ravished  vision  could  sufficiently 
penetrate,  rosy  lips,  quite  suggestive  of  sweetest  kisses,  so 
near  and  yet  so  far,  a  smooth,  white,  artistic  hand,  which 
one  could  scarcely  touch  without  feeling  an  indefinable 
thrill,  excellent  conversational  powers,  a  naturally  merry 
heart,  and  an  ever-aspiring  intellect,  both  of  which  were 
tempered  with  religious  intuition, — in  fact,  a  woman  whose 
excellent  qualities  and  beautiful  spirit  might  adorn  and 
glorify  an  angel, —  such  was  Ozelia  Wordswell. 

"Nature  was  here  so  lavish  of  her  store 
That  she  bestowed  until  she  had  no  more." 

The  earthly  affection  in  which  Ozelia  lived,  moved,  and 
had  her  being  was  kept  in  sacred  charge, — kept  night  and 
day,  kept  amid  sunshine  and  storm,  kept  in  its  integrity, 
even  while  men  of  reputation,  rank,  and  fortune  sought, 
asked,  kneeled,  pleaded,  and  prayed  for  it,  kept  constantly 
and  forever — for  one  who  was  absent,  for  one  who  could  boast 
no  reputation,  rank,  or  fortune,  and  whose  very  name  was 
a  blighting  curse. 

(405) 


406  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Such  is  the  independent  spirit  of  true  love.  Such  is 
woman  at  her  best.  Such  was  Ozelia  Words  well.  Yet  the 
time  was  not  far  away  when  temptation  and  frailty  should 
meet  and  triumph  in  the  very  citadel  of  her  heart. 

Pelegon  Jinny  had  steadily  grown  in  affection  toward 
Ozelia,  notwithstanding  he  was  not  permitted  even  to  write 
to  her.  But  does  any  one  suppose  they  did  not  correspond, 
and  in  a  way,  too,  that  no  earthly  power  can  prohibit  ? 
They  did.  The  God  in  whom  we  live  is  the  same  great  soul 
in  whom  our  loved  ones  live.  There  is  no  gulf  between 
them  and  us  which  affection  cannot  bridge.  A  mother  has 
seen  the  death  agony  of  her  son  as  clearly  as  though  it  were 
before  her  eyes,  although  living  mother  and  dying  son  were 
hundreds  of  miles  apart. 

Bathe  and  purify  the  spirit  of  man  in  the  spirit  of  love,  or 
of  God,  until  finite  and  infinite  can  commingle  without  any 
friction  of  earthly  properties,  and  immediately  a  kind  of  tel 
egraphic  communication  is  established  whose  extensions  are 
immeasurable.  Some  share  in  this  grand  unity  which  love 
produces  is  occasionally  vouchsafed  to  man,  and  thus  there 
are  souls  whom  seas  or  mountains  can  never  separate.  To 
those  who  are  thus  favored  the  world,  in  a  sense,  is  already 
destroyed,  the  day  of  judgment  is  past,  and,  even  here  on 
earth,  they  have  entered  into  that  spiritual  rest  which  could 
never  be  perfect  so  long  as  there  were  dusty  paths  to  travel, 
high  walls  to  climb,  and  stormy  waters  to  cross,  ere  a  friend 
could  meet  a  friend. 

The  noble  youth  in  the  Rocky  Mountains  and  the  beauti 
ful  girl  on  the  Atlantic  shore,  each  thought,  loved,  and  lived 
in  that  wonderful  current  which  runs  both  ways  at  once, 
and  every  thought  and  every  deep  emotion  of  the  one  met 
and  embraced  every  thought  and  deep  emotion  of  the  other, 


THAT   HORRID   NAME.  407 

till  soul  itself  was  touched  by  soul,  and  both  were  united  in 
bonds  inseparable.  Thus  it  is  that  the  most  sacred  intimacy 
is  often  born  of  absence,  and  promoted  by  distance. 

But,  alas !  earth  is  not  yet  heaven,  and  heaven  is  terribly 
buffeted  whenever  it  would  set  up  its  reign  on  earth. 

To  what  extent  are  parents  justified  in  attempting  to  con 
trol  the  affections  of  their  daughters  ?  This  is  a  question  no 
one  can  answer.  To  interfere  in  the  slightest  degree  is 
dangerous,  while  to  arbitrarily  oppose  is  often  fatal.  Yet 
there  are  instances,  and  they  are  not  rare,  in  which  love  is 
counterfeit,  desire  is  passion  of  the  baser  sort,  courtship  is 
flirtation,  plighted  troth  is  romance,  kissing  is  intoxication, 
the  marriage  altar  a  novelty,  and  matrimony  itself  an  exper 
iment.  When,  at  last,  the  reckless  experiment  has  been 
fairly  tried,  when  the  gold-fringed  cloth  on  the  altar  has 
been  taken  away,  when  kissing  has  ceased  to  be  even  a 
momentary  effervescence  of  feeling,  when  the  hastily-plighted 
word  has  gone  the  way  of  other  words  equally  idle,  when 
passion  has  proved  itself  to  be  passion,  simply  that  and 
nothing  more,  when  flirtation  has  lost  all  charm,  except  it 
be  transferred  to  forbidden  ground,  when  courtship  is  trans 
formed  into  the  common  bickering  of  low  life — when  this  is 
all  that  is  left  of  matrimony,  and  when  the  parent  has  had 
the  judgment  to  foresee  that  this  would  be  all,  who  shall 
condemn  him  for  having  sternly  said  to  his  cherished  daugh 
ter,  "  It  shall  not  be !  You  do  not  know  your  own  heart. 
You  exist  under  a  delusion,  and  until  your  eyes  are  opened 
you  must  submit  to  authority  "  ? 

Yet,  even  when  such  is  the  case,  there  are  few  to  sing  the 
stern  parent's  praise. 

Why  not  let  the  girl  take  her  course  ?  Oppose  her,  and 
the  chances  are  she  will  do  worse.  She  is  like  a  flame 


408  MY   WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 

which  is  almost  in  contact  with  a  magazine  of  terrible 
explosives.  Will  you  rush  forward  and  combat  the  fire? 
It  may  open  your  grave.  Will  you  turn  from  it  ?  Still  it 
may  open  your  grave.  Unfortunate  fathers  and  mothers ! 
Whichever  course  you  may  decide  to  take,  we  have  no  cen 
sure  to  bestow.  Where  angels  pity,  men  should  not  con 
demn. 

One  day,  when  Mr.  Wordswell  and  his  daughter  were 
conversing  together  in  that  spirit  of  freedom  which  should 
always  be  encouraged  between  parent  and  child,  but 
which,  nevertheless,  came  at  last  to  be  discouraged  by  Mr. 
Wordswell,  he  said: 

"  No,  Ozelia,  you  shall  never,  never  marry  that  man,  while 
I  have  power  to  interpose  my  will.  I  tell  you  to  forget  him, 
and  never  again  even  to  mention  his  disagreeable  name  in 
my  presence.  You  see,  we  must  have  some  family  pride. 
There,  now,  let  us  not  discuss  the  matter  any  further.  You 
know  my  decision,  and  are  sufficiently  discreet,  I  trust,  to 
respect  it.  Before  my  only  child  should  marry  a  Jinny,  I 
would — but  why  make  threats?  The  emergency  will  not 
arise.  Good  night,  my  daughter.  Remember  that  it  is 
only  because  I  greatly  love  you  that  I  so  strenuously  guard 
your  own  best  welfare.  Please  do  not  weep ;  and  forgive 
me  if  I  have  spoken  more  harshly  than  I  should." 


CHAPTER  X. 

CAUGHT  AT  LAST. 

HUNTGILL  had  left  notice  at  the  livery  stable  that  he 
would  call   for  the   fastest   horse  early  the    next 
morning. 

Pelegon  and  I  started  several  hours  before  daylight,  and 
quietly  headed  our  steeds  toward  Platte  Canon.  With  some 
difficulty  we  climbed  the  mountain,  resting  not  till  we  found 
a  place  on  the  brow  of  the  cliff  where  we  could  see  into  the 
deep  gorge  without  danger  of  being  discovered. 

In  due  time  Huntgill  rode  into  the  ravine  and  secured  his 
horse  to  the  same  tree  to  which  he  had  tied  him  on  a  pre 
vious  occasion,  as  described  in  these  pages. 

This  done,  he  stood  for  a  few  moments  looking  cautiously 
up  and  down  the  gorge,  and  then,  having  satisfied  himself 
that  no  one  was  near,  went  quickly  to  the  very  cave  which 
we  had  once  examined,  and  which  we  had  decided  could  not 
be  entered,  on  account  of  the  huge  stone  that  obstructed  the 
passage. 

It  might  have  been  half  an  hour  before  Huntgill  again 
appeared,  when  he  immediately  untied  his  horse,  mounted, 
and  rode  swiftly  away. 

We  now  descended  by  a  circuitous  route,  resolved  on 
revisiting  the  strange  cave  in  quest  of  new  developments. 

(409) 


410  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Coming  to  the  underground  chamber  we  discovered  that 
fresh  dirt  had  been  piled  against  the  base  of  the  stone  which 
barred  the  entrance.  When  we  had  removed  this  we  saw 
that  the  great  stone  was  nicely  balanced  on  a  pivot,  and 
could  be  easily  turned,  were  it  not  that  it  was  firmly  braced 
on  the  inner  side.  To  reach  under  the  stone  and  remove 
the  iron  bar  that  held  it,  was  but  the  work  of  a  moment, 
and  then  it  was  swung  around  on  its  central  point  until  an 
entrance  could  be  effected. 

It  must  have  required  many  strong  hands  to  place  this 
stone  in  the  position  it  occupied,  for  evidently  it  was  done 
by  human  ingenuity  rather  than  by  any  freak  of  Nature. 

No  sooner  were  we  fairly  in  the  cave  than  we  found  that 
it  divided  into  three  branches,  each  of  which  extended  into 
unrelieved  darkness. 

Fortunately  matches  had  been  brought,  and  a  light  was 
readily  made. 

The  cave  proved  to  be  even  a  greater  object  of  interest 
than  I  had  anticipated.  Two  or  three  hundred  feet  from 
the  entrance,  and  at  the  extreme  end  of  the  longest  branch, 
behind  a  pile  of  stones,  some  of  which  had  to  be  removed, 
we  found  various  well-filled  trunks,  satchels,  and  boxes. 
Here  was  gold,  in  rich  specimens  of  ore,  in  nuggets,  and  in 
dust.  Here  were  silver  bricks,  and  a  large  number  of  such 
precious  stones  as  the  Rocky  Mountains  afford.  Here  were 
miners'  tools  and  clothing,  and  here  were  letters  and  memen 
toes  that  spoke  of  home  and  those  for  whom  home  had 
mournfully  waited  through  many  painful  years.  Here, 
indeed,  was  a  robber's  den,  well  furnished  with  the  spoils  of 
many  a  crime.  Here  was  an  explanation  of  the  agonizing 
statement  which  has  been  often  heard  in  our  Eastern  States  : 


CAUGHT   AT  LAST.  411 

"  He  went  to  the  mines  ;  he  wrote  us  that  he  should  soon  be 
home ;  but  we  have  never  heard  from  him  since." 

I  thought  of  this,  and  my  soul  was  moved  with  sadness, 
horror,  and  indignation. 

Both  Pelegon  and  I,  beginning  to  grow  faint  in  the 
unwholesome  air,  started  in  haste  to  leave  the  cave.  An 
ominous  shadow  darkened  the  entrance.  At  the  same 
instant  we  recognized  Huntgill.  I  drew  my  revolver,  but 
was  too  late  to  prevent  the  criminal  from  pushing  the  bal 
ance  stone  around  so  that  it  completely  cut  off  our  exit. 
With  all  our  might  we  threw  ourselves  against  it,  only  to 
find  that  it  was  now  firmly  braced  on  the  outside.  Hope 
died  within  our  hearts.  What  mercy  could  we  expect  at 
the  hands  of  this  desperado,  since  we  had  madded  him  by 
intruding  into  his  lair  ? 

How  he  had  chanced  to  return  and  find  us,  —  whether  he 
had  forgotten  something  that  brought  him  back,  or  had  lin 
gered  in  the  gorge  on  purpose  to  watch  for  enemies  until  he 
saw  us  enter  his  secret  den, — we  never  knew. 

No  sooner  did  the  prospect  of  starving  to  death  present 
itself  than  we  began  to  feel  hungry,  although  it  was  yet  two 
hours  before  dinner-time.  At  the  top  of  our  voices  we 
shouted  for  assistance,  hoping  that  some  tourist  might  be 
passing,  but  only  wasted  our  breath,  for  the  gorge  in  which 
the  cave  was  situated  opened  off  from  the  more  attractive 
canon  of  the  Platte,  and  was  seldom  frequented  by  visitors. 

Huntgill  himself,  who  remained  much  of  the  time  near 
enough  to  hear  our  agonizing  cries,  deigned  no  response. 

Three  cruel  days  and  hopeless  nights  dragged  on,  and 
then  we  gave  up  to  despair.  Pelegon  became  temporarily 
insane.  By  the  dim  light  of  a  little  opening  in  the  cave  I 
could  see  his  eyes  glare  in  their  sockets  like  those  of  a  wild 

25 


412  MY  WIPE'S  FOOL   OF   A   HUSBAND. 

beast.  He  raved  continually  about  Ozelia,  and  about  the 
good  name  he  could  bring  to  her  if  Huntgill's  testimony 
could  once  be  taken. 

My  own  thoughts  and  painful  fancies  were  devoted  to 
Augusta  and  the  children,  although  poor  Pelegon  rapidly 
grew  worse  and  required  all  the  attention  I  could  bestow. 

About  this  time  we  captured  a  little  screech-owl.  I  have 
never  eaten  anything  that  tasted  so  fine.  I  was  convinced 
that  the  whole  world  would  be  infinitely  more  happy  if  it 
would  confine  itself  to  a  diet  of  raw  owl,  without  pepper  or 
salt.  It  was  my  serious  purpose,  in  case  I  should  escape 
from  that  prison  alive,  to  devote  the  remainder  of  my  days 
to  advocating  owls  for  table  use,  and  to  breeding  them  for 
the  market.  How  different  we  feel  under  different  circum 
stances!  Is  it  not  true  that  our  surroundings  make  us 
wholly  what  we  are  ?  If  so,  and  if  in  some  future  life  our 
surroundings  shall  be  infinitely  better  than  they  are  here, 
will  it  require  any  miracle  to  make  us  infinitely  better  than 
we  are  now  ? 

I  don't  know. 

The  owl-meat  made  both  of  us  serious  and  increased  our 
wisdom,  so  that  we  reflected  on  our  impending  fate,  and 
tried  to  make  peace  with  our  better  selves,  in  order  that 
they  might  not  rise  up  in  judgment  against  us  on  the  last 
day.  There  is  nothing  like  keeping  on  good  terms  with 
one's  better  self.  It  is  the  final  arbiter  of  one's  destiny. 

"  Let  us  trust  in  the  Lord,"  said  Pelegon. 

"  Yes,  and  keep  our  powder  dry,"  I  replied,  as  I  opened  a 
canister  I  had  just  discovered,  filled  with  a  coarse,  gritty 
substance.  When  I  had  tasted  of  it,  I  was  ready  to  shout 
for  joy,  for  I  knew  it  was  the  one  thing  I  wanted  above  all 
others. 


CAUGHT   AT  LAST.  413 

Luckily,  I  had  a  few  matches  left,  and  my  plans  for  deliv 
erance  were  soon  laid.  Scraping  out  the  loose  dirt  from 
under  one  corner  of  the  stone  which  shut  us  in,  I  embedded 
the  canister  as  much  as  possible,  then  solidly  packed  the 
earth  about  it,  having  first  connected  it  with  a  fuse  made  of 
my  pocket-handkerchief,  into  which  I  had  put  just  enough 
powder  to  carry  a  spark  slowly  along  from  end  to  end. 

The  end  of  the  fuse  having  been  lighted,  we  both  retreated 
to  a  safe  distance,  and  prayed  fervently  for  success,  when  a 
terrific  explosion  occurred.  Through  smoke  and  dust  we 
tumbled  over  each  other,  in  our  haste  to  see  what  had  been 
wrought. 

Who  can  tell  our  feelings  as  a  great  flood  of  light  broke 
in  upon  us  from  the  outer  world. 

The  huge  stone  had  been  thrown  from  its  pivot,  and  lay 
unbroken  on  its  broad  side.  Oh,  how  blessed  is  light! 
When  the  universe  first  awoke  in  response  to  the  divine 
command,  "  Let  there  be  light,"  it  could  not  have  been  any 
happier  than  we  were  now,  and  I  doubt  whether  it  felt  any 
bigger.  How  it  magnifies  one  to  achieve  a  great  thing! 

As  we  clambered  over  the  prostrate  stone,  our  ears  were 
greeted  with  the  sound  of  groaning.  At  first,  the  light 
blinded  our  eyes,  but  as  soon  as  we  could  see  clearly  we  dis 
covered  that  Huntgill  was  held  fast  to  the  ground,  his  right 
arm  being  crushed  beneath  the  stone.  Somehow,  wicked 
ness  always  gets  overtaken  at  last. 

It  was  pitiable  to  hear  this  hardened  sinner  plead.  Bad 
as  he  was,  I  would  have  relieved  him  from  pain  had  it  been 
in  my  power.  Justice  may  be  better  than  men,  but  men  are 
more  tender. 

As  soon  as  Pelegon  and  I  had  drunk  water  from  the 
creek,  and  eaten  a  few  ripe  berries  to  satisfy  the  keener 


414  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

pangs  of  thirst  and  hunger,  we  turned  our  whole  attention 
to  the  wretched  prisoner. 

"Where  were  you  seventeen  years  ago  last  November? "  I 
demanded  of  him  without  any  preliminaries. 

"  I  can't  remember,"  said  he.     "  Help  me  out  of  this." 

"  But  you  must  remember,"  I  replied,  "  or  we  will  keep 
you  here  till  you  perish.  Did  you  not  at  that  time  have 
something  to  do  with  a  child  which  was  not  your  own  ? " 

"  Yes  —  no,  I  did  n't  either,  come  to  think." 

"  Be  careful,  now.  We  are  not  here  for  the  purpose  of 
being  deceived.  Your4 yes'  came  from  what  little  inno 
cence  you  have  left,  while  'no'  was  an  after-thought,  born 
of  fear.  Tell  me,  now,  what  you  finally  did  with  the  child." 

"I  took  him  to  a  farm  in  Swampton,  as  the  preacher 
advised." 

"  What  preacher  ?  " 

"  Don't  know." 

"  Was  there  a  note  fastened  to  the  child's  clothing  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"  Anything  else  ?  " 

«  Yes." 

"What?" 

"Money." 

"How  much?" 

"  A  hundred  dollars  in  gold ;  and  if  I  had  not  been  an 
honest  man  I  should  have  kept  it." 

"  Who  wrote  that  note  ?" 

"Mrs.  Solett." 

"  Who  furnished  her  with  its  glaring  falsehoods  ?  " 

"The  whole  thing  was  gotten  up  by  her  lawyer." 

"  What  was  his  name  ?  " 

"  Blackwit." 


HUHTGILL  CONFKSSKS. 


CAUGHT   AT  LAST.  417 

"  Is  he  living  yet  ? " 

"I  suppose  so." 

"  Where  ? " 

"In  Boston." 

"  For  what  purpose  was  the  note  written  ? " 

"  To  keep  the  boy  in  the  dark." 

"  Exactly ! "  exclaimed  I ;  "  but  it  has  failed,  at  last,  to 
accomplish  its  object,  and  the  boy  is  now  hunting  up  his 
parentage,  with  every  prospect  of  success.  You  can  help 
him  in  this  matter ;  and  if  you  reveal  all  that  you  know 
concerning  it,  villain  that  you  are,  you  shall  have  your 
reward ;  but  if  you  make  the  slightest  attempt  to  deceive  or 
to  thwart  me  in  my  purpose,  you  shall  answer  with  your  life 
for  the  crimes  that  can  be  proved  against  you.  Do  you 
understand  me  ?  " 

"  Yes.     Go  on." 

"  Who  were  the  parents  of  the  child  ?  " 

"I  forget." 

"  Have  you  told  me  all  you  know  about  him  ?" 

"  Yes.     Now  help  me  to  get  away  from  here." 

"  Do  not  be  so  impatient,"  I  replied.  "  Your  memory 
may  grow  stronger  vas  your  stomach  grows  weaker.  Besides, 
it  is  possible  to  exist  three  or  four  days  without  eating  or 
drinking,  and  in  great  mental  distress;  for  this  boy,  on 
whose  infancy  you  once  laid  your  foul  hands,  and  I,  have 
just  been  trying  the  experiment.  Remain  where  you  are, 
therefore,  till  we  can  return  to  the  city  and  notify  a  surgeon 
of  your  necessities,  for  it  would  be  impossible  for  us  to 
remove  you.  Certain  officers  of  the  law  will  also  be 
requested  to  pay  you  a  visit  at  the  same  time." 


CHAPTER  XI. 

THE   UNGUARDED   HOUR. 

A  YOUTH  whose  name  was  Edwin  Longworth,  and 
who  was  about  Pelegon's  age,  was  in  a  fair  way  to 
become  Pelegon's  successful  rival. 

He  lived  in  Boston,  and  had  first  met  Ozelia  when  she 
was  attending  school  near  that  city. 

Unluckily  for  Pelegon,  Edwin  Longworth  was  a  pure- 
minded,  noble-hearted  lad,  much  handsomer  than  Pelegon, 
more  brilliant  in  gallantry,  more  graceful  in  manner,  more 
sparkling  and  witty  in  conversation,  and  far  more  demon 
strative  in  affection.  Besides  possessing  all  these  advan 
tages  he  was  in  high  favor  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Wordswell, 
was  the  child  of  wealthy  and  honorable  parents,  and  could 
lay  claim  to  having  already  won  considerable  esteem  from 
Ozelia  herself. 

Considering  all  of  these  circumstances,  it  is  not  greatly 
surprising  that  Ozelia  felt  somewhat  inclined  to  follow  the 
course  which  the  world  seemed  to  have  marked  out  for  her. 
She  was  a  pure-souled,  high-minded  girl,  and  her  love  for 
Pelegon  was  probably  as  deep  as  that  of  any  ordinary  earthly 
mortal ;  yet  she  was  not  perfect,  nor  was  her  heart  infallible. 
Affection  itself  cannot  always  be  trusted.  Attachments,  as 
well  as  leaves  and  angels,  have  their  time  to  fall.  There 
*  (418) 


THE  UNGUAEDED   HOUR.  419 

are  moments  when  love  cannot  be  shaken ;  but  there  are 
other  and  different  moments. 

Edwin  Longworth  had  become  a  constant  visitor  at  Mr. 
Wordswell's.  In  spring-time  he  pretended  to  have  great 
fondness  for  the  meadow  cranberries,  which,  having  been 
left  on  the  vines  to  freeze,  were  quite  sweet  and  juicy. 
Then  there  were  checkerberries  and  wild  strawberries,  fol 
lowed  by  dewberries,  blackberries,  raspberries,  low  and  high 
blueberries,  whortleberries,  and  afterwards  chestnuts,  butter 
nuts,  and  hickory  nuts.  When  the  season  for  these  had 
passed,  he  came  with  fishing-tackle  for  two,  and  invited 
Ozelia  to  boat-rides  on  the  Concord  River.  When  winter 
set  in  he  came  again  with  two  pairs  of  skates,  and  if  the 
weather  were  unfavorable  for  out-door  sports,  he  would  set 
the  chess-men,  and  challenge  Ozelia  to  a  contest  in  that 
royal  game.  On  the  whole,  there  was  no  time  in  the  year 
when  there  was  not  some  attraction  to  bring  him  to  Swamp- 
ton,  although  the  chief  attraction  was  always  the  young  lady 
herself. 

Mr.  and  Mrs.  Words  well  designedly  encouraged  the  city 
youth,  for  they  knew  he  had  excellent  family  connections, 
and  gave  promise  of  rising  in  the  world  to  honorable  distinc 
tion.  Besides,  they  were  anxious  that  Ozelia  should  form 
this  new  attachment,  through  which  her  interest  in  Pelegon 
would  be  lost,  thus  saving  her  from  the  objectionable  name. 

As  we  have  said,  Edwin  Longworth  had  many  of  the 
qualities  of  a  desirable  suitor.  The  conditions  for  growing 
affection  between  him  and  Ozelia  could  scarcely  have  been 
more  favorable.  Side  by  side,  and  wholly  unmolested  by 
others,  they  roamed  through  glen  and  dale,  o'er  hill  and 
stream. 

At  no  other  time  did  Ozelia  have  such  marked  success  as 


420  MY  WIFE'S   FOOL   OF   A    HUSBAND. 

when  she  went  berrying  with  Edwin.  She  did  not  know 
that  he  often  slyly  dropped  whole  handfuls  of  fruit  into  her 
basket,  so  that  it  might  be  filled  as  soon  as  his  own.  Neither 
did  she  mistrust  that  when  he  led  the  way  over  rough  and 
stony  places,  where  clambering  was  exceedingly  difficult, 
under  pretense  of  finding  larger  or  riper  berries  beyond,  his 
real  motive  was  none  other  than  to  have  some  excuse  for 
taking  her  by  the  hand  in  rendering  her  needed  assistance. 
Nor  was  she  aware  how  his  manly  heart  throbbed  in  exquis 
ite  bliss  when,  in  lifting  her  over  the  jagged  stone  wall,  he 
would  firmly  enfold  her  graceful  form  in  his  strong  arms. 

Undoubtedly  he  loved  the  girl  with  that  overpowering 
devotion  of  soul  which  is  born  of  first  experience.  Each 
freshly-budding  emotion  of  his  young  affectionate  nature 
came  as  a  glad  surprise,  revealing  a  new  heaven  on  a  new 
earth. 

Ozelia  probably  would  have  loved  him  with  the  same  irre 
sistible  instinct,  but  her  heart,  which  was  as  yet  steady  and 
true,  constantly  reminded  her  that  it  was  given  to  another. 

Let  no  one  suppose,  however,  that  because  her  affection 
was  preoccupied  all  danger  was  removed.  There  are  his 
torical  instances  of  a  fully-garrisoned  fort  having  been  taken 
without  the  firing  of  a  gun. 

Whenever  man  and  woman  find  themselves  frequently  in 
each  other's  presence ;  whenever  they  begin  to  have  experi 
ences  in  common,  either  of  joy  or  of  sorrow ;  whenever, 
from  whatever  cause  or  motive,  they  go  away  from  the  mul 
titude  and  sit  down  by  themselves,  while  something  like  love 
comes  and  sits  down  between  them,  there  is  danger  that 
they  will  become  a  necessity  to  each  other's  happiness. 

One  afternoon  Edwin  and  Ozelia  had  been  chestnutting, 
and  were  returning  home  with  baskets  well  filled.  It  was 


THE   UNGUARDED   HOUR.  421 

one  of  those  perfect  New  England  Indian  Summer  days, 
than  which  none  are  more  delightful. 

They  could  shorten  their  walk  at  least  half  a  mile,  by 
scaling  the  wall  and  going  straight  through  the  maple  and 
pine  woods.  Edwin  had  set  a  snare  there  a  few  days  before, 
and  was  now  anxious  to  visit  it,  hoping  he  might  have  caught 
either  a  rabbit  or  a  partridge. 

Ozelia  was  quite  willing  to  take  this  woodland  route,  and 
the  two  young  friends  were  soon  enveloped  in  the  somber 
shade  of  the  stately  trees.  Ere  long  they  came  to  a  place 
where  a  picnic  party  had  been  lately  assembled,  and  where 
some  of  the  young  folks  had  built  a  pretty  bower,  and  fur 
nished  it  with  a  rustic  seat.  To  this  bower  Edwin  and 
Ozelia  repaired,  and  seated  themselves  side  by  side,  to  enjoy 
the  rest  which  was  really  grateful  after  their  long  ramble. 

Let  no  one  say  there  is  nothing  in  scenery  to  influence 
human  beings.  A  man's  surroundings  might  make  him  a 
murderer  or  a  saint.  Here  was  a  wild,  lovely,  romantic  spot. 
Twilight  and  shadow  danced  together  among  the  branches. 
There  was  just  enough  breeze  to  make  the  lordly  pines  dis 
course  those  eternal  harmonies,  to  which  no  devotee  could 
listen  without  being  reminded  of  sacred  themes.  But  neither 
Edwin  nor  Ozelia  was  in  a  mood  to  think  of  any  other 
heaven  than  that  which  earth  affords.  While  the  soul  of 
Edwin  was  keenly  responsive  to  external  influence,  that  of 
Ozelia  was  not  dead  to  the  touch  of  Nature's  magic  wand. 

"  I  am  tired  enough  to  be  perfectly  happy  in  repose,"  said 
the  innocent  girl,  as  she  leaned  her  head  against  the  trunk 
of  a  tree. 

"  Perhaps  there  may  be  spiders  in  that  rough  bark,"  sug 
gested  Edwin,  rather  playfully.  "  I  think  you  had  better 
lean  this  way.  There  are  no  spiders  on  me." 


422  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

So  saying,  he  put  his  arm  gently  around  her,  and  placed 
her  head  upon  his  shoulder.  It  was  a  very  bold  action,  yet 
it  was  not  resisted.  Perhaps  Ozelia  was  too  weary  to  give 
it  the  necessary  thought,  and  thus  did  not  fully  realize  the 
impropriety  of  her  passive  consent.  Perhaps  she  was  so 
completely  transformed  by  the  atmosphere  of  the  woods,  or 
so  overcome  by  the  suddenness  of  her  strange  position,  or  so 
unaccountably  influenced  by  the  subtle  power  of  the  person 
with  whom  she  was  in  contact,  that  she  was  not  quite  her 
self.  Perhaps  this  particular  hour  had  found  in  her  a  pecu 
liar  frailty  which  no  other  could  have  found.  Perhaps  she 
reasoned  just  a  little,  and  came  to  the  conclusion  that,  inas 
much  as  she  was  consciously  good,  and  inasmuch  as  Edwin 
was  also  good,  their  mutual  conduct  could  not  be  otherwise 
than  good.  Perhaps  imagination  played  its  delusive  part, 
as  it  has  been  doing  ever  since  old  Time  was  born.  One 
may  take  physical  exercise  or  be  engaged  in  hard  mental 
labor  until  one  can  scarcely  raise  one's  hand  to  one's  head 
or  judge  what's  what,  and  then  imagination,  having  long 
rested,  may  jump  into  reason's  throne,  and  rule  without  let 
or  hindrance. 

Ozelia's  imagination  was  naturally  vivid.  How  often  had 
she  seen  horses  and  chariots  in  clouds,  faces  in  rocks,  and 
gigantic  castles  on  the  hill-tops.  Now,  with  body  and  soul 
placed  at  their  ease,  while  she  gazed  into  the  handsome  face 
of  Edwin  Longworth,  she  imagined  she  saw  a  strong  resem 
blance  to  her  cherished  friend  in  the  Rocky  Mountains.  In 
another  moment,  it  was  Pelegon  himself  who  sat  beside  her, 
supported  her  weight,  pressed  her  hand,  and  softly  whis 
pered  charming  words.  She  was  having  an  intoxicating, 
rapturous,  waking  dream,  from  which  she  had  no  desire  to 
be  aroused. 


THE  UNGUARDED  HOUR.  423 

For  the  moment,  she  fancied  that  not  only  the  face  and 
form,  but  the  very  soul  of  Pelegon  was  now  in  her  presence. 
She  even  congratulated  herself  that  she  had  come  at  last  to 
realize  her  chief  desire,  and  at  the  same  time  had  escaped 
the  objectionable  name  to  which  her  parents  were  so  bitterly 
opposed.  In  reality,  she  was  never  more  devoted  to  her 
absent  lover  than  at  this  instant ;  but  we  must  remember 
that  temporarily  she  was  not  living  in  reality's  world,  but  in 
that  of  ideality.  Was  it  Edwin  Longworth  who  held  her 
hand  in  his?  Oh,  no!  he  had  ceased  to  exist.  It  was  her 
first  and  only  love,  the  same  that  was  never  absent.  Such 
is  the  wonderful  reign  of  ideality. 

Taking  in  account  time  and  place,  circumstance  and 
condition,  is  it,  after  all,  so  very  surprising  that  when  Edwin 
Longworth  asked,  in  trembling  tones,  "  Dear  Ozelia,  do  you 
love  me  ?  "  she  answered  affirmatively,  with  more  meaning 
than  words  could  convey,  and  immediately  received  upon 
her  rosy  lips  the  rapturous  kiss  which  had  so  long  waited  in 
an  agony  of  suspense. 

Edwin's  ruling  emotion  could  brook  no  delay.  The  other 
and  great  question  was  soon  propounded : 

"  Dearest  Ozelia,  will  you  be  mine  ?  " 

"  0  Edwin,  you  must  give  me  time  to  think.  I  am  so 
overwhelmed  with  new  and  delightful  sensations,  I  am 
beside  myself.  Please  wait  till  I  am  sufficiently  calm  to 
know  my  own  heart,  or  whether  I  have  a  heart  to  give.  In 
a  few  weeks  I  can  decide." 

This  was  a  reasonable  request,  and  we  must  blame  Edwin 
for  not  complying  with  it.  Nevertheless,  our  censure  must 
be  tempered  with  the  knowledge  that  he  was  possessed  of 
an  exceedingly  impulsive  nature.  Whenever  a  great  pur 
pose  formed  in  his  mind,  it  seemed  as  though  he  would 


424  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OP  A  HUSBAND. 

rather  move  heaven  and  earth  at  once,  even  with  his  own 
strength,  than  wait  a  moment  for  heaven  and  earth  to  be 
taken  out  of  his  way.  "  Strike  while  the  iron  is  hot "  was 
his  motto ;  but  to  him  every  iron  was  hot  the  instant  it  was 
touched  by  his  glowing  soul.  If  you  had  respect  for  his  tem 
perament,  you  would  not  think  of  asking  him  to  give  to  his 
judgment  even  three  seconds  of  grace  ere  rushing  headlong 
in  any  course  on  which  he  was  bent.  If  to-day  it  were  pen 
nies,  and  to-morrow  pounds,  he  would  certainly  be  penny 
wise  and  pound  foolish. 

"  No,  Ozelia,"  he  replied,  "  I  shall  die  if  I  must  wait  for 
your  answer.  You  are  all  the  world  to  me,  and  I  must  live 
in  that  world  at  once,  or  perish  forever." 

The  decisive  word  was  soon  spoken,  and  the  engagement 
sealed  with  many  kisses. 

Thus  imagination,  with  wings  of  love,  had  flown  through 
the  open  gate  of  an  unguarded  hour,  and  carried  a  heart  by 
storm. 


CHAPTER  XII. 

LOU  CBA'S  CONUNDRUMS. 

'' "TTTHAT!  are  you  here?  Have  you  been  watching 
VV  us5LouCra?" 

Thus  spoke  blushing  Ozelia,  hastily  withdrawing  from 
Edwin's  arm,  when,  on  coming  out  from  the  shades  of  the 
forest  where  we  left  them,  they  stumbled  upon  the  woman, 
concerning  whose  sanity  there  were  differences  of  opinion. 

"  Will  you  buy  my  chestnuts  ? "  asked  Lou  Cra,  as  though 
she  had  not  heard  her  interrogator. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Edwin,  observing  her  well-filled  basket. 
"  But  why  do  you  sell  them,  my  good  woman  ?  " 

"  If  I  were  a  squirrel  I  should  not  drink  tea,"  was  the 
reply. 

"  Oh,  I  see.  You  are  poor.  Ozelia,  my  dear,  you  seem 
to  be  acquainted  with  the  lady.  Does  she  live  here  in 
Swampton  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  answered  Ozelia,  "  and  I  like  her  ever  so  much, 
although"  —  and  the  girl  whispered  to  Edwin — "they  say 
there  is  something  wrong  with  her  mind." 

"  Poor  creature  !  "  exclaimed  Edwin  aloud ;  "  and  I  will 
venture  she  is  half  famished.  Here,  take  this,  and  provide 
yourself  with  all  the  luxuries  of  the  season."  So  saying, 
Edwin  handed  her  a  crumpled  mass  of  bills,  of  whose 

amount  he  himself  had  no  definite  idea. 

(425) 


426  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  I  ain  no  beggar,"  returned  the  woman,  exhibiting  con 
siderable  spirit,  as  she  refused  the  offer.  "  On  the  contrary, 
I  could  buy  your  whole  family  estate,  and  then  have  a  sur 
plus  of  cash  sufficient  to  carry  me  through  life." 

"  Ah  !  that  puts  the  matter  in  a  different  light,"  answered 
Edwin,  perceiving,  as  he  supposed,  the  direction  of  her 
lunacy.  "  Then,  I  will  not  give  you  alms,  but  simply  pur 
chase  your  chestnuts,"  again  offering  her  the  money. 

"  Yes,"  said  Lou  Cra,  "  that  is  purely  a  mercantile  trans 
action,  and  straight-forward  business  is  not  dishonorable, 
even  among  millionaires ;  but  I  cannot  make  change." 

"The  change  is  already  made  as  near  as  need  be," 
answered  the  young  man.  "Take  my  capital,  and  I  will 
take  your  cargo." 

"Six  quarts  of  nuts  at  six  cents  a  quart,"  replied  Lou 
Cra.  "  Exactly  thirty-six  cents,  or  nothing." 

"  Humor  her,"  whispered  Ozelia,  "  and  let  us  see  if  we 
cannot  get  at  her  history.  She  is  in  a  good  mood,  now." 

So  the  bargain  was  completed  in  accordance  with  the 
latest  market  quotations,  and  then  Edwin  said  : 

"You  spoke  of  your  large  property,  Mrs.  Cra ;  would  you 
mind  telling  us  where  the  bulk  of  it  is  invested  ?  " 

"  In  the  hands  of  one  who  has  the  advantage  of  epithets." 

"  How  so  ? " 

"  There  is  no  epithet  so  vile  that  it  would  not  flatter  her." 

"  Where  does  she  live  ?  " 

"  In  the  same  city  that  you  do ;  and  I  beg  your  pardon 
for  the  insult." 

"  What  is  her  name  ?  " 

"At  present,  she  is  bearing  the  same  name  that  my 
sainted  mother  bore,  that  was  also  mine  in  my  happy  child 
hood,  and  that  my  dear  brother  was  proud  to  own." 


LOU  CRAY'S  CONUNDRUMS.  427 

"  Is  your  brother  living  ?  " 

"  No  ;  he  was  murdered  by  this  same  old  hag  that  has  the 
impudence  to  call  herself  Solett." 

"  Did  your  brother  leave  any  children  ?  " 

At  this  question,  a  strange  light  gleamed  in  Lou  Cra's 
eyes,  and  there  was  energy  in  her  tones  as  she  answered : 

"  I  tell  you  that  Pelegon  Jinny  was  not  his,  and  I  warn 
you  to  stand  from  under,  lest  you  be  drowned  in  the  torrent 
of  angels'  tears." 

Ozclia  shuddered. 

Edwin  could  not  but  laugh  at  the  woman's  mysterious 
recital. 

"  And  what  have  the  angels  to  cry  about  ? "  he  asked. 

"  Because  of  this  desperately  wicked  earth,  its  intrigues, 
murders,  lying,  perjury,  fraud,  robbery,  broken  hearts,  ruined 
homes,  and  burials  of  the  dead  and  the  living." 

"  Were  you  ever  married  ? "  asked  Ozelia. 

"No;  few  people  are.  But  I  followed  the  crowd.  I 
jumped  into  the  machine  which  gave  me  a  new  wardrobe,  a 
new  name,  a  new  vision,  and  a  new  temper.  Let  me  give 
you  a  conundrum:  If  you  call  a  mule's  ears  hoofs,  how 
many  hoofs  will  he  then  have  ?  " 

"  Six,"  answered  Ozelia. 

"Six,  of  course,"  answered  Edwin. 

"No,"  said  Lou  Cra;  "he  will  still  have  but  four,  for 
calling  a  thing  this  or  that  does  not  make  it  this  or  that. 
You  see,  young  man,  you  are  not  fit  to  marry,  for  you  put 
names  in  the  place  of  facts ;  but  you  cannot  rid  yourself  of 
your  mule's  ears  so  easily!" 

Edwin  laughed  heartily  at  this  sally  of  wit,  although 
directed  against  himself;  but  Ozelia  was  more  thoughtful. 

"  Do  you  like  conundrums  ?  "  inquired  Lou  Cra. 


428  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Oh,  yes !  "  said  Edwin.     "  Let  us  have  some  nice  ones." 

"  With  morals  at  the  end  of  them  ?  " 

«  Certainly." 

"  First,  then,"  said  Lou  Cra,  "  tell  me  where  Homeopathy 
fails." 

"  When  the  patient  dies,"  suggested  Ozclia. 

"  When  the  doctor  dies,  for  want  of  patients,"  thought 
Edwin. 

"No,"  answered  Lou  Cra ;  "  it  is  when  the  patient  recovers 
and  then  undertakes  to  administer  an  infinitessimal  fee  to 
the  physician." 

"  Good  !  "  said  Edwin.     "  Now  for  the  moral." 

"  And  mark  it  well,"  said  Lou  Cra.  "  Every  business  has 
a  standard  of  its  own,  against  which  no  other  standard 
must  be  brought  to  bear.  So  with  matrimony.  It  must 
stand  or  fall,  governed  by  its  own  principles ;  and  woe  to 
him  who  would  subject  it  to  a  false  or  commercial  measure 
ment." 

"  The  moral  is  too  deep,"  protested  Edwin.  "  Now  some 
thing  easy." 

"  Why  would  it  be  wrong  to  increase  a  Swampton  min 
ister's  salary  ?  "  was  Lou  Cra's  next. 

"  He  would  feel  like  a  bloated  bondholder,"  replied  Edwin. 

"  It  would  not  be  wrong,"  insisted  Ozelia. 

"Yes,  it  would,"  said  Lou  Cra;  "for  he  must  spend  half 
his  time  in  collecting  what  he  already  gets,  and  to  increase 
his  labors  by  sending  him  after  more  would  be  cruel.  The 
moral  of  which  is  that  if  one  person  offers  to  another  a  love 
which  is  greater  than  he  himself  can  deliver,  it  must  prove 
fatal  to  the  one  who  tries  to  collect  it." 

"  That  does  n't  hit  me,"  whispered  Edwin  to  his  affianced. 

Ozelia  did  not  reply. 


LOU  CRAY'S  CONUNDRUMS.  429 

u  Here  is  another,"  continued  Lou  Cra.  "  Once  on  a 
time,  a  man  went  into  a  hunter's  tent,  and  seeing  a  keg, 
nearly  filled  with  what  he  supposed  was  harmless  black 
sand,  he  stood  a  lighted  candle  up  in  it.  Lower  and  lower 
the  candle  burned,  while  nearer  and  nearer  approached  the 
flame  to  the  innocent-looking  material.  One  moment  more, 
and  it  would  be  forever  too  late  to  prevent  the  fire  from 
touching  the  contents  of  the  keg.  At  that  critical  instant 
the  man's  wife  entered,  and  immediately  comprehended  the 
situation.  Question :  What  happened  ?  " 

Edwin  answered,  "  The  wife  swiftly  and  dexterously  placed 
both  her  hands  under  the  lighted  candle,  and  lifted  it  boldly 
from  the  keg,  without  allowing  a  single  spark  to  fall  upon 
the  powder." 

Ozelia  answered,  "  I  fear  she  was  too  late,  and  that  a 
frightful  explosion  occurred,  sending  both  husband  and  wife 
into  eternity." 

Lou  Cra  answered,  "I  told  you  that  the  man  supposed  he 
was  putting  the  candle  into  black  sand.  It  was  Hack  sand, 
and  when  the  flame  reached  it  there  was  simply  a  little 
spluttering,  followed  by  darkness.  Such  are  human  hearts. 
The  fire  of  love  will  not  blow  up  the  world,  but  rather  will 
burn  lower  and  lower  till  it  reaches  the  real  foundation  — 
nothing  but  sand." 

Ozelia  was  becoming  thoroughly  unhappy,  and  was  only 
too  glad  that  their  walk  had  brought  them  nearly  to  her 
home. 

"  One  more  conundrum,"  said  Lou  Cra,  "  and  then  good 
night.  It  is  this :  Should  it  be  said,  fifteen  and  seventeen 
are  thirty-one,  or  fifteen  and  seventeen  is  thirty-one  ?  " 

"  Fifteen  and  seventeen  are  thirty-one,"  said  Edwin. 

"  Fifteen  and  seventeen  is  thirty-one,"  thought  Ozelia. 
26 


430  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  How  young  and  innocent  you  both  are  ! "  answered  Lou 
Cra.  "  You  should  know  that  the  sum  of  fifteen  and  seven 
teen  is  thirty-two.  You  overlook  an  eternal  fact,  while  cen 
tering  your  intellects  upon  nothing  but  a  form  of  expression. 
Affection  is  such  a  fact,  while  what  one  person  says  to 
another  is  a  matter  of  words,  words,  words.  Mind  now,  I 
do  not  say,  Is  your  love  genuine  ?  but  ah  !  ah!" 

The  spell  was  broken.  Ozelia  was  wretched.  Edwin  felt 
the  chill  of  her  solemnity.  How  speedily  and  effectually 
had  they  been  brought  down  from  the  heights ! 


CHAPTER  XIII. 

PUT  YOURSELF  IN  MY  PLACE. 

BEFORE  leaving  Denver  I  took  Pelegon  to  the  Opera- 
House,  to  see  some  stereopticon  views.  Unfortu 
nately,  our  reserved  seats  placed  us  behind  two  ladies  whose 
hats  were  so  large  that  the  view  of  the  stage  was  almost 
entirely  cut  off.  Likewise,  they  were  rude  enough  to  whis 
per  incessantly,  which  so  disturbed  us  that  we  had  but  little 
pleasure  in  the  exhibition. 

After  the  room  was  darkened,  not  having  much  else  to 
do,  I  amused  myself  by  quietly  tying  knots  in  some  long 
ribbons  belonging  to  the  ladies  in  front,  but  which  had  been 
allowed  to  hang  over  the  backs  of  their  seats,  so  that  they 
came  within  easy  reach  of  my  hands. 

I  drew  the  knots  pretty  hard,  for  I  wanted  the  ladies  to 
be  as  vexed,  on  removing  their  bonnets  and  discovering  the 
mischief,  as  Pelegon  and  I  had  been  in  consequence  of  their 
ill  manners.  I  believe  in  exact  punishment.  My  conscience 
always  pats  me  on  the  back  when  I  legitimately  afflict  the 
unrighteous.  To  tie  knots  in  a  woman's  bonnet-strings 
cannot  be  regarded  as  an  excessive  penalty  for  her  having 
disregarded  the  proprieties  which  belong  to  a  public  gather 
ing.  Certainly,  I  did  the  best  I  could  toward  causing  the 
face  of  Justice  to  beam  with  an  approving  smile. 

(431) 


432  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Alackaday!  When  the  lights  were  turned  up  I  was 
appalled  at  the  spectacle  I  had  wrought.  Not  only  were  the 
delicate  ribbons  full  of  unsightly  knots,  but  I  had  got  them 
mixed,  so  that  the  two  monstrous  hats  were  tied  firmly 
together. 

When  Pelegon  observed  what  was  done,  his  risibles  were 
so  affected  that  I  was  in  mortal  terror  lest  he  should  explode 
with  laughter. 

As  it  was,  he  succeeded  in  disturbing  the  ladies  who 
owned  the  hats,  and  one  of  them  abruptly  turned  her  head 
so  that  she  might  bestow  upon  him  a  frown  that  would  keep 
him  quiet,  in  order  that  her  whispering  might  not  be 
interrupted. 

Alackaday  again !  Her  entire  head-gear  came  off,  except 
a  little  circular  twist  of  natural  hair,  about  the  size  of  a 
Boston  cracker.  She  grew  thirty-five  years  older  in  less 
than  five  seconds. 

The  other  woman  had  made  the  connections  between  nat 
ural  and  artificial  a  little  stronger,  so  that  she  escaped  with 
a  damaged  hat,  and  some  painful  hair-pulling. 

While  they  were  trying  to  ascertain  what  had  struck 
them,  a  policeman  came  upon  the  scene,  who,  also,  had  an 
inquisitive  turn  of  mind.  In  vain  I  tried  to  suppress  Pele- 
gon's  laughter.  The  more  my  elbow  fumbled  with  his  ribs 
the  more  he  snickered.  I  was  almost  sorry  I  had  not  eaten 
him  when  I  had  the  chance. 

By  this  time  the  ladies  had  discovered  that  their  hats 
were  tied  together,  and  they  looked  daggers  at  Pelegon,  but 
gave  appealing  looks  to  the  policeman. 

I  knew  what  was  coming,  but  how  could  I  explain  mat 
ters  ?  When  a  man  punishes  a  woman  for  her  misbehavior, 
he  is  simply  regarded  as  a  coward  if  he  attempts  to  justify 


PUT  YOURSELF  IN  MY  PLACE.  433 

himself.  There  is  no  rule  in  the  code  of  chivalry  which  can 
be  used  in  his  defense.  In  this  particular,  woman  has  more 
rights  than  man.  She  has  the  right  to  chastise  him  without 
being  asked  why  she  did  it. 

Yet  I  love  woman.  I  love  not  that  eminent  New  York 
physician  who  has  just  been  arguing  that,  owing  to  her 
peculiar  anatomical  structure,  she  is  incapacitated  for  exact 
ness  in  the  use  of  language.  He  claims  that  she  finds  it 
impossible  to  tell  the  truth,  except  on  strong  provocation, — 
as,  for  instance,  when  she  afterwards  answered  him. 

But,  in  a  sense,  the  learned  doctor  is  right ;  for  if  he 
refers  to  that  part  of  woman's  anatomy  which  puts  on  and 
takes  off,  it  is  proper  to  say  that  no  reliance  can  be  placed 
on  it.  It  is  conceived  in- falsehood,  and  maintained  for  pur 
poses  of  deception. 

The  question  is,  would  man  be  as  truthful  as  he  is  if  fash 
ion  were  constantly  urging  him  to  practice  deceit  ? 

When  Pelegon  was  arrested  and  lead  out  of  the  house,  he 
stopped  laughing.  He  was  astonished.  Accused  of  tying 
the  ladies'  heads  together,  he  did  not  deny  it.  He  would 
sooner  have  sacrificed  his  right  arm  than  to  get  me  into 
trouble.  He  was  one  who  would  do  anything,  even  imperil 
his  soul,  for  those  he  loved.  There  are  a  few  such  men  and 
women  left  in  the  world.  They  will  sin  against  themselves 
in  trying  not  to  sin  against  loyalty  to  friendship. 

Up  to  that  moment,  I  had  not  supposed  Pelegon  could  tell 
a  falsehood.  I  had  ranked  him  with  George  Washington. 
But  he  differed  from  that  gentleman  in  that  he  could  tell  a 
lie,  but  generally  wouldn't. 

Now,  however,  he  made  the  statement  that  he  was  the 
one  who  fastened  the  hats  together.  I  was  too  polite  to 
accuse  him  publicly  of  falsehood,  so  I  let  it  go  that  way. 


434  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  What  is  your  name  ? "  demanded  the  chief  of  police, 
before  whom  he  was  at  once  taken. 

"  Pelegon  Jinny." 

"  That  is  fictitious,"  replied  the  officer.  "  Give  us  your 
true  name." 

"  You  must  take  that  or  nothing,"  answered  the  boy. 

So  the  officer  regarded  him  as  a  hard  case,  and  locked 
him  up  in  a  felon's  cell. 

Next  morning  I  paid  his  fine,  and  promised  him  a  hun 
dred  dollars  besides. 

But  the  end  was  not  yet.  Although  Justice  licked  her 
chops  with  satisfaction,  not  so  the  muscular  husband  of  the 
lady  whose  head  was  dismantled. 

Following  Pelegon  out  of  the  court-room,  he  demanded  of 
him  that  sort  of  "  satisfaction  "  which  belongs  to  border- 
ruffianism.  This  I  could  not  allow.  I  would  defend  my 
young  friend,  at  all  hazards. 

"  Who  are  you  ?  "  demanded  the  irate  husband  of  me. 

"  I  am  the  protector  of  this  innocent  boy,"  said  I,  "  and  if 
you  harm  a  hair  of  his  head,  you  may  have  occasion  to  learn 
more  of  me." 

I  should  not  have  shown  so  bold  a  front  if  I  had  known 
how  anxious  he  was  to  engage  in  a  fight. 

He  clinched  me  without  another  word. 

Pelegon  clinched  him,  and  tried  to  tear  him  off. 

Somebody  tried  to  tear  Pelegon  off. 

By  this  time,  two  or  three  drunken  fellows  —  friends  of 
the  aggrieved  husband — piled  on  to  me. 

Bystanders,  who  were  anxious  to  see  fair  play,  tried  to 
take  them  away. 

Finally,  there  were  a  dozen  of  us  in  a  heap.  Which  one 
of  the  dozen  I  was  I  could  not  tell. 


PUT  YOURSELF  IN  MY  PLACE.  435 

Four  policemen  tried  to  arrest  us.  They  were  on  top  at 
first,  but  had  to  take  their  turn  with  the  rest  of  us  in  going 
to  the  bottom. 

We  covered  a  deal  of  ground  before  we  were  through. 

The  judge  and  all  his  attaches  came  out  to  see  us,  but 
they  kept  at  a  safe  distance.  His  honor  expressed  himself 
aloud  as  being  horrified  at  the  spectacle ;  but  when  it  was 
over,  he  told  the  clerk  confidentially  that  he  would  not  have 
missed  seeing  it  for  the  best  new  hat  in  the  city. 

Some  of  us  tried  to  cross  the  street.  Others  of  us  did  n't 
want  to  cross.  We  effected  a  compromise.  The  horse-car 
track  was  blockaded.  Drivers,  conductors,  and  passengers 
had  to  stop  and  see  us.  They  were  glad  of  the  opportunity. 
Some  of  them  took  a  hand  in  trying  to  separate  us.  Indi 
vidually,  I  was  very  well  separated  already. 

A  Texas  steer  had  that  morning  made  his  escape  from  a 
slaughter-yard.  He  had  been  shot  at  by  men,  and  pursued 
by  boys,  and  bitten  by  dogs,  until  he  was  mad,  and  when  that 
kind  of  a  creature  is  mad,  he  is  mad  through  and  through. 

In  the  short  time  he  had  been  loose,  he  had  crippled  two 
women  and  three  men,  overturned  five  peanut  and  fruit 
stands,  crashed  through  a  French-plate  window  into  a  drug 
store,  gored  the  prescription  clerk,  and  scattered  his  physic 
in  all  directions.  So  much  done,  he  again  took  to  the 
street,  and,  with  eyes  flashing  fire,  came  bellowing  toward 
the  scene  of  conflict  in  which  we  were  engaged. 

Smelling  blood  in  our  midst,  his  ungovernable  rage  was 
newly  excited,  and,  stiffening  every  muscle,  he  lowered  his 
head,  and  plunged  into  us  like  Death's  own  battering-ram. 

In  an  instant,  we  were  resolved  into  our  respective  indi 
vidualities,  and  ran  with  all  our  might  in  ever  so  many  direc 
tions,  according  to  our  own  sweet  will. 


436  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

No  one  but  a  policeman  was  seriously  damaged  by  the 
beast,  and  he  was  eventually  repaired  by  a  medical  seam 
stress. 

I  have  not  seen  that  husband  since. 

Never  again  will  I  meddle  with  a  woman's  top-knot. 

Now,  I  want  to  ask  the  indulgent  reader  to  put  himself  in 
my  place.  How  could  I  have  done  differently  ?  Circum 
stances  forced  everything  on  after  the  first  innocent  blunder 
of  working  at  two  hats  where  I  thought  there  was  but  one. 

I  did  not  want  to  fight.  I  hate  fighting.  It  is  ungentle- 
manly,  undignified,  brutal,  and  wicked. 

I  am  glad  the  steer  came  along  when  he  did.  Pelegon 
and  I  both  said,  as  we  spent  the  night  rubbing  each  other 
with  arnica,  that  we  were  only  sorry  he  had  not  come 
sooner. 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

DOGGIE  DARLING. 

HAVING  seen  Huntgill  safely  incarcerated,  and  having 
appointed  an  agent  to  look  after  Pelegon's  interests, 
we  left  Denver  in  a  Pullman  palace-car  for  our  long  journey 
homeward. 

One  sees  much  human  nature  on  the  rail.  In  the  car  we 
occupied  there  was  a  little  pug-dog  going  to  Boston,  and  he 
had  taken  the  precaution  to  provide  himself  with  an  ele 
gantly-dressed  woman  for  his  constant  attendant.  Although 
she  was  worth  an  independent  fortune,  she  showed  her  beau 
tiful  humility  by  condescending  to  be  an  obedient  and  faith 
ful  servant  to  his  little  dogship. 

We  learned  that  she  belonged  to  a  very  aristocratic  fam 
ily,  her  parents  being  proud,  above  reproach,  and  haughty 
beyond  suspicion.  Had  they  been  told  at  her  birth  that  she 
was  destined  to  become  a  servant  in  her  mature  years,  they 
would  have  put  her  away  under  some  little  bridge,  in  order 
to  shield  their  fair  escutcheon  from  such  disgrace. 

Yet  the  woman  herself  magnified  her  office  for  the  sake  of 
the  dog.  She  had  more  regard  for  his  feelings  than  to 
belittle  the  honorable  service  to  which  he  was  entitled.  She 
called  him  her  King.  I  knew  then  what  irresistible  influence 
the  kings  of  old  had  exercised  over  their  subjects.  I  could 

(437) 


438  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

understand  now  how  the  people  were  willing  to  be  butchered 
by  companies,  battalions,  and  corps  in  order  that  the  kings 
might  live. 

She  fed  him  with  spring  chicken,  carefully  boned,  and 
wiped  his  delicate  lips  with  a  soft  napkin.  Every  two 
minutes  she  fondly  kissed  him,  hugging  him  to  her  faithful 
bosom  between  times. 

If  I  could  have  had  my  choice  of  two  evils,  I  would  have 
chosen  to  be  him  instead  of  her.  He  was  evidently  having 
his  good  things  in  this  world. 

In  the  course  of  the  day  it  occurred  to  his  adorer  that  he 
needed  a  bath.  He  had  not  had  one  for  twelve  hours. 
Some  of  the  passengers  cruelly  objected  to  its  being  admin 
istered  in  their  presence.  The  conductor  was  appealed  to. 
He  was  made  of  that  stern  stuff  of  which  warriors  are 
produced.  Without  manifesting  a  quiver  of  emotion,  he 
told  the  fine  woman  it  would  be  necessary  for  her  to  take 
her  bath-tub  and  dog  into  the  smoking-car.  She  went. 

Meeting  a  brakeman,  lie  said:  "Madame,  this  is  the 
smoking-car." 

"  I  know  it,"  said  she. 

As  she  entered  the  curling  clouds  of  smoke,  two  or  three 
gentlemen  arose,  and  politely  said :  "  Madame,  this  is  the 
smoking-car." 

"  I  should  judge  so,"  she  replied. 

The  only  vacant  seat  was  beside  a  fat  German,  who  was 
vigorously  engaged  drawing  tobacco  fumes  from  a  large, 
handsome,  meerschaum  pipe.  "  Dis  ish  de  schmoking-car," 
he  remarked,  as  she  sat  down. 

"  It  is  an  outrage  on  decency  ! "  exclaimed  the  woman. 

"  Ish  de  schmoke  of  goot  dobarker  some  offensive  to  you 
already,  aint  it?"  he  said. 


DOGGIE   DARLING.  439 

"Yes  ;  I  can't  bear  it,"  replied  the  fair  one,  snappishly. 

"  I  tought  zo,"  answered  Hans.  "  Some  people  ish  joost 
dot  vay,"  he  continued,  as  he  cast  a  glance  at  the  dog  before 
enveloping  it  in  a  cloud  of  suffocating  smoke. 

"  No  man  that  is  a  man  will  smoke  in  the  presence  of  a 
lady,"  snarled  the  intruder. 

"  I  knows  it.     Und  I  neffer  doos  dot  ting,  nohow  already." 

"  Do  you  understand  me,  sir  ?  I  say  I  cannot  bear 
smoke ! " 

"Ya!  ya!  You  schpeaks  wery  goot  Anglish.  I  oonder- 
sthands  you  all  de  dime  already.  I  bay  sexteen  tollar  for 
dis  bootiful  meerschaum,  an'  I  must  schmoke  pooty  much  to 
get  him  nicely  colored  before  I  comes  to  Chicago  already." 

Another  wreath  of  smoke  sent  the  poor  dog  into  a  fit  of 
sneezing. 

The  woman  was  now  exasperated  beyond  measure.  "  I 
tell  you,"  said  she,  "  I  can't  stand  it.  I  abominate  a  nasty 
pipe  above  all  tilings  in  the  world ! " 

So  saying,  she  clutched  the  precious  meerschaum  and 
hurled  it  through  the  open  window. 

The  German  was  astonished. 

Thrusting  his  head  out,  he  endeavored  to  give  his  treasure 
a  farewell  look,  but  it  was  lost  to  sight  in  the  thick  dust  of 
the  madly-rushing  train. 

Then  he  looked  at  the  woman.  Everybody  in  the  car 
trembled  for  her.  But  he  simply  smiled.  He  winked  to 
his  fellow  passengers,  and  smiled  again. 

"  Dat  ish  all  right ! "  said  he,  at  last.    "  I  neffer  schqueel." 

Then  he  leaned  back,  and  for  two  minutes  gave  himself 
up  to  brain-racking  thought. 

Suddenly  he  aroused.     Silence  was  broken. 

"  I  can't  bear  it ! "  he  broke  out,  in  tones  that  attracted 


440  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

everybody's  attention.  "I  has  been  trying  to  bear  it  zo 
long  already;  but  it  aint  no  use  —  I  can't  bear  it!  I  can't 
bear  it ! " 

"Can't  bear  what?"  inquired  the  woman,  pausing  in  her 
employment  of  bathing  King. 

"  Dot  ish  joost  it,"  answered  the  German.  "  I  abominate 
a  leetle,  nasty  dog  above  all  de  tings  in  de  world,"  and  no 
sooner  were  the  words  spoken  than  he  seized  the  poor  pug 
by  the  tail,  and  threw  him  out  of  the  window. 

Then  there  was  a  scene. 

Away  went  the  woman  through  the  train,  screaming 
hysterically,  until,  meeting  the  railroad  conductor,  she  had 
just  enough  strength  to  tell  him  that  her  darling  was  out  of 
the  window,  when  he,  supposing  she  had  lost  her  child, 
jerked  the  bell-rope,  had  the  train  stopped,  and  sent  a  man 
ahead  to  flag  the  way,  and  another  to  the  rear  to  signal 
danger. 

This  done,  we  were  pushed  back  with  considerable  speed, 
while  all  the  railroad  employees  carefully  watched  the  shal 
low  ditch  on  both  sides  of  the  track  for  the  mangled  remains 
of  a  human  infant. 

"We  must  have  gone  back  three  or  four  miles  before  the 
conductor  learned  the  true  state  of  affairs.  He  was  mad. 

He  knew  he  would  fail  to  get  through  on  time,  and  possi 
bly  would  lose  his  position. 

Once  more  the  engine  was  set  forward,  and  after  a 
moment's  delay,  we  were  ready  to  advance. 

But  in  that  moment  of  delay  something  occurred  which 
filled  the  soul  of  our  German  traveler  with  inexpressible 
joy.  He  recovered  his  pipe.  You  should  have  seen  his 
countenance  beam  as  "he  held  the  prize  aloft  and  jumped 
aboard  the  train  just  as  it  was  starting  forward. 


DOGGIE   DARLING.  441 

"And  isn't  my  King  found?"  gasped  the  woman  in  grief, 
suddenly  recovering  from  a  swoon. 

Alackaday!  The  bath  of  King  was  never  finished. 
What  finally  became  of  his  faithful  companion,  we  have 
not  learned. 

Before  Chicago  was  reached,  the  meerschaum  was  richly 
colored. 

Pelegon  declared  that  he  had  no  idea,  while  living  in 
Swampton,  what  a  wonderful  world  this  is. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

A  LAWYER'S   REMINISCENCES. 

ON  returning  to  Boston,  I  ascertained  that  the  grand 
jury  had  found  two  indictments  against  Lawyer  Black- 
wit,  and  that  he  was  then  incarcerated,  awaiting  a  trial 
•which  would  be  certain  to  result  in  his  being  sentenced  to 
imprisonment  for  life.  Having  obtained  permission  to  visit 
him,  the  conversation  which  followed  is  here  recorded. 

"I  am  told,"  said  I,  "that  the  evidence  which  will  be 
brought  against  you  is  so  strong  and  conclusive  that  you 
can  have  no  reasonable  hope  of  acquittal,  either  on  the 
charge  of  forgery  or  perjury." 

"  I  have  ceased  to  hope,"  replied  Blackwit ;  "  and  as  my 
friends  have  all  deserted  me,  and  I  am  getting  too  old  to 
make  new  ones,  perhaps  I  may  as  well  be  in  prison  as  any 
where,  during  my  remaining  days." 

"There  is  one  matter  with  which  you  have  been  con 
nected,"  I  remarked,  "  which  I  intend  to  fully  investigate." 

"Will  the  investigation  be  tedious  and  embarrassing  to 
me  ?  "  asked  the  lawyer. 

"  I  expect  it  will." 

"  Then  suppose  I  enter  into  an  agreement  with  you." 

"  What  have  you  to  propose  ?  "  I  inquired. 

"I  will  agree,"  said  Blackwit,  "to  tell  you  all  I  know 

(442) 


A  LAWYER'S  REMINISCENCES.  443 

about  the  case,  whatever  it  may  be,  on  condition  that  you 
will  promise  never  to  bring  any  legal  process  against  me. 
Unless  you  accept  these  terms,  you  must  find  out  what  you 
wish  to  know  the  best  way  you  can." 

I  looked  at  the  gray  hair  and  wrinkled  brow  of  the  old 
man,  who  was  already  so  firmly  held  by  the  grappling-hooks 
of  the  law  that  there  was  no  probability  of  his  escape,  and 
then  answered : 

y "  Very  well,  sir.     Make   a  clean  breast  of  it   and  I  will 
leave  your  punishment  with  God  rather  than  man." 

"  Proceed,"  said  Blackwit,  manifesting  that  stoical  resig 
nation  born  of  despair. 

"  You  will  now  tell  me,"  said  I,  "  what  you  know,  and  all 
that  you  know,  concerning  a  certain  child,  about  two  years 
of  age,  who  was  left  at  the  house  of  John  Hotchkick,  seven 
teen  years  ago  last  November." 

"  Aha  !  "  exclaimed  the  lawyer,  "  I  expected  that  was  the 
subject." 

"  And  also,"  I  continued,  "  I  want  a  clear  explanation  of 
this  note,  which  was  pinned  to  the  child's  clothing,"  taking 
the  time-worn  paper  from  my  pocket  and  holding  it  before 
the  eyes  of  Blackwit. 

"  That  infernal  Hotchkick  lied  to  me  ! "  vociferated  the 
prisoner,  examining  the  writing,  while  I  still  held  it  in  my 
own  hand.  "  He  told  me  the  mice  had  *  chawed  it  up.' " 

"  Who  wrote  it  ? "  I  asked. 

"  A  woman  who  was  my  client,  and  who  pretended  to  be 
my  friend,  but  whom  I  now  hate  with  all  the  hatred  of  per 
dition.  If  I  had  not  followed  her  diabolical  counsel  I  should 
not  be  here  to-day." 

"  Another  instance  of  Adam  charging  the  whole  wrong  to 
Eve,"  I  remarked. 


- 


444  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  Yes ;  and  I  know  as  well  as  anybody  that  it  looks  cow 
ardly  ;  but  if  any  one  can  come  within  the  range  of  what 
that  woman  calls  her  magnetic  influence,  and  not  be  struck 
by  moral  lightning,  he  is  a  better  non-conductor  than  I  am, 
that 's  all.  Nature  furnishes  a  similar  creature  in  the  elec 
tric  fish,  which,  if  you  are  foolish  enough  to  grasp  it,  will 
discharge  a  shock  of  electricity  sufficient  to  so  paralyze  your 
hand  that  you  cannot  remove  it.  Shock  after  shock  will 
then  be  sent  until  you  are  a  dead  man.  There  are  a  few 
just  such  women  in  the  world.  Once  lay  your  hand  upon 
them,  and  if  ever  you  get  away  alive  it  will  be  only  by  tear 
ing  yourself  all  to  pieces." 

"  What  is  the  name  of  the  person  with  whom  you  have 
been  so  unhappily  associated  ? "  inquired  I. 

"  She  is  called  Madame  Solett." 

"  What  was  her  motive  in  writing  this  note  ?" 

"  Well,  the  case  in  brief,  if  you  must  know,  is  simply  this : 
Some  twenty  years  ago,  the  woman  of  whom  I  speak  was 
not  such  an  extraordinary  person  as  she  has  since  become. 
She  followed  the  business  of  mesmerizing  people,  and  was 
quite  successful  with  a  certain  class.  If  she  told  them  the 
moon  was  made  of  cheese,  she  could  not  only  make  them 
see  the  skippers  it  contained,  but  would  cause  them  to  take 
cognizance  of  its  savory  odor,  as  they  raised  their  noses  and 
sniffed  the  air.  If  I  may  be  permitted  to  use  a  classical 
illustration,  she  so  completely  controlled  her  subjects  that 
they  were  as  yielding  to  her  purposes  as  mud  under  a  duck's 
foot.  If  she  wanted  a  man  to  get  sick,  or  even  to  die,  in 
her  presence,  she  was  able  to  accomplish  her  design  without 
exercising  any  violence  whatever. 

"  At  one  time  an  old  bachelor  made  her  acquaintance,  and 
being  an  agreeable  sort  of  fellow,  and  possessed  of  a  large 


A  LAWYER'S  REMINISCENCES.  445 

fortune,  she  kept  him  company  for  about  a  year.  She  was 
anxious  to  have  him  marry  her,  but  as  he  was  not  a  perfect 
'  subject,'  she  failed  in  this  to  accomplish  her  will. 

"  At  last  he  died,  and  it  was  a  pretty  mysterious  taking 
off,  I  assure  you.  Then  came  his  sister,  who,  being  the  only 
heir,  was  legally  entitled  to  the  entire  property.  Meanwhile 
Madame  Solett  set  up  the  claim  that  she  was  the  widow  of 
the  deceased  millionaire,  appointed  me  her  attorney,  and 
instructed  me  to  furnish  the  proof.  I  had  some  trouble  in 
finding  a  minister  who  would  make  out  a  marriage  certifi 
cate  ;  but  after  a  while  I  came  across  a  person  whose  price 
was  not  extravagant, — his  purse  and  his  conscience  both 
being  rather  short, — and  he  not  only  furnished  the  docu 
ment  I  wanted,  but  assisted  me  in  getting  witnesses  to  the 
marriage  ceremony.  These  witnesses  were  conscientious 
enough,  for  it  is  true  they  had  attended  a  marriage  at  one 
time,  but  having  forgotten  the  names  of  the  parties,  the 
clergyman  had  only  to  tell  them  that  it  was  this  marriage 
of  Solett  they  had  seen,  and  they  believed  it,  simply  because 
he  told  them  so,  and  then  swore  to  it  without  equivocation 
or  mental  reservation." 

"  What  was  the  minister's  name  ?"  I  asked. 

"  Drowthers." 

"Of  Swampton?" 

"Yes." 

"  Ah  !  it  is  well  that  he  is  dead,  for  I  would  expose  him 
without  mercy." 

"  You  would  have  found  that  work  already  done,"  answered 
Blackwit,  "for  one  Lou  Cra  was  on  his  track  about  the 
time  he  was  killed,  and  she  would  have  had  him  turned  up 
to  the  light  in  a  few  days  more,  if  merciful  death  had  not 
stepped  in  and  saved  him." 

27 


446  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  "What  is  the  history  of  Lou  Cra  ?  "  inquired  I. 

"  She  is  that  sister  I  spoke  of,  and  as  Mr.  Solett  had  no 
other  relative  at  the  time  of  his  decease,  she  was  justly 
entitled  to  his  property." 

"  Did  she  know  all  the  facts  concerning  your  villainy  ?  " 

"  She  knew  nothing,  as  courts  count  knowledge ;  but  if 
her  instinctive  convictions  could  have  been  taken  for  evi 
dence,  it  would  have  gone  hard  with  us. 

"  I  pitied  her  a  little,  for  in  former  days  she  was  the 
bright,  central  star  of  society's  very  tlite.  "When  the  great 
blow  came,  it  so  prostrated  her  intellect  that  for  many  years 
she  suffered  all  the  horrible  evils  which  a  distorted  imagina 
tion  could  conjure  up." 

"  Go  on  with  the  recital,"  demanded  I,  with  impatience, 
as  Blackwit  paused.  "  You  made  use  of  the  marriage  certif 
icate  and  witnesses  which  Drowthers  provided.  What 
then?" 

"  Well,  I  thought  it  advisable,  since  there  was  so  much 
property  in  issue,  to  strengthen  my  case  with  still  further 
and  stronger  evidence ;  so  I  advised  my  client  that  she 
ought  not  to  appear  in  court  without  a  babe  in  her  motherly 
arms,  and  told  her  that  if  one  could  possibly  be  procured, 
bearing  some  resemblance  to  the  deceased  man,  all  we 
should  then  require  would  be  a  nurse  to  swear  that  she  had 
taken  care  of  the  infant  ever  since  it  was  born  to  Mrs.  Solett, 
and  our  case  would  be  perfect. 

"To  get  just  the  right  kind  of  child  without  having  it 
immediately  traced  up  and  claimed  was  an  undertaking 
requiring  both  courage  and  ingenuity.  However,  we  em 
ployed  a  fellow  by  the  name  of  Huntgill,  who  was  already  in 
the  service  of  my  client,  and  he  did  the  work  much  more 
satisfactorily  than  we  had  anticipated. 


A  LAWYER'S  REMINISCENCES.  447 

"  Going  into  Ohio,  he  happened  to  see  just  the  child  he 
wanted,  having  eyes,  nose,  and  mouth  closely  corresponding 
to  those  of  the  deceased.  He  found  out  that  the  child  with  its 
mother  was  to  go  on  a  stage  journey  from  Upton  to  Montville< 

"  On  the  day  they  started,  he  hired  a  team,  and  kept  them 
well  in  view  until  night  came  on.  His  theory  was  that,  as 
the  coach  would  not  arrive  at  Montville  till  midnight,  the 
woman  would  fall  asleep  on  the  way.  He  knew  that  the 
stage  would  stop  at  a  certain  wayside  inn  some  time  in  the 
night,  for  the  purpose  of  changing  horses.  Well,  no  sooner 
had  they  stopped  than  he  was  on  the  alert  to  accomplish  his 
purpose.  With  cat-like  tread  he  crept  up  in  the  dark, 
opened  the  stage  door,  and  discovered,  just  as  he  had  hoped, 
that  the  mother  was  lost  in  sleep,  while  the  child  peacefully 
slumbered  on  the  seat  beside  her.  It  was  but  the  work  of  a 
moment  to  seize  the  little  one,  and  bear  it  away. 

"  Fortunately  for  our  case,  the  woman,  on  discovering  her 
loss,  jumped  out  of  the  stage  and  went  raving  mad  before 
any  one  could  be  informed  of  the  circumstances ;  and  thus 
people  generally  supposed  that  she  herself  had  insanely  dis 
posed  of  her  own  offspring,  and  consequently  nobody  ever 
discovered  the  right  clew.  Shortly,  she  died. 

"  Our  plot  succeeded  finely.  The  trial  ended,  and  the 
decision  was  in  favor  of  my  client. 

"  Then,  as  Madame  Solett  had  no  desire  to  keep  the  child, 
she  again  called  on  Huntgill  to  dispose  of  it. 

"  He  took  it  to  New  York  city,  and  left  it  in  a  basket  at 
somebody's  door,  where  it  remained  a  few  months,  when  we 
learned  that  the  father  of  the  child  had  taken  rooms  on  the 
same  street ;  and,  being  afraid  that  he  would  recognize  it 
and  make  trouble,  we  once  more  engaged  Huntgill  to  kidnap 
the  little  one,  and  remove  it  to  some  backwoods  place,  to 
which  no  interested  party  would  be  likely  to  come. 


448  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"Once  more  we  invited  Parson  Drowthers  to  our  confi 
dence — for  we  wanted  to  put  the  child  where  he  could  keep 
watch  to  see  that  it  was  not  discovered — and  lie  recom 
mended  one  of  his  parishioners,  Hotchkick  by  name.  And 
I  think  if  the  whole  world  had  been  hunted  over,  we  could 
not  have  found  a  man  who  would  be  more  likely  to  keep  a 
child  thoroughly  down  than  this  same  miserable  dog  of  a 
Hotchkick. 

"  In  order  to  heap  additional  degradation  on  the  mother 
less  boy,  Madame  Solett  named  him  Pelegon  Jinny,  and 
represented,  as  you  will  discover  by  the  note,  that  he  was 
the  illegitimate  offspring  of  the  worst  possible  parents. 

"  Having  sent  a  hundred  dollars  and  threatened  dire  ven 
geance  on  Huntgill  if  the  money  was  not  deposited  with  the 
child,  everything  was  satisfactorily  done,  and  Madame 
Solett,  after  paying  me  a  very  liberal  fee,  entered  into  the 
enjoyment  of  her  vast  estate,  since  which  time  she  has 
increased  it  by  ways  that  are  somewhat  crooked  and,  if  I 
mistake  not,  slightly  dark." 

"  Who  was  the  father  of  the  child,"  I  demanded. 

"  Herf ord  Leslie." 

"  The  murdered  school-master  ? " 

"Yes." 

"  And  how  did  he  happen  to  be  at  Hotchkick's  ?  " 

"  That  was  Lou  Cra's  doing. 

"  She  seemed  to  know  everything,  from  beginning  to  end. 
Having  gotten  the  school-master  into  her  confidence,  she 
managed  to  convince  him  that  the  boy  belonged  to  him ; 
and  just  as  he  was  about  to  tell  him  so  and  take  him  away, 
the  murder  occurred." 

Blackwit  could  tell  no  more. 


CHAPTER    XVI. 

LIFE'S  CHANGES. 

HORTLY  after  the  events  related  in  the  preceding 
chapter,  Lou  Cra  was  engaged  in  steeping  the  last  bit 
of  tea  in  her  possession.  Too  proud  to  beg,  she  was  actually 
perishing  of  slow  starvation.  In  a  wretched  attic,,  for  which 
the  rent  was  a  mere  trifle,  she  passed  her  miserable  days 
and  sleepless  nights.  No  one  came  to  visit  her,  or  seemed 
to  care  whether  she  lived  or  died. 

The  tea  was  ready,  and  Lou  Cra,  with  trembling  hand, 
poured  it  into  a  cracked  cup  which  stood  upon  an  empty 
barrel  covered  with  a  rough  board. 

She  tasted  the  tea.  It  was  not  good.  Her  mind  wan 
dered  back  to  the  long  ago.  "  Topsy ! "  she  called,  half 
delirious,  "  bring  the  cream  and  sugar.  Ah !  that 's  right. 
Now,  Topsy,  a  bit  of  tender  steak,  well  done,  and  then  some 
rich,  toothsome  dessert.  Very  well.  O  Topsy,  go  into  the 
parlor,  and  see  that  the  velvet  furniture  is  dusted,  and  the 
lace  curtains  hang  gracefully,  for  I  expect  fashionable  calls 
this  afternoon." 

The  dream  was  interrupted.  There  came  a  real  knock 
on  the  tangible  door  of  her  actual  attic,  and,  a  moment 
later,  a  veritable  human  being  stood  in  her  presence. 

"  Do  my  eyes  deceive  me  ?  "  cried  Lou  Cra ;  "  or  is  this 
surely  Master  Berkeley  ?  I  am  so  glad  to  see  you,  for  you 

(449) 


450  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

were  always  good  to  the  ones  that  nobody  else  was  good  to. 
Take  my  seat.  Don't  mind  my  standing,  for  it  rests  my 
rheumatism." 

I  refused  the  solitary  chair,  and  noticing  that  Lou  Cra 
was  somewhat  embarrassed  because  she  could  not  offer 
better  accommodations,  began  at  once  on  the  business 
which  had  brought  me. 

"  Mrs.  Cracraft,"  said  I,  —  the  woman's  face  became 
deeply  suffused, — "I  have  taken  the  liberty  to  act  as  your 
attorney.  Many  years  ago,  your  only  brother  died,  leaving 
a  fortune  to  which  you,  as  the  only  heir,  were  entitled." 

"  Yes,"  faltered  the  woman. 

"  And  the  property  was  stolen." 

"Yes." 

"  Well,  to  condense  the  matter  into  few  words,"  said  I, 
"  Mrs.  Solett,  so-called,  has  been  made  to  acknowledge  her 
crime,  and  every  arrangement  has  been  completed  for  imme 
diately  transferring  to  you  the  entire  amount  of  which  you 
were  defrauded." 

"  Topsy,"  cried  Lou  Cra,  more  than  half  believing  that 
she  was  still  in  the  beautiful  home  she  had  once  occupied, 
"  have  my  carriage  ordered  at  once,  as  urgent  business  calls 
me  to  the  city." 

The  poor  woman  was  more  than  half  in  a  sphere  not  of 
earth,  for  the  restoration  of  her  rights  had  come  too  late, 
and  the  sudden  news  almost  completely  overpowered  her 
shattered  nerves,  weary  heart,  and  exhausted  brain. 
##*##**# 

A  month  passed.  Lou  Cra  was  dead,  and  her  will  was 
produced. 

All  her  estate  was  given  to  Charles  Leslie,  formerly 
known  as  Pelegon  Jinny. 


LIFE'S  CHANGES.  451 

Could  this  expression  of  her  purpose  be  set  aside  ?  No ; 
the  will  was  made  during  a  lucid  interval,  and  in  the  pres 
ence  of  a  sufficient  number  of  unimpeachable  witnesses. 

What  could  Mrs.  Wordswell  require  more  ?  The  school 
master's  son  had  a  noble  parentage,  an  honorable  name,  an 
enviable  fortune,  and,  what  is  worth  more  than  all  else, 
richest  qualities  of  mind  and  heart. 

But,  alas!  Ozelia  Wordswell  was  engaged  to  Edwin 
Longvvorth. 


CHAPTER   XVII. 

IGNIS  FATUUS  EMOTIONS. 

OZELIA  WORDSWELL  saw  her  wedding  trousseau 
finished,  and  the  day  arrived  when  she  was  to  be 
married.  Yet  she  was  in  no  jubilant  mood.  In  fact, 
nothing  reconciled  her  to  the  step  she  was  about  to  take, 
except  that  she  was  doing  something  which  would  please 
her  parents,  and  which  she  conceived  to  be  in  the  line  of 
her  duty.  That  she  was  wronging  love,  and  grossly  violating 
the  claims  of  womanly  nature,  she  did  not  allow  herself  to 
believe. 

After  all,  it  is  no  easy  task  to  banish  an  ideal  which  has 
been  one's  inspiration,  life,  and  joy,  throughout  the  glad 
some  years  of  youth.  This  is  what  Ozelia  Wordswell  was 
now  trying  to  accomplish. 

A  slave  was  once  required  by  his  master  to  put  to  death 
an  old  pet  dog  that  had  been  the  slave's  constant  and  most 
cherished  companion.  The  animal  looked  upon  the  weapon 
which  was  to  take  his  life,  and  appeared  to  plead  for  mercy 
at  the  hands  of  the  unwilling  executioner.  The  club  fell 
heavily,  but,  instead  of  killing  the  creature  outright,  it 
seemed  to  endow  him  with  greater  life.  Blow  after  blow 
was  given  in  quick  succession  by  the  obedient  servant,  but 
his  brute  companion  only  cried  in  ever-increasing  agony, 
till,  at  last,  the  grief-stricken  man,  seeing  how  vain  were  all 

(452) 


IGNIS   FATDTTS  EMOTIONS.  453 

his  efforts,  and  being  unable  to  witness  the  terrible  wrong 
he  had  inflicted  on  the  innocent  creature  of  his  love,  turned 
upon  himself  and  sought  relief  by  taking  his  own  life. 

Thus  there  are  those  who  have  thought  to  crucify  genuine 
affection  because  they  were  slaves  to  some  external  author 
ity,  and  how  woful  have  been  the  consequences ! 

Ozelia  Wordswell  was  thoroughly  conscientious.  She 
might  have  erred  in  judgment,  but  in  moral  intention  no 
angel  of  heaven  could  discover  a  single  error.  She  sin 
cerely  believed  that,  although  her  heart  could  not  accom 
pany  her  hand,  she  was  nevertheless  under  the  most  binding 
obligations  to  marry  Edwin  Longworth.  Did  not  duty 
impose  the  sacrifice  of  her  own  feelings  ?  Duty  to  herself, 
because  she  had  given  Edwin  the  promise  he  had  asked  ? 
Duty  to  him,  because  he  had  said  so  earnestly  that  he  could 
not  live  unless  she  would  be  his  darling  wife  ?  Duty  to  her 
parents,  because  they  would  not  be  reconciled  to  her  own 
free  choice ;  and  duty  to  society,  because  of  its  demand  that 
the  judgment  of  those  who  gossip  shall  be  respected  ? 

She  said  to  herself :  "  I  will  try  to  make  the  best  of  my 
cruel  destiny.  I  will  try  to  love  him  whom  this  day  I  am 
to  marry." 

This  little  word  "try  "is  monstrously  abused  whenever 
employed  in  such  connection.  If  the  Almighty  were  driven 
to  the  necessity  of  trying  to  love  us,  it  were  better  that  we 
had  never  been  born. 

Everybody  has  a  modicum  of  egotism.  In  this  respect 
even  Ozelia  Wordswell  was  not  an  exception.  Had  it  been 
otherwise,  she  might  have  surmised  that  perhaps,  after  all, 
Edwin  Longworth  might  possibly  manage,  some  way  or 
other,  to  live  without  her.  Such  a  possibility  did  not  enter 
her  mind. 


454  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

Now  let  us  visit  the  young  man  himself,  and  ascertain  of 
what  stuff  he  is  woven.  It  was  the  morning  of  the  day 
appointed  for  his  wedding.  He  was  pacing  back  and  forth 
in  his  room,  his  mind  in  a  very  perturbed  condition.  He 
and  his  cousin  Henry  were  fellow-lodgers  in  a  fashionable 
hotel,  and  his  cousin  had  been  chosen  to  act  as  groomsman 
at  the  nuptial  ceremony. 

"  Come,  come ! "  he  said  to  Edwin.  "  Cheer  up !  This  is 
no  time  for  despondency.  What  is  the  matter,  old  boy  ? 
See  here,  now ;  you  have  been  gazing  at  the  carpet  for  the 
last  hour,  and  it  isn't  a  good  day  for  carpets,  either.  I 
declare  to  Cupid,  if  you  don't  forthwith  change  your  mood, 
and  brighten  up  and  act  as  you  ought  to,  I  will  go  out  there 
and  marry  that  pretty  girl,  myself ! " 

Edwin  Longworth  ceased  walking,  and  looking  his  cousin 
full  in  the  face,  said,  with  solemn  emphasis : 

"  Henry,  if  you  would  marry  her,  I  should  be  the  happiest 
man  on  earth." 

"What!" 

"  I  know  it  is  outrageous  for  me  to  say  it,  but  let  me 
confide  in  you.  I  am  a  worthless,  fickle,  good-for-nothing 
creature.  There  is  absolutely  nothing  to  me  but  my  emo 
tions,  and  they  rule  without  check,  because  every  check  is 
of  itself  emotional. 

"  I  thought  I  loved  Ozelia  Wordswell  with  love  so  great 
that  the  world  could  not  begin  to  hold  it.  I  not  only  told 
her  so,  but,  day  after  day,  assured  her,  what  I  then  really 
felt,  that  I  could  n't  and  would  n't  exist  without  her.  But 
alas!  it  proved  to  be  nothing  but  that  of  which  Schiller 
says :  *  Oh,  love !  the  beautiful  and  brief.' 

"  Now,  I  need  not  tell  you  of  that  young  lady  who  recently 
came  here  on  a  visit,  from  New  York,  took  rooms  at  our 


IGNIS   FATUUS   EMOTIONS.  455 

hotel,  and  remained  an  entire  week.  Do  you  not  remember 
her?" 

"  What  was  her  name  ?  "  asked  Henry. 

"  Why,  Ella  Marshall." 

"  Do  you  mean  the  lady  you  went  riding  with  so  often  ?  " 

"  Certainly ;  and  you  yourself  took  her  to  the  opera." 

"  Ah !  now  that  you  speak  of  the  opera  my  recollection 
begins  to  wake  up.  Did  she  wear  embroidery,  drapery,  ruf 
fling,  puffing,  pleating,  braiding,  tatting,  —  " 

"  Hold,  Henry !  are  you  crazy  ?  How  do  I  know  about 
all  these  fol-de-rols  ?  I  have  not  made  a  business  of  study 
ing  women's  elaborate  wardrobe,  as  you  seem  to  have  done." 

"  But  I  want  to  identify  the  woman,"  insisted  Henry. 
"  Did  she  have  on  ribbons,  ruffs,  cuffs,  laces,  velvets,  whale 
bones,  bands,  tuck-ups  ?  " 

"  Certainly  she  did,"  replied  Edwin,  impatiently.  "  Why 
don't  you  say  that  you  know  her,  and  have  done  with  it  ?  " 

"  Because,"  answered  Henry,  "  I  would  not  wish  to  make 
so  rash  a  statement  without  being  certain  we  both  have  ref 
erence  to  the  same  person.  I  ask  you  seriously,  did  the 
woman  of  whom  you  speak  wear  a  scarf,  basque,  sash  — " 

"  I  tell  you,  Henry,  I  won't  listen  to  another  word,"  cried 
Ed\vin,  greatly  exasperated. 

"  Yes,  you  will,"  answered  Henry,  laughing.  "  I  do  know 
Ella  Marshall.  There  now,  you  have  listened  to  that !  Let 
us  make  up  and  be  friends,  for  I  never  in  all  my  life  loved 
you  as  I  am  loving  you  at  this  minute.  Pray  what  can  I  do 
for  you  ?  " 

"  I  want  a  little  advice,"  meekly  responded  Edwin.  "  In 
the  short  seven  days  during  which  Ella  Marshall  remained 
in  this  city  my  heart  was  turned  inside  out.  In  spite  of 
every  effort,  my  impulsiveness  or  unconquerable  fickleness 


456  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

went  through  all  my  previous  affections  like  a  raging  fire. 
The  consequence  was  I  loved  Ella  Marshall  as  I  never  had 
and  never  could  love  anybody  else  in  the  world  ;  and  now, 
traitorous  and  wicked  as  I  know  I  am,  I  cannot  help  it,  I 
find  myself  longing  for  the  heart  and  hand  of  beautiful 
Ella." 

"  I  fear,"  said  Henry,  "  you  are  one  of  Dry  den's  witnesses  : 
'  All  love  may  be  expelled  by  other  love,  as  poisons  are  by 
poisons.' " 

"It  is  not  so,"  replied  Edwin.  "Nothing  could  ever 
drive  out  the  love  I  experience  for  Ella  Marshall." 

«  Probably  not." 

"  Probably  not,  you  say,  but  I  can  detect  a  sarcasm  in  your 
speech." 

"  No,  Edwin,  I  mean  just  what  I  affirm.  Nothing  can 
drive  out  your  love  for  Ella  Marshall.  Why  ?  Because  it 
will  go  out  itself.  '  Love  is  never  lasting  which  flames 
before  it  burns.' " 

"  I  tell  you,  Henry,  I  would  die  for  her." 

"  Indeed !     Does  she  love  you  in  return  ?  " 

"  Very  likely ;  although  she  has  not  declared  it,  for  the 
simple  reason  that  I  had  no  right  to  propose  to  her  while 
engaged  to  the  other  lady,  whom  I  must  marry  this  very 
day  as  a  matter  of  honor." 

"  Why  do  you  not  state  the  whole  truth  to  Ozelia  Words- 
well,  and  ask  her  to  release  you  from  your  painful  obli 
gation  ?  " 

"  For  the  reason  that  it  would  break  her  heart,  and  prob 
ably  hasten  her  death.  She  loves  me  with  that  all-absorb 
ing  intensity  which  it  would  be  perilous  to  molest.  You  see 
now  what  a  wretched  situation  I  am  in.  What  am  I  to  do  ?" 

"  Really,"  replied  Henry,  "  there  is .  nothing  that  can  be 


IGNTJS   FATUUS   EMOTIONS.  457 

advised  except  for  you  to  carry  out  the  programme  and 
marry  Miss  Wordswell  with  as  good  grace  as  possible." 

"  Exactly  ;  but  what  a  sacrifice  !  To  give  up  Ella  Mar 
shall  requires  more  heroism  than  to  fall  on  the  field  of  battle. 
Ella  Marshall !  Oh,  Ella !  and  I  must  tear  you  from  my 
heart  of  hearts,  and  then  this  day  present  that  heart,  all 
wounded  and  bleeding,  at  the  altar  of  matrimony !  Think 
of  it !  Is  it  not  dreadful  ? " 

"  It  certainly  is,"  answered  his  cousin,  "  but  stern  duty 
must  be  respected,  and  I  rejoice  that  you  have  the  courage 
to  follow  wherever  it  may  lead." 


CHAPTER   XVIII. 

JUSTICE  AT  LAST. 

HAYING  proved  that  the  murdered  school-master  was 
Charles  Leslie's  father,  I  found  witnesses  who  could 
testify  that  they  had  heard  John  Hotchkick  say  that  he 
would  kill  any  man  who  should  claim  Pelegon  and  attempt 
to  take  him  away. 

Hotchkick  being  brought  face  to  face  with  this  fact, 
emphatically  denied  that  he  had  any  knowledge  or  sus 
picion  that  Herford  Leslie  was  related  to  the  boy.  Notwith 
standing  this  protest  I  had  him  arrested,  charged  with  mur 
der,  and  his  house  searched  for  evidences. 

To  my  great  surprise,  a  paper  was  found,  addressed  to 
myself,  which  proved  conclusively  that  Herford  Leslie  had 
identified  his  son,  and  that  his  own  life  was  jeopardized  in 
consequence. 

Fearing  that  the  worst  might  happen,  he  had  undertaken 
to  leave  a  record  with  me,  but  which,  for  a  reason  we  may 
too  vividly  surmise,  he  did  not  live  to  finish. 

The  record,  so  far  as  it  goes,  is  as  follows : 

"  DEAR  BERKELEY  :  Do  you  remember  your  old  friend, 
Herford  Leslie,  who  used  frequently  to  run  into  the  office  of 
the  Farmer's  Guide  in  the  days  of  its  glory  ?  For  a  year, 
at  least,  I  enjoyed  your  friendship,  yet  never  told  you  my 

(458) 


MRS    LESLIE  SEARCHING  FOK  HKR  CHILD. 


JUSTICE   AT  LAST.  461 

strange  history,  nor  did  you  know  what  great  grief  weighed 
upon  my  heart. 

"  I  had  lost  a  living  son. 

"  To-day  I  am  convinced  that  I  am  in  his  presence. 

"  I  have  not  yet  revealed  this  to  him,  as  I  must  avoid 
madding  his  unprincipled  guardian  until  the  time  comes 
that  we  can  make  good  our  escape. 

"  I  fear  that  Hotchkick  already  suspects  my  purpose,  for 
he  is  keeping  a  close  watch  on  all  my  actions. 

"  Therefore,  dear  friend,  permit  me  to  make  a  note  of  the 
great  sorrow  of  my  life,  and  consign  it  to  your  kindly 
charge. 

"  I  married  a  woman  of  transcendent  quality. 

"  Our  only  child,  a  bright,  beautiful  boy,  full  of  promise, 
had  been  blessed  with  two  joyful  summers  of  existence; 
and  if  any  being  was  ever  constantly  worshiped,  that  being 
was  little  Charlie.  Whatever  we  might  apparently  have 
been  living  for,  or  for  whatever  we  might  seem  to  pray,  our 
babe  was  the  very  inspiration  of  all  our  life,  and  prayer. 

"  It  was  in  the  month  of  August,  when  important  business 
made  it  necessary  for  me  to  leave  my  family.  Having  to  be 
away  from  them  several  weeks,  my  wife  concluded  to  take 
the  child,  and  visit  her  parents,  staying  with  them  during 
my  detention  from  home. 

"  She  never  reached  her  destination.  After  many  days, 
they  found  her  wandering  through  the  fields  without  a  pur 
pose,  without  consciousness,  and  starving. 

"  Having  some  letters  in  her  possession,  she  was  easily 
identified,  brought  home,  and  I  was  sent  for  without  delay. 
On  my  arrival,  I  was  horror-stricken  at  her  appearance. 
Judge  of  my  surprise  and  grief  when,  instead  of  recognizing 
me,  she  shrank  from  my  presence,  and  seemed  frightened  at 


462  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

my  approach.  I  spoke  and  pleaded  in  the  old  endearing 
way  to  which  she  was  accustomed,  but  all  that  I  could  do 
or  say  availed  nothing. 

"  Where  was  the  baby  boy  ?  No  one  knew.  Oh,  how  my 
heart  was  wrung  with  agony  as  I  pictured  the  horrible  death 
which  he  had  probably  suffered.  I  employed  men  to  search 
through  the  country  in  every  direction,  but  my  precious  dar 
ling  they  could  not  find,  either  dead  or  alive,  and  all  that 
could  be  learned  was  that  the  mother,  with  her  babe,  had 
taken  the  stage  at  Upton,  paid  her  fare  to  Montville,  and 
that  when  the  stage  arrived  there  at  midnight,  and  the 
driver  called  out  the  name  of  the  place,  and  opened  the 
stage  door  to  assist  his  passenger  to  alight,  he  was  greatly 
nonplused  at  finding  the  coach  empty.  He  had  stopped 
two  or  three  times  during  the  journey,  but  had  not  known 
of  his  passenger's  departure.  As  it  was  a  dark,  cloudy 
night,  he  concluded  that  the  woman  must  have  decided 
to  stop  at  the  wayside  inn  while  the  horses  were  changed, 
and  had  done  so  unobserved  by  him.  So  the  driver  dismissed 
the  subject  without  further  thought. 

"  From  that  time  on,  I  could  do  nothing  but  travel  about 
the  country  making  inquiries  for  my  lost  boy.  There  were 
many  rumors  afloat  concerning  lost  children,  and  I  was  led 
quite  a  busy  life,  journeying  here  and  there  to  examine  into 
cases  which,  at  the  last,  could  furnish  me  no  satisfaction. 

"  In  due  time,  by  mere  accident,  it  seemed,  I  met  Louisa 
Cracraft — otherwise  known  as  Lou  Cra — and  somehow,  I 
do  not  know  how  it  came  about,  I  was  led  to  tell  her  the 
burden  of  my  soul. 

"  She  persuaded  me  to  come  to  Swampton,  secure  the 
school  here,  and  make  the  acquaintance  of  a  certain  boy, 
who,  as  she  said,  somewhat  resembled  me  in  looks. 


JUSTICE   AT  LAST.  463 

"  So  I  thought  when  I  first  met  him  in  the  home  of  John 
Hotchkick. 

"  Lou  Cra  urged  me  to  claim  him  at  once.  But  how 
could  I  ?  True,  I  felt  in  my  heart  that  he  was  mine.  But  where 
was  the  proof  ?  It  would  have  availed  me  nothing  to  pro 
duce  the  predictions  of  this  woman  whom  the  world  was 
laughing  at.  To  have  done  so  would  have  wronged  the 
child,  rather  than  to  have  benefited  him. 

"  However,  the  sympathy  of  my  fatherly  soul  went  out  to 
him,  and,  before  I  knew  it,  he  had  taken  possession  of  the 
great  vacancy  in  my  affections.  In  trying  to  make  him 
happy,  I  found  what  I  had  supposed  was  hopelessly  lost — 
my  own  happiness.  It  became  my  constant  delight  to  study 
his  welfare,  encourage  his  every  effort,  and  watch  his  pro 
gress. 

"  But  this  day  all  doubt  is  forever  set  aside.  A  letter  was 
placed  in  my  hands  by  an  entire  stranger — by  the  way,  that 
letter  has  mysteriously  disappeared,  and  I  fear  it  has  fallen 
into  the  hands  of  Hotchkick.  Yes,  here  he  comes  with  it." 

Herford  Leslie  had  written  his  last  word.  The  abrupt 
ending  was  painfully  significant.  It  was  more;  for,  with 
other  circumstantial  evidence  which  I  was  able  to  gather,  it 
resulted  in  the  (Conviction  of  John  Hotchkick  for  murder  in 
the  first  degree,  and  in  his  final  confession  of  the  crime. 
28 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

A  GRAND  CONCLUSION. 

~P)EVEREXD  PAUL  MURRAY  came  to  take  the  place 
JLX  of  Parson  Drowthers.  An  elegant  church  was 
reared,  and  the  parish  experienced  a  healthful  revival  of 
religion.  The  new  minister  was  the  delight  of  both  old  and 
young,  being  a  perfect  treasury  of  goodness,  a  full  mine  of 
thought,  and  a  whole  world  of  practical  wisdom  combined. 
He  taught  that  spirit  is  more  than  language,  character  than 
profession,  and  life  than  creed,  while  his  own  good  works 
were  what  some  one  has  described  as  "  visible  rhetoric." 

Mr.  Wordswell's  parlors  had  been  decorated  with  flowers, 
the  bridal  altar  had  been  prepared.  Edwin  Longworth  and 
Ozelia,  in  an  adjoining  room,  stood  side  by  side,  expecting 
every  moment  to  be  summoned  to  appear  before  the  Rev. 
Paul  Murray,  to  receive  the  rite  which  should  make  them 
man  and  wife. 

The  appointed  time  having  fully  arrived,  the  guests  were 
impatient  for  bride  and  groom  to  present  themselves. 

Some  one  knocked  at  the  outside  door,  and  the  announce 
ment  was  made  that  a  stranger  was  there  who  desired  to 
see  the  clergyman  on  important  business.  Mr.  Murray 
answered  the  call,  and  closed  the  door  behind  him. 

"What  keeps  him  so  long?"  was  the  anxious   inquiry 

which  soon  began  to  arise  in  every  breast. 

(464) 


A  GRAND   CONCLUSION.  465 

Ten  minutes, — it  seemed  an  age, — and  then  he  returned. 
A  keen  observer  might  have  discovered  a  serious,  troubled 
expression  upon  his  countenance,  which  had  not  been  there 
when  he  left  the  room.  However,  no  one  had  the  boldness 
to  question  him,  nor  was  there  any  opportunity ;  for  he  imme 
diately  announced  that  all  was  now  in  readiness  for  the  cere 
mony.  Bride  and  groom  were  apprised  of  the  fact,  and  in 
a  moment  more  they  and  the  attendants  took  their  proper 
places  around  the  altar.  The  groom  was  grand  in  appear 
ance,  although  exquisitely  modest,  while  the  bride : 

"  Oh !  She  has  a  beauty  which  might  ensnare 
A  conqueror's  soul,  and  make  him  leave  his  crown 
At  random,  to  be  scuffled  for  by  slaves." 

" Mark  her  majestic  fabric:  she 's  a  temple 
Sacred  by  birth,  and  built  by  hands  divine; 
Her  soul 's  the  Deity  that  lodges  there ; 
Nor  is  the  pile  unworthy  of  the  God." 

In  and  of  herself  Ozelia  was  always  superior  to  her  adorn 
ments.  Nevertheless,  she  was  feeling  very  sad  on  this 
impressive  occasion.  Her  smile  was  shaded  with  a  touch 
of  something, — something  which  made  it  all  the  more  fas 
cinating  to  others,  although  to  her  it  meant  anxiety  and  a 
troubled  spirit. 

"  Usually,"  kaid  the  clergyman,  who  was  now  standing 
directly  in  front  of  the  bridal  pair,  "  marriage  ceremonies 
are  quite  too  brief.  The  consequences  which  they  involve 
are  so  momentous,  that  the  most  deliberate  consideration 
should  characterize  their  every  detail. 

"  Feeling  a  great  responsibility  resting  upon  myself  as  the 
officiating  clergyman,  you  must  pardon  me  for  not  wishing 
to  celebrate  your  marriage  until  I  have  prayerfully  and 
earnestly  given  you  all  the  warning  and  admonition  which 
the  good  Father  has  placed  in  my  heart. 


466  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"  First,  I  call  upon  you  to  realize  that  marriage  does  not 
exist  in  any  formulary,  ordinance,  or  sacrament;  that  it 
cannot  be  made  or  conferred  by  any  decision  of  State  or 
Church ;  that  no  minister  of  the  Gospel  has  power  to  create 
it,  and  that  where  pure  and  undivided  love  does  not  exist 
on  either  side,  the  marriage  ceremony  is  nothing  but  a 
wicked  farce,  out  of  which  there  grows  ofttimes  a  ghastly 
record  of  sin  and  crime. 

"  You  must  remember  that  no  minister  is  able  to  marry 
one  person  to  another,  for  all  that  he  can  possibly  do  is  to 
declare  a  marriage  which  he  believes  exists.  In  case  he 
does  not  so  believe,  how  can  he  justify  his  conscience  in 
declaring  it  ?  Therefore  it  is  my  solemn  duty,  first,  to 
explain  the  nature  of  conjugal  relationship,  and  then  to 
appeal  to  both  of  you  to  answer  before  God  and  man  whether 
your  hearts  are  already  possessed  by  each  other  and  so 
closely  and  firmly  united  that  no  intruder  can  ever  come 
between. 

"  With  perfect  truthfulness  of  love  there  must  always  be 
perfect  love  of  truth.  Hence,  in  every  connubial  union, 
truth  should  be  regarded  as  the  most  essential  uniting 
medium.  This  should  be  so  for  truth's  dear  sake,  and  for 
the  protection  of  him  who  is  called  to  officiate,  that  he  may 
not  be  guilty  of  doing  false  work,  and  for  the  protection  also 
of  society,  that  it  may  not  be  deceived  as  to  what  constitutes 
real  marriage ;  but  more  especially  for  the  protection  and 
permanent  happiness  of  both  bride  and  groom. 

"  I  implore  you,  therefore,  that  you  do  not  offer  at  this 
matrimonial  altar  one  jot  or  tittle  more  than  is  in  you  to 
bestow.  If  either  of  you  experience  any  weakness  of  love, 
or  possess  a  divided  affection,  then,  as  a  believer  in  the  just 
God  to  whom  we  must  all  give  account,  I  cannot  proclaim 


A   GKAND   CONCLUSION.  467 

you  man  and  wife.  For  me  thus  to  proclaim,  and  for  you 
to  acquiesce,  would  constitute  a  sin  against  humanity  and 
yourselves;  against  suffering  earth  and  pitying  Heaven,  a 
most  cruel  and  far-reaching  sin,  of  which  I  cannot  believe 
you  would  be  guilty. 

"  Better  no  marriage,  better  the  innocent  death  of  one  or 
both,  than  that  you  should  be  wedded  by  letter  and  not  by 
spirit.  Nothing  but  unutterable  woe  can  ever  come  of  such 
deception.  Beware,  then,  what  answers  you  make  at  this 
hour,  for  upon  you  as  well  as  upon  me  there  rests  a  respon 
sibility  which  the  angels  of  God  have  given  into  our  charge." 

The  minister  now  offered  a  prayer  full  of  holy  fervency, 
petitioning  High  Heaven  to  grant  strength,  courage,  and 
grace  to  those  before  him,  that  they  might  be  able  to  speak 
with  entire  truthfulness,  while  pledging  themselves  to  each 
other,  trusting  in  the  righteousness  of  God  to  shield  them 
in  truth's  service,  for  truth's  sake. 

By  this  time,  so  affected  were  all  persons  present,  that 
tears  flowed  freely  from  eyes  both  aged  and  youthful.  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  Wordswell  especially  were  deeply  agitated. 

Then  came  the  question  to  the  groom,  spoken  with  an 
impressiveness  so  funereal  that  it  seemed  almost  as  though 
earth  with  all  its  trivial  scenes  had  passed  away. 

"  Edwin  Longworth,  wilt  thou  have  this  woman  to  be  thy 
wedded  wife,  to  live  together  after  God's  ordinance  in  the 
holy  estate  of  matrimony  ?  Wilt  thou  love,  honor,  and 
cherish  her,  through  health  and  sickness,  through  fortune 
and  misfortune,  or  through  whatever  experience  may  betide, 
and  wilt  thou  now  and  here  solemnly,  heartily,  and  consci 
entiously  affirm  in  the  presence  of  Almighty  God  and  these 
witnesses,  that  your  affection  is  in  no  way  improperly 
divided  or  reserved  ? " 


468  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

The  groom,  white  as  death,  looked  steadily  downward  and 
was  speechless. 

After  an  embarrassing  pause  the  clergyman  continued  in 
the  same  carefully  measured,  deliberate  tones : 

"  Ozelia  Wordswell,  wilt  thou  have  this  man  to  be  thy 
wedded  husband,  to  live  together  after  God's  ordinance,  in 
the  holy  estate  of  matrimony,  and  forsaking  every  other,  as 
long  as  you  both  shall  live,  wilt  thou  love,  honor,  and  cherish 
him  through  all  the  joys  and  sorrows,  fortunes  and  misfor 
tunes,  which  a  wise  Providence  may  visit  upon  you  ?  And 
wilt  thou  now  and  here  affirm  in  the  presence  of  both  heav 
enly  and  earthly  witnesses,  that  the  affection  you  owe  to 
this  man  is  shared  by  no  one  else,  and  wilt  thou  ask  the 
recording  angel  thus  to  write  your  answer  on  the  page  of 
eternal  truth  ?  " 

"  I  cannot ! "  exclaimed  the  lady.  "  May  God  have  mercy 
on  me,  but  my  entire  love  has  been  given  to  another." 

"  Noble  and  courageous  woman  ! "  responded  the  clergy 
man.  Then  turning  to  the  company,  he  added,  "  My  good 
friends,  you  will  now  see  the  propriety  of  my  announcing 
that  the  services  we  came  here  to  perform  are  indefinitely 
postponed." 

"  Why  had  you  not  told  me  that  you  loved  another," 
inquired  Edwin,  whispering  to  Ozelia. 

"  0  Edwin  !  Can  you  ever  forgive  me  ?  I  was  afraid  of 
the  effect  my  confession  would  have  upon  you." 

"  And  because  I  felt  sure  it  would  be  the  death  of  you," 
answered  Edwin,  "  I  feared  to  inform  you  that,  in  the  last 
few  weeks,  my  own  foolish  heart  has  been  captivated  by  a 
lady  from  New  York." 

"  Indeed ! "  exclaimed  Ozelia.  "  I  am  quite  indignant  at 
myself  for  having  been  so  silly  as  to  suppose  that  you  cared 


A  GRAND   CONCLUSION.  469 

anything  for  me.  I  am  glad,  however,  for  your  sake,  as 
well  as  my  own,  that  you  are  so  easily  reconciled  to  the  fact 
of  my  not  wanting  you." 

"  And,  to  tell  the  truth,"  said  Edwin,  "  I  am  equally 
angry  at  my  own  folly  for  ever  having  believed  that  it  was 
impossible  for  you  to  be  devoted  to  any  one  but  myself." 

"We  have  both  done  wrong,"  answered  Ozelia,  "  and  now 
let  us  both  do  right  by  promising  to  be  as  we  once  were, — 
simply  friends." 

"An  excellent  suggestion,"  replied  Edwin,  "although  I 
am  afraid  you  will  never  consent  to  go  nutting  with  me 
again,  especially  if  we  must  come  through  a  deserted  picnic- 
ground  where  there  are  spiders." 

Ozelia  blushed  as  she  turned  away,  but  meeting  the  cler 
gyman,  thus  addressed  him : 

"Your  marriage  ceremony,  sir,  appears  to  be  strikingly 
original.  Do  you  always  make  it  so  exceedingly  affecting  ?  " 

"No,  Miss  Wordswell,  I  do  not." 

"How,  then,  did  you  happen  to  make  our  case  such  a 
notable  exception  ? " 

"  I  will  explain,"  answered  the  clergyman.  "  Just  before 
we  were  ready  to  begin  the  service,  a  gentleman  called  me 
to  the  door,  and  begged  me  not  to  consummate  the  proposed 
nuptials  without  fully  satisfying  myself  that  the  affection 
between  the  contracting  parties  was  all  that  could  be  desired. 
"When  I  insisted  on  his  giving  me  a  reason  for  his  strange 
caution,  he  assured  me  that  his  own  adopted  son  was 
devotedly  loved  by  the  bride." 

"  There  must  be  some  mistake ! "  exclaimed  Ozelia.  "  Can 
you  give  me  the  name  of  your  visitor." 

"  Here  is  his  card." 

The  lady  took  it,  and  read  aloud : 


470  MY  WIFE'S  FOOL  OF  A  HUSBAND. 

"AUGUST  BERKELEY. 

"Adopted  father  of  '  Pete]  otherwise  known  as  '  PelegonJ  but  whose 
real  name  is  Charles  Leslie,  he  being  the  son  of  the  late  much-beloved 
school-master." 

Ozelia  responded  with  a  blush  and  a  smile,  other  language 
being  prevented  by  a  sense  of  overwhelming  joy. 

"Hasn't  this  affair  terminated  grandly  ?"  said  Edwin 
Longworth,  approaching  his  cousin  Henry.  "Ozelia  will 
soon  be  married  to  her  own  Charles,  while  I  shall  be 
supremely  happy  with  my  dear  Ella." 

"To  whom  do  you  refer?"  inquired  Henry,  assuming  an 
innocent  air. 

"Miss  Ella  Marshall.  None  other  than  the  New  York 
belle  whom  I  was  telling  you  about  this  morning." 

"  Yes,  yes.  I  remember,"  replied  Henry.  "  But  there  is 
one  little  item  which  you  appear  to  have  overlooked." 

"What  is  that?" 

"  Ella  Marshall  is  engaged." 

"  Engaged !     Engaged,  did  you  say  ?  " 

"Yes." 

"To  whom?" 

"To  myself." 

"  Henry,  are  you  deceiving  me  ?  " 

"  Certainly  not.  The  lady  and  I  have  been  engaged  for  a 
year,  and  will  be  married  next  Thursday." 

"And  I  am  the  biggest  "idiot  in  the  world,"  answered 
Edwin,  with  dejected  countenance,  "  or  I  should  have  known 
it  by  the  description  you  gave  of  her  this  morning.  You 
could  have  numbered  every  hair  in  the  girl's  head.  I  wish 
I  was  dead  and  buried !  Look  at  Ozelia.  Is  n't  she  lovely 
at  this  moment?  It's  just  my  miserable  luck.  I  could  cry 
like  a  coward.  Upon  my  soul,  I  believe  I  am  fated  to  have 
no  wife  at  all." 


A   GRAND   CONCLUSION.  471 

"Which,  quite  likely,  is  a  very  proper  fate,"  responded 
Henry.  "  Fickle  men  who  allow  their  temporary  emotions 
and  suddenly-born  impulses  to  control  all  their  actions, 
would  make  very  uncertain  husbands,  and  therefore  should 
remain  single." 

"Tell  me,"  said  Ozelia,  grasping  my  hand  in  hers,  "what 
do  you  mean  by  calling  yourself  the  adopted  father  of 
«  Pete '?" 

"  0,"  said  I,  "  that  is  what  we  named  him  when  he  was 
brought  to  our  house  in  New  York.  We  kept  him  about  a 
year,  when  he  was  stolen  from  us." 

"  How  do  you  know  he  is  the  same  person  ? " 

"I  have  been  corresponding  with  my  agent  in  Denver. 
He  has  seen  Huntgill,  who  confesses  that  he  left  Mr.  Leslie's 
child  with  the  editor  of  the  Farmer's  Guide,  who,  at  that 
time — as  Huntgill  learned  from  a  rival  newspaper — was 
keeping  a  Little  Wanderers'  Home.  It  is  a  long  story,  my 
dear,  and  when  you  come  to  be  my  adopted  daughter-in-law 
I  will  tell  it  to  you." 

Only  a  few  weeks  intervened  when  Charles  Leslie  and 
Ozelia  Wordswell  presented  themselves  before  Rev.  Paul 
Murray,  and  responded  most  heartily  to  the  same  questions 
he  had  put  on  that  ever-memorable  night  that  the  wedding 
so  happily  failed. 

The  bridal  pair  accompanied  me  to  New  York,  and  when 
I  introduced  our  long-lost  "Pete"  to  Augusta,  she  divided 
her  kisses  between  him  and  me,  while  I  divided  mine 
between  her  and  Ozelia ;  and  it  was  the  happiest  moment  of 
my  life. 

THE  END. 


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